Farmer Jokes

170 farmer jokes and hilarious farmer puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about farmer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy a collection of hilarious farmer jokes about farm life, farmer weddings, farmer birthdays, farmer and wife, farmer tans, farmer cows, farmer Christmases, growers, and other agricultural topics. Laugh with your friends and family at the delightful sheepdog, cow, and pig jokes.

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Funniest Farmer Short Jokes

Short farmer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The farmer humour may include short farm boy jokes also.

  1. "I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
    "What did you say?" said the farmer.
    "You herd me."
  2. If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
    hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
  3. Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
    1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
  4. Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day? He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
  5. What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool ranch.
    (Written by my 9 yo daughter).
  6. A farmer asked me for help with his chickens He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"
    I said "Sure... 90."
  7. TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
  8. A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
  9. Why do farmers put bell on their cows? Because their horns don't work.
    (From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)
  10. There are 3 farmers, let's call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine? Farmer C

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Farmer One Liners

Which farmer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with farmer? I can suggest the ones about farming kid and farms.

  1. A farmer had 196 cows in his field When he rounded them up he had 200
  2. A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear Ahh Migraines!
  3. How did the farmer find his wife? HE tractor DOWN
  4. If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
  5. Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
  6. What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
  7. A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep I said 'Sure, seventy'.
  8. What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer? Cool Ranch
  9. Why did the farmer get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  10. How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
  11. Why did the farmer fire the DJ? Because he kept on dropping beets.
  12. How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.
  13. How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
  14. How can you identify a good farmer? He's out standing in his field.
  15. Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade? He had a bison.

Farmer Cow Jokes

Here is a list of funny farmer cow jokes and even better farmer cow puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
  • I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
  • A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
  • Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
  • How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He browses through a cattlelog.
  • Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
  • A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
  • How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
  • So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
  • A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.

Farmer And Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny farmer and wife jokes and even better farmer and wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
  • Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman? She wrote him a John Deere letter.
  • *Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals? Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.
  • The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife. Eventually he fired them all.
  • In light of Valentine's Day My girlfriend's mom told this joke and I thought it was worth sharing with you guys.
    Q: What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?
    A: hogs and kisses
  • The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman. She wrote him a John Deere letter.
  • A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground His wife runs over and screams; I think he's having a Caesar!
  • What does the farmer's wife tell him when he tells her that he's to afraid to grow vegetables? Just grow a pear!
  • A farmer walks in to his wife in his bedroom carrying a sheep. "This is the pig I've been sleeping with"
    "That's a sheep, you idiot"
    "I wasn't talking to you"
  • A farmer received a birthday present from his wife. It was a brand new sickle. Upon receiving the gift, he quickly became exscythed.
Farmer joke, A farmer received a birthday present from his wife. It was a brand new sickle.

Old Farmer Jokes

Here is a list of funny old farmer jokes and even better old farmer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An old grape farmer There was once an old grape farmer who had went through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried, all he could've said was "Everything happens for a rasin"
  • What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.
    (Original joke from my 10-year-old son).
  • Did you hear about the kidnapping down the road? His mother woke him up for lunch.
    Source (Told to me 30 yrs ago by an old farmer on my paper route.)
  • An old southern farmer is out one day with his dog repairing a fence row when suddenly part of it bursts into flames.. Wow I did not expect this post to blow up.
  • How does a farmer access the internet? With Old Macdonald's free wifi.
  • Did you hear about the 8-year old dairy farmer? He had to repeat 3rd grade because he was a slow churner.
  • The old farmer hates when the horses neigh at night. The weird noises give him night-mares
  • What do you call a gay farmer? Jolly Rancher
    Sorry if this is a repost, I'm new and heard this joke from an old friend of mine.
  • What's the best part about marrying a farmer? You get to grow old together.

Farmer Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny farmer wife jokes and even better farmer wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the farmer who's wife left him? She left him a "John Deere" letter
  • What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly. What a surprising turnip event.
    *This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.
  • Did you hear about the wheat farmer that got sent to jail? His wife *bailed* him out.
  • How to make a farmer cry? Kill his wife and child
  • Cuckers are like farmers But instead of plowing fields they plow your wife
  • what did the cucumber farmer say when his wife found him cheating? "Well, isn't this a pickle"
  • What does the German wheat farmer say to his wife in the morning? Gluten Morgen!
  • Why couldn't the farmer stop laughing at his wife? He just found out the true meaning of "MooMoo".
  • What does the farmer say to his wife when he's feeling s**...? Brown Chicken Brown Cow
  • Why did the farmer's wife file for divorce? She came home to see him plowing with a h**....

Farmer Wedding Jokes

Here is a list of funny farmer wedding jokes and even better farmer wedding puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why was the melon farmer forced to have a large, expensive wedding? Because he cantaloupe.
Farmer joke, Why was the melon farmer forced to have a large, expensive wedding?

Charming Humor Farmer Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about farmer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gardener jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make farmer pranks.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Reggie, Joe, and Chuck

There was once a farmer who had three teenage daughters. On prom night, a young boy rang his doorbell.
**Reggie:** My name's Reggie, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to go eat some spaghetti, is she ready?
He told his Betty that someone was there to pick her up and they left.
A while later, there someone else rang the doorbell.
**Joe:** My name's Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, we're going to watch a show, is she ready to go?
So he told Flo and they left.
A bit later, there was yet another boy at his door. He said:
**Chuck:** My name's Chuck...
And the farmer shot him.

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"

A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

The old Man's Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

That pig is a hero.

One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"
"Oh, no problem there, he s**... every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"
"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"
"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

A caring son

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "
"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "
"Under the wagon. "

Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help

He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting

Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

A farmer walks past a tombstone that says: Here lies a lawyer, an honest man, a man of integrity.

The peasant crosses himself and says scared: "Blessed v**..., three men buried in the same grave!"

A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed

The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.
The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.
Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.

Young Chuck

One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.

A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...

A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."

What's the difference between m**... Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?

m**... Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.
The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.
"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.
"40" said the border collie.
"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."
The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"

Turned out it was Farmer Geddon

The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his m**... crop.

The steaks were high.

A man asks a farmer near a field,

A man asks a farmer near a field, Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.
The farmer says, Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one.

A sheepdog

.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
*"All 40 accounted for"*
*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer
*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*

A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little f**...!'"

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?

Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of m**... on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

How do farmers get the party started?

They turnip the beets.

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
But God does not exist, replies Stalin.
Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.

The sheepdog says: "I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!"
"You sure you got them all?" The farmer replies.
"Yep! All 40 of them!" Says the sheepdog.
"40? But I only have 37 sheep." Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: "I know. I rounded them up for you."

Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"
Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer

You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch

What's the difference between a female farmer and h**...'s girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem

All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he's out standing in his field

Farmer and Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farm hand how many chickens were left.
16 chickens, sir.
Alright, round them up, please.
20 chickens, sir.

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.
"Did you see the plane c**...?" asked the EMTs.
"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.
"None of them survived?"
"Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is."

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm....

He says: "This is the pig I have to have s**... with when you're away."
His wife says: "Actually I think you'll find that's a sheep."
He says: "Actually I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

Farmer joke, A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man c

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