Fathe Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"Thanks for the Baghdad"

Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"


Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.

Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a handbag

She said thanks for the baghdad

My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."

Dad, you're using Uber.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"

"Yes, sir"

"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"

"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

My father has the heart of a lion...

And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"

A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A father was sitting at the table with his two daughters

Petal and Fridge.

Petal said, "Dad, why is my name Petal?"

Her dad answered, "Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."

Then Fridge said, "HUURRGRRUWAHGUWAAAAAH!"

My father always told me son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer

Terrible father, great rapist

My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners

but participation is more important than winning

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.

"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.

"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."

"Oh. That's not so bad."

"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."

Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."

Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

My girl's father said "YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY"!

I replied, "Sorry. Won't happen again!"

Father is talking with his son

DAD: Whaddya got there, son?
SON: Soy milk.
DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.

My father wants me to treat him like a king

So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A Father from Iraq gave his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied

Thanks for the Baghdad

My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

A father and son go fishing...

Son: Dad, what do we do first?

Father: We get this clickbait here and we throw it into the ocean.

Son: Then what happens?

Father: What happens next will shock you.

My father used to do this to me...

- Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."

- Me: "But... I'm the oldest."

- Dad: "Now."

My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words

Allahu Akbar.

[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]

A father and a daughter are walking in a dark forest

The daughter says: Dad, I'm scared .
The father replies: Imagine how scared I'll be walking back all by myself

Father, I must confess I've been having sex with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.

Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.

Man: I'm Jewish

Father: What are you telling me for then?

Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.

What Does Your Father Do?

It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.

1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!

2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!

3rd Child: My dad is dead.

The teacher asks:

Well, what did your father do before he died?

3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"

There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

There's a father and a son sitting in their living room.

The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"

The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"

A father takes his son fishing

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to catch fish?

Dad: Sure, son! first you throw the clickbait into the water

Son: What next?

Dad: What happens next will shock you!

I want to be a father someday

But my son says I should start now

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

My father always told me, he liked his women like he liked his sunglasses.

Sitting on his face.

Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

A father walks in on his son...

A father walks in on his son masturbating. The father says, "Son, If you keep masturbating you'll go blind!"

The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."

Why is my father so abusive?

Beats me

My father used to say "Take everything with a pinch of salt"

Nice man. Made terrible tea.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

Father say to son "If you keep masturbating you'll go blind."

Son replied "Dad, I'm over here."

Now Its the Father Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

My father always said I was a bright kid...

So bright in fact, he always called me son

I think my father is doing a Half-life 3 cosplay.

Because I haven't seen him in over 10 years now.

A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

Why did the father laugh at his son?

It's good to laugh at your mistakes.

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspective on things.


Minutes later, the second son, who had a stocking full of manure, comes running to his father with excitement and says, "Dad! I think Santa brought me a pony! Now I just have to go find it!"


It's all about perspective.

My father works as a statistician at Ford.

He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.

Fatherhood

A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

What are the funniest fathe jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Fathe? Well, here are the best Fathe puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Fathe pick up lines to share with friends.

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