Farmers Feed Jokes

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.
The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

An elderly man in Saskatchewan.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

The Watering Hole

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Skinny dipping in your neighbors pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

Fast thinking old man

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim n**..., or to make you get out of the pond n**...."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast!

The Farmer and The Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator…"

Old men think fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you
get out of the pond n**....
Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator…

The homeless man and the farmer.

A homeless man is traveling from town to town and sees a farm, he finds the farmer and asks if he can work for some money. The farmer being a nice and charitable man agrees. He says, "clean out the horse stables, feed the pigs, and collect the eggs from the hen coop, and I'll give you 50$ when you're done." The homeless man agrees, and gets to work. He cleans out the horse stables no problem, feeds the pigs in record time, and collects all the eggs without breaking a single one. As he's walking back to tell the farmer he had finished, he sees a cow tied to a tree. He decides to milk the cow to show how grateful he is to the farmer. The man has some trouble milking the cow, as he had never been on a farm or milked a cow before, but he finally succeeds and gets a bucket's worth. The man decides to try the milk, straight from the t**.... he takes a drink, thinks it has a funky taste, but insists that's how it must taste straight from the source. So eggs and bucket in hand, the homeless man finds the farmer and says "I cleaned out the stables, fed the pigs, and collected all the eggs, and boy do you have a stubborn cow!" The farmer gives him a funny look and says "we don't have a cow... We have a *bull*..."

The old Man's Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

So a biologist, engineer and physicist are called to help make a dairy farm more efficient...

The biologist tells the farmer that he should feed the cows certain hormones to make it lactate more. The farmer asked how much it'll cost and the biologist says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The engineer proposes to make a better milking machine to get more milk per cow. The farmer asks how much it'll cost and the engineer says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The farmer then asks the physicist how much his idea will cost. The physicist say "It'll cost nothing and can be implemented immediately!" The farmer was astonished and ask how this is possible. The physicist responds, "Now assume a spherical cow....."

Skinny Dippers

A farmer in Maine was just finishing up a tough day in the Summer Sun. He decided that after such a tough day the perfect thing he needed was a walk around his pond. The blueberries were in full bloom so he decided that it was worthwhile to pick some up for breakfast the next day, so he grabbed a bucket.
As he approached the lake he heard some girls laughing and giggling. Fortunately for the girls they saw him force and quickly retreated to the deeper waters. As he noticed them he smiled to himself. There were three gorgeous girls covering themselves - *skinny dippers* he thought to himself.
"We're not coming out until you leave!" One of the girls shouted at him.
He frowned and furrowed his brow. "Honestly, I didn't come down here to see some n**... girls or anything of the like. I don't care if you stay in there or leave." He lifted the bucket slightly. "I'm just here to feed my pet alligator, Bill."

The latest thing in the world of chickens.

A guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a chicken darts into the road ahead of him. He swerves to miss it but is pretty sure he hit it. When he looks in the rearview mirror, though, he doesn't see the chicken. When he looks back forward, he sees that the chicken is running ahead of the car! Since he's doing about 40 mph, this astounds him. He decides to follow the chicken.
Down the road a bit, the chicken turns down a dirt lane and then runs into a barn yard, where a farmer is scattering feed to hundreds of free-range chickens. He then notices that all of the chickens have four legs! Incredulous, he asks the farmer what the deal is with the four-legged chickens.
"Well," the farmer replied, "I noticed that people really like their drumsticks and there are never enough to satisfy everyone who wants one at the dinner table. So I spent years breeding a four-legged chicken so that everyone who wants a drumstick could have one."
"That's brilliant!" said the man. "What do they taste like?"
"Don't know." answered the farmer. "Never been able to catch one."

My British fathers signature Dadjoke

There once were two neighbouring farms, and the two farmers who lived there like many farmers would always adhere to their daily routine.
Every morning at 9 am after feeding all the livestock, they would arrive at their mailboxes at exactly the same time to collect their newspaper and have some smalltalk before heading back up the long road to their farms.
Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"
Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"
Farmer Brown : "I heard you had a sick cow last week"
Farmer Joe : "Oh I did all right, a very sick cow"
Farmer Brown : "Well what did you give it?"
Farmer Joe : "Turpentine"
and so they went on their way
A month or so goes by and they meet once again
Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"
Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"
Farmer Brown : "I had a sick cow yesterday and I tried turpentine like you said. It died."
Farmer Joe : "yeah mine too"

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm....

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm and is receiving a tour from the farmer,as they approach the first field full of horses the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the farmer.
He walks upto a horse and says "so hows things on the farm?"
Throwing his voice and pretending to be the horse he replies "Yeah,not bad the farmer feeds us well and looks after us"
The farmer is absolutely speechless by this,
The ventriloquist walks off towards the next field which is full of sheep,
The farmer immediately runs after him in a state of panic shouting "DONT LISTEN TO THEM THEY ARE ALL LYING b**...!!"....

Ron, an elderly man in Florida...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**...."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies

Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**...."
Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

a farmer interviewed about his two white and black cows

reporter: what do you feed the cows?
farmer: the white or the black one ?
- the white one.
- hay.
-and the black one?
-also hay.
- where do they sleep?
-the white or the black one?
- .....the white one!
- in the barn
-and the black one ???
- also in the barn.
-!!!?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK WITCH ONE IM REFERRING TO IF THE ANSWER IS THE SAME FOR BOTH OF THEM??
-oh please forgive me but the WHITE one is mine.
-and the black one??
-also mine.

The new bull

A farmer recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, he had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave him some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all his cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the neighbor's cows!
He was like a machine!
The farmer said he didn't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .. but they kind of taste like peppermint.

One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...

One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."