Gather Around for Heartwarming February Jokes and Uplifting Humor
You may have heard of No Nut November
But after I came twice in April what I'm really hoping for is a No Fetus February
Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.
What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?
December, January, and February.
Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...
Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:
"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
COUNTING CONDOMS
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the c**... display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one c**...?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Corny jokes!
Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired.
Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?
A: It becomes daytrogen.
Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?
A: In the Ark Hives!
Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.
Q: What is it called when you kill a friend?
A: Homiecide
"Fish tanks are s**...!"
"Why?"
"Fish don't even have any militaries!"
On my first day at school, me and my twin sister were put in the same English class.
The teacher then asked everyone to give one interesting fact about themselves.
'I'm actually a twin, and me and Jem were born on the 23rd of February making us Pisces.' I said.
'Jem and I' responded the teacher.
'No, definitely Pisces' I said.
girl answer when boy ask about valentines
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
❤ ALENTINES AY ❤
For all those that won't be getting the V or D on February 14th.
You can explore february april reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean february dec dad jokes. There are also february puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Which is the month in which women talk the least?
February... because it has the least number of days
How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
My son is a man trapped in a woman's body
he'll be born in February
Will February March?
No, but April May :')
Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.
And yes, I know it's bad.
I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events
Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.
Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Yes February 14th.
February 10th should be National f**... Day.
Because it's 2/10.
Why do women talk less in february?
Cause there's only 28 days
Birthday
The Judge asks the defendant, When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?
-
February 20th, Your Honor.
-
And what year?
-
Every year, Your Honor"
women talk
A: Dude, Do you know why women talk less in February?
B: Nope, why?
A: Cause it has only 29 days.
I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .
We can call it... 2's day
Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?
Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?
Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!
Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?
Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...
I have a date for Valentines
February the 14th
February is ending today, but that's okay.
We'll March on.
my friend bought tickets for the super bowl Llll on February 3rd 2019 in Atlanta not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. so if someone is interested
The church is in Rochester, the womens name is Clarissa
Do you know why February is black history month?
Because It's the shortest month of the year, and it's too cold to have a parade.
Court Hearing in Helsinki
The judge questions the culprit:
"Where have you been in the night of the 4th November to 11th February?"
A special day in February
I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.
"President's Day."
"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.
Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get another year of b**...."
For those without a date for Valentines Day...
I have one for you!
It's February 14th.
You're welcome! Enjoy it!
The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ...
They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.
What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?
There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had s**... with someone that wasn't her
I said- "Back in 02."
It sounds much better than "February"
2020 has a new calendar out
January
February
Lockdown
December
My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.
I guess that makes her My b**... Valentine.
Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year
Hers is in February and mine in July
Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.
January — ABCD...
February — EFG...
March — HIJK...
April to December — ELEMENOP.
Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.
Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.
Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.
Which month do wives complain the least?
February because it has fewer days.
Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?
I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....
February 30, 2021
What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd?
His chateau
"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"
I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."
Growing Up
My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.
"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
Can February march?
I'm not sure, but April may.
My dad hasn't spoken to me since February
Sure, death could explain it, but I always thought if you really loved someone, you'd find a way.
I was on a date with a woman.
"When's your birthday?" I asked.
'13th of March."
"When's your mother's birthday?" I asked.
"24th of December."
"When's your father's birthday?" I asked.
"1st of October."
"Excellent," I replied. "So, when do you have s**... with someone for the first time?"
"Usually after four dates," she said.
"Ok, when's Valentine's Day?" I asked.
"Um...14th of February."
I said, "Perfect. Back to your place or mine?"
Today is Wednesday, 2nd February 2022 (2/2/22).
For some reason, I kept thinking it was Tuesday.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
It's February 14th.
If January threw a parade
Would February March?
No, but April May
I have a date for Valentine's Day!
February 14th
What do you call February 22nd, 2022.
Twos-day.
Who was the funniest pope in history?
**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.
Glass half full
Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.
Did you know the original Gregorian calendar had different months?
January = Greg
February = Ian
March = Greg
April = Ian
May = Ian
June = Greg
July = Ian
August = Greg
September = Greg
October = Ian
November = Greg
December = Ian
How many seconds in a year?
12.
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd….
Can February March?
No, but April May.
I'll see myself out.
How many Seconds are in a year?
12!
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Why should you eat pork sausage on February 2nd?
Because it is ground hog day.
Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.
Because it only has 28 days.
I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.
Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
