Feeding Jokes
116 feeding jokes and hilarious feeding puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about feeding that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores why feeding jokes are so funny and common, with a close look at topics such as feeding chickens, bird feeding, grain nutrition, and more. Find out why the act of feeding has been a source of comedy, and get ready to laugh.
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Funniest Feeding Short Jokes
Short feeding jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The feeding humour may include short nutrition jokes also.
- Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16 - Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
- My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- I lost my job at the zoo recently. There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.
- When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
- Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
- My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters. Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
- Quick question... How much of this "No More tear" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"
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Feeding One Liners
Which feeding one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with feeding? I can suggest the ones about diet and feed hungry.
- Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Give a fish a man and feed it for a month
- What do you feed a hungry robot? Mega-bites.
Just an average joke by my sister - What do you feed a gay horse? Haaaaaaayyy
- What bounces and makes little children cry? My donation check to Feed the Children!
- Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe? A little goes a long way
- What's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog.
- Why do gamblers feed their cows edibles? Because they like it when the steaks are high
- What does a therapist feed a cannibal? Piece of mind
- What does Anakin do when Luke doesn't eat his vegetables? He force-feeds him
- What's yellow and feeds on dead beatles? Yoko Ono
- You should always feed your dog well, You don't want a bad yelp review.
- What do you get when you feed an Eevee a sandwich? A Luncheon!
- What does a female preacher feed her newborn child?
Pastorized milk. - What happens when you feed a hen too many carrots? You get orange chicken!
- So I put my dog on a vegan diet Don't worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find
Feeding Fish Jokes
Here is a list of funny feeding fish jokes and even better feeding fish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime... Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
- Feed a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Feed a fish a man, and you're no longer welcome at Seaworld.
- Give a communist a fish? Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish - If you google about fish Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But if you google about fish just once, you'll see advertisements about fishing for the rest of your days.
- Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman, and he'll teach himself how to fish.
- Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job. - Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life Teach a fish to man and ARGGHHH AHH AHH IT'S GOT ME
- Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Give a vegan a fish and you'll never hear the end of it
- Give a cat a fish, feed him for a day. No seriously, that's it. Just give us the fish.
Breast Feeding Jokes
Here is a list of funny breast feeding jokes and even better breast feeding puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed. If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
- My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day... ...as if that first year of college wasn't difficult enough.
- I asked my mom if I could try to breast feed one more time. It was a trip down mammary lane.
- Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently. But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.
- So the woman sitting next to me on a plane with an infant in her lap looks over to me and asks, "do you mind if I breast feed?" And I respond, "no thanks I already ate." Too harsh of a dad joke?
- This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.
- I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park and said, "Excuse me, but isn't that a bit weird?" "No, why would it be?" she replied.
"Because normal people use bread, not breast milk." - When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
Feeding Chickens Jokes
Here is a list of funny feeding chickens jokes and even better feeding chickens puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call steel chicken feed? Impeccable.
- Chicken and egg. If you feed a chicken an egg, you're basically feeding it its miscarriage.
- I left my chicken feed out in the rain and it turmed into porridge overnight. Could I be accused of gruelty to animals?
- Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken?
A: Egg-splosion - Why does it cost $2 to feed a chicken? Because chickens go gobble buck buck!
Bird Feeding Jokes
Here is a list of funny bird feeding jokes and even better bird feeding puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself... "i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"
- There was a recall on bird food but most places are offering a refund if you return it. It strikes me as odd that they would encourage you to give bad feed back.
- I want to start a bird feeding company. I want to start a bird feeding company.
All I need is some seed money. - What did the man say to the cute woman feeding the birds in the park? Do you crumb here often?
- Why did the man's bird feed startup go under? The seed money fell through.
- "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag", the old woman said to me. So I fed one. Enjoyable experience, I thought.
Her boyfriend didn't agree.
Cheerful Feeding Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about feeding you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean meal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make feeding pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, n**... . . .
. . . except for his boots.
Where your clothes at, Slim?
Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, 'I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.'
So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.' So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, 'You like what you see?' Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, 'Yes, ma'am, I do!'
Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, 'Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!'
So I pulled on my boots and here I am.
George and Mildred
It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone thinks..
Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
h**...'s not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.
Baseball heaven?
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?
Because they weren't getting a square meal.
A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...
They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.
Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.
There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.
"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.
"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.
The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know if a woman is hot for you?
When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.
A man took a woman out for dinner...
but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.
A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the morning on the weekend.
She tells him he won't get breakfast until he does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.
While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of them.
He kicks a chicken, flogs a cow, and a pinches a pig.
When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he flogged the cow.
He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he harassed the pig.
Right then his father comes in trips over the cat and gives it an unmerciful kick up the hole out the door.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Would you like to tell him or should I?"
My dog used to love me feeding him a few unwanted scraps as he hid underneath the table.
Eventually cost me my job at the abortion clinic though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So now they're feeding cow m**... infused grain? That isn't for me...
...those steaks are too high.
My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, "Have you had a nice day?"
I said, "Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I'd just left school."
When I was little I didn't mind my mom feeding me, the only food I refused to allow her to feed me was Alpha-Bits...
I just didn't want anyone putting words in my mouth...
TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight
Whoops, wrong sub.
By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds.
My son asked me where babies come from
"They come out of mommy's belly" I said
He then asked, "Well where do they come out?"
"Through a special hole between her legs" I replied
"Well I think she's having another one, I saw her yesterday feeding it a cucumber"
Feeding your cat and sleeping with men have a lot in common
They only really like you if they still want to cuddle after.
Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously?
By feeding the poor to the hungry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breast feeding
I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.
I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's s**... assault
Johnny's mother called his father at work...
"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"
"Keep feeding him nickles!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.
The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.
A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.
One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.
The next day, the twins' uncle died.
The defendant is accused of feeding a steer dynamite...
A bomb in a bull.
I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...
And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.
Campers
Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond
17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.
I spent all night feeding the homeless
to dogs.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was thinking about feeding a cow with nothing but m**... to see if the meat would taste any better....
But I came to the conclusion that the steaks would be too high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Neo n**... are like cats...
If they like you, you're probably feeding them
Source: last week tonight
What did the pigeon say to the baker who stopped feeding his family bread in the morning?
Coup coup!
A man is arrested for killing a condor
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.
If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.
If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiting another year.
And if they're a chemist, they'll follow the recipe perfectly, but insist on doing everything ten times to avoid random error.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The King and Queen get a Puppy
After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.
Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched the dog, the Queen herself often feeding the blind, half-starved animal with an eye dropper.
One morning, after worrying all night, the King and Queen shed tears of joy when the little animal struggled out of his bed and took his first steps.
The next day's headline:
"Royal w**... Stands Up for First Time; King and Queen Jubilant but Tired"
Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn't do so.
At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.
Kid 1 : My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.
Kid 2 : My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.
Kid 3 : My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.
Kid 4 : My name is Peanuts.
Timothy Treadwell, the "Grizzly Man", died doing what he loved...
... feeding the bears
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Farmer Dave
So I knew this farmer, his name was Dave and he wasn't really bright, but he tried his best.
One day he called me over to his farm and announced proudly that he was feeding his cows m**.... I was skeptical and told him it was a bad idea, but he didn't listen.
The next day he called me, and told me the news. The cows had died.
I said, "Oh no Dave, I'm so sorry to hear that. What are you gonna do now?" He said he was gonna try and sell their hides and meat, "Hey do you want some too?"
I said, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
What did Detective Somerset say to the angry sketch artist?
It's impressive to see a man feeding off his pen motions...
A guy gets a phone call from the hospital
A guy gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your wife was in a terrible car accident and is completely paralyzed. You'll need to take care of her 24/7. Feeding her, helping her use the bathroom, bathing her. You'll probably need to hire help to take care of her. Of course, that may cost too much money, so you'll have to quit your job so you can do it yourself."
Guy says "Oh my god! That's terrible. What's the good news"
Doctor says "I was just joking. She's dead!"
Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.
In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".
The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure if the cats were using those words in the right context.
Is it insensitive...
For a mother to say "here comes the airplane" when feeding her two twins.
Downvoting anything is feeding the troll
I was cooking dinner, and when I pulled the kielbasa out, I held it up and looked at my wife. I said "don't you wish"?
I should really start feeding her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the solution to world hunger?
Stop feeding them! They wont be hungry much longer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows m**... so they would be happier and produce more offspring.
I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.
Why did the French people at the feeding of the 5000 sympathise with Jesus?
Because they shared his pain.
Hollywood is making The Feeding of the 5000 based on Jesus' miracle.
In France it's going to be called The Poisson of the Christ.
Feeding the family
The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My horse keeps getting a**... whenever I try and feed him
Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend with a gambling addiction just bought a cow and has been feeding it nothing but m**....
He said he wanted to raise the steaks higher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...
they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.
♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫
Day 30 self-isolation sale! Lifesize mannequin! Free!
Child-sized mannequins require occasional feeding. They come in several sizes, not responsible for breakage. And if you take the full-sized wife model too, I'll through in one hundred bucks as a special bonus! Hurry before I expire,
I had a nightmare last nigh
I dreamed I was Dolly Parton's baby and she was bottle feeding me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alpo
I told you that feeding your husband all that dog food would finally kill him!
It wasn't the Alpo, he broke his neck trying to lick his b**....
Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?
The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mouths are the new b**....
Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.
Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-s**...!!..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car c**..., my wife has had to do everything for me.
Including wiping my a**..., feeding me and all of the house work.
But still, we just thank god she survived the c**....
A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...
... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.
"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.
"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."
"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"
"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."
"Your snake eats... Bread?"
"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
I went to a petting zoo. When I was feeding the sheep, one began to choke.
So I laid him on his back and adminstered SheePR.
He survived, but he was in pretty ba-aa-aa-ad shape.
Newborn baby's first meal
My newborn son is having trouble with breast feeding. For some reason we can't get him to latch on. The lactation specialist, midwife, nurses and doctors have tried everything to help. We're frustrated the baby is hungry so I'm going to give up and let my wife try.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... joke
I took my baby daughter to get her shots. As the pediatrician asks us about feeding and activities, she drops the question "How's the p**...?"
I replied "I don't know. I haven't tried it."
I am not allowed to go to her doctor's appointments. :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do parents feeding their kids and t**... have in common?
Here comes the airplane!
