fears Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fears puns

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

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A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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I have a phobia of the square root of 2

It's just one of my irrational fears

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So a man dies and goes to hell...

... And while he's sitting there, shaking and crying, the devil walks up to him and says "you there, why are you being such a baby?!"

The man responds, "I'm in hell, Satan! I'm in the worst place imaginable, the home of my deepest and darkest fears!"

The devil puts a scaly arm around him and says to the still shivering man. "Aww, Hell ain't so bad! Here, let me give you the weekly schedule. Do you like poker?"

The man wipes his nose and nods. "yeah, I had a bit of a gambling addiction when I was living."

Satan grins. "well on Mondays, we play poker. Any type, all day. And the deals on chips are absolutely fantastic! I personally guarantee that you won't run out of money."

The man stops shaking. "Well, that's not so bad, what do you do on Tuesdays?"

"Well on Tuesdays, we have all sorts of prostitutes come in. Blondes, redheads, thick, petite, you name it! I swear to you that on Tuesdays, you will be drowned in sex."

The man smiles. "That's excellent! Hell sounds like a great place to be!"

The devil leans in close. "Are you a little gay?" The man shakes his head no.

"Oh god, you're gonna hate Wednesdays."


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A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.

Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

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A prison story.

A terrified man was sentenced to prison and placed in a cell with a rather large inmate. The man's fears became realized as his cellmate wandered over to him in the evening with a longing look in his eyes.
"Hey there, let's play house" said the cellmate.
"Uh... Ok, how do I play?"
"Well, first you have to choose. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"
Trying to make the best of a bad situation, the man said "Uhh... I'll be the daddy, I guess."
"Sounds good, Daddy. Now get over here and suck Mommy's dick!.

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An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

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Funny Blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.

Is that so! How?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.

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The Psychic

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.

In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.

The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply has to know.

She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"

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Yet another blonde joke....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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You're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Nasty rabbit

A rabbit is running through the woods happily screaming "I fucked the wolf's wife! I fucked her!"
Al the animals in the forest warn the rabbit "Be careful, the wolf will find out and kill you. Shut your rabbit mouth!"
The rabbit continues boasting about his accomplishment until eventually the wolf finds out. The wolf rules the forest and everyone fears him. He finally spots the rabbit and starts to chase him.
Now the rabbit is quick and small so he runs in between trees and fools the wolf a lot. Finally he jumps in between two trees which are close together. The wolf follows but because he's so big he gets stuck.
The rabbit stops, looks at the wolf and says
"Shit, no animal will believe me when I tell them this."

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A young blonde woman is distraught...

because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Shut up...you're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...

...I guess Canada fears change

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Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.

Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."
The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to doΒ the one across the street next."

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My first blonde one..

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

Doc, he said, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!

Just put yourself in my hands for two years, said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

How much do you charge?

A hundred dollars per visit.

I'll sleep on it, said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. Why didn't you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist.

For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.

Is that so! How?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

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Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

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A classic blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!ya

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Suicidal Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages...

...last forever.

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An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist fears that this is true.

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Help needed.

Well our worst fears have been confirmed today. My wife is allergic to our pet collie. Now I know this isn't a re-homing site and some of you may take umbrage with this not being a interesting political post, but could someone please find a little place in their heart to help me out. She is reasonably house trained and can be very loving at times.

Her name is Maxine and she is 44.

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The Fearsome Pirate

The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."

The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."

The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."

The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.

The captain whispers to him:

"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."

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There's a new grillhouse in new York that's opening up a restaurant at the top of a skyscraper, though there are fears it could be unsuccessful

The steaks will be higher than ever!

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What's the most fearsome hot sauce, for vampires?

Buffy-lo sauce.

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Why were Huma Abedin's darkest fears about seduction by Bill Clinton unfounded?

Because ultimately it was Hillary who ended up showing her the Huma door.

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Which animal that death fears of?

Dog. Because dogs like bones.

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One of my biggest fears is to have my ankles cut

It just sounds like it'd hurt no matter how you slice it

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What's more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?

The guy he got it from.

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What's the best song to poop to?

"Shout" by
Tears for fears.

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What are the best Fears puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fears? Well, here are the best Fears dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Fears pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes