Howlingly Hilarious Feed Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American
were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could s**... a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russian,' says the American.
'After all, who else could walk around stark n**..., feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'
What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?
I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.
What bounces and makes little children cry?
My donation check to Feed the Children!
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.
How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
You can explore feed breastfeed reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean feed nutrition dad jokes. There are also feed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Fact
I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar...
...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
Just got a joke after 2 weeks.
Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "f**...,I forgot to feed the dogs .
On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...
Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.
"I must go," said my friend.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...
Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
Quick question...
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby?
The dead baby can feed a family of four.
Why shouldn't you feed m**... to cattle?
Because of the high steaks.
I got fired form the zoo.
Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.
What makes h**... better than Jesus?
Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. h**... made 6,000,000 Jews toast.
Give a communist a fish?
Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day
Give a fish a man and feed it for a month
Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day
Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land
What do you feed a woman to stop her from having s**...?
Wedding cake
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an English degree?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…
Why are you doing that? asked the keeper.
The sign says it's okay, replied the visitor.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'
My mom used to feed me by saying: Here comes the train! I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it
I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
What do you feed a gay horse?
Haaaaaaayyy
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....
Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months
Feed a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Feed a fish a man, and you're no longer welcome at Seaworld.
My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.
Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...
They both
* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement
Once there was a mathematician
Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a p**.... She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"
The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."
A priest has a w**... dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a w**...?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a w**...?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's w**..."
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my w**...?"
All the children stood up.
There was once a man who had 100 kids.
There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. Dad, I'm going to go feed This. Hey dad, I'm taking This for a walk. One day, This went missing. The kids went out to search for him, when they saw him on the side of the road, with skid marks all over his body. Years later, the kids still remembered and missed This.
Moral of the story:
Only 90s kids will remember This.
I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish.
Uno.
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
"Give a poor man a fish and you will feed him for a day
Give a poor man a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life"
Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day,
Teach a man to fish and he'll develop an addiction to buying fishing supplies he'll use once every few months.
I lost my job at the zoo recently.
There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.
Give a man a fish you'll feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and he'll spend thousands of dollars on equipment and go once a year
My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?
Every time I tell a joke.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish,
and you feed him for the rest of his life.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...
"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".
Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".
Little Johnny was talking to a neighbor.
He asked her, "What do you feed your new baby"? The woman replied, "Milk and orange juice". Johnny looked at her b**... then looked up and asked, "which one's the orange juice"?
Food inspection
A food inspection officer went to 3 chicken farms
Farm 1
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 1: I feed them vegetables.
Inspector: WRONG! closed down this farm immediately
Farm 2
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 2: a little scared said i feed them fruits
Inspector: WRONG! closed down this farm immediately
Farm 3
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 3: terrified that his farm will be closed as well said
"i just give all the chickens a dollar and tell them you can eat whatever you want"
What do you feed a hungry robot?
Mega-bites.
Just an average joke by my sister
Why is it customary for a woman to cook for her husband?
By law, you have to feed the prisoner.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
'They must have been English,' declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' said the Frenchman. 'Who else could s**... a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russians,' said the Russian. 'After all, who else could walk stark n**..., feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in Paradise?'
I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…
… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.
A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time
They're wrong, I heat it up first.
Pavlov walks into a bank.
Finding the counter deserted, he rings the little bell these kinds of places tend to have.
When someone finally comes around, they find Pavlov lost in thought and ask him what's wrong, to which he says: "I forgot to feed the dog."
