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Fear Jokes

165 fear jokes and hilarious fear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh in the face of fear with this collection of jokes about different irrational fears. From exam fear to fear of heights and fear of the bad, these jokes are sure to put a humorous spin on your biggest fears and help you cope with the feeling of being afraid.

Funniest Fear Short Jokes

Short fear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fear humour may include short afraid jokes also.

  1. The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from... ....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
  2. My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
    She laughed, I laughed, the amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
  3. Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.
  4. I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear." "The fear of flying?", I asked.
    "No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
  5. I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
  6. My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father. But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.
  7. The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ... ... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.
  8. The only thing round earthers have to fear... ...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.
  9. If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia... why am I still afraid of failure?
  10. I've developed an irrational fear of escalators. I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

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Fear One Liners

Which fear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fear? I can suggest the ones about fright and scare.

  1. The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear..... Is Sphere Itself.
  2. I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear
  3. Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst
  4. The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
  5. I have a fear of speed bumps But I am slowly getting over it
  6. The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear... is sphere itself.
  7. I'm terrified of elevators. So I'm taking steps to mitigate my fears.
  8. I have a fear of over-designed buildings. I have a complex complex complex.
  9. I have a fear of elevators... ...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.
  10. I have a fear of negative numbers... I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  11. I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giant Feefiphobia…
  12. I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants. Fee-fi-phobia.
  13. What is the fear of giants called? Feefiphobia
  14. I have a phobia of German sausage Yes, I fear the wurst
  15. How do you get over the fear of elevators? Just take some steps to avoid them.

Biggest Fear Jokes

Here is a list of funny biggest fear jokes and even better biggest fear puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a fat ghost's biggest fear? Being excercised
  • The biggest fear of flat-Earthers... ...is sphere itself
  • My biggest fear is dying alone. That's why I drive a school bus.
  • My biggest fear used to be dying alone but thanks to Trump, I know it'll be in a camp, surrounded by other minorities.
  • What are the two biggest fears of Russian military? That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.
  • What's a Paralympian's biggest fear? Testing positive for WD-40.
  • What is a cannibal comedian's biggest fear? A tough crowd.
  • A man talks to a pilot The man asks "what made you become a pilot?"
    The pilot responds with "I had to defy my biggest fear"
    "Heights?" The man says.
    "No, dying alone," says the pilot.
  • Why Did You Become A Bus Driver? Why did you become a bus driver?
    To overcome my biggest fear.
    Driving?
    Dying alone.
  • What's a crips biggest fear? A blood test.

Irrational Fear Jokes

Here is a list of funny irrational fear jokes and even better irrational fear puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings. He had a complex complex complex.
  • I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings. You could say I have a complex complex complex.
  • Why is 6 afraid of pi? Most say it's an irrational fear
  • My wife has an irrational fear of live music It's very disconcerting.
  • I have a phobia of the square root of 2 It's just one of my irrational fears
  • My friend asked me.."Are you scared of the Pi variant?" I said "Look , your fear is irrational"
  • I have developed an irrational fear of elevators Thankfully, I can take steps to avoid them.
  • I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers. It's really irrational.
  • A friend has a fear of pi. I keep telling him it's irrational, but he doesn't listen.
  • What's another name for an irrational fear of clowns? Common sense.
Fear joke, What's another name for an irrational fear of clowns?

Fear Of Flying Jokes

Here is a list of funny fear of flying jokes and even better fear of flying puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It took 50 years before an attractive young woman asked me if I'd like dinner and a movie. I'm glad my wife finally convinced me to face my fear of flying.
  • Why do people fear flying with United Airlines? Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.
  • There is no such thing as a fear of flying... But a fear of falling on the other hand....

Fear Of Bad Jokes

Here is a list of funny fear of bad jokes and even better fear of bad puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I used to have such a bad fear of boats Luckily, that ship has sailed.
  • Oh man this is bad I threw a boomerang a couple years back...I now live in constant fear
  • Fear the Walking Dead Is so bad they show the episodes 45 seconds at a time.
  • If you fear bad neighborhoods... You need to ghetto-ver it.
  • Bad Luck Lincoln: Comes back from the dead, faces his fear by seeing a concert In Paris
Fear joke, Bad Luck Lincoln: Comes back from the dead, faces his fear by seeing a concert

Delightful Fun Fear Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about fear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phobia jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fear pranks.

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

What is a male pirates biggest fear?

A sunken chest with no b**....

I've always wanted to be a comedian...

But I have a tremendous fear of being laughed at.

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

What comes between fear and s**...?

fünf

Masked man robs a s**... bank...

... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"

Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a s**... bank, we don't have any money here."
I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.
"Now drink this viel!"
"But sir this is s**...!"
"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.
"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.

The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.
"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"

I have a fear of speedbumps

But I'm slowly getting over it.

A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to c**... in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ...

Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Numbers are an abstract human construct and so is fear. This entire joke is meaningless

What do you call the fear of chainsaws?

Common Sense.
I'll show myself out...

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

Why don't German pessimists eat pork....

They always fear the wurst.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Käse scenario.

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no b**....

Once I threw a Boomerang but it didn't come back

Now I live in fear

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.

She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

I got a call from my brother the other day...

I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have s**... with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

BodyBuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was

Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?

Fear of over dos

Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a f**..., more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-j**... Seinfeld

I was talking to a woman. After a while she told me she had never been on a date before.

She said, "I've never even asked a man out."
I said, "Why not?"
"I fear rejection," she replied.
"Well," I winked. "Why don't you ask me out?"
She plucked up the courage and said, "Do you...want...to go on a date?"
I said, "No, thanks. You're not my type."

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear ....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

I like my women how I like my coffee:

Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.

What is a s**... b**... worst fear?

Dying alone!

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

I used to fear hurdles

But I got over it

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

I have a crippling fear of elevators.

I've started taking steps to avoid them.

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no b**....

What is the flat earthers greatest fear?

A well rounded argument.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

A group of professors are on a plane.

A group of professors are on a plane as an experiment. They were told that the plane was made by their students. Naturally everyone panicked, their students were not the brightest people. However there was one professor who did not show any sings of fear. When they asked him why he replied "how can i be worried if the plane won't even take off."

Therapist ask what my greatest fear is

therapist: what's your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long??

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?

A complex complex complex
Credit to some guy named Slow Poke on YouTube

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

I have a fear of fences

I just can't get over it

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having s**... with kids, m**... being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.

Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone b**... the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.
He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.
A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

What's a s**... b**... greatest fear?

Dying alone

Fear joke, What's a s**... b**... greatest fear?

jokes about fear