The Best 53 Farmer Wife Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Farmer Wife jokes. There are some farmer wife couple jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these farmer wife english wife puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Farmer Wife Jokes and Puns

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm.

He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:

"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Farmer Wife joke

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

The Farmer

A Farmer, carrying a sheep under one arm, storms into his bedroom where his wife is in bed, quietly reading.

The farmer stares his wife directly in the eyes and yells "THIS IS THE PIG I HAVE SEX WITH WHEN YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!"

The farmers wife looks him up and down and states " Thats a sheep, not a pig"

The farmer replies "I WASNT TALKING TO YOU!!"


The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

Farmer Wife joke, In the divorce court today

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'

'Yep'

'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'

'Arr'

'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'

'No'

'Then you're Gay!'

A farmer is drinkin' in his barn one night...

and decides to go wake his wife. He grabs a goat and heads up to their barn loft, wakes her up, and says "Hey! This here's the pig I've been fuckin' ". She replies, "But Earlie, that there's a goat.." "I was talkin' to the goat!"

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"

"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.

So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.

Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.

"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.

The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.

"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

You can explore farmer wife pig reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean farmer wife darling dad jokes. There are also farmer wife puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A farmer walks into his bedroom with a pig under one arm.

He looks at his wife in bed and says,
"Well, this is the cow i've been sleeping with for the last 5 years."

"I think you'll find that's a pig", she replies.

To which the farmer says,

"I think you'll find i was talking to the pig."

A farmer, a sheep, a pig, and a wife

A farmer walks into his house with a baby sheep tucked under his arm, looks at his wife, and says "honey, this is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not around."
The confused wife looks at the farmer and says "honey, that's not a pig, it's a sheep", to which the farmer responds, "honey, I wasn't talking to you."

In light of Valentine's Day

My girlfriend's mom told this joke and I thought it was worth sharing with you guys.

Q: What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?

A: hogs and kisses

An farmer walks in to a lawyer's office in Alabama...

And he says to the lawyer, "Sir, I'd like to get a divorce."

To which the lawyer says, "Well, do you have a suit?"

"Yes, I sure do", the man replies. "Wear it to church every Sunday."

"That's not what I mean. Do you have a case?"

"No, you see I've always been a John Deere man myself. Never had a Case in my life."

"Sir, do you have any issues with your wife. Did she cheat on you, is she a niggard?"

To which the farmer replies, "No, but the baby is. And that's why I want a divorce."

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia

... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.

Farmer Wife joke, After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia

Did you hear about the farmer who's wife left him?

She left him a "John Deere" letter

A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed

The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.

The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.

Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman.

She wrote him a John Deere letter.


Did you hear about the wheat farmer that got sent to jail?

His wife *bailed* him out.

A farmer had a champion bull that bred 200 times a year.

His wife said "200 times? isn't that wonderful dear? maybe you ought to watch him, maybe he show you how."
the farmer said " oh he's a heck of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.

17 years ago, on 20 Dec 1999, a Portuguese farmer was reading the newspaper before tending to his fields and work

His wife walks in the door and quickly glances at the newspaper. "Honey," she says, "We lost one of our animals."

The farmer says nothing.

She asks him, "Where's Macau?"

You old fool!

A farmer goes into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. His wife, in bed, looks up from her National Enquirer. She has curlers in her hair and green face cream all over her face.

The farmer says, "Sweetheart, this is the pig I sleep with when you won't give me what I want."

The wife rolls her eyes and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."

The farmer replies, "You old fool, I wasn't talkin' to you!"

What does a farmer care more about than his wife?

His hoe

My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.

He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her I paid for them."

How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN

Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife?

He fired them.

A farmer received a birthday present from his wife. It was a brand new sickle.

Upon receiving the gift, he quickly became exscythed.

The Farmer had an ill-tempered Donkey.

The donkey would refuse to plow the fields and would kick any anyone that came close to him. One unfortunate day, the donkey kicked the farmer's wife, who died from the blow. During the funeral, thousands of men showed up from all over the province. Feeling amused, a neighbor asked the farmer, "Thats a lot of men paying their respects. Was your wife popular back in the day?"

The farmer bursts out laughing and says, "No, they're here to buy the donkey!"

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

Why did the farmer's wife file for divorce?

She came home to see him plowing with a hoe.

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; I think he's having a Caesar!

The end of the world

I was out walking this morning and was passed by a guy riding a tractor on the road. As he passed me he was screaming "It's the end of the world, the end of the world I tell you"
When I got home I told my wife about him and she said it was probably Farmer Geddon.

That's the spirit

A pastor goes to the local farmers market
There a boy is selling dam fish
The boy tells the pastor to buy some of his dam fish. The pastor calls him out on his language, but the boy explains that he caught the fish at the local dam. The pastor buys some me and goes home. When his family is having dinner he tells his wife to pass the dam fish. His son says that's the spirit dad now pass the fu!!ing potatoes.

A farmer walks in to his wife in his bedroom carrying a sheep.

"This is the pig I've been sleeping with"

"That's a sheep, you idiot"

"I wasn't talking to you"

An assassin was apprehended for murdering a farmer's cow with the trinkets he had stolen from the farmer's wife's china cabinet.

It was the first recorded case of a knick knack paddy whack.

What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly.

What a surprising turnip event.

*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.

What does the farmer's wife tell him when he tells her that he's to afraid to grow vegetables?

Just grow a pear!

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in the car.

"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.

"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow
She reaches down between his legs and says yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand .

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team in Washington state was tracking the migrations of crows. They trapped a number of crows, tagged them with the code WASH. BIOL. SURV. together with a box number, and released them.

Some weeks later they received a letter from an up-country farmer, reading as follows:

"Dear sirs. Yesterday Ah shot wun of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instrucshens, she washed it, bioled it an surved it.

"It was the worst thing we ever et."

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm....

He says: "This is the pig I have to have sex with when you're away."

His wife says: "Actually I think you'll find that's a sheep."

He says: "Actually I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.

The man walks back to the car and gets in.

"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.

"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!

The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife.

Eventually he fired them all.

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!

The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife

She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, "Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?" The farmer's wife said, "Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can."

A farmer goes to his wife and says...

You know, if you were a real, real woman you'd give milk and we would 't need cows!

She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.

Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn't need farm hands!

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: what God has joined let no man put asunder. The groom interrupted: what's asunder?

The preacher said apart. The farmer said a part of what? Apart from your wife said the now frustrated minister. The groom said shit! I already got a part from her.

A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year.

The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."

A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm...

He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"


For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."


The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."

A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor

Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.


-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see anything in here! says the doctor.
To which the farmer says:


-No doctor I'm outta here, I think the lantern attracts them!


*Enjoy a poorly translated Romanian joke

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the farmer wife dead wife jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working farmer wife dumb wife piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes