JokoJokes

Fast Car Jokes

134 fast car jokes and hilarious fast car puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fast car that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Fast Car Short Jokes

Short fast car jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fast car humour may include short fast and furious jokes also.

  1. Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they're getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars Ah sorry, spoilers
  2. A guy gets pulled over for speeding The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says "Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day."
    The guy replies "Well, I got here as fast as I could".
  3. I wanted to see how fast I could drive my new car down Main Street. I managed to hit 60 before getting pulled over. Most of them survived with only minor injuries.
  4. What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn? "Sorry, gotta go fast"
  5. I heard the next Fast and Furious movie is going to have these fins on the back of the cars.... ...Oops, spoilers.
  6. The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day.
  7. I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies... Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...
    Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers.
  8. What came first the car or the wheel? The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.
  9. A police officer pulls over a speeding car.. The cop said to the driver, "Ha! I've been waiting for someone like you all day!".
    The driver replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
  10. My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it... While I was parallel parking.

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Fast Car One Liners

Which fast car one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fast car? I can suggest the ones about race car and fast.

  1. Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
    A: Fast food!
  2. What do you call an Indian in a fast car?? Curry in a hurry!!
  3. What do you call a car that can go super fast, but only every now and then? A spurts car
  4. When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?
    When it's on the train.
  5. My new car is so fast... My new car is so fast, they had to make the tail lights white.
  6. I like my women like I like my cars Fast, loud, used off craigslist.
  7. Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
    A: Fast food!
  8. What do you feed a car to make it slow down? Break fast
  9. I'm not a racist, but... My car does go pretty fast.
  10. He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
  11. A Tesla roadster now isn't just a fast car,
  12. Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car? Because he got an award for revvin' it.
  13. What does a fast car say when it has to go to the bathroom? Off to make skid marks.
  14. I like my women like i like my cars.... ... fast, expensive and t**....

Great Fast Car Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about fast car you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sports car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fast car pranks.

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Chuck Norris uses an air bag... in order to protect the inside of his car in case he stops too fast.

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend.
It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour.
Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride.
The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast."
No problem the man thinks.
They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright.
Sure enough, the light changes and they're off!
Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept:
"Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What’s so weird about that?" asks the other cops.
The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!"

"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."

Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.

How long will I live doctor?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of s**...?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said........,
Then, why do you even give a s**...?'

3 old lady's

3 old lady's are driving in the car. Two in the back and one driving. The lady driving notices that there is a cop with sirens on trying to pull them over. So they pull to the side of the road. As the officer approaches them he doesn't look surprised. The officer says to the women driving. Mam do you know how fast you were going there? She says yes I was going 15 mile per hour. The officer shakes his head and told the lady no mam I think you are looking at the freeway sign that says "highway 15". The women said oh no! the officer looked back at the two women in the back and saw that the to women are shaking and scared. The officer asks what's wrong with them? And the women says oh, we just got off the 125.

So there was a competition between polices...

(...) and the three finalists on this efficiency competition were: Interpol, FBI and Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad.
The last assignment was really simple. They should retrieve a small rabbit after being released in a jungle. The group doing it in less time wins.
First went Interpol, with a few agents, smart interrogation techniques, good wits and in 15 minutes they were back with the rabbit.
Next the FBI invaded the jungle with helicopters, infra-red goggles, fast cars, etc., and in 10 minutes they were back with the rabbit.
Last the Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad started the chase only with an old and rusty SUV, to come back with only 5 minutes passed. They showed a poorly dressed, beaten up, bruised black teenager dressed as a rabbit screaming: "I'm a rabbit, I swear I'm a pretty white bunny!"

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driving her car. The blonde cop says "You were going pretty fast back there. Can I see your license?"
The blonde driver looks confused.
The blonde cop says "Its a little square thing with your picture on it"
The blonde driver reaches in her bag and hands the cop her makeup mirror.
The cop takes the mirror, looks at it and exclaims "Well why didn't you tell me you were a cop? On you go. Have a great day".

A hippy with a bicycle that has a broken chain walks on the side of a road.

A man in a Porsche pulls up next to him and offers him a ride. They try to fit the hippy's bike into the trunk of the man's Porche, but as it is a typical sports car, the trunk is too small for the bike. Then the man has an idea. He says to the hippy, "I have some rope in my trunk, you can tie it to your bike and I'll drive you along. If I'm going to fast, just honk the horn on your bike." The hippy agrees to go along with it and they ride a few miles down the rode. The man in the Porsche pulls up to a stop light next a man in a Lamborghini. They start revving their engine and a race is about to ensue. The light turns green and the man in the Porsche completely forgets about the hippy tied to his car and starts racing the Lamborghini. They're racing and start reaching 80, 90, 100 m.p.h. They pass a cop and when the cop calls the race in he says, "Dispatch you'll never believe what I just saw. I saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the road at 100 miles per hour, and a hippy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass them."

Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.
Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out.
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

Quantum humor is so random

Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replied, No, but I can tell you exactly where I was. Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger replied, I do now.

The Pink Gorilla

An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"

His Limo Driver

The pope is visiting the US, at the airport a huge black limo is waiting and the driver opens the door for him. The pope can't take an eye from the car and asks if - for this special occasion and only for a few miles - he could be the driver. Surprised by this unusual request the driver, after some discussion about driving carefully, finally agrees. So the pope enjoys driving down the highway and soon he forgets about speed limits and he is driving as fast as he can. A nearby police car notices the speeding limo and finally the pope gets pulled over. The officer, after taking a quick look at the driver, rushes to call his boss. "Sir, I have a difficult situation here, I have a speeding limo but I think we might have caught someone high up and don't know what to do." "So, who is it? The governor?" "No Sir, higher up" "Someone from the white house?" "I think much higher, Sir!" "Who can possibly be higher up than the president?" "I don't know Sir, but, you see, the pope is his driver!"

A man is driving his new mustang

home from work one day. He spots an incredibly obese man sitting on the curb next to a bicycle, breathing heavily. He stops and asks the man what's wrong. The man said that his doctor told him he needed to excersise and lose some weight. As he could barely run he decided to ride his bike. However, on his first day out he had ridden to far from home and couldn't make it back.
The man has time before he needs to be home so he says"I have a rope in my car I can pull you home. If I get going to fast ring this bell and I will slow down."
When they have only gone a little ways down the road a camaro pulls up next to the mustang. As camaros and mustangs are wont to do they race. A police officer spots them and radios to his partner "I've got a mustang racing a camaro" to which his partner replies alright I'll stop them." The first officer replies"its not them I'm worried about its the three hundred pound guy on a bike ringing a bell to get them to pull over so he can pass that has me concerned."

A blonde, brunette, and a red head...

So a blonde, brunette,and a red head are each forced to kill their husbands and dispose of the corpse. They all kill their victim and have the responsibility of disposing of the body so they all throw the body in the trunks of their cars. Now, they each have to drive to the location where they can safely dispose of the body. The red head gets in her car and decides she'll drive in the left lane since that's the fast lane, so she can go fast, get to the location quickly, and dispose of the body. A cop pulls her over for going too fast, she gets a ticket but gets back on her way to get rid of the body, no problem. Brunette gets into her car decides she'll drive in the right lane since that's the lane with slower traffic, to not look suspicious. Cop pulls her over for driving too slow and impeding traffic, gives her a ticket but she continues on her way, no problem. Blonde gets into her car decides to drive in the HOV lane since she never sees anyone there it'll be a smooth ride to the location. Cop pulls her over for driving in the HOV lane with only person. Cop writes her a ticket for that, blonde reads the ticket and says "No, officer, I'm not the only person in the car I have my husband in the trunk.
Made it up myself not the best but I think it is OC

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?

Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor)

Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: "Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?!"
Heisenberg looks at him and replies: "No, but I can tell you *exactly* where I am."

Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news)

A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he'd been drinking beer and watching "The Fast & the Furious." Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber."

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.
"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"
Moments later, another car speeds ahead.
"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"
Then once more, another car rushes ahead.
"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"
Then they reach their destination.
"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

A blonde woman in a sports car is cruising down the highway...

...when she gets pulled over by a police car.
Who should step out of the police car but a female, blonde cop.
The cop walks up to the blonde in the sports car and says Hi. I noticed you were going a little fast back there. Can I see your driver's license?
The blonde grabs her purse and rummages around for a minute and then looks at the cop and says um, what does it look like?
The cop says It's a little square thing and it has your picture on it.
The blonde looks back in her purse and spots a little square compact mirror. She pulls it out and looks at it. Sure enough, right there in the middle is her face.
She hands it to the police officer. The cop takes a look at it and immediately hands it back.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're free to go. I didn't know you were a cop.

