Feeling Jokes

171 feeling jokes and hilarious feeling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about feeling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you feeling blue, tired, or even a little bit sick? Rediscover your sense of humor with these funny jokes about how you're feeling! Jokes about feeling old, cold, hot, down, uneasy, and even good are sure to make you laugh and put you back in a good vibe.

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Funniest Feeling Short Jokes

Short feeling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The feeling humour may include short feels jokes also.

  1. Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
    ^(i feel bad)
  2. Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
  3. As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
  4. Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister.
    daughter: "I don't have a si-"
  5. I've just started to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
  6. TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.
  7. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like
  8. If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
  9. I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by. I just didn't realize it would Zoom.
  10. I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore" She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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Feeling One Liners

Which feeling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with feeling? I can suggest the ones about sensation and felt like.

  1. Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day. Feeling desserted.
  2. I'm reading a horror story in Braille Something bad is about to happen...
    I can feel it
  3. I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.
  4. Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday I feel desserted
  5. nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore Feeling desserted
  6. Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
  7. What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day.... You feel desserted.
  8. So I lost my mood ring yesterday... I'm not sure how I feel about that.
  9. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
  10. Braille isn't that hard to learn... You just have to get a feel for it
  11. Nobody upvotes a cake joke on cake days anymore Feeling desserted
  12. Somebody stole my mood ring I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
  13. "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
  14. I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.
  15. I totally understand how batteries feel... I'm rarely ever included in things either.

Feeling Good Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling good jokes and even better feeling good puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • some people are like slinkys They really aren't good for anything but it feels great when you push them down the stairs.
  • My friend at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and said he didn't feel too good the next day I told him, "What do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?"
  • My friend with benefits asked when a good time to visit was. I said, "Whenever you feel like coming."
  • Interviewer: So what makes you think you'd be a good waiter here? Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
  • Someone once told me that wearing crocs is like getting a BJ from a guy Might feel good an all, but once you look down you realize...... Your gay
  • A girl looks at the mirror and says "Mom, I look really ugly, can you compliment me and make me feel better?" The mother says "Wow you have really good eyesight!"
  • If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie. By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.
  • I once volunteered to help out at a special needs school I played games with them like football, tennis, basketball etc.
    It makes you feel so good inside...
    Because you always win.
  • „Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you... „Babe, your observation skills are really good.
  • I've been reading a scary book in braille... Something good is about to happen I can feel it.

Feeling Better Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling better jokes and even better feeling better puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning
  • I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
  • What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better? A site for sore eyes!
    My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol
  • How does a booze thief make you feel better? He lifts your spirits.
  • Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better." Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
  • I had no shoes and i felt sorry for myself until i saw a man with no feet. I took his shoes now i feel better.
  • I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place. It turns out that shoes have soles.
  • I feel that Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Donald Trump Then again, that's like comparing apples to oranges...
  • I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"
  • Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?" But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.
Feeling joke, Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?"

Feeling Old Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling old jokes and even better feeling old puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.
    (I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)
  • Give me a compliment. A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
  • My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old... and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'
  • A three-legged dog walks into an old-timey saloon "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw."
    (I know it's old but I'm feeling really down and this joke cheers me up.)
  • A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?" wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive
  • 70 year old man asked his wife... Do you feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?
    Wife: No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it.
  • Anti Vaxx Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.
  • I've been telling him too many dad jokes apparently. Wife: I was feeling sad because the sun went away.
    10-year old boy: I'm right here!
  • How do you put spaghetti to sleep? You cover it in peanut butter until it dies.
    My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this.
  • You know that you're getting old when it feels like 'the morning after'..... .....but, there was no 'night before."

Feeling Young Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling young jokes and even better feeling young puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend told me he felt sad because he didn't know the lyrics to "YMCA". I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down".
  • So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy "hey mister it's getting dark out and I'm scared"
    Man "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone"
  • Saw this young child crying at work today so I tried to make him feel better and asked where his parents were. I also lost my job at the orphanage later that day...
  • A man walks into the woods with a young boy. Boy: hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared
    Man: how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone
  • How does a young man make an old woman feel young again? Elixir
  • A doctor asks an dying old man: "How do you feel about euthanasia?" Old man: "I don't care if young people want to be in Asia. Let em."
  • There was a young lady from Ongar who had an affair with a conger.
    I said, "Well how does it feel
    to sleep with an eel?"
    She said, "Just like a man, only longer."
  • palpatine told Anakin.... we don't need the Light we'll Live on the darkside I see it lets feel it While Your still young and Fearless
    Anakin: Im letting go of the light Falling to the dark side
  • A young Spanish boy walked home feeling disheartened After getting turned down for a job at the local bakery, he realized his dream just wouldn't pan out
  • A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

Feeling Sick Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling sick jokes and even better feeling sick puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
  • Are you sweating while putting petrol in your car? Feeling sick when paying for it? You've got the carownervirus.
  • Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days? Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
  • Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying? You have got the carownervirus
  • I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
  • THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK! A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".
  • Sweating when filling up? Feel sick when you see prices? You might be suffering from Car Owner Virus
  • What does a sick billionaire say? "I feel like a million bucks"
  • There's a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...
    It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!
  • I don't have a great relationship with my doctor. In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.
Feeling joke, I don't have a great relationship with my doctor.

Amusing & Witty Feeling Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about feeling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean emotions jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make feeling pranks.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

A young girl goes to the doctor and tells him she is feeling ill

So the doctor places the end of the stethoscope on her chest and says "Big breaths".
To which the girl replies "Thankth, I'm only thickthteen."

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

So an Italian man and a Greek man we're arguing over which of their countries was the better one...

...and they eventually got to the topic of s**.... The Greek, feeling as though had would clearly win with his next point, stated very boldly, "Oh yea? Well, we Greeks invented the art of s**...!"
Without skipping a beat, the Italian replied, "True, but *we* invented s**... with women!"

My wife left me because I kept touching pasta

Now I'm feeling cannelloni

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.

Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

Drunk people are always fascinating

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs were all in a hot tub. They were all feeling happy, then Happy got out.

My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

So a doctor has s**... with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have s**... with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

As airplanes about to c**......

As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy.

So he left.

Three guys show up in heaven

Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-s**... at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?
Because of the Nye Quill.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Why didn't the c**... show up for work?

She wasn't feeling herself that day.

Are you feeling sluggish and tired? Constantly yawning throughout your day?

There's a nap for that!

I used to be embarrassed by my geology f**....

I started off s**... gravel but now I'm feeling a little boulder.

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

There was a man who loved puns.

There once was a man who loved puns. They were his favorite kind of humor, and he would often spend time trying to come up with new ones. One morning he was feeling particularly inspired and thought up ten brand new puns. And so he went about his day with the intention of using his new puns to get a laugh from his friends, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.

I handed my wife some paracetamol.

I handed my wife some paracetamol (i.e Tylenol), to which she gave me an odd look. She asked me "why would I want these?"
"Do you not have a headache?"
"No" she responded.
"Not feeling unwell at all?"
"No, I am feeling perfectly fine".
"That's great, we can have s**... this evening then".

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather?

He's not feeling himself today.

A horse walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says "are you feeling all right?" The horse replies,"I don't think I am," *p**...* the horse disappears. This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put *Descartes* before the horse.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

When I'm feeling down.

I just remind myself that I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for o**....

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

A fool proof way to never feel lonely.

If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.

Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched?

'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop.
*Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm s**.... You can stop telling me.

My girlfriend dumped me over my love for pasta

And now I'm feeling canaloni

A plane is about to c**...

A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."

I have this nagging feeling.

It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.

7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy

Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy

Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke

Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...

Lil piggy is sick

A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"

Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

The 7 dwarves are in the bath, all feeling happy

So he got out

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Y'know, I was feeling sad after my crush told me that she liked me as a brother,

But then I realized that she was from Alabama.

My eldest came to me and

he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

A buddy of mine is one of those flat Earther's. He said he's angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he'll come around.

Snow White and the 7 Dwarves were all in bed feeling happy

Happy left soon afterwards, so they started feeling grumpy

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the m**... hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?
I'm feeling Lost.

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

My 4yo's first real joke: Why did the clown go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling funny!

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling his old self.

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.
Feel free to downvote me to reddit h**......

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.

Ask a s**....

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.

Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .
Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me
An arm and a leg
….what can I get for a rib?

Next time you're feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has s**... 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

Next time you're feeling down, remember that life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has s**... 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day and reads two books every week yet he always complains how he much he hates prison.

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta f**..."

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…

He woke up feeling his wife's hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, What are you doing?
In a sweet voice she said, I just love watching you sleep.

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
"6," the old lady responded.
"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."
"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"

I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping

I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.

I was feeling a bit lonely so I bought some stock

Now I have a bit of company.

I've decided to quit my job as a Personal Trainer, I'm always feeling drained, and just not physically up to it..

So I've just handed in my too weak notice..

I ate an entire feather pillow last week

Since then I've been feeling down in the dumps.

I have a feeling that I'll be fired from my job at the graffiti removal company.

The writing is on the wall.

Feeling joke, I have a feeling that I'll be fired from my job at the graffiti removal company.

jokes about feeling