Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Father? Well here is a complete list of the top father jokes:
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
A father in law
👍🏼"Thanks for the Baghdad"
👍🏼He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
👍🏼asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
👍🏼at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"
Because his father grounded him.
👍🏼asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a *wife.*"
The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.
They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."
The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
..... a father in law.
👍🏼Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver, " Sorry to pull you over father, but we're currently searching for two child molesters."
The two priests turn and look at each other for a few moments and then the driver turns back to the cop and responds, "Alright officer, we'll do it."
Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."
👍🏼"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
👍🏼"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
Girl: Dad, do you believe in abortion?
Father: Ask your sister.
Girl: I don't have a sister...
Father: Exactly.
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
👍🏼An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
but participation is more important than winning
👍🏼Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
His father replies: "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
👍🏼A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
👍🏼A mother, father, and their 8 year old son are driving home from baseball practice when out of nowhere a dildo was thrown out of a car in front of them and slammed into the windshield. The boy in the back seat was startled and asked "mommy what was that?" The couple looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Finally the mother said "oh don't worry honey, it was just a bug." The little boy then said "I'm surprised that thing could even get off the ground with a dick that big."
👍🏼His father replies: "$40? what do you need $30 for?"
👍🏼.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"
So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"
"He slapped my left cheek."
So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"
*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
- Dad!! What are you doing??
- Son, this is called masturbation, and you will soon do it as well.
- Yikes!! Why would I do that???
- Because my hand is getting tired.
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
👍🏼As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.
> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2am he shakes his wife and asks her for a 69. She replies, "Who eats beef with broccoli at this hour?"
as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
👍🏼They named him after his father but adjusted for inflation. They call him Buck Fiddy.
👍🏼Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."
Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."
A student to his father:
Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son
Next day, an answer comes:
My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.
"Dad, where did my intelligence come from? Father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."
👍🏼A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with `Once Upon A Time`?
He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with `If elected I promise`.
After the shoe shop, and the cake shop, she goes into the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.
A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
A blonde was walking with her father, when her father said "look! It's a dead bird! That's so sad!"
The blonde then quickly looked up in the sky and said "Where?"
A young vulture flew away from his home for a bit and got lost on his way back. His parents searched and searched, but they couldn't find him. About a week later, he finally finds his way home, and his parents are so happy that they have a huge feast. His father places a plate in front of him loaded with his favorite foods. He asks his father "What's all this?" His father replies "Carrion, my wayward son."
👍🏼You've red some of the best father jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about father. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty father gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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