Fault Jokes

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him?

Sorry, my fault.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"


Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said

"Sorry. My fault"

My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk

not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!

to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...

well whose fault is that?

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn't my fault I was the one facing the tv

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me

It's not my fault they don't have Windowsο»Ώ

All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

Corona isn't Trump's fault, Ebola wasn't Obama's, Sars wasn't Bush's

And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's

A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

I haven't talk to my wife in 2 years

Not my fault, I just wouldn't interrupt her.

What did the earthquake say to all of its victims?

Oh, sorry...my fault.

The baby

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this… Β 

Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault.

This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

It's not my fault I have to read things in braille

What did one earthquake say to the other?

Was that your fault or mine?

What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision?

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...

I've grown a fetish where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.

Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*

A doctor fell into a watering hole.

Its his own fault. He should have attended to the sick and left the well alone.

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.

It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

If a crack forms in your backyard.

Is it your fault?

My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister.

Like it's my fault they're conjoined.

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

I just burned 3,000 calories!!

My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

There are 2 kinds of programmers

Those who understand pointers and
Segmentation fault (core dumped)

I feel bad for Nepal, but tectonically, it's their fault.

Too soon?

What did one tectonic plate say to the other after the earthquake?

That was your fault!!!

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

Why are earthquakes always found guilty?

Because they are at fault

A man runs over a woman in his car. Who's fault is it?

The man's, he shouldn't drive in the kitchen.

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"

But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,


"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"


And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,


"Pardon?"

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"

An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.

A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.

The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"

The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."

What did the ground say to the earthquake?

It's your fault!

It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

What did the Earth say to the Earthquake?

Sorry...that was my fault.

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

I got expelled from school on pajama day.

Its not my fault I sleep naked.

One tension plate bumps into another plate...

"Sorry, that was my fault!"

Hillary is pregnant.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.

She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."

A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...

She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:

"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"

Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:

"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"

A man hits a woman with his car. Who is at fault?

The man, because he should never be driving in the kitchen.

What did one earthquake say to the other?

"I don't know what your blaming me for, it's your fault!"

The Mona Lisa was arrested for loitering today

But it wasn't her fault, she was framed.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well?

It's his own fault. He should have attended to the sick and left the well alone.

Figured out who to blame for the earthquakes.

It's the earth's fault.

How does a woman apologize to a man?

I'm sorry, but it's your fault.

For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.

(Stolen from BJ Novak)

Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert...

Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert. "It's all your fault!" Guy #1 says. "No, it's all your fault!" Guy #2 says. Suddenly, guy #1 finds a genie lamp. The genie appears, and says, "I can grant each of you one wish.". Guy #1 says, "I want 2x what he gets!". "Very well, what is your wish, Guy #2?" The genie asked. Guy #2 grinned, and says, "I want to be beaten half to death!"

Angry wife

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.



Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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