Fathered Child Jokes
137 fathered child jokes and hilarious fathered child puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fathered child that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Fathered Child Short Jokes
Short fathered child jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fathered child humour may include short parent child jokes also.
- A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
- My girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I was in tears Because I know how hard it is to raise a child without a father
- A father goes to pick his daughter up from school There is another mother waiting there
She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"
The father replies with, "No, this is just from beer " - My father was never proud me. When I was child he asked, "How old are you now son?"
"I'm 5."
He replied, "When I was your age I was 6." - It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?" ".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."
- When I was a child, my father would always tell me, "The sky's the limit!" He was never supportive of my dreams to become an astronaut.
- The Smart Kid
A child asks his father:
- Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?
- From your mother, I think. I still have mine. - A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
Share These Fathered Child Jokes With Friends
Fathered Child One Liners
Which fathered child one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fathered child? I can suggest the ones about adopted kid and paternity.
- A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
- What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson
- I was a complex child My mother was real and my father was imaginary.
- My father only hit me once as a child. But he used a Ford Transit.
- What did Father Buffalo say to Child Buffalo as he left for school? Bison.
- Father asks child why they must be quite in Church. "Because of the people sleeping?"
- What are the worst 6 words to hear as a child? Wait until your father gets home.
- What did the African child say when his father left? Uganda.
- Question to a crying child Q: Why did the drunken father go to jail?
A: Beats me - If Odin is the All-Father... ..man, I bet he pays a fortune in child support.
- So my sister is pregnant with her first child. I'm so happy to finally be a father!
- As a child I was so bright as a child my father called me Sun.
- Why did Luke Skywalker never really know his father? Because he was a child of da'force
- Why would the Divorced Father be anti-vax? He just doesn't want to pay the child support.
- What did the red dwarf say to its child? Like father, like sun
(OC I think)
Fun-Filled Fathered Child Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about fathered child you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daughter father jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fathered child pranks.
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom.
He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed.
When the priest tried to have s**... with her, the girl shouted:
"Father, what are you doing?"
The priest replied "Calm down my child.
Holy Bible under you, Holy Father above you and Holy water passing through."
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
A woman once wanted me to father her child no strings attached. In other words, "I like your genes, but I don't like what you've done with them." I agreed but with one condition. She had to put it up for adoption.
A woman goes into labor with her child.
The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
A father wanted to name his kids with 'Ger' in their names. In succession, the first child was name Gerald, the next was named Geraldine. The father then had triplets.
That was Germany.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
Poor Boy
A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out.
A Catholic priest happens to walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, "Whats wrong, my child?"
"My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and I have no way of getting home!"
The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says "This really isn't your day is it, my son?"
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
A recently divorced couple were in court
battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"
Kid runs away from home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
A child and Human Origin
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A child asks his father:
Why is grandpa running daddy?
Shut up son, and give me another shell.
Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]
A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
A salesman knocks on the door and a small child answers
The salses man asks, "Is your father home"?
"No, he was ran over by a tractor".
"I'm sorry to hear that, is your mother home"?
"No, she was ran over by a tractor".
"Do you have any big brother or sister at home"?
"No, they were ran over by a tractor"
"So what are you doing here all alone"?
"I'm driving a tractor"
In the old Russia, bevore USSR a small child comes home from the last day of school
and holding his grade sheet yells to his revolutionary father "Father! You know how you always say how bad our schooling system is? Now I have proof of it!"
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
Man like Mum !!
A child asked his father: "What is a man?"
The father replies, "A person who takes responsibility for his family and his house and takes care of them."
Then the child said, "I hope I will be a man like Mum one day" !!!
A child asks his father: ''What is '**...''?''
He answers: ''Well son, it is something that two people that really like each other do to each others g**... with their mouths so that they achieve o**....''
The child: ''Okay... then what's ''written''?''
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
If a grandpa has a child with his granddaughter he's a great grandpa...
but a horrible father.
A priest, rabbi, and shaman walk into a bar...
A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman all walk into a bar; except there is no rabbi or shaman and it's not in a bar it's my home and the priest is molesting me and the priest isn't a priest he's my father. My father molested me as a child.
Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Rough translation from Spanish:
Child:Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Mother: With how drunk I was that night it's a miracle you don't bark!
A young native child asks his father...
"Father, where did I get my name?"
To which the father replied, "well son, we name our children after the first thing we see when we come out of the teepee when you are born. That is why your sister is named Running River..."
"Oh, like how we live near the river!" the son chimed in. "But father, why am I named Twod Ogsfucking"
Password security questions for the depressed
What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?
