fat Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious fat puns

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies I just did some homework. The robot slaps the son. The son then says Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.

Dad asks What movie were you watching? The son replies Finding Nemo . The robot slaps the son. He then says Okay, okay. We were watching porn.

Dad said What?! At your age I didn't know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says Wow. He certainly is your son.

The robot slaps the mother.



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Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"Thanks for the Baghdad"

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?

Of course you may. What can I do for you?

Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

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Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"


Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!

*the father turns to her boyfriend*

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

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Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

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Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

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Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

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Women's ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat,
10% of women think their ass is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world

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I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day.

I'm tired of being fat every day.

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How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

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Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

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The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

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Two fat ladies walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

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Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny

They have enough on their plate anyway.

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My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.

Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

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Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp, she's probably thick and tired of it.

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Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it

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Why is Japan afraid of Kim Jong-un?

because they remember what the last fat man did to them

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How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

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A father and his son were watching TV together

When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

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I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

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Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

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Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

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Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

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Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.

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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

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My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

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I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

Because elephants never forget.

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My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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If you call a girl pretty, she'll forget after a day.

If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.

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A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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Honesty

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

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Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

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I brought a porn DVD today.

But all I could see was some fat man holding his dick.


Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.

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Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

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Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"

I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"

I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

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A father and son are having the talk about sex

After a few minutes, the son says, "Dad, I know all that stuff. We went over it in Health class."

Dad says, "Well, do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, I have one about condoms."

"What do you need to know?"

"When I was in the drugstore, I saw that they sell them by the dozen. Who needs that many at once?"

"That's an easy one, son. You saw that they sell packages of three. High schoolers buy those. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for the rest of the week. They also sell packages of six. College students buy those. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for the rest of the week."

"OK dad, but what about the dozen?"

"Married people buy those. One for January, one for February..."

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I went to the doctors with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne. The man was eating a human leg while his son was eating some human ribs.THEY WHERE CANNIBALS.

"I'm fucked" the young hiker hopelessly thought. However, at that same moment the clouds opened up and the hand of god appeared and said "No son, you are still not fucked. Steal the spear from one of the guards and put it through the fat kid's forehead". The man was aware that this plan did not sound effective, but he wanted to live and knew that god had to know what he was doing so he trusted him. He ran towards the closest guard, stole his spear, and shot it towards the fatkid's forehead, killing him instantly. The sky opened up again, "NOW you are fucked son".

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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.

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Yo mama so fat...

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

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Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

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Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell

no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

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Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy

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How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?

When She fits in your wife's clothes.

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What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

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When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

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Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

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My girlfriend was standing nude...

in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

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The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

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Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

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I went to the doctor with hearing problems..

He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Aye, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair!"

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An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'

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Your mom so fat..

Her favorite jewellery is the food chain

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Yo momma, she so fat...

there's people on the internet who believe she's flat, not round.

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A Father has three daughters..

Daughter 1: Dad, why did you name me Rose?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Rose petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 2: Dad, why did you name me Lily?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Lily petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 3: hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??! nfhriirb!!? Jfjebdjhcb!!??!

Dad: SHUT THE FUCK UP CINDERBLOCK!

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Yo mama's so fat

when she sat on a memory foam it forgot

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A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

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What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?

I pity the stool!

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I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she can fit into your wife's clothes

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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a handbag

She said thanks for the baghdad

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A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

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yo mamas so fat

i pictured her in my head and she broke my neck

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My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."

Dad, you're using Uber.

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I went to a bar last night

and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

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I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

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A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard

so she reports it to
the Captain immediately.


Sir, I think we have a case of
human trafficking!


There is a
very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!
We must save the lady !!!

The Captain responds,


Patricia,
I've told you before..
We have resigned from *United Airlines*.
This is *Air Force One*
Please learn to respect the American President.

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Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last very long for fat people.

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Give me a compliment.

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

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A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.


The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.


"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

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Life is like a box of chocolates.

It ends faster for fat people.

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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex...

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."

"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"

Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."

His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

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Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

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A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

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I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,

"You're a big girl!"

She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "Salad tastes nice"

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A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

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Yo mama so fat

I swerved to miss her and ran out of gas

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My father has the heart of a lion...

And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son

'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'

The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:

'No! I don't wanna know!'

'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.

'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'

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Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"

Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."

"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.

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Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

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What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry

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My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...

'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

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The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

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Why do you never tease a fat girl with lisp?

Because she's thick and tired of it.

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My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

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The Fat Dad

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

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A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

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My friend gave me a porno video.

When it put it in the player all it had was a blurred picture of some old, fat, bald guy naked and having a wank. I was fucking furious until I realised I had forgotten to turn on the TV.

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A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench...

...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.

The old man, watching this, says "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat."

The little boy responded, "My Grandfather lived to be 102 years old."

The old man replied "Did your Grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?"

The little boy said, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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Two Cannibals are Wandering the Jungle...

They come upon a big fat missionary and brain him with a rock. They're excited to have such a feast before them.

Being equitable to one another, as all cannibals are, they decide that one start at the feet and the other start at the head; they'll both work their way to the middle.

After a few minutes, the cannibal at the feet says to the other, "How are you enjoying the feast?"

The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"

The cannibal at the feet says, "You're eating too fast!"

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What do you a call a really fat psychic?

A four chin teller

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Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

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A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

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What do you call a fat psychic?

...a four chin teller

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I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

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Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.

"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"

"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.

"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

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How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake!

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie [long]

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

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My friend was called fat today.

I told him "It'll be okay, just keep your chins up".

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My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"

A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

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A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them

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My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.

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Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

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Don't stress if someone says you are fat

You are bigger than that.

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Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They are thick and tired of it.

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Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

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I went to a pub last night

and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs"

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"

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a men & fat girl in bar

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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Why should you never make fun of fat people who have lisps?

They're thick and tired of it

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Jokes about fat people aren't funny.

They just don't work out.

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Your mom is so fat

Her memory foam mattress drinks to forget.

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What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry.

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Guys, don't make fun of fat people

It's not as if they don't have enough on their plate

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I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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What did the fat kid get for his Birthday?

Bullied

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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied.
"I'm with the I.R.S."

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My fat friend told me I have OCD.

I told him he had OBCD.

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Women and their asses

There was a recent study about women and how they feel about their asses, and the results were quite interesting. 30% of women think their ass is way too fat
10% of women think their ass is way too skinny
And the remaining 60% said they didn't care, that they love him, he's a good man and that they wouldn't trade him for the world.

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What are the best Fat puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Fat? Well, here are the best jokes about Fat to have fun with.

Joko Jokes