The Best 76 Father Jokes

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"Thanks for the Baghdad"

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

The sonicare toothbrush is named after the words I never heard my father say.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—

Alright officer, we'll do it

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about.

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

I know how it feels to grow up without a father!

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

A man is washing his car with his son...

...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?

A boy asked his father, "Dad, what does gay mean?"

"It means happy son." Replied the father.

Then the boy asked, "Then Dad, are you gay?"

"No son, I am married." the father replied.

I became a proud father today....

My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?

I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.

Who? the son asks.

Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.

Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."

An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

Forgive me father, priest, preacher, reverend,

for I have synonymed.

Little Johnny was lost

Little Johnny got separated from his father so he went to a policeman and said I can't find my Dad. Oh, what's he like? asked the policeman. Little Johnny replied Beer and women.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.

Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.

But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.

The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.

The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.

What is it son? ask the priest.

The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father" and the elevator operator says "no, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

A rabbi & a Catholic priest met at an interfaith conference

They decided to take a break for lunch together. While reading the menu, the priest asked a question.

"From what I know of your people Rabbi, you are not supposed to eat pork. Have you ever actually tried it?"

"Well, yes" said the rabbi "A couple of times. Now tell ME, Father- I've heard that your people are supposed to be celibate. So have YOU ever...?"

"um" the priest stumbled "in my youth, once or twice..."

​

"Better than pork, isn't it?!"

a father is teaching his son how to drive

the father asks his son there's an old man and a young boy on the road, what do you hit?

the son replies with confidence that's easy, the old man of course

the father says the brakes

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.