Feeling Young Jokes

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic g**.

.. a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”

Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women's Day.
Upon passing a l**... store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any l**... in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something s**... to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He'll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark n**....
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims: "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.
Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

Curious

A young boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the newspaper.
"Where does p**... come from?" He asks.
The father feeling a little agitated that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yeah," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the washroom, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"

A young man shopping in a supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Anything you want.

Bob is to the point where he's feeling good, but still a beer or so away from drunk. As he's contemplating his navel, a young woman sidles up next to him and starts blowing into his ear. At first he's taken aback, and tries to brush her away. But then he takes a good look at her and realizes she is the most beautiful women he's seen in quite a long while. "What'cha blowin' in my ear for, young miss?" "Just trying to get your attention, good sir" she whispers. "What'cha want?" "I want to do something for you" she says, in a VERY s**... voice. "Oh really?" he replies. "Oh yes" she says. "Anything at all?" he asks. "Anything at all, any fantasy you can think of" she replies. "And it'll only cost you $100". And then she quickly goes on to add "But you have to tell me in three words or less". "$100 you say. And anything at all?" "That's right, anything at all.". So he ponders a minute or so, and then three distinct words issue forth from his mouth "Paint... my... house."

Harry goes to the doctor

Harry, an 84 year old g**... is in for a checkup at the doctors office, he's sitting on the exam table, n**... under a gown. The doctor asks while reading his chart, "Well Harry, how are you feeling, any new developments for you?" Harry responds with childlike glee, "I feel great. There is a new woman in my life, she's fantastic" "Oh ya? Where did you two meet?" The doctor inquires. "Oh, well, ya know... She's a dancer." "Like a stripper, Harry? How old is she?" The doctor asks seriously. "19 years young... in fact, we are due to get married next week!" The doctor ponders thoughtfully and says to him, "I think you ought to reconsider. You know, prolonged s**... with a girl that young could be fatal." Harry shrugs and says, "Hey, if she dies, she dies."

Racist joke. If you're going to get offended just don't read it.

A young black kid observed that there seemed to be some advantages in being white, so he went off and painted himself white all over. He went and showed his mother who roused on him, and told him to go and show his father. This he did, and his father not only roared at him for being so silly, but cuffed him over the ears and sent him on his way. The boy went on and sat on his favorite log pondering his position and feeling very glum. His mate came along and asked him what was wrong. "I've only been a white kid for half and hour," he replied, "and I hate those
black b**... already!"

Arthur and the nun

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

A plane passes through a fierce storm...

In a transatlantic flight, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

A young man is getting married...

...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a v**... (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.
The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.
The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.
"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."
"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"
"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would t**...."
"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"

The wedding night

A young women marries a very rich very old man. On the wedding night they have adjoining suites. The young woman tells her husband that she loves him for his mind and that he should feel no performance pressure. If he feels up to s**... to just knock on her door.
She goes to bed expecting a restful and undisturbed night but about 5 minutes later there is a knock and in comes the old man. They proceed to have fairly rambunctious s**... after which the old man returns to his room. The bride settles back to go to sleep. 10 min later there is another knock at the door and in he comes again, and another round of s**.... Afterward he again leaves. The young bride is very tired by now and is looking forward to a good night's sleep. 10 minutes later there is another knock at the door. She bursts out incredulously, "Again?". The old man opens the door and replies, "What? Have I been here before?"

My friend told me this joke

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.
One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.
"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."
The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"
The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."
"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"

80 year old man and young bride

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 30 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

The young sailor

A young sailor prepares for his first deployment as sea. As this is his first deployment the captain calls him into his quarters to ask the man if he is ready for a life at sea, surrounded by s**..., and away from women. The sailor thinks for awhile and replies "Well Captain, I'd be a lying s**... if I did not admit that the thought of not having a woman for months at a time had not crossed me mind." The Captain gives a warm smile and leans in to tell the young man something of importance. Lowering his voice the Captain says "Aye, mate tis hard at sea indeed but we've got a little secret on this ship. Below the lower deck there's a secret room originally intended for smuggling. In that room you will find a barrel with a very unique hole. See it's a magic barrel we found near the Bermuda triangle. Just go below deck and use the barrel when you get a craven. Just don't go below deck on Saturday evenings or Tuesday mornings." Overjoyed the sailor leaves the Captains quarters and heads down below deck. He is amazed at the feeling from the barrel, it's magical how the timber forms together to give a warm, wet feeling.
After his use he returns to the Captains quarters to let him know he found the barrel. He says "Captain, I found the secret barrel and it is truly magical. I only have one question, why can't I use it Saturday evenings or Tuesday mornings?"
"Aye," Says the Captain, "Cuz that's yahr days in the barrel."

