Faster Jokes

Following is our collection of speed humor and slow one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Faster puns for adults, dirty pace jokes or clean sluggish gags for kids.

There is an abundance of slowest jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on faster. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any quickest witze you can hear about faster.

The Best jokes about Faster

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...

No, the cars are much faster.

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

It only made it more sluggish.


I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?

One student raises their hand,

The cheetah is faster dandelion.

Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

Teacher - 'Use dandelion in a sentence'

Jamaican student - 'De cheetah is faster dandelion'

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

I wanted to make my racing snail faster..

So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.


You'd think a snail would be faster without it's shell,

But it's actually more sluggish...

How do you make a racing snail faster?

I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

I took the shell off of my pet snail because I thought it would make him move faster

...if anything, it made him more sluggish

What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK?

They both make black men run faster.

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"

Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"

Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion"

*Everyone dies*


I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.

She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.

She started running, so I started running.

She started screaming, so I started screaming.

I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.

I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..

He's actually more sluggish now.

Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster...

If anything he seems more sluggish!

Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

A Jamaican is asked, use Dandelion in a sentence ...

He then says ...
"The cheetah is faster dandelion"

What do you call an Alabama girl who can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

I painted my PC black to make it run faster

Now it doesn't work

The lady walking ahead of me sped up...

...so I did. She began walking faster and faster so I did. She started running so I did. She started screaming so I did. I have no idea what we were running from but I was terrified.

What do you call a redneck virgin?

A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.

But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.

If 9/11 had happened in July...

7/11's brand name would have crumbled faster than the Twin Towers.

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

I bought myself a snail to race other snails..

I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish

If light travels faster than sound.

Then why do I always hear a honk before the light turn green?

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

How do you make an art student's car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

I took the shell off my racing snail...

... thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.

Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster.

Stupid geese.

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?

A prostitute says "Faster, faster!"
A girlfriend says "More, more!"
A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Politics is like driving

No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron.

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?

Nun: I would lift up my dress

Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?

Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down

Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?

Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walked into a bar.

Why are cars faster than motorcycles?

Because motorcycles are two tired.

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

What Makes ISIS Spread Faster Than The Internet?

An Airstrike.

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops

Heat or cold

Which one travels faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, you can catch a cold.

So, I was out walking at night

In front of me was a woman.

She looked behind her back, the started to run faster,

I got a little spooked so I started walking faster too.

she began to walk even faster.

I was really scared so I began walking even faster too.

suddenly she began to run.

I began running too.

She then began screaming, so did i.

I don't know what was behind us, but it was the scariest night of my life.

light travels faster than sound

thats why some people appear bright til you hear them speak.

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on. A third fly unfortunately finds its way in the room. Quick as lightning the third samurai draws his sword and swings. The fly continues on its way as if nothing happened. The other samurais starts laughing. With quiet dignity he puts his sword away and turns to the and says.

"Laugh all you will, but that fly will never be a dad again."

Paraprosdokians

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

* Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put'DOCTOR'.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

How do you know if a redneck girl is a virgin?

If she can run faster than her brothers.

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes