Feel Better Jokes
101 feel better jokes and hilarious feel better puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about feel better that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Feel Better Short Jokes
Short feel better jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The feel better humour may include short feeling better jokes also.
- I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning
- I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
- What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better? A site for sore eyes!
My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol - Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better." Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
- I had no shoes and i felt sorry for myself until i saw a man with no feet. I took his shoes now i feel better.
- I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place. It turns out that shoes have soles.
- I feel that Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Donald Trump Then again, that's like comparing apples to oranges...
- A girl looks at the mirror and says "Mom, I look really ugly, can you compliment me and make me feel better?" The mother says "Wow you have really good eyesight!"
- I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"
- Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?" But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.
Share These Feel Better Jokes With Friends
Feel Better One Liners
Which feel better one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with feel better? I can suggest the ones about get better and feel good.
- How does a booze thief make you feel better? He lifts your spirits.
- Did you know that Apple makes your eyes feel better? They call it iDrops
- I just started working out and taking supplements Am feeling whey better now
- I'm not fond of narcissism. I feel like I'm better than that.
- Why are fingerprints always so uplifting? They make people feel better.
- I never put a case on my cell phone. It just feels better unprotected.
- How do you help a sick ghost feel better? Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!
- What does a pirate's beard feel like? Corsair.
(works better in a pirate accent) - What do you call ham that feels better? Cured ham.
- I'm a recovering alcoholic... ...but I usually feel better by lunch.
- I used to be a cleptomaniac but now that I took some medicine I feel much better
- Wanna fork? Not to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better.
- The slogan for Canada Dry should be "I hope you feel better."
- UnFuNy JoKe Is there a better feeling than closing 14 tabs after finishing a project??
- What kind of vegetable always helps you feel better? Thera-peas
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Feel Better Jokes
What funny jokes about feel better you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean get better soon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make feel better pranks.
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?
I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.
A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.
Noticing he has a h**..., the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feeling better than ever.
"Weren't you dead?", Asked the nurses.
"Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great!"
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
Helpful Daughter
Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
Picture problems
One day a wife asked her husband why he kept a picture of her in his wallet.
"Whenever I have a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and feel much better,"he said.
"I have that much power over you?" the wife asked, excited.
"Yes,"he said,"When I look at your picture, I tell myself that my other problems are not nearly as big as this one."
Finish what you start!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
So an Italian man and a Greek man we're arguing over which of their countries was the better one...
...and they eventually got to the topic of s**.... The Greek, feeling as though had would clearly win with his next point, stated very boldly, "Oh yea? Well, we Greeks invented the art of s**...!"
Without skipping a beat, the Italian replied, "True, but *we* invented s**... with women!"
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
True story: When I s**... my Movember stache on Dec 1st...
I thought I looked really young, so I joked with my wife: "how does it feel to be married to a 12-year-old boy?"
She replied: "Better than a 12-year-old boy m**...."
Touche.
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his s**... life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, s**... and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit s**... yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, f**... it, soldier on!
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
How to make girls feel safe in the hallways
I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a r**....
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.
Calling in sick from work
A man is calling in sick from work and says to his boss, sorry boss, I can't come into work I'm feeling sick. His boss replies, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever I feel sick I have s**... with my wife and usually feel better. You should try it. The man agrees and calls him back later that day. He says you were right. I do feel better and your house is really nice.
Some guys are talking about pets...
They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."
A caring son
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "
"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "
"Under the wagon. "
Gone Fishing.
This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."
"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."
So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"
"How did I pack?" the wife asks.
"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.
"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box."
I have a bumper sticker that says...
"Honk if you think I'm s**...."
Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
My ex-girlfriend called me to let me know she had AIDS...
I didn't know how to console her and make her feel better, so I just said, "I know."
A crying blond
A blond goes into work crying her eyes out,her boss asks her whats wrong,she tells him that her mom died,the boss tells her that its ok for her not to come to work,but she disagrees and says that she needs to work to put her mind of it.As the day goes by she feels better,later she received a phone call and starts screaming and crying,when the boss came and asked her whats wrong she says: "That was my sister,HER MOM DIED TOO!"
I feel sorry for Bruce Jenner.
He should have never admitted that he is a Republican. Some things are just better kept in the closet.
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
Why do happy people like to sleep in late?
Because they aren't mourning people.
I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Sometimes peeing feels better than s**....
It lasts longer too.
There's no better feeling than laying next to the person you love
And they don't know you love them
Or that you're in their house again
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.
I found out that m**... with a dead arm feels better...
...but apparently that 'ruined' the f**....
In a shelter for abused women.
My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem?
Girl: Of course, yes, I do
Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
I desperately needed to pass gas!
and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
Lil piggy is sick
A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"
Vomiting is like s**......
It's sometimes better to just bend over and let it happen.
When it comes it comes.
You usually feel g**... afterwards, but there's still a sense of relief.
Lee has a terrible headache
Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"
Chinese Sick Leave
Wong calls his boss in the morning telling him he was feeling sick and couldn't come to work.
His boss says, "You know what Wong? Sometimes when I feel sick I ask my wife for s**.... I feel better then. You should do the same."
Wong agrees and three hours later he calls his boss again.
"I do what you say and I feel better now. I come to work in a while... By the way, you have very nice house."
What do the military and s**... have in common?
The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.
There were some monks in a monastery...
...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".
After both suffering from depression, my wife and I were going to commit s**... yesterday.
But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
Two boys are walking through the woods and one of them gets an idea of a funny prank.
He picks up some rabbit turds and after a few minutes of walking, stops, and says, "want some smart-pills?" The other boy said "sure" takes a couple, and swallows them whole.
"I don't feel any smarter."
"Take a couple more." And he does.
Moments later, eyes coming to realization,"Say, if I didn't know any better, I'd say those were rabbit turds."
"Now you're getting smarter."
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
Me: Nothing's going well in my life.
Friend: Think positive thoughts! You ll feel better.
Me: | Nothing's going well in my life. |
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.
One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."
A blind guy walks into a bar
His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.
BJ for Sore t**...
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My t**... really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore t**... I give my husband o**... s**... and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
A family was having dinner when the topic of s**... came up.
Teenage son: I know s**... feels good for both people but does it feel better for the man or woman?
Mom replies: What feels better, an itchy ear or your pinky finger?
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
I had to put my dog down today :(
My arms were really tired and he's really heavy. I'm feeling better now so I might pick him up again.
Timed Gas
Timed Gas
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my Samsung phone with an ear-piece.
A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...
" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have s**... with my wife. It does wonders."
"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"
An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute and says,
"Oh, and by the way, you have a really nice house"
A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on
It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better
Saw this young child crying at work today so I tried to make him feel better and asked where his parents were.
I also lost my job at the orphanage later that day...
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid.
I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "
Two muslims were in relationship.
Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."
Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."
Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."
A guy goes to the doctor because he's been having trouble with his s**... life.
The doctor gives him an examination and says: Look, you're just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you'll start to feel better.
A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says Gee thanks for the advice doc, I've been running ten miles a day and I feel great!
Well that's just great! How's your s**... life?
How the h**... would I know, I'm 70 miles away!
I was in the bar yesterday...
when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod.
Billy Bob calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Billy Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me s**.... That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Billy Bob calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him
Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.
He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.
Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.
Some days I just feel like I don't have the capacity for raising kids.
He can be a real live wire sometimes.
My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....
She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?
Complimenting the wife
An Irish man's wife is standing n**... in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.
"Oh p**..., look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me t**... are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.
"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel better about meself?"
p**... looks up from his book and says to his wife,
"Ah well... at least we know ye have perfect eyesight!"
What happens when a brother thinks he is ugly?
After that, he thinks of his sister and feels better.
