Feed Jokes
163 feed jokes and hilarious feed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about feed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover funny jokes to share and make your friends laugh! From RSS feeds to bird feed to Feed Phil and Feed Store, find hilarious jokes that everyone can enjoy. Find ways to get your friends engaged and keep the conversation going with jokes about clothing, food, and breastfeeding!
Quick Jump To
- Short Feed Jokes
- Feed One Liners
- Farmers Feed Jokes
- Bird Feed Jokes
- Feed Hungry Jokes
- Feed Store Jokes
- More Feed Jokes
Funniest Feed Short Jokes
Short feed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The feed humour may include short eating jokes also.
- Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year - Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16 - Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
- My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- I lost my job at the zoo recently. There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.
- When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
- Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
- My mom used to feed me by saying: Here comes the train! I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
- My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters. Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
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Feed One Liners
Which feed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with feed? I can suggest the ones about diet and meal.
- Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Give a fish a man and feed it for a month
- What do you feed a hungry robot? Mega-bites.
Just an average joke by my sister - What do you feed a gay horse? Haaaaaaayyy
- How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on? He force feeds himself.
- What bounces and makes little children cry? My donation check to Feed the Children!
- Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe? A little goes a long way
- What do you feed a baby parabola? quadratic formula
- Today I saw an old man feeding the birds. He must have been dead three hours at least.
- What's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog.
- How many black men does it take to feed a family? Just one, if you eat the whole thing.
- Why do gamblers feed their cows edibles? Because they like it when the steaks are high
- What does a therapist feed a cannibal? Piece of mind
- What does Anakin do when Luke doesn't eat his vegetables? He force-feeds him
- What's yellow and feeds on dead beatles? Yoko Ono
- You should always feed your dog well, You don't want a bad yelp review.
Farmers Feed Jokes
Here is a list of funny farmers feed jokes and even better farmers feed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
- *Staring at a barn full of feed* Me: That's alot of feed.
Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.
Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat - How many farmers does it take to grease a combine? ...only two, if you feed them in real slow.
- What do Dutch farmers feed their sheep? Holland oats
- Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk. - Why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed? He wanted to feed his nightmares.
- Why did the n**... feed their farmers dog biscuits? Because they were German Shepherds.
- Why did a farmer feed his cows w**...? He wanted to get them on a high stake.
- A farmer was caught putting Crack-c**... in the feed for his cows. The steaks were pretty high.
- Farmers these days need to feed their cows m**... to create a better tasting steak than their competitors It seems these days the steaks could never be higher.
Bird Feed Jokes
Here is a list of funny bird feed jokes and even better bird feed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself... "i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"
- I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding some birds I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"
- Walking through the park one morning, I saw an old man feeding the birds. After a few minutes of watching him, I began to wonder... ...how long has he been dead?
- There was a recall on bird food but most places are offering a refund if you return it. It strikes me as odd that they would encourage you to give bad feed back.
- I want to start a bird feeding company. I want to start a bird feeding company.
All I need is some seed money. - Just saw an old man in the park feeding the birds Wonder how long he'd been dead
- I walked down the street the other day and saw a man feeding the birds Wonder how long he's been dead
- What did the man say to the cute woman feeding the birds in the park? Do you crumb here often?
- Why did the man's bird feed startup go under? The seed money fell through.
- "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag", the old woman said to me. So I fed one. Enjoyable experience, I thought.
Her boyfriend didn't agree.
Feed Hungry Jokes
Here is a list of funny feed hungry jokes and even better feed hungry puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Feed a man a fish, he will be hungry in a day Feed a man to a fish, he will never be hungry again.
- I want to help feed the hungry But I have too much on my plate right now.
- How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously? By feeding the poor to the hungry.
- What did the hungry unborn babies say? Feed us! Feed us!
- What's the solution to world hunger? Stop feeding them! They wont be hungry much longer.
- I went to the abortion clinic the other day and i was pretty hungry So I asked the doctor to "feed us"
- Why are people in the Philippines always hungry? Because no matter how much you feed them, you can't fill a pino
- If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it?
