Fast Jokes
186 fast jokes and hilarious fast puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fast that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Rolling on the floor with laughter? Whether you need a quick joke to lighten the mood or you want to impress your friends, this article will offer up some hilarious "fast jokes" that you can say at any occasion. Get ready to marvel at the speed of wit!
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Funniest Fast Short Jokes
Short fast jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fast humour may include short peed jokes also.
- Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math" Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast" - My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
- In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
- Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.. But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast. - Interviewer: What's your biggest strength? Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121. - I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away - What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom? COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.
- It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'
- So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie.. Fast10: Your Seatbelts.
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Fast One Liners
Which fast one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fast? I can suggest the ones about slow and instant.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called.... Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
- Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee
- I've calculated the name for the next Fast & Furious movie... Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
- Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?" Him: "No, I hit trees."
- Why do French people eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.
- During Ramadan, Sonic the hedgehog is a Muslim Because he's gotta go fast.
- What's fast and the furious 10 going to be called? Fast 10: your seatbelts
- When is the best time for Muslims to run a race? Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.
- What's blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A really fast apple.
- Why do they eat snail in France? Because they don't have fast food.
- If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ? Hurry canes.
- What does Muslim sonic say when ramadan begins. Gotta go fast!
- They recently announced the title for Fast and furious 10 Fast 10:your seatbelts
- Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can't stand fast food
Say It Fast Jokes
Here is a list of funny say it fast jokes and even better say it fast puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman in labor yells... "CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"
Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast." - What did the big flower say to the little flower on the first day of spring? "You're growing so petal-fast!"
- Snail gets robbed by a tortoise. Police come and asks the snail can you tell us what happened? Snail says I don't know man it all happened so fast.
- A guy gets pulled over for speeding The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says "Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day."
The guy replies "Well, I got here as fast as I could". - Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
- What does sonic say during Ramadan? Gotta go fast
- The chemistry professor says to his students: "There's deadly gas in this bottle. What steps do we take in case it breaks?"
"Fast steps" - Say what you want about skiing... ..but the sports going downhill, Fast!
- Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says "Hey, did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease? It's spreading pretty fast."
The other cow says "Yeah. Good thing I'm a helicopter." - What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn? "Sorry, gotta go fast"
Fast Food Jokes
Here is a list of funny fast food jokes and even better fast food puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise. Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.
- What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.
- Why don't Americans eat snails? Because they like fast-food.
(This one actually came from my dad if that gets extra points.) - Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people... Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.
- What's Peter pans favourite fast food restaurant? Wendy's
- Which fast food produces the most radiation? >!Fission chips. !<
- Why do we not eat sloths in the US? Because it's not a fast food
- What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line? Fast food
- Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia, a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
It's called Burka King. - What does a cheetah call Usain Bolt? Fast food
Fast Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny fast car jokes and even better fast car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they're getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars Ah sorry, spoilers
- I wanted to see how fast I could drive my new car down Main Street. I managed to hit 60 before getting pulled over. Most of them survived with only minor injuries.
- I heard the next Fast and Furious movie is going to have these fins on the back of the cars.... ...Oops, spoilers.
- The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day.
- I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies... Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...
Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers. - What came first the car or the wheel? The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.
- A police officer pulls over a speeding car.. The cop said to the driver, "Ha! I've been waiting for someone like you all day!".
The driver replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!" - My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it... While I was parallel parking.
- Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food! - What do you call an Indian in a fast car?? Curry in a hurry!!
Driving Fast Jokes
Here is a list of funny driving fast jokes and even better driving fast puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad drives like the lightning! Wow, he's that good, yeah?
Well I don't know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree. - My wife drives like lightning. I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
- A girl is having a date with a guy and is asking the guy if he drives well Guy : I drive like lightning.
Girl : You drive fast?
Guy : No, I hit the trees. - I've been driving for 20 years And I still haven't seen any fast children at play
- Every restaurant has a drive-thru If you drive fast enough.
- Last night I dreamed I was driving a Ferrari in the Formula 1 championship race... I was fast, asleep.
- Heisenberg is driving along the highway... A cop pulls him over and asks "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?".
Heisenberg replies "No, but I know exactly where I was!". - How fast can a woman drive? 68 mph, because at 69 they flip over and blow a rod
- A cop asked me why I was driving so fast "Helping you pay for donuts" was not the right answer
- If you are driving really fast and suddenly you see your wife and your mother in law in front of you, what will you hit first? Brakes...... The brakes.
Silly & Ridiculous Fast Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about fast you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean speed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fast pranks.
What's the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just o**... stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
Mad cow disease
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
During s**... im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...
I come fast and dont p**... very far! ... ayyyyy!
Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)
Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?"
Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."
So a guy walks into a bar...
and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"
Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?
Depends on how fast you can carry it.
A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."
The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
What is the fastest thing in the world?
Milk.
Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
So I was in a race against a Prius the other day.
I kept up for the first 100ft but I can only walk so fast...
10 shots of whiskey please!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
A snail gets mugged
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
A cop pulled over a spanish photon...
The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The photon said, "c."
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
A mugged turtle..
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.
a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter
a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"d**... I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"
A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)
The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walked into a bar.
I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.
The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...
But I can only walk so fast.
I am s**... bomber AMA
Wow this blew up fast.
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you c**...''
Who were the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
He said, "I have been waiting all day for someone like you."
And the guy answered, "That's why I wanted to be here as fast as possible !"
I'm going to go on a Brexit diet
The pounds will drop fast.
What do you call a fast clothes maker?
Taylor Swift!
Made up by my nine year old :)
A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....
"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?
Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
A teacher asks a student..
Teacher: I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to answer fast. Got it?
Student: Yes teacher.
Teacher: What is 2+2?
Student: FAST!
A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding
The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?
By selling your camera.
Who are the fastest readers ?
9/11 victims, they went through 64 stories in just 8 seconds
I was m**... when I heard some one scream "Help".
So I came as fast as I could.
What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?
Exit the European Union.
What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist?
By selling your guitar.
Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?
If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
Two friends are visiting Wales
Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.
They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."
The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in just a few seconds
Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies
I was fast, she was furious
I went to a restaurant.
Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
New fast and the Furious movie should be called... 'Fast 10: Your Seat belts'
Source: Wife's Facebook... made me chuckle.
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...
It downloads Chrome twice as fast!
Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day
Got up too fast after watching the third film
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?
Lo Ping
life is like a box of chocolates....
it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.
But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the f**..., Emily".
If you want to impress a girl...
...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"
A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.
She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".
I said, "You pick".
She said, "No you pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".
[A forward that I received from my SO today]
What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?
Step 1: become a billionaire.
Step 2: buy an EA game.
The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen
So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
a blonde police officer stops a blonde driver
A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver:
"You have driven too fast: let me see your driver's licence."
The blonde driver is puzzled: "What's a driver licence?"
The blonde police officer explains: "Um... you have your face on it."
The blonde driver hands the blonde police officer a mirror.
The blonde police officer looks at the mirror and salutes the blonde driver:
"Sorry, I didn't recognize you were a police officer."
What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?
All their Walkers are dead
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
A cop pulls over a speeder
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"
The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11
