farts Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious farts puns

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

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A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

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"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"


Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

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Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

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Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

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Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

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A woman teaches her virgin boyfriend.....

about sex. She suggests some 69 and has him lay down with her on top. As she starts sucking him, she lowers her pussy to his face and accidentally farts. Embarrassed, she jumps up and says they should try again. As soon as she squats on his face, she farts again. The guy then says: Can we try something else? I don't think I can take 67 more of these.

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Silent farts

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

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"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

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If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend that nothing happened.

Noble Gases shouldn't have a reaction.

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(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

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If a king farts...

Is it considered a noble gas?

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How does Justin Bieber remove his condom after sex?

He farts.

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What do farts and children have in common?

You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

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A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

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Know what relationships and farts have in common?

If you have to force it, it's ~~probability~~ probably crap.

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Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

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A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

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What do you call someone who never farts in public?

A PRIVATE TUTOR

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A German and a jew walk into a bar...

The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".

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An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

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Why do Farts Smell so Bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

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A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."

A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"

"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

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'Definitely'

So there's this teacher and she's teaching her students how to use the word 'definitely' correctly. After lecturing for a while the teacher asks the students if anyone can give a correct example.

One student raises her hand: "The sky is definitely blue!"

"Well no because the sky can be grey or cloudy" the teacher replied.

Another student raises their hand: "Grass is definitely green!"

"Well no because grass can die and turn brown"

A student raises his hand to ask a question: "Are farts lumpy?"

Confused the teacher replies, "No, why?"

And the student says "Then I definitely just shit my pants"

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Use Definitely In a Sentence...

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants..."

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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"

"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"

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So, I'm in the stall of a public bathroom...

...And this guy comes in. First thing he does is belch extremely loudly. Twice. Walks to the urinal, starts obnoxiously banging his fist on the wall; I guess trying to make some sort of shitty beat. Farts, finishes, and leaves. No washing his hands or anything. All I can think is "Wow, I don't understand how someone could be so gross: Especially in a public place." So, I finish masturbating and get the hell out of there.

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Girl farts at the dinner table

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:

-Rocky!! be careful now!!

Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:

-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!

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A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and quite a few slipped out. I mean, yeah, they were silent, but the smell was just awful. They stank up the room! And I know that everyone knew that the smell was coming from me. I was mortified. I can't control it. It's a real problem. In fact, Doc, even in these few minutes I've been talking to you, I've let several of these silent emissions go. I really need help."

"No problem," says the doctor, "the first thing we're gonna have to do is get your hearing checked."

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Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them

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I heard that drake insists on lavender scented condoms...

...So his farts don't stink

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Little Johnny

The teacher asks the class if anyone could use "definitely" correctly in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher replies "Well grass can be green, but can also be brown. Anyone else?"

Little Stephanie raises her hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies "Well the sky can be blue, but can also be gray. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks "Are farts lumpy?"

The teacher replies "No Little Johnny, and that doesn't have the word "definitely" in it."

Little Johnny says, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

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An elderly lady goes to her GP complaining about her flatulence

She tells him that although she farts many times each day, it's more of a nuisance than a real problem.

"What do you mean?" Asks her doctor.
"Well," says the old lady, "they're silent and they don't smell."

The doctor writes a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

When she returns she says, "I don't know what you gave me doctor! I still fart all day and although they're still silent, they now stink the place up!"

The doctor nods and says, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, I'll see what I can do about your hearing."

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Do farts have lumps in them?

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."

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What are the most funny Farts jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Farts? Well, here are the best Farts dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Farts pick up lines to share with friends.

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