Being Fired

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!

Life Time Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Horrible driving.

A man and his young son are out driving.
The son feels a bump and asks what it was because he's too small to see out of the windows.
Dad: 'Just a bird, son.'
After a while the car experiences another, larger bump but the dad keeps going.
Son: 'What was that, dad?'
Dad: 'A fox, son.'
More time passes, then all of a sudden the car is shook by three bumps in quick succession, one of them much
louder than the others, yet the dad drives on.
Son: 'Dad?'
Dad: 'Just a p**..., son.'
The boy contemplates his dad's words for some time.
Son: 'Why was there three bumps, dad?'
Dad: 'Well, I had to go up on the pavement to get him.'

A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to s**... down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.
A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits down on his stool, rolls up between the girl's legs, sticks his head under her gown and starts poking around. At this point he realizes the girl's legs are shaking tremendously, so he peeks out from under the gown to see the girl's face turning eight shades of red and covered in sweat.
He quickly grabs her chart again to read it completely, then says, "Oh goodness! Is this your first time at a gynecologist's?"
She nods and quietly replies, "Yes."
The doctor then says, "Well, if you think it'll make you feel better, I'd be happy to numb you first."
The girl shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay."
So the doctor puts his head back down deep between her legs, shakes his head and goes:
"NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM...."

The new CEO

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, 'How much money money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO said, 'Wait right here.' He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room a voice said, 'That was the pizza delivery guy.'

A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

Slackers

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

The California businessman

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "What do you mean wrong hole?"

A young married couple are shy about s**...

and it was difficult for them the talk about it to each other. They decided to use an innocent phrase if they wanted to do the deed. They came up with the idea to call s**... "doing the wash".
One night the young husband asked his wife if she wanted to go do the wash. She told him she was not in the mood, and he went to bed alone. The wife began to feel bad that she had denied her husband his pleasure, and shortly followed to the bedroom and told him that they could do the wash, to which he replied, "That's okay dear, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."

Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

a beautiful lady in her mid 30's is on a plane that starts to go down...

Everyone starts freaking out as the plane is plummeting towards the earth. But, the young lady really starts freaking out. She screams out to everyone on the plane "I CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS, I NEED TO FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN BEFORE I GO DOWN LIKE THIS!" She rips off her dress and reveals her n**... body to everyone on the plane. "IS THERE ANYONE IN HERE MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" She hollers to everyone in desperation to make love one last time. One man heeds her call, stands up, looks her dead in the eyes, rips off his shirt and throws it at her. "HERE! IRON THAT SHIRT!"

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

The new CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

Embarrassing Trip to the Local Swimming Pool

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.
To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.
This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.
**"Depth 1.8metres"**
Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.
More stares came her way...the sign read:
**"Men's entrance"**
She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.
Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.
**"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back"**

A new priest....

was extremely nervous about his first sermon in front of the Bishop. An older priest gave him this advice: "take a little of the communion wine. It will relax you."
The young priest, not sure how much he might need, drank until he started to feel relaxed. He got through the service and felt pretty good about his first sermon until he was called into the Bishop's office for a talk.
"First, young man, there are ten commandments, not ten suggestions....
Secondly, we don't refer to the v**... Mary as 'that prissy woman who married Joseph'...
And finally, it's The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit...
Not 'Big Daddy, JC and The Spook'!"

Girl farts at the dinner table

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!

feeling like a woman

A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of s**..., but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."
so sorry girls

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Young man and the Pharmacy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Cheeky

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"
"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."
A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"
"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortable, thanks"
"You're not in any draught, are you?"
"No," she said, impressed by his attentiveness, "I can't feel a draught at all."
"Good," he said.
"Let's swap seats."

A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...

"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"
"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:
1) Find a woman who makes you laugh
2) Find a woman who has a job and loves housework
3) Find a woman who is honest
4) Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot
5) Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom
6) Most of all, it is **Very Important** that these five women **Never** meet"

The entrance exam for medical college had just one question

if a young woman faints ,the first thing you need to do is to feel her PU_S_ .
Those who answered PULSE , passed and the rest are reading this joke

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-
Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking  so fit and young?'
Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day. 
I drink 4-5 bottles of v**... daily,and I am a serious drug-addict. 
And I hate doing exercise or Yoga.
Whenever I see someone going to gym or playground,I feel sick for them. 
That's all I do'
 Man(Extremely shocked and impressed)-'WOW Sir.That's unbelievable. By the way how old are you?'
Old man-'I will turn 25 this month'