Farmer Cow Jokes

98 farmer cow jokes and hilarious farmer cow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about farmer cow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Farmer Cow Short Jokes

Short farmer cow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The farmer cow humour may include short farmer jokes also.

  1. TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
  2. A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
  3. Why do farmers put bell on their cows? Because their horns don't work.
    (From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)
  4. A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
  5. I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
  6. Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
  7. Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
  8. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
  9. So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
  10. A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.

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Farmer Cow One Liners

Which farmer cow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with farmer cow? I can suggest the ones about cattle farmer and farmer wife.

  1. A farmer had 196 cows in his field When he rounded them up he had 200
  2. How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
  3. A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
  4. How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He browses through a cattlelog.
  5. How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
  6. How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day
  7. Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry.
  8. Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body? It was a jersey
  9. Why was the farmer angry? Because his cows put him in a bad moooo'd.
  10. A farmer has 96 cows. When he rounds them up, he has 100. Title
  11. The farmer told me to round up the cows. I said I can't, there's only 4
  12. A farmer counted 196 cows in the pasture. But he rounded them up and had 200.
  13. A cow and a farmer had a fight One dinner together later there was no more beef.
  14. How did the farmer move his cows? In a mooving van!
  15. How did the farmer find his lost cow?
    He tractor down.

Farmer Cow Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about farmer cow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dairy cow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make farmer cow pranks.

Berry good

Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberries. So one farmer says Mrs. Thompson, do you put cow manure on your strawberries. She replied, No, I either eat them plain or add sugar and cream.

What did the farmer say when the townspeople told him all of his cows were in town..?

I herd.

This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"

Mad Cow Disease

There are two cows out in the pasture, watching as the farmer takes a prize bull behind the barn to shoot it.
The first cow looks at the second one and says "Can't believe Joe came down with mad cow disease. Are you scared we might get it too?"
The second cow looks at the first cow with a puzzled look and says "Why should I be scared? We're ducks."

A Blonde A Brunette and A Redhead trespassed onto a farm

later a farmer came to chase them out so they all went hiding in the barnyard. The redhead hid with the pigs and said "oink" "oink", the brunette hid with the cows and said "moo" moo", and the blonde hid under a potato sack and said "potato" potato"

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

What did the farmer say after he fed his cows p**...?

"the Steaks are high."

Who Hasn't Read The Grapes of Wrath?

Farm boy John takes the cow to the neighboring farm which has a bull to have her inseminated. The neighboring farm also has neighbor farmer's daughter Sally. John and Sally put the bull and the cow in the same pasture and sit on the back porch and watch as nature takes its course. This gives John ideas so he turns to Sally and says, "I sure wish I was doing that". And Sally says, "Why don't you, John? It's your cow".

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?
this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a pig under one arm.

He looks at his wife in bed and says,
"Well, this is the cow i've been sleeping with for the last 5 years."
"I think you'll find that's a pig", she replies.
To which the farmer says,
"I think you'll find i was talking to the pig."

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"

The bull

A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?
EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic
"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

"Time to try the udder one."

A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...

A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."

Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?

...because he was a moo-slim.

A farmer was worried when he counted only 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, much to his relief, he had 200.

The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his m**... crop.

The steaks were high.

A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little f**...!'"

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the s**...t

when a m**... plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the p**... calling the cattle black"

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of m**... on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

A farmer had a champion bull that bred 200 times a year.

His wife said "200 times? isn't that wonderful dear? maybe you ought to watch him, maybe he show you how."
the farmer said " oh he's a heck of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.

How does a farmer count his cows?

With a COWculator...
But, what if they all have babies?
Then he MOOtiplies them!
Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth...

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned... he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.
Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she reached 200 cows. When he asked her how they were getting different numbers, she said
"I rounded them up."

I can't decide what to buy for my farm?

Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?
Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.
Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!

A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.

A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
Don't worry, Grandpa, says the boy helpfully, she can't have gone very far with an empty tank.

The Great Cow Escape

A group of cows who were no longer producing the required amount of milk were scheduled to be butchered. They had a long discussion the night before, and decided to try an escape. They used cow mannequins to fool the farmer and snuck out successfully. It was an elaborate plan filled with bravery and heroism. Proving true, once again, that drastic times call for plastic heifers.

A Rich Farmer Said;

Boy if you can get my cow to hit that joint, I'll give you $10,000
The steaks were high.

I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.
It must be on account of that red blouse you've got on, miss, answered the farmer.
Dear me! exclaimed the girl. Of course, it's out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.
(From the London Journal, July 2nd, 1904)

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

If a farmer keeps telling the same joke over and over again to a cow

Would you say he's milking it?

I bought a cow last week...

The old farmer who sold her to disclosed that only 3 out of the 6 teats produced milk. I brought home and went to milking only to find that he lied and not a single t**... produced milk! It was an udder failure.

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow
She reaches down between his legs and says yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand .

A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his w**... field

Dinner that night was high steaks

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')
The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'
The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more

I went to ask a farmer for help

"I'm having lots of issues with a flock of cows"
"Heard of cows?"
"Yeah of course I've heard of cows there's a flock of them over there"

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

One farmer asks another

\- "Are your cows smokers?"
\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"
\- "Then your barn is on fire."

What does the farmer say to his wife when he's feeling s**...?

Brown Chicken Brown Cow

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accidents, don't hurt each other, don't get tangled into branches or fences or simialr. We do that by either sawing them off of putting a drop of acid on the horns when they are still young so they don't grow. But those particular cows don't have horns because they are horses."

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen
**farmer:** round 'em up
**me:** ok twenty

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

A little boy walked up to the farmer watching over cows in his field.

Boy:wow! Would you look at that bunch of cows!
Farmer: Herd
Boy: Heard of what?
Farmer: Herd of cows
Boy: Of course I've heard of cows
Farmer: No, a cow herd
Boy: what do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.
(No punchline but my dad used to say it every time we passed cows on road trips and it still makes me smile)

A farmer goes to his wife and says...

You know, if you were a real, real woman you'd give milk and we would 't need cows!
She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.
Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn't need farm hands!

OC Dad joke

Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it's going to be rainy weather.
When all of the cows are sitting down, it's going to be sunny weather.
What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?
Partly Cowdy.
You're welcome.

The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows

I said yeah - that's 20 cows.

A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year.

The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said "Yeah... he's a h**... of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."

I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of b**... !

There's two cows talking in a field.

The first one says, "Did you hear the farmer just bought a new tractor?" The second cow is about to reply when a dog walks up and says, "What's up, ladies?"
The first cow says "Holy s**...! A talking dog!"

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."

Studies show that cows produce more milk...

when the farmer talks to them.
It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

What Did the Farmer Say When the Cow Ate his m**...?

The steaks are high right now

p**... and m**... take a short cut home across a farmers field

p**...: "Ahhh, m**... look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"
m**... says: "Herd of Cows, p**...... Herd of Cows"
Mildly infuriated, p**... replies:
"Of course I've heard of Cows, m**...: there's a b**... flock of them in the next field!!"

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.
Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.
"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

What did the f**... cow say to the farmer who fed him?

Gassy a**...