Fast Jokes
187 fast jokes and hilarious fast puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fast that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Rolling on the floor with laughter? Whether you need a quick joke to lighten the mood or you want to impress your friends, this article will offer up some hilarious "fast jokes" that you can say at any occasion. Get ready to marvel at the speed of wit!
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Funniest Fast Short Jokes
Short fast jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fast humour may include short slow jokes also.
- Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math" Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast" - My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
- In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
- Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.. But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast. - Interviewer: What's your biggest strength? Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121. - I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away - What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom? COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.
- It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'
- So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie.. Fast10: Your Seatbelts.
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Fast One Liners
Which fast one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fast? I can suggest the ones about instant and quickly.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called.... Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
- Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee
- I've calculated the name for the next Fast & Furious movie... Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
- Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?" Him: "No, I hit trees."
- Why do French people eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.
- During Ramadan, Sonic the hedgehog is a Muslim Because he's gotta go fast.
- When is the best time for Muslims to run a race? Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.
- What's blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A really fast apple.
- If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ? Hurry canes.
- What does Muslim sonic say when ramadan begins. Gotta go fast!
- I'm going to go on a Brexit diet The pounds will drop fast.
- What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.
- My wife drives like lightning. I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
- What do you call a fast clothes maker? Taylor Swift!
Made up by my nine year old :)
Say It Fast Jokes
Here is a list of funny say it fast jokes and even better say it fast puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman in labor yells... "CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"
Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast." - What did the big flower say to the little flower on the first day of spring? "You're growing so petal-fast!"
- Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
- The chemistry professor says to his students: "There's deadly gas in this bottle. What steps do we take in case it breaks?"
"Fast steps" - Say what you want about skiing... ..but the sports going downhill, Fast!
- What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn? "Sorry, gotta go fast"
- Challenge Only a Genius can say these four words, Four times Really fast without getting Tongue twisted.
Eye , Yum , Stew , Peed - What did the anime character say to the wookiee when it ate too fast? Chew, baka!
- Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast. Delta
Delta
Delta - They say fast food is bad for you... so I ate a sloth.
Fast Food Jokes
Here is a list of funny fast food jokes and even better fast food puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise. Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.
- Why don't Americans eat snails? Because they like fast-food.
(This one actually came from my dad if that gets extra points.) - Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people... Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.
- Which fast food produces the most radiation? >!Fission chips. !<
- Why do we not eat sloths in the US? Because it's not a fast food
- What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line? Fast food
- Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia, a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
It's called Burka King. - What does a cheetah call Usain Bolt? Fast food
- It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers... often open with "sorry for the weight".
- What does a shark call a jet-skier? Fast food. (I'm so sorry)
Fast Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny fast car jokes and even better fast car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they're getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars Ah sorry, spoilers
- I wanted to see how fast I could drive my new car down Main Street. I managed to hit 60 before getting pulled over. Most of them survived with only minor injuries.
- The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day.
- I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies... Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...
Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers. - What came first the car or the wheel? The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.
- My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it... While I was parallel parking.
- Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food! - What do you call a car that can go super fast, but only every now and then? A spurts car
- When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?
When it's on the train. - My new car is so fast... My new car is so fast, they had to make the tail lights white.
Driving Fast Jokes
Here is a list of funny driving fast jokes and even better driving fast puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad drives like the lightning! Wow, he's that good, yeah?
Well I don't know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree. - I've been driving for 20 years And I still haven't seen any fast children at play
- Every restaurant has a drive-thru If you drive fast enough.
- Last night I dreamed I was driving a Ferrari in the Formula 1 championship race... I was fast, asleep.
- Heisenberg is driving along the highway... A cop pulls him over and asks "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?".
Heisenberg replies "No, but I know exactly where I was!". - How fast can a woman drive? 68 mph, because at 69 they flip over and blow a rod
- A cop asked me why I was driving so fast "Helping you pay for donuts" was not the right answer
- If you are driving really fast and suddenly you see your wife and your mother in law in front of you, what will you hit first? Brakes...... The brakes.
- What do driving and dating have in common? Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
- Police officer: Why were you driving so fast? Me: I was trying to get to the gas station before I ran out of gas.
Silly & Ridiculous Fast Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about fast you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rapidly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fast pranks.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
What's the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just o**... stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During s**... im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...
I come fast and dont p**... very far! ... ayyyyy!
So last night I fell off my balcony...
Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.
The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and m**....
I'm always trying to pull a fast one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interviewing Arab for US visa
Interviewing an arab for a visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: s**...?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, d**..., any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
Fighter jock and the cargo pilot
A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.
The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.
"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.
"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.
After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"
Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."
Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."
There once was a man who made dead houses.
There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."
The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.
About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."
One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
Old people love
My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?
Depends on how fast you can carry it.
A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."
The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...
As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.
"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"
Moments later, another car speeds ahead.
"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"
Then once more, another car rushes ahead.
"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"
Then they reach their destination.
"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
Be verbs.
The teacher asked the class to stand one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.
"She is beautiful", said Kate.
"My dogs are fat", shouted Mark.
"I is...", stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted.
"You always say 'I am'. Never say 'I is'", said she.
As fast as he could, Joe uttered,
"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
A snail gets mugged
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
A cop pulled over a spanish photon...
The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The photon said, "c."
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
An electron is speeding down the highway when a police officer pulls him over.
The officer walks up to the car and asks, "do you know how fast you were going."
The electron replies, "Yeah, but now I'm lost."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter
a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"d**... I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"
A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)
The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"
Who are the world's fastest readers?
The 911 victims. They went through 50 stories in a minute.
I'm so sorry
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walked into a bar.
Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.
They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...
But I can only walk so fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am s**... bomber AMA
Wow this blew up fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you c**...''
Who were the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
What's fast and can breathe underwater?
Not a toddler, I can tell you that
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....
"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?
Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
A teacher asks a student..
Teacher: I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to answer fast. Got it?
Student: Yes teacher.
Teacher: What is 2+2?
Student: FAST!
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
I saw a black man running down the street with a TV
I was worried it was mine so I drove home as fast as I could, when I got home I was relieved to find mine was still there...brushing the front porch.
What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?
By selling your camera.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was m**... when I heard some one scream "Help".
So I came as fast as I could.
What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?
Exit the European Union.
What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist?
By selling your guitar.
Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?
If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
Two friends are visiting Wales
Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.
They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."
The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in just a few seconds
Don't ever invest in snowboarding.
That sport is going downhill fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was o**... bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?
kids blow up so fast
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...
It downloads Chrome twice as fast!
Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day
Got up too fast after watching the third film
What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?
Lo Ping
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
life is like a box of chocolates....
it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.
But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the f**..., Emily".
If you want to impress a girl...
...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- s**...?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, d**..., any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.
What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?
Step 1: become a billionaire.
Step 2: buy an EA game.
The fastest way to quit being vegan is...
Cold turkey
The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen
So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.
What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?
All their Walkers are dead
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
