farmer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious farmer puns

A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An ugly girl grabbed my butt today....

...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"

I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was in a bar.

A man was in a bar when an ugly girl came up to him, squeeze his ass and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

"Do you have a pen?", he asked.

"Yes.", she answered.

The man shot back, "Well, then you had better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number. I looked at her said, Have you got a pen. She said, I sure do." I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Got a pen?

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old heifer (a woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do." I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

My dental surgery is this Friday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer asked me for help with his chickens

He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"

I said "Sure... 90."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear

Ahh Migraines!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this!
The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

That pig is a hero.

One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

Gluten tag

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cows

How does a farmer count cows?

On a cowculater :D:D
(ya its crap)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep

I said 'Sure, seventy'.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?

Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help

He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A sheepdog

.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

*"All 40 accounted for"*

*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer

*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.

Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.

Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead &
Vultures circling over it's head.

Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this!

The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout,
let them land...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Farmer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Farmer? Well, here are the best Farmer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Farmer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes