Feeling Ill Jokes
36 feeling ill jokes and hilarious feeling ill puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about feeling ill that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Feeling Ill Short Jokes
Short feeling ill jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The feeling ill humour may include short feeling sick jokes also.
- I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges.... I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.
- Frank was feeling ill so he went to see a doctor Spanish Doctor: It seems you have caught a terrible illness.
Frank: Is it Hepatitis?
Spanish Doctor: sí - They're not sure if Kim Jong Un is actually missing or is feeling under the weather... .... so is Kim Jong *ill*?
*Applause applause*
Thank you. I'll be here all night, folks.
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Feeling Ill One Liners
Which feeling ill one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with feeling ill? I can suggest the ones about feeling poorly and being sick.
- When Indians feel ill, what do they do They use their Sikh leave
Feeling Ill Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about feeling ill you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feeling better jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make feeling ill pranks.
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
A young girl goes to the doctor and tells him she is feeling ill
So the doctor places the end of the stethoscope on her chest and says "Big breaths".
To which the girl replies "Thankth, I'm only thickthteen."
My favourite joke
So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Doctors
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.
A bucket goes to the doctor
The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.
The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."
"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."
The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."
A man is feeling ill, so he goes to see a doctor.
The doctor runs some tests and returns with a grave face.
Doctor: I'm really sorry, but this is terminal. You don't have long to live.
Man: What? No! How could this happen? I have a wife and child! Tell me doc, how long do I have left?
Doctor: 10...
Man: Ten months? That's horrible! How will I tell my wife?
Doctor: 9...
A man had been feeling ill, so he went to his doctor.
The doctor ran a battery of tests, then came back into the examination room. "Sir, I'm sorry," he said, "but we've discovered you have a terminal illness."
"Oh God!" the man said. "How long do I have?!"
"Ten -- " the doctor said.
"Ten what?!" the man interrupted. "Years?! Months?! Weeks?! Days?!"
"Nine, eight, seven..."
The Farmer had an ill-tempered Donkey.
The donkey would refuse to plow the fields and would kick any anyone that came close to him. One unfortunate day, the donkey kicked the farmer's wife, who died from the blow. During the f**..., thousands of men showed up from all over the province. Feeling amused, a neighbor asked the farmer, "Thats a lot of men paying their respects. Was your wife popular back in the day?"
The farmer bursts out laughing and says, "No, they're here to buy the donkey!"
A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.
He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."
A cop lights me up for speeding
Im driving down the road and a cop lights me up
So I took off and made him chase me awhile..
Finally I give up and pull over.
The cop walks up and says, "Look, its the end of my tour, Im tired,
I dont feel like doing paperwork, If you give me a good excuse, Ill let ya go"
So I say "Last week my girl left me and ran off with a cop,
I thought you were trying to bring her back"
A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.
His boss told him : When I'm feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.
Good news, bad news
A man was feeling ill and went to the doctor, and the latter said he needs tests before determining what's wrong, and told him to comeback in a week
A week passed and the man came to the hospital, and the doctor told him: "I have good news and bad news"
"The bad news is that your treatment will take some time
The good news is that you will go down in history, as a new disease will be named after you"
John was at Sunday School. This particular lesson, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little John listened intently as they explained how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and asked: John what is the matter, are you feeling okay?
Little John responded: I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!
Cheeky
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.
His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him s**... whenever he wants it."
The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"
After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."
A Dutch anti-German joke (and the first foreign joke i ever learned!)
There's still a lot of ill feeling against the Germans in Holland. With that in mind, this is a joke a Dutch friend told me.
Walking around Amsterdam one day, a Dutchie sees a man down on his knees scooping up water from the canal with his hand to drink.
He shouts to the man (in Dutch) "Don't drink that, you will be sick!!!)
The man responds (in German) "Was hast du gesagt??" (What are you saying?)
The Dutch man responds (in German) "Use both hands! It's much better!"
Undefined illness
Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???
A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says:
"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...
...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his t**... feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."
A mud joke
(This is a translation from a french joke and my translation skill isn't great. I Hope it still makes someone laugh)
A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says "You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don't think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live"
The woman, desperate, begs him "Are you really sure there isn't any drug that can help me ?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day"
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says "Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?"
The doctor answers "Oh no, that won't cure you, but at least you'll get used to being in the earth."
Jane Smith
John Smith's wife Jane was feeling very ill, so he took her to the hospital, where he had to leave her overnight. The next day, when he came to pick her up, the Doctor came to him and said, "Is your wife Jane Smith?"
John says, "Yes, doctor, what is the matter?"
The Doctor says, "Well, it seems that we had two 'Jane Smiths' check in last night. One of them had Alzheimer's, and the other had AIDS. We must have mixed them up, and we are not sure which is your wife."
John is distraught. "That's awful, Doc. What should I do?"
The Doctor responds in a grave tone, "Take the woman we give you very far away, and if she finds her way back home, don't sleep with her."
A man's wife lay dying in the hospital...
with a mysterious illness. After the doctor said that there was nothing else he could do, he turned and left the couple alone in the room. The man asked his wife "Honey, is there anything I can do for you before you go?"
She weakly replied "Yes. I want you to go down on me."
Her husband was shocked. "What? Why? You mean right here, now?"
"Yes, please dear. It would make me happy one last time."
So the husband reluctantly begins to carry out his wife's request. As his wife nears c**..., she becomes more and more animated and finally screams out in pleasure.
The husband looks at her in shock, just as the doctors and nurses rush into the room. The wife looks at the everyone and says "I feel wonderful! Better than I've felt in my life!" The doctor, in disbelief, asked what had happened. The wife explained what had transpired, and just then her husband sat down on the bed weeping.
His wife asked, "Honey, why are you crying? You saved my life!"
Her husband answered her "Yes, and I'm so happy about that. It's just, to think, I could have saved Mom and Aunt Mary!"
Bob goes to the doctor...
Bob goes to the doctor for tests and is
diagnosed with an extremely rare illness that
can only be cured if he drinks a quantity of
fresh mother's milk. When he gets home, he asks his mother, but she just tells him not to be daft. Then his mother tells him that the girl upstairs has just given birth and the husband is away at sea, so he should go up and ask her nicely. The girl is just about to go to bed when Bob arrives, but she agrees to his request and, with a mischievous smile, invites him through to the bedroom. "You can't get it any fresher," she says, presenting her left breast to his lips. Bob feels a bit awkward, but he is only following doctor's orders after all. As he slurps at his medication, he hears a few soft moans and sighs. She gently pulls his head away from her breast, looks at him and murmurs, "Is there anything else I could offer you?" Overwhelmed by her generosity, he wipes his lips and says, . . . . . . . "Well, a biscuit would be very nice."
Bill, Bonnie, and Ted
So Bill, Bonnie, and Ted are stuck on a deserted tropical island. And I mean completely deserted. After a week they haven't seen any other inhabitants, they've seen no boats, planes, anything.
Over the next couple of weeks they manage to find and gather some food, create a shelter, and generally start living a pretty decent life. They have food in abundance, and their shelter protects them from occasional rains. A few weeks go by and once the stress of washing up on an island ebbs away, they start having urges. So they start having s**.... They're only human, they all have needs. Luckily enough Bonnie never gets pregnant, so they've basically got the perfect setup.
This goes on for a number of months, and all of a sudden Bonnie dies from a mysterious illness. Bill and Ted are crushed, they feel like their having s**... with Bonnie caused her to develop this sickness and die. They're deep in mourning but, eventually, time does heal all wounds, and after a few weeks, they start having urges again. And hey, there's no one around to judge them, so Bill and Ted continue having s**.... This continues for a couple of weeks, and then one morning Bill and Ted wake up with this weird feeling... Like what they're doing is wrong, like it's against God's will, it's not what he would have wanted...
So they decide to bury Bonnie
A specimen, you ask?
So Mrs. O'Reilly, a dear old lady, hadn't been feeling too well lately, and she tells her husband, he tells her to give it a couple of days and if she still doesn't feel better, he'd take her to the doctor. A couple days pass, and dear old Mrs. O'Reilly isn't feeling any better so they make the trip to the hospital. The doctor gave Mrs. O'Reilly a full physical, checking anything that could be wrong but to no prevail, so he told her that he would need a specimen to be sure of what was making the old lady ill. Mrs. O'Reilly said okay and that she would return at her next appointment with the specimen. During the ride home, the car was silent between Mrs. O'Reilly and her husband until he finally asked what was wrong, she replied that the doctor would need a specimen, but she hadn't an idea what it was, her husband shrugged and said he hadn't the slightest, they agreed that Mrs. O'Reilly would ask their nice neighbor Ms. Thomas if she knew what it was when they got home. When they arrived, the husband went inside and Mrs. O'Reilly went over to Ms. Thomas' home. Mrs. O'Reilly returned about a half hour later, all beaten up, hair askew and winded, her husband asked her what happened, she replied "i knocked on the door, was let in and asked Ms. thomas is she knew what a specimen was, she replied, p**... in a bottle' to which i retorted s**... in a hat!' and the fight was on!"
A young man shopping in a supermarket
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
A Man Goes To His Doctor for a Complete Checkup
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you only have one year to live." the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.
"Well yes, you can stop drinking, stop having promiscuous s**..., and join the m**... church" the doctor replies.
"Will that make me live longer?" the man asks
"No, but it will be the longest year of your life..."
An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.
An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."