Cheerful Fun Feel Jokes for Lovely Laughter
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about s**...? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
You can explore feel pretty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean feel lightheaded dad jokes. There are also feel puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How to make girls feel safe in the hallways
I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a r**....
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
I have a bumper sticker that says...
"Honk if you think I'm s**...."
Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.
My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"
Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation
The husband says "ah, it's raining"
The wife replies "no it's snowing"
"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,
"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"
"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off
"see?" says the husband,
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
A man walks into a bar...
...and loses the international limbo championship.
(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)
The moist finger
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
If you ever feel lonely...
just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
Give me a compliment.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember
there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
Hey baby are you a Communist?
Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.
She must have given me a cold or something.
Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"
Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
~~
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
Happiness is like peeing in your pants
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…
I can feel it…
Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
It said 2-4 years on the box.
Somebody stole my mood ring
I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...
I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"
I feel like I bring a lot to the table
Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion
Neutral
As in
Without an ion
Sometimes i rub sand into my p**...
Just so I can make my c**... feel at home.
I totally understand how batteries feel...
I'm rarely ever included in things either.
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
My husband called and asked if I could be n**... before he gets home from work...
...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Braille isn't that hard to learn...
You just have to get a feel for it
I was forced to s**... purple food color.
I feel violated.
The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.
I told him I'd be 100% down with that.
I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...
I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.
Y'know, I was feeling sad after my crush told me that she liked me as a brother,
But then I realized that she was from Alabama.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.
It's nice to have a bit of company.
Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...
...but we could only come up with half.
Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US
So I lost my mood ring yesterday...
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your s**... jokes when you get older
Me "when I what"
I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.
It's nice to have some company.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman's body.
Then I was born.
Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn't realize it would Zoom.
I feel bad for children of gay couples.
They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.
Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday
I feel desserted
What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....
You feel desserted.
Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?
To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.
Feel free to downvote me to reddit h**......
TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.
It's called gluten tag.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000
Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information
Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember
right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that
If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban
I feel sad for people with gay parents
They either get twice the number of dad jokes or are stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask mom'
What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?
2 hands on your shoulders
Cop: So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You're going to feel really s**... when you look in my trunk.
If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.
I was feeling a bit lonely so I bought some stock
Now I have a bit of company.
i have spent 2 hours trying to explain sunk cost fallacy to my son
he doesn't seem to be understanding anything i am saying and honestly, i feel like giving up.
but if i quit now, i'd have spent all this time for nothing!
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
„Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you...
„Babe, your observation skills are really good.
I gave the woman next door the Corona virus The husband was fuming, and I feel morally guilty
it goes against what I've been taught.
Thou shall no COVID the neighbors wife..
How did the cow feel after giving birth?
Decaffeinated.
I was at a wedding recently, and a woman walked up to me and said "every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place". Excitedly, I said "why, are you single?"
"no" she said, "I'm a dentist".
I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.
On the upside, it's buttered.
On the downside, it isn't.
I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...
Doctor: It sounds like diabetes.
I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon
Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon's main powers were and was like Ctrl C
Buying a shoe
A man walks into a shoe store...
...and tries on a pair of shoes.
\- "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
\- "Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
\- "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.
\- "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
