fed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fed puns

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.


My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.


Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast


How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.


My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.


Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.


I'm American, and I'm fed up of people saying that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."


Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.



Mickey Mouse was fed up and wanted a divorce from Minnie. He went to the courthouse to get it official, but the judge wasn't going to let it happen. He said, "Mickey, I can't let your divorce your wife because you think she's crazy." Mickey yelled back,"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."


"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."


My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.

I find them very interesting, I said.

Well, who gives a flying fuck? She said angrily.

Dragonflies, I replied.


So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school


Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film


Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie

Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn't exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid


(Everyone looks at the dad)

Mom: Well, he's your son



Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast


Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.


What is a Cannibal?

Someone who is fed up with people.


I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.

Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.


Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.


I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex...

I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law.


My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.


(Original) What do Jesus Christ and Communism have in common?

They both fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.


I can't stand everyone ridiculing me for being a cannibal...

I just get so fed up with people.


In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes.

And he's getting fed up with it.


Late one night, Han and Leia are hanging out getting a bit drunk....

when Leia starts bitching about never being able to understand Chewy. Han, fed up with Leia's attitude replied.....

"look princess, there's nothing I can do about it, that's just the way the wookie mumbles"


Jesus fed a 100 people bread

Hitler made 6 million jews toast


What did the tailor say to the fed up customer?

Suit yourself.


The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands


A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom...

A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom.. The teacher says okay and he goes the the bathroom takes a crap but realizes there is no toilet paper. He is forced to wipe with his hand and goes back to class with his hand close.
The teacher tells him to open his hand and he responds, "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away"
The teacher fed up sends him to the nurse who tells him to open his hand. He says "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away"
The nurse calls his mom to pick him and where she yells at him to open his hand he responds again "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away"
She tells him to go to see his father downstairs.His dad says " open your hand" he starts to repeat again that he has a leprechaun in his hand but the father takes his hand and opens it and sees his hand covered in poop.
He says, "see dad you scared the shit out of it"


How to spice things up

A man and his wife are having a lot of trouble when it comes to being creative in bed. The wife begins to become fed up with the same old boring routine sex so the husband decides to do his research. The next night, the husband is feeling good about himself and tells his wife that he has something big in store for her. They start doing it but after a few minutes the man all of a sudden pauses... and then resumes, and then pauses again.... So the wife asks him what the hell he is doing? The man says "It is called 'Buffering', and everyone seems to be doing it online!"


A man comes home from work...

and sits down in his most comfortable chair, kicks back, turns on the tv and yells to his wife. "Quick, grab me a beer before it starts!". The wife comes over and sets a beer down and walks away when a minute later he yells again, "Quick, grab another beer before it starts!" The wife hesitates but brings a beer over. He slams the beer and says, "Quick, grab me another before it starts!". The wife, fed up with this bursts out, " I'm sick of this! You come home and sit your ass down and start ordering me around...". When the man interrupts, "Damn. It started."


Jesus fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6 million Jews toast


A Polish joke

A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb Polack by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:

"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."

The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb Polack!".

Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"

The counterman says "This is a hardware store."


So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!


The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.

"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.

"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"


I fed my chickens a chicken wing...

I guess you could say they enjoyed themselves. *ba dum tss*


What are the most funny Fed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fed? Well, here are the best Fed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Fed pick up lines to share with friends.

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