Feeding Jokes

George and Mildred

It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"

Everyone thinks..

Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
h**...'s not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.

Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?

Because they weren't getting a square meal.

How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

My dog used to love me feeding him a few unwanted scraps as he hid underneath the table.

Eventually cost me my job at the abortion clinic though.

So now they're feeding cow m**... infused grain? That isn't for me...

...those steaks are too high.

A man discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever.

A man discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever. He went to the beach and grabbed two seagulls. As he arrived back home, he saw, sound asleep in his doorway, an old stodgy lion. As he stepped over the lion carrying the seagulls, police surrounded and arrested him. Of course the charge was transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, "Have you had a nice day?"

I said, "Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I'd just left school."

When I was little I didn't mind my mom feeding me, the only food I refused to allow her to feed me was Alpha-Bits...

I just didn't want anyone putting words in my mouth...

TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight

Whoops, wrong sub.
By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds.

My son asked me where babies come from

"They come out of mommy's belly" I said
He then asked, "Well where do they come out?"
"Through a special hole between her legs" I replied
"Well I think she's having another one, I saw her yesterday feeding it a cucumber"

Feeding your cat and sleeping with men have a lot in common

They only really like you if they still want to cuddle after.

Shredder

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously?

By feeding the poor to the hungry.

Breast feeding

I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.
I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's s**... assault

Johnny's mother called his father at work...

"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"
"Keep feeding him nickles!"

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.
The next day, the twins' uncle died.

The defendant is accused of feeding a steer dynamite...

A bomb in a bull.

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

Campers

Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with ethiopian still actively feeding.

Milkin' it.

I walked into the living room to see my wife breast feeding our son.
Being curious, I asked: "how long are you going to keep doing this, honey? I mean at what age is it too old for him?"
"Well, I think it's necessary to have quality bonding time between mother and child, and usually societal norms dictate this age aught to be ..."
I got impatient again: "Shut up son, i was talking to your mother. "

I spent all night feeding the homeless

to dogs.

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.
"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.
"Keep feeding him nickels!" the father said.

I was thinking about feeding a cow with nothing but m**... to see if the meat would taste any better....

But I came to the conclusion that the steaks would be too high.

Neo n**... are like cats...

If they like you, you're probably feeding them
Source: last week tonight

What did the pigeon say to the baker who stopped feeding his family bread in the morning?

Coup coup!

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

A man is arrested for killing a condor

A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."

Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.

If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.
If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiting another year.
And if they're a chemist, they'll follow the recipe perfectly, but insist on doing everything ten times to avoid random error.

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn't do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.
Kid 1 : My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.
Kid 2 : My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.
Kid 3 : My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.
Kid 4 : My name is Peanuts.

Timothy Treadwell, the "Grizzly Man", died doing what he loved...

... feeding the bears

What did Detective Somerset say to the angry sketch artist?

It's impressive to see a man feeding off his pen motions...

Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.

In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".
The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure if the cats were using those words in the right context.

We spend so much money feeding other countries but...

We never do anything for the impatient American kid who has plenty of food at home, but doesn't feel like eating anything he has.

Is it insensitive...

For a mother to say "here comes the airplane" when feeding her two twins.

Downvoting anything is feeding the troll

I was cooking dinner, and when I pulled the kielbasa out, I held it up and looked at my wife. I said "don't you wish"?

I should really start feeding her.

What's the solution to world hunger?

Stop feeding them! They wont be hungry much longer.

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

3 old ladies are in a park

Three elderly grey ladies are sitting on a bench feeding birds in the park. Suddenly, a man runs in front of them and whips open his trench coat, to reveal he's wearing nothing underneath!
Astonished at the exposure the first Lady has a s**.... The second Lady has a s**....
And
Sadly
the third old lady couldn't quite reach.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.
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♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

I had a nightmare last nigh

I dreamed I was Dolly Parton's baby and she was bottle feeding me.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Alpo

I told you that feeding your husband all that dog food would finally kill him!
It wasn't the Alpo, he broke his neck trying to lick his b**....

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

Mouths are the new b**....

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-s**...!!..

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car c**..., my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my a**..., feeding me and all of the house work.
But still, we just thank god she survived the c**....

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.
"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.
"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"

"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."
"Your snake eats... Bread?"
"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."

A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.

Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."
The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!
"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

I went to a petting zoo. When I was feeding the sheep, one began to choke.

So I laid him on his back and adminstered SheePR.
He survived, but he was in pretty ba-aa-aa-ad shape.

Newborn baby's first meal

My newborn son is having trouble with breast feeding. For some reason we can't get him to latch on. The lactation specialist, midwife, nurses and doctors have tried everything to help. We're frustrated the baby is hungry so I'm going to give up and let my wife try.

p**... joke

I took my baby daughter to get her shots. As the pediatrician asks us about feeding and activities, she drops the question "How's the p**...?"
I replied "I don't know. I haven't tried it."
I am not allowed to go to her doctor's appointments. :(

What do parents feeding their kids and t**... have in common?

Here comes the airplane!