Feeling Cold Jokes

53 feeling cold jokes and hilarious feeling cold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about feeling cold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Feeling Cold Short Jokes

Short feeling cold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The feeling cold humour may include short feeling hot jokes also.

  1. I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
  2. Wanna know the best part about making out with a perfect 10? The cold feel of the mirror on your lips.
  3. What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10? The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror
  4. Did you hear about the man with a cold who went to a miniature petting zoo? He was feeling a little hoarse.
  5. I was feeling Cold last night Apparently Cold has now joined the #metoo movement and I am now facing charges.
  6. Where should you go in the room if you're feeling cold? The corner—they're usually 90 degrees.
  7. I don't get why everyone makes such a big deal about the cold weather. I'm out in it right now and I can't feel a thing!
  8. There's only one problem when kissing a perfect ten. The mirror always feels so cold on your lips :(
  9. LPT: If you feel too cold, and can't afford central heating ...Just stand in a corner of your house. They are usually ~ 90°
  10. What did one necrophiliac say to the other necrophiliac? You feel like cracking open a cold one?

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Feeling Cold One Liners

Which feeling cold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with feeling cold? I can suggest the ones about freezing cold and cold outside.

  1. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
  2. Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!
  3. What does a spy do when he feels cold ? He goes undercover.
  4. I feel so cold using the computer. Because I opened too many windows.
  5. If you feel cold, go stand over in the corner. It's 90 degrees there.
  6. If you ever feel cold, sit in the corner It's always 90 degrees there
  7. If you're feeling cold you should go to the corner... because it's *90 degrees*
  8. I'm absolutely good at catching two things: cold and feelings.
  9. How did Elsa feel about absolute zero? She was 0k.
    The cold never bothered her anyway.
  10. My mother was feeling cold so now I'm wearing a sweater.
  11. I was feeling cold, so I stood in the corner of the room. They told me it was 90 degrees
  12. When do you feel coffee? When you have a cold.

Feeling Cold Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about feeling cold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean winter cold jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make feeling cold pranks.

A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principals.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
"Mom, can I e**... Helen?"
The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears: "Sure... You can! e**... her... to the corner with your eyes!"

So a blind man walks into a bar...

So a blind man walks into a bar in Texas. He feels his way up to the counter and pulls himself into the chair and exclaims, "WOW! these barstools are huge!". The bartender then replies, "yep, everything is bigger in Texas."
The blind man then orders a beer, so the bartender brings him over a mug of some ice cold beer. The blind mind exclaims, "WOW! this mug is huge!". The bartender then replies, "yep, everything is bigger in Texas."
After a few drinks the blind man asks to use the toilet. The bartender tells him its to his right and its the second door on the left. So the blind man feels his his way over to the first door, but he trips and stumbles past the second door. He then opens the next door he comes to and ends up falling into the bartender's personal pool screaming, 'DON'T FLUSH! DON'T FLUSH!"

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,

An old man and a young girl are walking through the dark, scary woods...

An old man and a young girl are walking through the dark, scary woods.
The girl looks up and says "I don't like this. It's creepy, cold and I'm scared!!"
The man replies, "How do you think I feel!! I've got to walk back alone!!"

Stolen Wood

John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.

A Sioux meets a Cowboy cutting some wood

The cowboy asks, "Hey fellow, can you tell me if it's going to be cold this winter?" The indian says "Yes. It will be cold."
The Indian swings by again watching the cowboy cutting wood. The cowboy asks, "really, pal, how cold and how long you think this winter will be?" "It will be very cold and very long!" the Sioux answers.
The following day, the indian comes back and the cowboy is going crazy again preparing for winter. This one goes, "you seem so sure about your forecast. What did you see that gave you the feeling that this winter will be so hard and cold?"
"Sioux have a say," the indian goes, "When white man cuts lot of wood, winter is long and xold."

A man noticed that his thermometer had come down with a n**... cold.

Medicine in hand, he asked the thermometer, "How are you feeling?"
The thermometer responded, "0K."

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

What do beers and babies have in common?

At the end of a long, hard day, nothing feels better than k**... back, relaxing, and cracking open a cold one.

A bad boxer

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."

I hate waking up in the morning and feeling cold feet touching mine.

That the last time I sleep in a mortuary.

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innuit is forced to swim back to shore, losing his boat and his catch.
The moral of the story is, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Different ethnic groups in the USSR have a meeting.

Each group has a representative, who must talk about what it is like living in the soviet union (and praise lenin and communism along the way if they don't want to get killed).
The Chukchi people live in Siberia, and haven't had it so great under soviet rule. Their representative begins to speak.
"After the revolution, in 1922 when the soviet union was formed, we had 1 feeling: cold."
"A few years later, we began to have another feeling: hunger."
This raised some eyebrows.
"And now we have 3 feelings: cold, hunger, and a great appreciation for the communist party."

I was in surgery the other day and the first thing he told me was he needed to feel my t**....

Jesus, his hands were cold! You would have thought any successful dentist could afford decent heating.

What does a carrot say when it gets picked?

It can only silently scream into the abyss.
It has no mouth, yet it surely must have screamed when it was ripped from its comfortable life to face the cold, uncaring winds of its fate. It was a sheep to the s**....
And aren't we?
As a species, we have no other goal than continuation: eat, drink, sleep, reproduce, die. We are destined to die and to feel the unfeeling embrace of the void, and we have no escape.
Like the lamb, or the carrot, we are destined for the void.

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada.

He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...
It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.
The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.
His feet feel refreshed!
The street has gorgeous s**... and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.
He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.
One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!
The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.
He interrupts them to say, Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best.
The man with the sledge stops and says, Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold.
Well, I'll be! cried the archaeologist. And what's that fellow up to? pointing to the man on his knees.
Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see...
And here the man paused...
So you hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist.
The gradist...of fall time.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"

A cow is standing out in a field on a miserable winter's day.

There is a fox in the forest on the edge of the field sheltered by the trees, and he starts to feel sorry for the cow as it must be so cold. So he scurries out quickly to the cow and says, "man, you must be so cold out here."
And the cow says, " Cold! I'm Fresian!"