Fart Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.

*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

What do you call a Hooker's fart?

A prosti-toot.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

An old couple is sitting in church

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."

"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

a private tooter.

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

What do you call a guy who does not fart in public?

A private tutor.

It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

Old couple in church...

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'

I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful

An elderly couple are sitting in a church

The man lets out a silent fart while the priest is talking.

He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent fart, everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"

His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"

What do farts and children have in common?

You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

I farted in front of a Jewish friend

He got offended but i said " c'mon a little gas never killed anybody"

An elderly couple was sitting together in church...

The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

Old lady in a fancy restaurant leans over to her hubby and says , I've done a silent fart what should I do?

Husband says 'change the batteries in your hearing aids

A woman turns to her husband sitting in church one Sunday morning and quietly says,

I've just let a silent fart. What should I do?

Her husband leans over to her and replies, Get a new battery for your hearing aid.

[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a Fridge?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

You should never fart in an elevator

It's wrong on so many levels

A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

Confucius say, man who fart in church.

Sit in own pew.

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor (tooter)

Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.

A virgin goes to a brothel for his first time.

The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."

He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge fart, right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.

A few minutes later, she rips another fart, bigger than the first one.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."

Why do Farts Smell so Bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."

A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"

"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

an old lady goes to the doctor complaining she is farting all the time

But at least they are silent and without any smell.

he gives her a pill and tell her to come back in a week.

after a week she returns and tells him "i still fart a lot but now they smell awful!!"

the doctor tells her "great... now that we fixed your smelling issue, lets address your bad hearing"

i am so so sorry.......

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.


A new boyfriend is having dinner at his new girlfriends house. He walks in shakes hands with everybody, and then they sit down and begin eating. A few minutes into the meal, the boyfriend realizes that he really needs to fart, really badly. He quickly glances around, and notices the family's dog, Duke, is sitting right next to him. He takes advantage of his good fortune, and quickly let's out his fart. Everyone at the table stops eating, looks up, and says, "Duke!" Relieved, the boyfriend begins eating again.
Several minutes later, the boyfriend realizes that he has to fart again. Luckily, Duke is still by his side, so he once again quickly let's his fart go. "Duke!" the family cries once again. The boyfriend is now very pleased with himself that he is blaming Duke for the farts, and not getting blamed himself.
Several minutes pass, and once again, the boyfriend decides that he needs to let one rip. The boyfriend once again releases his fart, and in reply the family shouts, "Duke, get away from him before he craps on you!"

Classic church joke

An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.

After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!

What do you call it when a king rips a fart?..

Air to the throne.

I farted in front of my female friend..

She got mad and I said "what?! a little gas never hurt anyone"

Apparently you cant say that to a Jew...

What's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind?

One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them

Please, don't fart in the lift...

It's wrong on so many levels.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesnt fart when i pull my meat out

Why did the skeleton burp?

Because it didn't have the guts to fart.

An elderly lady goes to her GP complaining about her flatulence

She tells him that although she farts many times each day, it's more of a nuisance than a real problem.

"What do you mean?" Asks her doctor.
"Well," says the old lady, "they're silent and they don't smell."

The doctor writes a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

When she returns she says, "I don't know what you gave me doctor! I still fart all day and although they're still silent, they now stink the place up!"

The doctor nods and says, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, I'll see what I can do about your hearing."

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'm staying right with you!"

She then let out a little toot and said, "That must be a field goal. 17-14 my lead!"

Not to be outdone by his wife, the husband pushed as hard as he could to win this game. Unfortunately, he pushed too hard and shat the bed.

His wife asked, "What the heck was that?"

"Half time. Switch sides."

An older couple is sitting in church

when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says

"I just let a silent but deadly fart loose. What should I do?"

The husband replies

"Get your hearing aid checked."

Farting all the time

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"

An elderly man moved into a nursing home.

After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart."

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

"You are the wind beneath my wings."

If you fart and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

why did the fart lose the race?

because everyone passes gas

An elderly couple was sitting in church...

when the wife leans over and tells her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

The man replies, "First thing you should do is adjust your hearing aid."

What are the funniest fart jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Fart? Well, here are the best Fart puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Fart pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes