Farted Jokes

Following is our collection of Farted funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Farted jokes

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me

It's not my fault they don't have Windowsο»Ώ

George stops at red light...

A beautiful blonde stops just beside him.
George pull down his window.
She also pull down her window.
George smiles and asks with a grin on his face " you also farted?"

I farted in front of a Jewish friend

He got offended but i said " c'mon a little gas never killed anybody"

Two pharaohs farted at the same time.

They had a toot in common.

Today I was on the bus and I farted, four people turned around and looked at me.

Felt like I was in The Voice.

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."

A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"

"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

Four gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

When a condom floats up to the surface.
One says, "Who farted?"

I farted in front of my female friend..

She got mad and I said "what?! a little gas never hurt anyone"

Apparently you cant say that to a Jew...

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

Did you hear about the teacher who never farted in class?

It turns out she was a private tooter.

An old woman goes to the doctor...

and talks to him about a problem she is having.

"I have a terrible time with gas. Luckily, they are silent and scentless. In fact, I've farted several times while I've been here. While it isn't ruining my day to day living, it is terribly embarrassing."

The doctor thinks a minute and prescribes her some medicine. "This should help. Come back in a week."

She starts taking the medicine, and a week later she returns distraught.

"Doctor, the problem has gotten much worse! Now when I pass gas, it smells awful!"

"Okay. Now that we've cleared out your sinuses, we can take care of your hearing..."

Farting all the time

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"

Made this joke up when my son was 3. Still his favorite

Once there were three fish who lived in a market. Their names were Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Green Fish.

One day the Red Fish said to the Blue Fish: "Hey, I think that Green Fish is stinky."

The Blue Fish said: "You're right, that Green Fish is stinky."

And the Green Fish said: "Sorry guys, I farted."

************


It's dumb, I know, but it still makes both of us laugh.

A bunch of gay guys are sitting in a hot tub...

They see some sperm floating around, and one guy asks "ewwww who farted?"

A guy is out looking for a hooker for the night...

...one of them offers him a 69. He'd never heard of this sex act before, so he decides to hire this lady and try it out.

They got to his house, got undressed and started the foreplay. They then got into the 69 position and began pleasuring each other, unfortunately the hooker got too excited and farted right in his face.

Disgusted, the man got up and started getting dressed and said "Christ, if you think I'm going to put up with another 68 of them you must be mad!"

The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

Which number farted?

Two did.

Problem with Gas.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."Β 
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.Β 
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"Β 
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

An old lady goes to the doctor

Says I don't really have a big problem, I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. As a matter of fact I farted four times while sitting here talking to you

Dr. Gives her some pills and says come back in a week

A week later the lady shows up and says not sure what you gave me, I'm still farting, but now they are really loud and it's quite embarrassing

Dr. Says good, now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sinuses

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God's assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who farted in the room.

Farted in front of my Jewish boss today.

He wasn't impressed.
It's not like a little gas ever killed anyone.

An elderly couple was sitting in a church...

An elderly couple was sitting in a church and the woman turned to her husband and said "I farted silently, what should I do now?"

The husband replied, "You need to change the batteries for your hearing aid"

Fart Cure

A lady walks into a doctors office. She says, " Sir I have a serious problem. I dont know when it started, but I lost control of my farts. Fortunately it doesnt sound or smell at all, but I fart all the time. You must have not noticed, but I already farted about 5 times since I walked into your office.

Doctor, silently listening, finally stood up and gave her few pills.
"One of these every day should fix you up in a week."

A week passed, and the lady returned.

She says angrily," I thought the pill was supposed to cure me, but it just made it smell horribly!"

The doctor, surprisingly happy with the result, says, "All right, lets move onto your ears then."

3 men get onto a plane

One is English, one is French and the other is German.

The English man drops a stone, the french drops a knife and the German drops a bomb

When the English man gets back his Dad is in the garden crying. He asks why. His Dad says "Me and your Mother were gardening when a stone dropped from the sky and killed her.

When the French man gets back his Dad is in the garden crying. He asks why. His Dad says "Me and your Mother were gardening when a knife dropped from the sky and killed her.

When the German man gets back his Dad is in the garden Laughing. He asks why. His Dad says "I farted and Steve next door exploded!!!"

I farted in Apple and they kicked me out

It's not my fault they don't have windows

What did one Egyptian say to the other Egyptian after they both farted?

Hey we have a toot in common.

A man farts in public in a small city...

He is so embarrassed that he leaves the city. 10 years later he thinks well, it has been a long time and nobody remembers what I did... It's time to go back home. He is back and meets a kid. Asks him how old he is. The kid answers I don't know but everybody says that I was born the same year Joe farted.

Four naked guys are sitting in a hot tub.

All of a sudden, a condom floats to the surface. After a few seconds of stares and silence, one of the guys asks, "Alright, who farted?"

How does a blacksmith know you farted?

He smelt it

I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

It is said that Bill Gates once farted in an Apple store which stank up the entire place.

But after all, it's their fault for not having Windows.

I thought I was on The Voice this morning

I farted on the bus and four people turned around.

What did the Pharaoh say to his buddy when they both farted?

It looks like you and I Tutankhamun

5 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

When all of a sudden a condom comes floating up.

One of them laughs and asks okay guys seriously, who farted?

So three gay guys are sitting in a jacuzzi....

A condom them floats up from the bottom of the jacuzzi. At that point one of them says, "Who farted?"

because when the king farted no one laughed?

because noble gases do not cause a reaction

Why did the apple Tech get fired?

He Farted and then to get rid of the smell he tried opening windows..

I once farted in an Apple Store...

I once farted in an Apple Store. They got mad at me and I said it's your fault, you don't have windowsο»Ώ

An elderly lady goes to see the doctor about her flatulence.

Doctor, can you please help? I pass wind all the time. They don't smell, they don't make a sound, but I've farted three times already since coming in here.

The Doctor prescribes some tablets and asks the lady to return in a week.

Doctor, help! My gas has gotten worse! They still don't make a sound but now they stink, it's disgusting!

The Doctor replies, Good, we've fixed your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing.

An Egyptian guy and I were hanging out one day...

We both farted at the same time. We have a toot-n-common

Johnny came home from school feeling very proud of himself, his mum says Johnny why are you so happy? Johnny replied I got a question right that no one else could answer, mum says what was the question? Johnny replied.

Who has farted?

So my girlfriend farted...

And she said, we've got to get Trump on the line, I'm Pootin.

What happened when the king farted?

Nothing, noble gases don't cause reactions

3 guys are on a plane

First guy throws out an apple and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land.

Second guy throws out an orange and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land.

Third guy throws out a grenade and the other two ask why and he says to see where it would land

So they go to find their stuff they first see a boy crying and ask why he is crying and he says an apple hit his head so they move on.

They then come across a girl crying and ask why she is crying and she says an orange hit her head so they move on.

They come across a boy laughing and ask what's so funny and he says grandpa farted and the house exploded.

3 gay men resting inside a jacuzzi

Then suddenly a condom floated...


The 3 gay men looked at one another seriously.


Gay man 1: Ok,Which one of you farted?

What did one Egyptian guy say to the other when they farted next to each other?

We have a Tutankhamun!

When I went to church today I farted

So I sat in pew

What did water say when ice farted?

Ice melt it.

How can you tell if a fly has farted?

It flied straight for a moment

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."

the doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it.

I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly.

My wife just farted and I don't think I can be married anymore

Just an astute observation.

A loud fart is heard, and everyone in the coffee shop is subjected to a putrid stench

A guy then approaches a gay man, and angrily accuses "I know you're the person who farted."

Insulted by the accusation, the gay man defends himself.

"I did not! You're accusing me just because I'm gay; you homophobic pig." the gay man retorts.

The man yells back, "Pig? Your condom hit my face!"

What did the mummy say to the other mummy when they farted at the same time?

"Looks like we had a Tutankhamen."

An English man ,a Scott's man ,and an Irish man got on a plane.

The English man had a brick the Scott's man had a knife and the Irish man had a bomb.
Midway through the flight the English man dropped his brick and when he got home he found his mother crying in the garden. He asked what is wrong and she said your dad was sitting in the garden and it hit him on the head.
The Scott's man dropped his knife and when he got home he found his mother crying. He asked what is wrong and she said a knife hit him on the head.
The Irish man dropped his bomb and when he got home he found his dad laughing in the garden. He asked why are you laughing dad and he said I farted and the neighbors house blow up.

I keep swallowing live ammunition.

I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home.

A group of men from San Francisco were skinny dipping...

When a Condom floated to the surface

"okay guys, who farted?

Did you guys hear about the Pharaoh that rarely farted?

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

Three gay men are in a bathtub together and a condom floats to the top. Two of them ask...

"Okay, who farted?"

I farted on my mother-in-law and everyone around us could smell it but her.

That's one upside of being in a coffin.

An elderly woman asked a young man if he wanted to try 69.

Out of curiosity, he agreed.

Whilst they were doing the deed, she accidentally farted. Embarrassed, she apologised, and they continued.

The same thing happened a short while later, and the woman apologised again, to which the young man replied:

"No can do lady, I ain't gonna wait for the other 67!"

What happened to the guy who farted in church?

He sat in his own pew.

Today, in math class,

I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted.

Loudly.

So I walked into an apple phone store...

And I farted, the people working there got mad at me and I said,"it's not my fault you don't have any windows"

I farted in an apple store.

Not my fault they didn't have Windows.

What did the Storm Trooper say when he farted in church?

"Pew, pew."

I farted on the bus the other day

4 people turned around. For a moment there it felt like I was on The Voice

Once Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear had upset stomachs.

They went to the doctor who gave Papa Bear a big dose, Mama Bear a medium dose, and Baby Bear a little dose, and asked them to come again the next day.



The next day, the doctor asked them about the condition of their stomach.



Papa Bear said, "Me very thankful, me did a tankful."

Mama Bear said, "Me very grateful, me did a plateful."

Baby Bear said, "Me broken hearted, me only farted."

So I farted at the Apple Store

and when I looked around I noticed everyone looking at me. It was horrible. A man yelled, "OPEN A WINDOW". The Apple Genius came over and said "Sorry Sir we don't have any Windows here".

An elderly lady goes to the doctor...

DR: Yes madam, how can I help you?
EL: Well Dr, I can't stop farting. However it's not that bad because they are odorless. In fact, I've farted 3 times already since walking into your office.
DR: Take one of these pills every day for a week and come back to see me.
One week later...
EL: Dr, what on earth did you do to me? I still fart as much as before but now they stink terribly.
DR: Ok, now that we have cleared up your nose we can do something about your farts.

Chuck Norris farted once.

He did it in the Sahara forest.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes