Feed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it

I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

Pavlov is sitting at a bar...

...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

My mom used to feed me by saying: Here comes the train! I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

Quick question...

How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"


Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day

Give a fish a man and feed it for a month

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

What do you feed a gay horse?

Haaaaaaayyy

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…

Why are you doing that? asked the keeper.
The sign says it's okay, replied the visitor.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'

I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

"I must go," said my friend.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."

I said, "That's no way to raise a child."

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....

Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months

What do you feed a gay horse?

Hayyyy!!!

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all the women stood up

"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's weiner"

Half of the women stood up

"For god's sake has someone seen my weiner?"

All the children stood up.

Why shouldn't you feed marijuana to cattle?

Because of the high steaks.

What bounces and makes little children cry?

My donation check to Feed the Children!

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.

Then I remember they just feed off attention.

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

What do you feed a woman to stop her from having sex?

Wedding cake

Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...

Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American

were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'

'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could seduce a woman so easily?'

'I think they were Russian,' says the American.

'After all, who else could walk around stark naked, feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby?

The dead baby can feed a family of four.

What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an English degree?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

Feed a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.

Feed a fish a man, and you're no longer welcome at Seaworld.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.

Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.

* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.

* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.

* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?


* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

Just got a joke after 2 weeks.

Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "Fuck,I forgot to feed the dogs .

Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

Give a communist a fish?

Feed them for a day

Teach a communist to fish

Now government has more fish

Once there was a mathematician

Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a prostitute. She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"

The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."

Defense supercomputer

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."

The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

Have you done your chores yet?

A young farm boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished, he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and milks the cow. When he's done, he kicks her too. Then the boy gets the feed and slops the pigs. And again, when he's done, he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

So a biologist, engineer and physicist are called to help make a dairy farm more efficient...

The biologist tells the farmer that he should feed the cows certain hormones to make it lactate more. The farmer asked how much it'll cost and the biologist says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The engineer proposes to make a better milking machine to get more milk per cow. The farmer asks how much it'll cost and the engineer says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The farmer then asks the physicist how much his idea will cost. The physicist say "It'll cost nothing and can be implemented immediately!" The farmer was astonished and ask how this is possible. The physicist responds, "Now assume a spherical cow....."

Old Arabic joke going to translate the best I can

Their was a goat farmer named Kassim and his wife and one day the wife went to feed the goats. Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother Khalid came from another town. His brother Khalid was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral said "Kassim look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife you and her must be beloved in the area." In tears Kassim says " they are not here for the funeral they are here hoping to buy the goat".

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?

I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.

Fact

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

Pavlov goes on a trip...

But when someone rings a bell he realizes he forgot to feed the dog.

What's the difference between cats and dogs?

A dog thinks:

These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.

A cat thinks:

These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.

Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.

"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.

"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."

"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."

After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:

"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"

The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:

"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"

"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"

A poor mexican went to a hill to pray for a way to feed his family

As he was praying a black guy was walking nearby with groceries when he dropped his cheese wheel and it rolled to the Mexican. The Mexican grabbed it, praised god, and ran home.

When he gets home he instructs his wife to make nachos with the cheese.

"Why nachos" asks his wife "we can make so many better meals with this cheese"

"No" said the Mexican "god instructs me to make nachos."

"What do you mean" asked the wife

"As I was praying God sent me the cheese wheel and as I was running home with it I heard him yelling That's Nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!"

What do you feed a gay horse?

HHHAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

What are the funniest feed jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Feed? Well, here are the best Feed puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Feed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes