Favorite Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

​

Sincerely,

​

The Internet Provider

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

What's the police's favorite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park, and

beat the shit out of hippies.

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

What is Mr. T's favorite month?

April, fools

What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

Purple is my favorite color!

I like it more than blue and red combined.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, Comcast.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.

[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.

Me: :|

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

What's a gay man's favorite planet?

Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.

My new favorite sex position is called "wow".

It's where I turn your mom upside down.

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEE

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

What a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

My daughters favorite joke...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

My favorite sex position is the WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over.

What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Customer,



Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else's pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.

Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!

She says This sub really loves reposts.

What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?

White Vans.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

Your mom so fat..

Her favorite jewellery is the food chain

My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.


"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have a......





....



.....


....



....


....





...beer." the bear says.

"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

:)

What's a Communist's favorite video game?

*Don't Starve*

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

My favorite rapper is 50 cent

Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!'

What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite Egyptian god?

IT'S FUCKING RAAAAAAA!

What is a cannibals favorite restaurant?

Five Guys

Martinis are like tits...

Ones not enough and threes too many

(my grandpa's favorite joke)

Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage!

This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

What does the Fox say?

We're canceling all of your favorite shows.

Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character?

Oscar

im so sorry

Letter to God

Dear God,

Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food?

Rawmen

What's a redneck's favorite dating website?

Ancestry.com

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.

What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

My favorite sex position is the JFK.

It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

What is an english teacher's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

What's a pirate's favorite explosive?

M80

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Haaaand eyeeeeeeeeeee

what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck?

Jose and Jos-B

this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom

What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant?

Little seizures.

See you all in hell.

What's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play?

His whore Monica.

My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

Two wind turbines are talking to each other...

One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"

The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."

What's a vegan's favorite animal?

A high horse

One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

What are the funniest favorite jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Favorite? Well, here are the best Favorite puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Favorite pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes