Fat Husband Jokes
52 fat husband jokes and hilarious fat husband puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fat husband that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Fat Husband Short Jokes
Short fat husband jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fat husband humour may include short fat friend jokes also.
- Give me a compliment. A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
- Will you get mad? Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*
Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*
Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*
Husband: *I slept with your sister* - Wife And Husband Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight." - Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: Come on honey, let's not blame it on the *jeans*.
- Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better." Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
- divorce Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ?? - Wife to husband: Did I get fat during quarantine? Husband replies: you weren't really that skinny to be begin with!
Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19 - "I look fat..." ...said a woman to her husband. "Please give me a compliment."
"Honey," he said, "Your eyesight is perfect." - A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband She asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?"
He replies, "Do I look dumb in this shirt?" - Wife is getting fat so the husband tells her she needs to start walking 10 miles a day... ...because in a month she'll be 300 miles away.
Share These Fat Husband Jokes With Friends
Fat Husband One Liners
Which fat husband one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fat husband? I can suggest the ones about fat picture and fat guy.
- What did the fat sheep say to her husband? "I love being a round ewe"
- My husband is like Santa Claus He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.
- Husband to his fat cute wife You're my only investment that has doubled
- Wife: I feel fat and out of shape.. Husband: you look definitely in shape.. ..of a melon
- Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?" Husband: "Right"
- Wife: "Do I look fat in this dress?" Husband: "No, you look fat in every dress."
- Wife : Do I look fat? Husband : Do I look s**...?
Delightful Fun Fat Husband Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about fat husband you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fat dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fat husband pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a lady laying in bed.
At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”
His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.”
Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You're so fat that your husband rolled over after s**.
.., rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel...
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel. She stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom. "I hate my body, i'm too fat", she says sadly to her husband on their bed. "I'm feeling a little down after that, i could use a pick me up. Compliment me?" she says. He says back, "Well for one thing your eyesight is great!"
My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.
A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
A Wife goes to her husband for help
She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store and find the perfect one and takes it home to try it out, first the wife gets on the scale says "129, 129". Then the husband gets on and its says 239, 239. They agree that its perfect so they take it to her niece and tells her to try it out, she is apprehensive but agrees, once she gets on the scale says "One at a time, One at a time"
Divine Frog
A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
A genie appears in front of a middle-aged wife at home.
"I can grant you one wish," the genie says.
"Well," the woman said thoughtfully, "My husband hasn't been fun in bed for a while... I want you to turn my old cat into a manly friend!" She points at an old, fat cat resting lazily on the couch.
"Granted," the genie says as he disappears, and the cat transforms into a handsome, muscular Brad Pitt clone.
The woman jumps into his arms. "Any words before we make sweet love?"
"Yes," says the man. "I bet you wish you hadn't neutered me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which kid?
Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you.
Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one
An avocado-wife is giving her husband the silent treatment
Husband: "I said you were the good kind of fat!"
Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife asks her husband, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Her husband responds, "No, that question makes you look s**...".
Wife: "If I was a food or drink, what would I be?"
Husband: "Well, I guess you'd be milk."
Wife: "Why's that? Because I'm smooth and tasty?"
Husband: "No, it's because you're full fat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's wife is looking at herself in the mirror
She says to her husband "I'm old, fat and ugly. Can't you give me a compliment?"
To this the husband replies "well, at least your sight is working"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The husband jokes about his wife being fat
While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this s**... washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?
The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife stands in front of a mirror in the bedroom and asks her husband, does this make me look fat?
husband says no, your fat makes you look fat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale s**... on his big fat belly
"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"
"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife: He made two fat jokes yesterday.
Husband: I don't recall this, that's a lie!
Therapist: Why would she remember then you making them?
Husband: Elephants never forget I suppose.
Therapist: Savage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs.
God, I look old, fat and ugly. She implores her husband; Pay me a compliment, dear.
Her husband replies, Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."
Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"
There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance.
There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance. A married couple watched from a bench.
The husband told his wife, "it looks like there's fifty protestors over there!"
"I only counted ten." responded his wife.
The husband turned back to her, "I said it *looks* like fifty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Savage husband
Wife: I look old, fat and ugly. I need you to guve me a compliment.
Husband: Well your eyesight is perfect
A fat woman was standing on the weighing scale while holding her stomach in.
Um, I don't think that's going to help said the husband.
To which the wife replies in a confused manner,
Sure it does. How else I could see the numbers?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need a compliment
*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.
*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.
"Honey, do I look fat ?"
Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Irish woman is n**... starting at herself in the mirror
Her husband walks in and asks what in the h**... are you doing?
I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body, she replied.
Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish a**...?
You didn't come up in conversation, she replied.
(I don't know why she's Irish, but when I heard the joke she was so I'm keeping it going!)
A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant...
A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.
The man on the table to her right says to his date, "pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar"
The man on the table to her left says to his date, "pass me the honey, my sweet Honey"
She asks her husband, "Look at all these men, why aren't you romantic with me like this?"
The husband looks her deeply into her eyes and says with his most romantic voice,
"Pass me the pork, my fat pig"
