Farts Jokes

What are some Farts jokes?

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"


Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

If a king farts...

Is it considered a noble gas?

How does Justin Bieber remove his condom after sex?

He farts.

What do farts and children have in common?

You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

What do you call someone who never farts in public?

A PRIVATE TUTOR

A German and a jew walk into a bar...

The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

Why do Farts Smell so Bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."

A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"

"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

Girl farts at the dinner table

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:

-Rocky!! be careful now!!

Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:

-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and quite a few slipped out. I mean, yeah, they were silent, but the smell was just awful. They stank up the room! And I know that everyone knew that the smell was coming from me. I was mortified. I can't control it. It's a real problem. In fact, Doc, even in these few minutes I've been talking to you, I've let several of these silent emissions go. I really need help."

"No problem," says the doctor, "the first thing we're gonna have to do is get your hearing checked."

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them

I heard that drake insists on lavender scented condoms...

...So his farts don't stink

An elderly lady goes to her GP complaining about her flatulence

She tells him that although she farts many times each day, it's more of a nuisance than a real problem.

"What do you mean?" Asks her doctor.
"Well," says the old lady, "they're silent and they don't smell."

The doctor writes a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

When she returns she says, "I don't know what you gave me doctor! I still fart all day and although they're still silent, they now stink the place up!"

The doctor nods and says, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, I'll see what I can do about your hearing."

Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator?

"No, how does it work?"
"Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."

Farting all the time

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"

How does a sailor remove a condom?

He farts

Sixty-nine (NSFW)

One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.

Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.

After getting into position, the man is really enjoying the new position when the prostitute accidentally farts.

Old man: What was that?
Prostitute: That was nogthing. Just keep going.

So they carry on a little longer until she lets another one really rip. This time the old man gets her off him and wants out.

Prostitute: What's wrong? Weren't you enjoying it?
Old man: I don't think I can handle another 67 of those.

A joke my mommy told me :)

Once there was a woman sitting in the doctor's office, complaining of incessant gas. She says to the doctor.

"I've been having silent farts all day. I had one in the harris teeter, one in church and...um, one right now."

The doctor replied, "I think you need to get your hearing checked."

Sex advice from Janet Reno

Hillary Clinton is having lunch with Janet Reno at Chipotle one day. She complains to Janet that Bill is just insatiable in bed, and sometimes wishes she had a way to deflect him.

Janet tells Hillary that whenever a she needs to fend off amorous advances, she farts as loudly as she can, and that tends to do the trick.

Hillary thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it.

That night, Hillary is lying in bed with her back to Bill's side. Bill saunters in at full mast, and just as he is lifting the covers, Hillary releases the black bean fury she had been saving since lunch. Bill, aghast exclaims "Janet?! Is that you?!"

A man goes to his doctor about his terrible farts

"Doctor, I have terrible gas. I keep making these weird farts: they are constant and really loud but they don't smell."
So the doctor says: "Alright, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."
A week later the man comes back.
"Doctor, these pills have just made the farts worse! Now they are the foulest things I've ever smelt in my life!"
"Great, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can start to work on stopping your farts."

-----
This was my grandpa's favourite joke. He was a big fan of fart humour.

What do you call a person who only farts when he's alone?

A prive tutor!





I'll get the door on my way out

What do you call an Egyptian Pharaoh who rarely farts?

Toot-uncommon!

Problem with Gas.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." 
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. 
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" 
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Why doesn't the queen's farts smell?

Because it's a noble gas.

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69

Paddy's never done it before so Mary says she'll show him.

She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him.
As she's lowering herself down she farts. Apologizing, she tries again and farts again.

Paddy jumps up and storms out, yelling "I'll be fooked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of em!"

Farts are like kids.

You love yours, but other people's are unbearable.

What does it smell like when a cow farts?

Dairy-air

2 Egyptians noticed their farts smelled the same.

They had a Tutankhamen.

What's it called when a visiting teacher farts?

A substitoot

Kids are like farts

You only accept them if they're yours

Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts.

It's called flatulence.

Sorry, I'm a dad.

I know I'm getting old because...

I'm having dry dreams and wet farts

Always hated how at weddings the old family farts would cuckle and say "It's your turn next time.."

So I started telling them the same at funerals

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they go back to her place...

When they get inside, the girl asks the guy if they want to 69. The guy is a country boy come to the city, and has no idea what that is.

"Well, you put your head between my legs, and I put my head between yours."

The guy thinks this sounds fun, so he agrees.

They head to the girl's bedroom, disrobe, and get in bed. But right as the guy gets his head between her legs, she accidentally farts.

He pulls back and gasps: "Agh! What was that?" Embarassed, she tells him to keep going and try again.

Just as he gets his face between her legs, she accidentally farts again. The guy retches, stands up, grabs his clothes and starts to leave.

"Wait!" The girl yells, "Where are you going?"

"Ma'am, if you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy."

If a clown farts...

... does it smell funny?

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife.

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

"What did you do?" asked his wife.

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

English Class

A teacher was at the front of her 1st Grade English class. She points out a girl at the front of the class. She asks "Suzie, can you use 'Definitely' in a sentence, please?". Suzie says - "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher replies "The sky can be grey or black, but good try". Johnny at the back of the class raises his hand. "Miss, do farts have lumps?" The teacher was completely baffled replied "No Johnny, why?"

"Then I definitely pooped my pants"

Fart Cure

A lady walks into a doctors office. She says, " Sir I have a serious problem. I dont know when it started, but I lost control of my farts. Fortunately it doesnt sound or smell at all, but I fart all the time. You must have not noticed, but I already farted about 5 times since I walked into your office.

Doctor, silently listening, finally stood up and gave her few pills.
"One of these every day should fix you up in a week."

A week passed, and the lady returned.

She says angrily," I thought the pill was supposed to cure me, but it just made it smell horribly!"

The doctor, surprisingly happy with the result, says, "All right, lets move onto your ears then."

The royal baby only farts neon;

It's a noble gas.

A man farts in public in a small city...

He is so embarrassed that he leaves the city. 10 years later he thinks well, it has been a long time and nobody remembers what I did... It's time to go back home. He is back and meets a kid. Asks him how old he is. The kid answers I don't know but everybody says that I was born the same year Joe farted.

What's Invisible and Smells Like Mice?

Cat Farts...

How to make Farts jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Farts to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Farts? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Farts pick up lines to share with friends.

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