Jawbreakers. - How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"
Feed Store Jokes
Here is a list of funny feed store jokes and even better feed store puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Joss Whedon should open his own version of a Tractor Supply store, with gardening and animal supplies ... ... he could call it Whedon Feed 'n w**...-n-feed
Howlingly Hilarious Feed Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about feed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nutrition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make feed pranks.
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of 4.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American
were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could s**... a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russian,' says the American.
'After all, who else could walk around stark n**..., feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'
How cats and dogs think
Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God.
Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.
What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?
I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
Latvian joke.
I tell Latvian joke:
Latvian man very hungry.
He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.
Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!
He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, s**... whole thing.
Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "
End from joke.
After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.
How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Pavlov goes on a trip...
But when someone rings a bell he realizes he forgot to feed the dog.
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Fact
I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
What did the elephant say to the n**... man?
How do you feed your self with that?
Just got a joke after 2 weeks.
Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "f**...,I forgot to feed the dogs .
On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...
Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day
Teach him to fish and you get rid of him during weekends.
"I must go," said my friend.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
Pavlov was drinking in a bar
and chatting with some fellow scientists. The time flew by, and before he knew it the barman loudly rang the bell signalling last orders.
Pavlov clapped a hand to his forehead, 'Oh c**...!' he cried. 'I forgot to feed the dog!'
If someone feeds you alphabet soup...
Is that putting words in your mouth? Also, if they are about to feed you and pull back, is that taking the words out of your mouth?
What's the difference between a liberal arts major and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family.
I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.
If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...
Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife.
They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.
What do you feed a feminist at a cookout?
Trick question. Nobody invites feminists to a cookout.
Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.
The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.
Quick question...
How much of this "No More tear" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby?
The dead baby can feed a family of four.
If your job ever feels pointless...
just remember somebody is the fact checker for Buzz Feed.
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.
My name is Zane, and my girl told me goodbye today.. All I did was ask her to feed the cat
She said, "I'll feed her, Zane."
Why shouldn't you feed m**... to cattle?
Because of the high steaks.
I got fired form the zoo.
Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.
What makes h**... better than Jesus?
Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. h**... made 6,000,000 Jews toast.
An Old Man and His Lake
An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."
Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using h**... as a feed source for cattle.
The steaks have never been higher.
Give a communist a fish?
Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
Two elephants meet a totally n**... guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other, I really don't get how he could feed himself with that thing.
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
A man is arrested for killing a condor
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.
Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day
Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land
What do you feed a woman to stop her from having s**...?
Wedding cake
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an English degree?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I couldn't figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.
Turns out it's just the Al gore rhythm
I feed my cat vegan food.
Now some of you may say "but they are predators they need meat." You're right, that's why I feed my cat only the finest vegans.
Two elephants see a n**... man
Elephant: How is he still alive? I mean, can he even feed himself with THAT?
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…
Why are you doing that? asked the keeper.
The sign says it's okay, replied the visitor.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'
What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...
"Just use the fork!" she said. "You're not a Jedi!"
Three boys are fighting at the zoo
The zookeeper separates them and says: "Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."
The first boy says: "My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."
The second boy says: "My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."
The third boy says: "My name is Peanuts."
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....
Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months
Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day
Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty
Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet
Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?
Feed a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Feed a fish a man, and you're no longer welcome at Seaworld.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
What is the difference between a pizza and a violinist?
The pizza can actually feed a family of four.
Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...
They both
* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement
Once there was a mathematician
Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a p**.... She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"
The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."
A priest has a w**... dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a w**...?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a w**...?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's w**..."
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my w**...?"
All the children stood up.
Mom tells her kid to make his bed...
Kid: "Why should I make my bed when it's going to get messed up again?"
Mom: "Why should I feed you when you're going to die anyway?"
There was once a man who had 100 kids.
There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. Dad, I'm going to go feed This. Hey dad, I'm taking This for a walk. One day, This went missing. The kids went out to search for him, when they saw him on the side of the road, with skid marks all over his body. Years later, the kids still remembered and missed This.
Moral of the story:
Only 90s kids will remember This.
My GF is really starting to remind me of my dog...
We cuddle, I take her out every now and then, we walk together, I feed her...
And in exchange, we have s**...!
