Fear Jokes
159 fear jokes and hilarious fear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh in the face of fear with this collection of jokes about different irrational fears. From exam fear to fear of heights and fear of the bad, these jokes are sure to put a humorous spin on your biggest fears and help you cope with the feeling of being afraid.
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Funniest Fear Short Jokes
Short fear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fear humour may include short afraid jokes also.
- The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from... ....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
- Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.
- I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear." "The fear of flying?", I asked.
"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone." - I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
- My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father. But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.
- If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia... why am I still afraid of failure?
- I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings. He had a complex complex complex.
- Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'mafia' concrete..... ....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
- My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets. But first I've got to want to help myself.
- I have a strange fear of seeing a certain former vice president outside. I think I have algoreaphobia.
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Fear One Liners
Which fear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fear? I can suggest the ones about fright and scare.
- The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear..... Is Sphere Itself.
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear
- Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst
- I have a fear of speed bumps But I am slowly getting over it
- I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giant… Feefiphobia…
- What is the fear of giants called? Feefiphobia
- I have a phobia of German sausage Yes, I fear the wurst
- How do you get over the fear of elevators? Just take some steps to avoid them.
- What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney? Claus-trophobia.
- Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese? Because for them, it is a Wurst-Käse scenario.
- Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
- What is the fear of chainsaws called? common sense
- What's a fat ghost's biggest fear? Being excercised
- This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear. I'm just fat.
- Why is 6 afraid of pi? Most say it's an irrational fear
Biggest Fear Jokes
Here is a list of funny biggest fear jokes and even better biggest fear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My biggest fear used to be dying alone but thanks to Trump, I know it'll be in a camp, surrounded by other minorities.
- What are the two biggest fears of Russian military? That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.
- What's a Paralympian's biggest fear? Testing positive for WD-40.
- What is a cannibal comedian's biggest fear? A tough crowd.
- Why Did You Become A Bus Driver? Why did you become a bus driver?
To overcome my biggest fear.
Driving?
Dying alone. - What's a crips biggest fear? A blood test.
- One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages... ...last forever.
- My biggest fear is Santa I think I might have Clausophobial
- What is Julian Assange's biggest fear? Having the fire alarm go off.
- What is an insect live streamer's biggest fear A "flyswatter"
Irrational Fear Jokes
Here is a list of funny irrational fear jokes and even better irrational fear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife has an irrational fear of live music It's very disconcerting.
- I have a phobia of the square root of 2 It's just one of my irrational fears
- My friend asked me.."Are you scared of the Pi variant?" I said "Look , your fear is irrational"
- I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers. It's really irrational.
- A friend has a fear of pi. I keep telling him it's irrational, but he doesn't listen.
- What's another name for an irrational fear of clowns? Common sense.
- My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears… I was afraid that she'd ask that
- Why was 7 afraid of π? Let's be real, his fear was irrational.
Just another branch in the 7 ate 9 joke multiverse. - doctor help, I have an irrational fear of Vietnamese soup. "OK, that's a Pho-bia."
- Fear of hospitals Fear of hospitals isn't irrational. I went to 1 once for stomach pain and I had a kid following me ever since calling me mom!
Fear Of Flying Jokes
Here is a list of funny fear of flying jokes and even better fear of flying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It took 50 years before an attractive young woman asked me if I'd like dinner and a movie. I'm glad my wife finally convinced me to face my fear of flying.
- Why do people fear flying with United Airlines? Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.
- There is no such thing as a fear of flying... But a fear of falling on the other hand....
Fear Of Bad Jokes
Here is a list of funny fear of bad jokes and even better fear of bad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I used to have such a bad fear of boats Luckily, that ship has sailed.
- Fear the Walking Dead Is so bad they show the episodes 45 seconds at a time.
- Bad Luck Lincoln: Comes back from the dead, faces his fear by seeing a concert In Paris
Delightful Fun Fear Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about fear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phobia jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fear pranks.
What is a vegans worst fear?
Laryngitis.
I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia...
...I fear the Wurst.
So an oxygen molecule walks into a bar... [biochem joke]
and goes up to the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender hands the Oxygen it's drink he notices the small molecule petrified with fear. He notices this and quickly realizes hemoglobin sitting alone in a corner booth with an obvious attraction to oxygen. The bartender looks and says to Oxygen "Don't worry, he's totally heme-less".
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
I've always wanted to be a comedian...
But I have a tremendous fear of being laughed at.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are a German vegetarians pessimists?
Because they always fear the wurst.
What is the scientific name for the fear of the chainsaws?
Common sense.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...
So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What comes between fear and s**...?
fünf
Why did the psych ward escapee never get married?
He had a fear of commitment
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Masked man robs a s**... bank...
... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"
Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a s**... bank, we don't have any money here."
I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.
"Now drink this viel!"
"But sir this is s**...!"
"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.
"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.
The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.
"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"
I was trying to get over my fear of public speaking at a nudist colony.
I just imagined everyone with their clothes on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
Why is six afraid of seven?
Numbers are an abstract human construct and so is fear. This entire joke is meaningless
Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.
When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."
A body builder takes off his shirt.
A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.
She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
What's a vampire cows worst fear?
Steaks.
In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block
They have a fear of Eights
Guy tells a psychiatrist he has a fear of commitment.
Psychiatrist says, "There's no need to worry. I only do that in extreme cases."
I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled
It's crippling
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR
"Exactly." -everyone with anxiety
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a call from my brother the other day...
I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have s**... with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!
BodyBuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan
Authorities fear it was the work of a s**... plumber
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?
Fear of over dos
I was talking to a woman. After a while she told me she had never been on a date before.
She said, "I've never even asked a man out."
I said, "Why not?"
"I fear rejection," she replied.
"Well," I winked. "Why don't you ask me out?"
She plucked up the courage and said, "Do you...want...to go on a date?"
I said, "No, thanks. You're not my type."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women how I like my coffee:
Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
Fear of the Dark
The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night."
I used to fear hurdles
But I got over it
A man walks into a bar...
because he has a fear of getting over hurdles.
A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.
Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?
Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.
Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.
At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.
Cop: Sir, is your wife alright?
Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87.
Joke is courtesy of my dad.
When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.
Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.
A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
What is the flat earthers greatest fear?
The sfeare
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[OC] A Hispanic man died from fear
I don't think Hispanicing anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.
"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."
The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."
"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake. "I fear you do now."
Instead of using the fear of prison to dissuade criminals, we should start making them eat Tide Pods.
That would be a real crime detergent.
What is the flat earthers greatest fear?
A well rounded argument.
Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?
Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would s**... assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.
Apparently I didn't see the space in between therapist.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces
For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
Therapist ask what my greatest fear is
therapist: what's your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long??
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The only thing round earthers have to fear...
...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.
A guy enters in a bar...
A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "
I'm a germaphobe and my doctor said to face my fear
So I did it, I booked my flight to Germany.
I live in constant fear
I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.
What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?
A complex complex complex
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a fear of spiders and s**...?
e**...-nophobia
I have a fear of fences
I just can't get over it
A friend of mine is afraid of cows
He lives his life in udder fear.