Sorry, tuba players...
A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"
An old man goes to confession..
An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the n**... in return for s**... favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".
Courtesy of my Dad!
One, day little Johnny asks his father,
"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."
A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.
So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"
A church father was riding a horse...
Or was it the child?
A church father was riding a child...
A truamatizing joke for a single mother to tell their child(ren)
"You look like your father, whoever he is."
A woman goes to confession, tells the priest she has deviant s**... thoughts...
She says she cant help these s**... thoughts and doesnt know what to do. It has gotten so bad she even stopped wearing p**.... The priest says, "ok my child. I want you to do 10 hail marys 5 our fathers and 43 cartwheels."
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
A child walks in on his dad...
... while he was m**.... The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."
A very curious kid
Kid: Papa, are you growing taller all the time?
Father: No, my child. Why do you ask?
Kid: Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.
A Father comes home from work
To find the tv broken and his wife looking furious with their child.
"What happened?" The father asked.
"Our son broke the tv playing the Wii" she replied.
"Did he have the s**...?"
"No, I thought Id let you punish him"
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
A dying husband asked his wife...
A dying husband asked his wife: "Honey our 6^th child looks different from our other 5 children, did he have a different father?
Wife : "I am sorry but yes"
Husband: "Can you tell me who?"
Wife: "Yes, you"
Husband died.
Divorce custody
A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.
The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."
The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"
A son walks in on his father m**......
The father looks up and says "son you're going to be doing this soon"
why? asks the child. "Because my hand is getting tired"
A child tells her mother "Daddy says he needs to borrow your typewriter"...
The woman smiles, knowing this is their secret code for s**..., but knowing she is on her period, tells her daughter "Tell Daddy that my typewriter only has red ink right now." So the child goes to tell her father.
The next day, the mother tells her child, "Tell Daddy he can use my typewriter now." When the child comes back, she tells her mother. "Daddy said he borrowed the neighbors typewriter."
A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."
He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."
A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.
Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs h**...?"
A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my w**... for 9 months, so he is mine"
The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"
A kid asked a priest...
"Father, besides praying do you have any other pass-time?"
The priest tapped the kids cheek & calmly replied:
"Nun my child, Nun".
If a family with a mother, father, and child is called a nuclear family...
...why isn't i**... called radioactive dating?
If a father asked their child if they would like a tropical fruit, would the child respond,
Papa, ya
The naming of my children
Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?". I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio. Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?". I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower petal fell onto her head after it blew in through a window. My youngest grunted,"Raaghhrgh?". I reply,"Quiet down now Cinderblock we already fed you!".
What brand of Headphones does an abusive father give to his child on his birthday every year
Beats by Dad
Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?
Why do you practice basketball everyday, son? the Father Nebula asked his son, Little Nebula, when he saw him dribbling a ball.
Because I want to be a superstar someday, Dad, Little Nebula replied.
Im proud of you, son. Father Nebula hugged his child.
Three kids are in a park with their father
The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"
Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."
Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"
Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Third kid runs up screaming,
"HRJSOAOSBRBRJFIDISOSBBPPPBFFFSSSS"
Dad gets up and shouts at the third one, causing a scene,
"SHUT UP BRICK!"
A Muslim father catches his son m**.... He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind."
The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."
How are we going to raise the child???
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby? Because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.
Living in D&D world
If my human father remarries and has a child with a halfling woman, would their child be my half-halfling half brother?
"Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
One day, a child came up to her father and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
He replied, "Well, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
Later on, her younger sister came up to their father and asked, "Daddy, why was I named Lily?"
He replied, "Well, when you were born, a lily fell on your head."
Later, their brother came up to their father and said, "Ghigdsgjjo Hitsggdjkl."
He replied, "Shutup, Brick!"
An award is given to families who have 10 children. A man and his wife have 9 children, the husband tells his wife that he cheated on her and that he has another child, he'll go get him and then they can enjoy the money together.
When the man is back home with the child he sees no one in the house. He asks his wife where are the kids? She replied each father came and took his child
A child predator, a con-man, and a priest walk in to a bar...
The bartender says: Hey Father John!
An adopted child asks his father why he adopted him.
The father answers:
"Another man's trash is another man's treasure, amiright?"
A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?
**Stalin** says the child.
Who's your mother?
**Mother Russia**
What do you want to be when you grow up?
**An orphan!**
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,
So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.
A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...
"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"
And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.
"Father why is my name Raina?"
"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."
Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"
"SHUT UP, BRICK!!!!!"
A child asked his father:
"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."