The Best 69 Fear Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Fear jokes. There are some fear worry jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these fear claustrophobic puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Fear Jokes and Puns

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

My biggest fear is dying alone.

That's why I drive a school bus.

I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings.

He had a complex complex complex.

Fear joke, I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings.

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

What is a male pirates biggest fear?

A sunken chest with no booty.


Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter.

After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.

The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"

"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.

The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Fear joke, A man visits his doctor...

Masked man robs a sperm bank...

... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"

Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money here."

I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.

"Now drink this viel!"

"But sir this is sperm!"

"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.

"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.

The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.

"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"

A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.

You could say I have a complex complex complex.

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

You can explore fear heights reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean fear phobia dad jokes. There are also fear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

Once I threw a Boomerang but it didn't come back

Now I live in fear

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

Fear joke, I have a fear of speed bumps

What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

I got a call from my brother the other day...

I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have sex with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!


I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear ....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

I like my women how I like my coffee:

Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty bullshit I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

How do you get over the fear of elevators?

Just take some steps to avoid them.

What is a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone!

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ...

... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father.

But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.

The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.

I have a fear of elevators...

...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,

Why did you become a pilot?

To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.

Flying? the pilot asks

No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

I have a phobia of German sausage

Yes, I fear the wurst

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

The biggest fear of flat-Earthers...

...is sphere itself

What is the fear of giants called?

Feefiphobia

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

What's a fat ghost's biggest fear?

Being excercised

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

I have a fear of over-designed buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having sex with kids, meth being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.

Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.

A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf's you have! The man then replies, that's two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of his underwear. The blonde runs off screaming in fear. When the man catches up to her he asks, Why did you run away? The blonde replies, I didn't wanna be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I've got to want to help myself.

A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'

That would be straight down, Miss........

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend's pig was sick, but then he got cured.

I hate having a fear of going to sleep...

It gets really tiring.

What do you call the fear of Vietnamese soup noodles?

pho-bia

It's really hot outside but fear not, my car has the deluxe 2fifty AC feature.

2 windows down, driving 50 miles per hour!

Last week I told a therapist that I was trying to overcome my fear of ghosts.

His answer left me scared since then.


"That's the spirit."

A man talks to a pilot

The man asks "what made you become a pilot?"
The pilot responds with "I had to defy my biggest fear"
"Heights?" The man says.
"No, dying alone," says the pilot.

Take-home final exam

Bill always had a problem with school. He suffered from a fear of tests. When a professor hands out tests, it was almost like his brain shut down. He couldn't remember anything.
One of his professors gave the students a take-home test and told them to bring it back the next week for their final grade.
Three days later they found Bill. He was wandering the street, clutching that test. He hadn't answered any of the questions. The moment the prof handed him the test to take home, he forgot where he lived.

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the fear mightier jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working fear horror piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes