Fed Jokes

What are some Fed jokes?

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.















































My lighthouse, my rules.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.

Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

What is a Cannibal?

Someone who is fed up with people.

I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.

Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex...

I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law.

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

(Original) What do Jesus Christ and Communism have in common?

They both fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.

I can't stand everyone ridiculing me for being a cannibal...

I just get so fed up with people.

In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes.

And he's getting fed up with it.

Jesus fed a 100 people bread

Hitler made 6 million jews toast

What did the tailor say to the fed up customer?

Suit yourself.

The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands

A Polish joke

A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb Polack by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:

"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."

The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb Polack!".

Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"

The counterman says "This is a hardware store."

So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.

"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.

"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

I fed my chickens a chicken wing...

I guess you could say they enjoyed themselves. *ba dum tss*

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

Career Change

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skill-ful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

A Rabbi on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.

Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.

As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.

Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'

God replied, 'Who can he tell?'

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

A bus conductor pushes a guy out of the bus...

... for not having the money to pay for the ride. The guy dies and the passengers angrily take the conductor to court.
The trial finds him guilty. He is sentenced to death by the electric chair.
Soon he is bounded on the electric chair and the power is fed to the chair. But nothing happens and the man does not die.
The next evening, a lady falls out of a moving bus, the conductor of that bus tries to save her but he couldn't get hold of her and she dies. In light of the previous event, the passengers accuse him of pushing the lady out of the bus for not paying and takes him to court. He is found guilty and gets sentenced to death by the electric chair. But this time, he, being a good conductor, dies.

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.

When he got there, he said, "Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

His boss said, "That's great, but where were you yesterday?"

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the next bull.

The sign indicates the bull mated 52 times last year. The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a week. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the next bull.

This time the sign says the bull mated 365 times last year. The wife says, "Honey, that's at once a day! Now you really should take a lesson from him."

The husband get fed up and replies, "And you think that bull mated with the same cow each of those times?"

Why did the cannibal leave the party early?

He was fed up with people.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets too tired and drowns

The blonde, now all alone with no rescue in sight decides to also attempt to swim for it.

she gets 50 miles in, gets tired, decides that she would rather wait for rescue and swims 50 miles back onto the island

A special gift

Bill is sitting at home on his computer when his wife Cindy comes downstairs. She starts telling him about her day and after awhile she realizes he is not listening at all. Fed up with all his inattentiveness she tells him, "when I wake up tomorrow I expect to see something sitting in the driveway that goes from zero to two hundred in less than five seconds."
The next morning Cindy wakes up and looks outside to find a scale sitting in front of the garage.
Funeral services will be held this afternoon.

A girl quit her job at the doughnut factory...

She was fed up with the hole business.

A man comes home from work...

..., sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'
The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

An Englishman and a Scotsman find a shiny lamp. After giving it a rub, a genie pops out...

"For freeing me, you shall each have one wish!" says the Genie. "What is it you want the most?"

"Well," says the Englishman, "I'm fed up with all these Scots coming down into England. I wish for a giant wall to be built around England, so that no Scots can ever get in again."

"You wish is my command," says the genie. "It is done.

"What is it that you want, Scotsman?"

After a pause, the Scotsman says, "Tell me about this wall."

"It's a thousand feet high," says the genie, "And three hundred feet across. It covers every inch of England's border. It is made of the strongest concrete, and is unbreakable."

"Good," says the Scotsman. "Fill it with water."

I love vegans

The meat is better because its grass fed, locally sourced and free of harmful chemicals

A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

I used to sit on my uncle's lap and wiggle around and he'd buy me beer...

So one day, my dad got fed up and said... "Son, you're 35, you're old enough to buy your own beer!"

*first post! no longer a lurker

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

A white nationalist walks into a bar.

He sits sullenly at the bar amidst a sea of minorities and sighs heavily. The bartender comes around and asks what he can get for him.

The white nationalist replies: "Can I get a country where I can live among people from my own ancestry? It is like this nation isn't even mine anymore. We have people coming in from God knows where to do God knows what. I am not a racist, I am just fed up with all of these different people coming in with their own customs. Why don't they stay in their country?"

Before the bartender could reply, a Native American patron spoke up: "Please cancel that whiskey. I will have what he is having!"

I left my job as a door to door salesman

I got fed up dealing with knobs

Jesus fed 6 people with 4 loafs of bread and 2 fish.

However adolf hitler made 6 Million jews toast

On a bench, in the park, two lovers

are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all. I've never felt safer.

I have a Chinese friend named Cheng.

At an official function, we were having snacks.

I asked him, "Cheng, do you ever get fed up of people saying that all Chinese look the same?"

He replied, "Cheng has gone to the washroom. I am his wife!

Jesus Christ may have fed 2000 people with bread and wine...

But Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"

 

A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.

 

Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....

 

Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.

 

Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.

Why did the man shut his donut shop?

Why did the man close his donut shop?
...because he was fed up with the hole business!

Miracle?

They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

What did the farmer say after he fed his cows pot?

"the Steaks are high."

Why are Jedi kids so fat?

Because they were force fed.

Laugh Hard. Live Happy.

So a guy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom and he goes to get flowers and there's this ridiculously long line, but he waits and gets the flowers. Then he goes to get the limo and there's another long line he has to wait in and he hates it. So he picks up his date and when they get there there's another line they have to wait in to get in, he's fed up with waiting now. Finally, they get inside and his date says she's thirsty. He goes to get her something to drink and luckily, there's no punch line.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Force a man a fish down his throat and he'll be fed for the rest of his life.

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.

I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

I like Fed Ex drivers because...

They are drug dealers and they don't even know it.

My neighbours are very loud when they have sex.

And that's bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.

What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?

A Fed Ex

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

canΒ·niΒ·bal ˈkanΙ™b(Ι™)l/ noun

Someone that is fed up with people

Did you hear about the guy that quit his job at a quilt filling factory?

He said he was fed up of feeling down...

The Tribs

There is a land where Jewish people known as the Tribs live.

Now, there is a giant that lives in a big castle over the hill next to the Trib city, and any time the giant sees a Trib, he kicks it and sends the Trib flying across the land.

The Tribs got fed up with this, so they went to their Rabbi and told him to journey to the giant's castle to get him to stop kicking Tribs.

So the Rabbi journeys to the giants castle, musters up some courage, and knocks on the door.

A few seconds later, the giant answers, and as soon as he does, the Rabbi starts cowering in fear, but the giant just stares at him.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Well? Aren't you going to kick me?"

To this the giant replies, "Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Tribs."

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.

Jesus may have fed fishes and loaves to 5000 people....

But hitler made 6 million jews toast.

Call Captain Planet

The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste.

Finally, a townsperson says, "We need Captain Planet!"

A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, "Did someone summon me?

The townspeople rejoice, and cheer for their new savior.

The superhero gathers everyone together and puts together a basic strategy to fight the pollution.

Then he says, "Have fun, I'm outta here."

The townspeople are confused and ask him, "Well wait, when do you start doing all this?"

He replies, "Me? I don't do anything. You called for Captain Plan-it"

My girlfriend keeps joking she's addicted to chocolate.

She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, Now that, see that? Why can't you be that skinny?

Why was Hitler better than Jesus (offensive)? Belated Hitler birthday joke!

Jesus may have fed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread and fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

A blond is fed up with her life

A blond woman is fed up with life, so she goes out into the woods and hangs herself. A man walks through the woods, and sees the woman hanging from her waste on a rope tied to a tree.

"What are you doing?" - He asks.

"Hanging myself," she replies.

"Shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" he asks.

She replies, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

Colorado keeps advertising their legalised weed through the media...

I'm fed up of seeing all that propaganja.

A cannibal comes home from work...

after a long day and his wife asks him how his day was.

The cannibal sighs and replies "I'm just fed up with people!"

You know as long as you keep babies well fed they're usually pretty good...

But I like mine with a little BBQ sauce.

My son fed half of the petting zoo.

That was the best way to dispose of the body.

a baby was fed on elephant's milk

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

My mum fed me yeast and put me in the oven.

Just how I was raised.

I used to work at the donut factory but I quit

I was fed up with the hole business

A Response To The Stupid "What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke" Reposted Every Second Day

Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that.

I asked my doctor why he fed me nothing but pancakes during quarantiane

"It's all we're able to slip under the door" he said.

This man has a pain in his eye every morning...

He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man replies that he's been eating healthy. The doctor asks him about his routine, so he gives the man some props to recreate it. So the man proceeds to wash his face, brew his coffee, mix it with a spoon, and drink it.
The doctor sighs and asks, Have you ever taken out the spoon before you drink your coffee?

How to make Fed jokes?

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