Fate Jokes
41 fate jokes and hilarious fate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Is it possible to turn jokes of Fate into reality? This article explores and examines the ideas raised by Fate Stay Night and the concept of repentance and rescue. It looks at whether it is possible to achieve an eternal state of joy and peace with the help of Fate.
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Funniest Fate Short Jokes
Short fate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fate humour may include short destiny jokes also.
- TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays.
- After the title "The Fate of the Furious", I just need next 2 movies to be titled Fast *nein* : The Fast and the *Furher*ious
Fast10 : your seatbelt - What is the difference between an economic recession and a broken down escalator? One is a terrible state of affairs the other is a terrible fate of a stairs.
- Watching a cooking show when "We believe this was the last dish they served on the Titanic on that fateful day" I bet that went down well.
- An Oracle Once Told me.. That it was fate that I had banged my leg into a table at school.
I guess it was my.. Desk to knee. - I'm afraid my marriage is going to suffer the same fate that half of all marriages have already suffered. Continued marriage.
- A buddy of mine believes in fate... When he fell down he slowly got back up and said "well, I'm glad that's over with"
- I went to a fortune teller and she told me I was destined to eat all I could in a short period of time... It was my buf-fate.
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Fate One Liners
Which fate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fate? I can suggest the ones about fortune and chance.
- Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller? To find out his phos-fate!
- I hate having tinitus. It's a fate worse than deaf.
- Make like an ill-fated skydiver... And bounce
- I still can't believe how the pastry chef died... It's hard to imagine a cruller fate.
- what ultimately decides your fate while you are driving? Your Carma
- Do you think fate brought us together? Girl - Nah,I think it's was just bad luck
- It's fate that Bungee releases the sequel to their sci-fi shooter MMO. It's Destiny, 2.
- So an orca's prey tried to escape But his fate was sealed
- Fate can be a cruel lady. I guess that's why it's called **mis**fortune.
Comical Fate Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about fate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fame jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fate pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
A brunette and a blonde are stranded on an island.
Suddenly, a magical genie appears to them. He says, "You girls have stumbled upon an unfortunate fate. Therefore, I will grant you each one wish."
The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family!"
"So it is done," the genie says, and the girl is poofed home.
The blonde looks over to where her friend had just been standing and says, "Aw man, I wish she hadn't left me here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."
It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**... b**...
Two adventurers were captured by a tribe in the jungle.
The chief asked the first one: "Decide your fate: Death or b**... b**..."
He answered: "I choose b**... b**..." and was r**... by the whole tribe.
So the chief asked the second adventurer: "Death or b**... b**...".
He answered: "I choose death"
The chief: "Well, so it shall be. Death by b**... b**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.
He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"
Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll m**... your father."
Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.
He asks, "What happens next?"
"Then you'll take his throne."
Oedipus is pleased to hear that he'll become king, but there must be more to his fate.
"And what happens next?"
"Then you'll sleep with Joe."
Oedipus is confused.
"Who's Joe?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with a wooden eye watches people at the dance...
After always being the b**... of jokes or bullying, he was scared to ask any girl to dance with him. He always had a fancy for Betsy, who was born with a hairlip. He always figured since they shared a similar fate, she might sympathize with him. He finally mustered up enough courage and asked Betsy, "Would you dance with me?" She sprang up excited and said "Would I? Would I?!". The man angrily says, "Well, hairlip! Hairlip!"
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to a fortune teller...
The fortune teller looks at him and says, "Tonight you will have great s**..., but it will impregnate your partner."
The guy, not ready to be a father, says, "Is there any way to undo this fate?"
The fortune teller replies, "You can't un-fortune-nut-lay."
High school math teachers true-love story....
After being separated for years by cruel fate, the two star-crossed lovers raced towards each other like two freight trains... one leaving Cleveland at 6:30pm and traveling south at 55mph and the other having left Topeka at 4:15pm heading east at 35mph...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a near death experience and a b**...?
One is ducking fate and the other is a...
A cop pulled a car over, with a driver that matched a description of a thief. Turns out the guy was not too smart.
The cop had a basic description of the thief, but seeing the matching tattoo, would seal this guys fate. The tattoo would be located on the guys forearm.
The cop says, "show me your forearms"
The driver looks confused
The cop gets louder, "show me your forearms!!"
The driver looks confused, and says, "I only have two"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kid tells his mom about a video game
The kid says to his mom about a game, and he's on the final level, level 6**....
The mom gets angry and says Isn't that the devil's number? Quit the game now!
So the son says I guess it was *FATE* that brought us to this point
The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta
After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
Playing with fate
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Will I die? she asks.
God says, No. You have 30 more years to live.
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains.
That's true, says God.
So what happened? she asks.
God shrugs. I didn't recognize you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a carrot say when it gets picked?
Nothing.
It can only silently scream into the abyss.
It has no mouth, yet it surely must have screamed when it was ripped from its comfortable life to face the cold, uncaring winds of its fate. It was a sheep to the s**....
And aren't we?
As a species, we have no other goal than continuation: eat, drink, sleep, reproduce, die. We are destined to die and to feel the unfeeling embrace of the void, and we have no escape.
Like the lamb, or the carrot, we are destined for the void.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Maria finally met her fate.
Maria, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks back her second husband died, Maria also passed away yesterday.
Today, I was at Maria's f**...... The priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "No dear, I mean her legs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An alcoholic, a s**... and a gay guy go to a psychiatrist
An alcoholic, a s**... and a gay guy go to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist evaluates their addictions and warns them, "If you indulge in your bad habit ONE MORE TIME, you will drop dead."
So the three men acknowledge his warning and leave the clinic.
As they walked down the sidewalk, discussing their fate, the Alcoholic proclaims, "I don't care what happens to me! I need a drink!" He runs into a bar, takes a shot of whiskey, and drops dead.
The s**... and gay guy--shocked that the psychiatrist was telling the truth--continue walking.
A few minutes later they see a full cigarette burning on the sidewalk. The s**... starts to sweat. And looks over at the gay guy. "I just need ONE MORE drag!"
The gay guy says, "Honey, if you bend down to pick that up, we're BOTH gonna drop dead!"
An airplane crashes on a deserted island and only 2 men and a woman survive.
The three wait and survive for a few weeks before they realize that they aren't going to be rescued. They decide to accept their fate and start enjoying life on the island. They have plenty of food, water, and other supplies that they found around the island. Naturally they start to have urges, and they decide that the guys will take turns for when the girl is in the mood.
So life is good for a few weeks until the girl becomes fatally ill. The girl dies a week later. So the two men think about what they should do now.
Man 1: "I have an idea... But I've never done it before."
Man 2: "I know what you're thinking. I'm willing to try it..."
So every night for about 3 weeks after the girl died, the men attempt the idea and each morning both men are sore and disgusted. Finally one night:
Man 1: "STOP! We can't do this anymore! It isn't right! It's not natural!"
Man 2: "Yes, I agree... We'll bury her body in the morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of v**....
He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.
The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!"
The partner says, "I don't know, man, with a limo like that, he's probably someone really important."
The other copy says, "I don't care, you heard what the party boss said in our monthly meeting. No more special treatment for officials, and plus, the USSR needs all the money we can get if we want to defeat the capitalists."
So they speed off after the limo and pull it over. The partner gets out of the car, walks up to the limo, and quickly turns back after just a few words with the driver without issuing a ticket. When he gets back to the cop car, his partner says, "What was that? I thought we said no special breaks! Who could be so important that you didn't give them a ticket?"
"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"
Drinking and driving
I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.
As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.
So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some close friends of mine and had just a few too many.
Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. As fate would have it, I passed a police checkpoint but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even quite sure where I got it.
