Booze
Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."
Tequila Mockingbird
cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.
Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)
he's drinking his father's favorite scotch and smoking a fresh cigar while wearing his mother's favorite bedsheets as a toga.
"Are your parents home?" asked the salesman.
to which the boy replied, "Does it fucking look like it?"
7up in cider
7 up n cider
Cherry pop.
See you all in hell!
Orange jews, 100% concentrated
7-Up 'n cider.
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.
Sprite.
Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."
She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"
He says, "Absolutely. But by the way, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"
The local drunk in a small town stumbles into his favorite establishment and orders a drink, already three sheets to the wind he starts shouting and pointing out the door into the town square.
"See that wall? I built that wall! But do they call me 'Smith-the-wall-builder'? No, no they don't!"
The next day he stumbles back in and orders a drink. Soon he is again pointing out into the town square and shouting, "See that mural on that wall? I painted that mural! But do they call me 'Smith-the-mural-painter? No, no they don't."
Now he looks down into his glass, sees that it is empty and orders another. As he stares into the empty glass he mumbles, "but you fuck one goat..."
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let dogs into the bar." to which the guy with the German shepherd replies, "No no, watch this."
He pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks into the bar, acting as if his German Shepherd is a seeing eye dog. He goes up to the counter, asks for a drink and the bartender gets it for him no problem.
So the guy with the Chihuahua pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks in, acting like his Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog. The guy asks for a drink and the bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir there are no dogs allowed in this bar."
"Hey man, it's a seeing eye dog, c'mon."
The bartender looks skeptically down at the Chihuahua and asks, "A Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"
The guy pauses for a second then exclaims, "Wait, they gave me a *Chihuahua?!?*"
Snapple
Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.
Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
A cup of tea made with cold water.
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"
He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea.
Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again.
The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says
"Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."
[This is my dad's favorite joke]
A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him "hey, do you know karate or some other martial art"? He says "why, because I'm Asian"? I said "no, because you're drinking my beer".
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?", the Pom said.
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.
WATAAAAAAAAH!!!!
The first one says, "You know, at this place, when you buy one drink, you get the next one free."
The second one says, "My favorite bar is better. You buy the first drink, and you get the next *two* for free."
"I know that place too, but I know a better bar," says the third friend. "There, you buy the first drink, get the next one free, get another one for free, then they take you upstairs and you have sex for free!"
They look at the guy and ask, "Whoa are you serious?" He says, "Yeah, of course, why would I lie?"
"Did that happen to you?"
"No, but it happens to my sister all the time."
Here's a couple of my favorites:
Ask someone to:
Spell "roast."
Spell "coast."
Spell "most."
Then ask them: What do you put in a toaster?
(The answer, is "bread.")
Another: What does M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D spell? (MacDonald)
What does M-A-C-G-R-E-G-O-R spell? (MacGregor)
What does M-A-C-H-I-N-E-R-Y spell? (machinery, not Mac Hinery)
One more that always worked for me:
Point at a piece of paper and ask "what color is that?"
Answer: "white"
Spell "silk"
Now ask: "what do cows drink?"
They usually answer "milk!"
No, they drink water!
Root beer.
Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink.
One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and lands in a pool of Sunny Delight. The third guy runs, slips and yells "shit".
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful redhead at the end of the bar and figures he'll chat her up.
They get to talking and enjoying each other's company and as the bar starts to close down he realizes he didn't get her name.
"So what's your name?" he asks.
"My name's Carmen, referring to my two favorite things: cars and men" she joked. "What's yours?"
The man smiled, "I'm also named after my favorite things: BJ Titsngolf."
WATAHHH!!!!
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it's about to start.
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. Honey , said John, two minutes later, please get me another one quickly *before it starts*.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING! Hannah exclaimed, DO YOU THINK I'M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I'M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, it started….
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Favorite Drink? Well, here are the best Favorite Drink dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Favorite Drink pick up lines to share with friends.