Farmhouse Jokes
32 farmhouse jokes and hilarious farmhouse puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about farmhouse that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Farmhouse Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What is a good farmhouse joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
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President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.
**TOWN AND COUNTRY**
The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.
It must be on account of that red blouse you've got on, miss, answered the farmer.
Dear me! exclaimed the girl. Of course, it's out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.
(From the London Journal, July 2nd, 1904)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The mailman
A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.
He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"
The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"
A bus carrying 53 politicians rolls off a cliff....
A farmer sees what happened and buries all the politicians.
Two hours later there are 100 reporters at the farmhouse to interview the poor fellow. One reporter asked him - did you make sure they were all dead before burying them?
The farmer replied - the truth is, some of them said they were still alive, but I know never to trust a politician!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great
From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student r**... in 1955.
>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.
>"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"
I saw this one reposted here earlier this week..
A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..
And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A travelling salesman
A travelling salesman's car has broken down. It's late at night, so he walks to the closest farmhouse and asks to stay there for the night.
\- You can spend the night, but you'll have to share the room with my 17-year-old son, says the farmer.
\- F#c**.... I'm in a wrong joke.
Man gets lost in the countryside
Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l
A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.
A woman opens the door, and the man explains he's with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.
Let's see, says the woman, There's Timmy and Tammy; they're 4. There's Molly and Holly; they're 8. There's Terry and Larry; they're–
The census worker cuts her off, wide-eyed. You mean to tell me, he says, that you got twins EVERY time?!
The woman laughs and says Oh goodness, no! There was hundreds of times we didn't get anything!
Roosters
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.
The man somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.
Suit yourself, the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A city child came running into the farmhouse.
“No wonder that mama pig is so big,” she yelled.
“There’s a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!”
Three legged pig.
A farmer had a three legged pig, his friend asked him why the pig only had three legs. The farmer told him that he was a remarkable pig. One time when I was plowing the back forty, the tractor fell on me and the pig dug me out with his snout. Not only that, another time the farmhouse caught on fire and the pig broke the bedroom window, woke my wife and me up and saved our life! His friend was impressed, but asked him what that had to do with the pig only having three legs. The farmer told him, well, when you have a remarkable pig like that, you just can't eat him all at once
The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods.
The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods, because she had something they wanted. She managed to evade them till she saw the lights of a farmhouse, where she found a strange man muttering about "people's indifference to him before he put on the mask".
Crazed though this man might be, she ran towards him, praising God and the angels for her good luck. As she got closer, he stepped into the light, and raised his walkie-talkie with a cruel smile and said, "Dwayne, this is Tom. I've got her."
Too late, she realised she was caught between a Rock and a Hardy place.
There was a father mole, a mother mole and a baby mole
that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse. One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said,"Mmmm, I think i smell pie cooking!"
The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, "Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger moles to stick his head outside the hole, but couldn't, because he was much smaller.
Frustrated, the baby mole said out loud, "The only thing i smell are molasses."
A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down.
He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.
Sure, said the farmer, my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they're off to college, and I'm all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.
The farmer called after him, Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.
I heard you, said the salesman, but I think I'm in the wrong joke.
Hit a rooster
A traveling salesman was driving through farm country. He took his eye off the road for a second, then all of a sudden "WHAM!" -- he ran over a rooster crossing the road.
He stopped the car, got out, confirmed the rooster was dead, and saw a nearby farmhouse. He drove up to the house, knocked on the door, and an old farmer answered. The salesman said, "I was driving past and I think I accidentally ran over your rooster. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm more than willing to replace him."
The farmer looked puzzled for a minute, and finally shrugged his shoulders and said "Suit yourself. The hens are around the back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.
Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...
So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:
Jesus! What did you tell them?
What you told me to;
"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
What happened to you? asked Hillary.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
My God, what did you tell them? asks Clinton.
The driver replies, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig!
A man notices a pig with a wooden leg
He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road
one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
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