A penguin takes a road trip

A penguin decided to take a road trip. Halfway through, his car breaks down and he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 minutes to diagnose the problem, so the penguin decides to walk around a bit and check out the small town. It's hot out, and being a penguin, he's used to cooler weather, so he stops and buys himself a huge ice cream cone. He's eating the ice cream as fast as he can as he's walking around, but it's hot out, and a lot of it melted all over his hands and face. 20 minutes go by, and he heads back to the mechanic. When he gets there, the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal", and the penguin says "Nah, man, that's just some ice cream"

Jacques and Pierre

Jacques was driving much too fast on the highway with Pierre in the passenger seat. Jacques looked down for a second to change the radio station and hit a pothole. The car was sent hurtling towards the roadside trees, and crashed into a particular large one. Both Jacques and Pierre were ejected from the car.
Jacques came to surrounded by emergency responders, the first thing he asked was, "Where is Pierre?" The responders didn't know because they did not know another person was in the vehicle.
"You must go look for him!" exclaimed Jacques, concerned for his friend. So as Jacques was being treated on scene, a few responders went into the woods to search. A minute or two later, one of them walked out looking grim, and holding a decapitated head in his hands.
He goes up to Jacques and says, "I'm sorry to have to do this sir, but is this your friend Pierre?"
Jacques shook his head, saying "Can't be. Pierre is much taller than that!"

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are traveling in a car.

They get puled over by a cop. The cop asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am." The officer becomes suspicious, so he asks to check the trunk. He looks inside and asks, "Did you know that there is a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger replies, "I do now."

Physics Joke!

Heisenberg is speeding along down an unfamiliar highway when all of a sudden a police car appears seemingly out of nowhere and signals for him to pull over.
The officer approaches the car and asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were just going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, sir. Why?"
The officer says, "Well, sir, you were speeding, and I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
Heisenberg, annoyed, asks, "Is this really necessary? I'm going to be late to work!"
The officer replies, "Well, I'm sorry to have to hold you up, sir, but you were driving incredibly irresponsibly! According to my radar gun, you were going exactly 90 miles per hour, which far exceeds the speed limit."
"Thanks a lot, j**...," Heisenberg yelled, "I'll be even later now that I'm COMPLETELY LOST!"

Heisenberg & Schrodinger

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding along in Schrodinger's car, a police man pulls them over and asks the driver, Heisenberg, if he knows how fast he was going, to this Heisenberg replies
"I do not know how fast I was going, because I know exactly where I am"
After this weird answer the policeman decides to search the car, he opens the boot and asks if Schrodinger knows he has a dead cat in his boot, Schrodinger says "Well I do now"

A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...

...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the r**.... I'm married.

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...

The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"

A Wife new to Learning driving.. Awesome Joke!

A wife just learned how to drive, and today is excited about her first time driving to work in her new car.
A bit later, her husband woke up and turn on the local news, which was talking about a crazy car driving in an insanely fast speed in the opposite direction of the traffic. The husband started to get a little worried, so he called his wife on the cell, "Sweetie are you okay?".
Wife: "Honey, ya I am fine - just driving to work. What's the matter?!"
Him: "Oh nothing, never mind, it is just that the local news was talking about one car driving opposite to the traffic so I was calling to make sure you are okay!"
Her: "No I am fine.. And ya.. tell me about it.. it is not just one car, it is all the cars.. and it has been driving me nuts this morning!!!"

Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a s**... bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The first woman shook her head sadly. "Kids these days. They blow up so fast."

Heisenberg and Schrodinger get pulled over

Got this off Facebook:
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

A penguin is driving along in his convertible on a very hot day...

when it suddenly breaks down. He has it towed to a shop where the mechanic says it will be at least a couple hours while he finds the problem. The mechanic tells the penguin that he can go to a nearby diner to get out of the brutal heat.
The penguin goes into the diner and decides to order a bowl of ice cream to cool off. He dives right in and makes a real mess of himself. He orders another bowl and eats it so fast he's wearing most of it. There's melted ice cream all over his face.
Finally, the penguin pays his bill and heads back to the shop. The mechanic looks up from the penguin's car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal!" The pengiun says, "Nah, it's just ice cream."

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a cop pulled her over...

The cop walks over to her car and says, "Excuse me ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"
"Yep" she replied, clearly frustrated
The officer sighed and said, "I'm gonna need to see your license and registration."
The blonde looks at him angrily and says, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!?"

Birthday Joke full funny

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.
" So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window.
"Hey, Buddy, didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car about a quarter-mile back?"
The man said to the cop: "Thank God, I thought I went deaf."

Life of Riley.

A man says to his friend: 'I used to live the life of Riley; fast cars, beautiful women and holidays in the Carribean.'
His friend asks: 'What happened?'
His reply: 'Riley reported his credit card missing.'

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

There's a new Fast & Furious ride at Universal Studios

I really hope I don't get Paul Walkers car

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."

An electron is speeding down the highway when a police officer pulls him over.

The officer walks up to the car and asks, "do you know how fast you were going."
The electron replies, "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

What do you call playing a woodwind instrument and eating fast food while driving an f1 car?

What do you call playing a woodwind instrument and eating fast food while driving an f1 car? A McClarenet.

A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway.

A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway. After hours of waiting, he finally sees a car speeding down the highway towards him. He clocks the car at nearly double the speed limit, quickly pulls him over and walks up to the driver.
Cop: "I've been waiting for someone like you to come around all day, boy."
Driver: "Well I'm sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could!"

Two Christians are lost in a desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help.
After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other.
David: I'll pretend I am a Muslim so they will give me food and water!
Michael: I don't care I am a proud Christian and I will not pretend to be someone else just for food.
As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's a Muslim and Michael says he's Christian.
So the Muslims get water and food fast for Mike and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... "You know it's Ramadan, right"!

Two Christians are lost in an Arabian desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend my name is Mohammed so they will give me food and water! Michael: I don't care I won't change my name for food! As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's Mohammed and Michael says he's Michael. So the Muslims get water and food fast for Michael and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... "You know it's Ramadan, right?"!

Recent studies were done to see if cheetahs can drive as fast as smart cars.

The results were catastrophic.

I don't know what made me feel more fat

That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.

A rich snail goes into a car shop...

He picks out a super fast car and says, "I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, "Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, 'Wow! Look at that escargot!'"

In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins?

The mortician

A snail was tired of always being so slow...

... So he got a really fast car, and had a big 'S' painted on each side of it.
Every time someone saw him zipping around in his car, they would say, "Hey, look at that S-car go!"

"Nonsense" my mother replied when I told her I had a car made of tagliatelle..

You should have seen the look on her fast as I drove pasta

I have seen the Fast & Furious 8 spoilers....

There are high spoilers and low spoilers. Depends on the cars they are driving.

A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...

Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."
The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."

2 men were lost in the desert

Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their t**... were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.
Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.
Man 2: You go ahead and do that. I'm not gonna lie.
They reached the mosque and met the imam. The imam greeted them and asked what were their names.
Man 1: My name is Abdullah.
Man 2: My name is Thomas.
The Imam turned to his assistant as told him, "Give Brother Thomas some food and water. Brother Abdullah will break his fast with us at 7.28pm."

Venus Williams was pulled over by a cop for speeding.

He walks up to her car and says "do you know how fast you were going?"
She says "40 love"

A cop car pulls over Heisenberg as he's driving on the highway...

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Officer: Well, you were going EXACTLY 100 mph.
Heisenberg: Great! Now I'm lost!
Shout-out to my physics professor for making the Heisenberg uncertainty principle less boring today.

Werner Heisenberg is driving down a highway...

...when he sees a police car is flashing its lights at him. He pulls over, and so does the cop. The cops gets out, taps on Heisenberg's window, he rolls it down.
"Sir," the cop asks, "do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," Heisenberg replies, "but I know where I am."

Stuck Behind Traffic

A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,
Cop: You were going to fast.
Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?
Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.
Police 1: Really?
Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk
Police 1: is that everything?
Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment
[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]
SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle
[ the man steps out and the police search the car]
SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...
Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!

It's my wife's birthday

And all she ever want was a fast car. Something to get her old heart pumping. She always hated me because i couldnt afford her nice things. She demanded that I get her something that can go from 0 to 200 faster than anything she's ever seen. Otherwise she would leave me. On the morning of her birthday I told her to go check the driveway. She went out and all she saw was a cardboard box. Furious, she questioned what it was. I told her to open it. Inside was a brand new scale.

jokes about fast car