Farmer Cow Jokes
98 farmer cow jokes and hilarious farmer cow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about farmer cow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Farmer Cow Short Jokes
Short farmer cow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The farmer cow humour may include short farmer jokes also.
- TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
- Why do farmers put bell on their cows? Because their horns don't work.
(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.) - I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. - Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
- So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
- A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.
- One farmer asks another \- "Are your cows smokers?"
\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"
\- "Then your barn is on fire." - The farmer asks a neighbour to help him round up his 18 cows. OK, so twenty of them, the neighbour says and turns back home.
- What did the farmer say when the townspeople told him all of his cows were in town..? I herd.
- I went to ask a farmer for help "I'm having lots of issues with a flock of cows"
"Heard of cows?"
"Yeah of course I've heard of cows there's a flock of them over there"
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Farmer Cow One Liners
Which farmer cow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with farmer cow? I can suggest the ones about cattle farmer and dairy cow.
- How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
- How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He browses through a cattlelog.
- How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
- How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day
- Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry.
- Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body? It was a jersey
- Why was the farmer angry? Because his cows put him in a bad moooo'd.
- A farmer has 96 cows. When he rounds them up, he has 100. Title
- The farmer told me to round up the cows. I said I can't, there's only 4
- A farmer counted 196 cows in the pasture. But he rounded them up and had 200.
- A cow and a farmer had a fight One dinner together later there was no more beef.
- How did the farmer move his cows? In a mooving van!
- How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down. - What do you call a good looking daughter of a milk cow farmer? One Fine Dairy Heiress
- What did the farmer say to the chocolate cow? Get to the back of the meat grinder!
Farmer Cow Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about farmer cow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean farm animal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make farmer cow pranks.
Berry good
Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberries. So one farmer says Mrs. Thompson, do you put cow manure on your strawberries. She replied, No, I either eat them plain or add sugar and cream.
This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12
Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"
The homeless man and the farmer
A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"
Mad Cow Disease
There are two cows out in the pasture, watching as the farmer takes a prize bull behind the barn to shoot it.
The first cow looks at the second one and says "Can't believe Joe came down with mad cow disease. Are you scared we might get it too?"
The second cow looks at the first cow with a puzzled look and says "Why should I be scared? We're ducks."
A Blonde A Brunette and A Redhead trespassed onto a farm
later a farmer came to chase them out so they all went hiding in the barnyard. The redhead hid with the pigs and said "oink" "oink", the brunette hid with the cows and said "moo" moo", and the blonde hid under a potato sack and said "potato" potato"
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who Hasn't Read The Grapes of Wrath?
Farm boy John takes the cow to the neighboring farm which has a bull to have her inseminated. The neighboring farm also has neighbor farmer's daughter Sally. John and Sally put the bull and the cow in the same pasture and sit on the back porch and watch as nature takes its course. This gives John ideas so he turns to Sally and says, "I sure wish I was doing that". And Sally says, "Why don't you, John? It's your cow".
help me figure out this riddle!
a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?
this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words
The bull
A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."
Another blonde joke
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are hiding from a farmer in a barn.
The brunette hides in a horse stable.
The red head hides behind a cow.
And the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes.
As the farmer walks up to the stable the brunette says "neiiigh". He goes to the cows and the red head goes "mooo". The blonde hears this and as the farmer approaches her corner of the barn she says "potato potato potato"
What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?
"Time to try the udder one."
A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...
A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?
...because he was a moo-slim.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"
The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little f**...!'"
Have you heard the one about the suicidal farmer that liked to mutilate cows?
He was a danger to himself and udders.
What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch?
Moo Mitch, get out the hay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the s**...t
when a m**... plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the p**... calling the cattle black"
A farmer had a champion bull that bred 200 times a year.
His wife said "200 times? isn't that wonderful dear? maybe you ought to watch him, maybe he show you how."
the farmer said " oh he's a heck of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.
Who came first, the sheep or the cow?
Depends on who the Welsh farmer fancies the most.
What did the farmer say when he dropped off all his cows at the slaughterhouse?
"It smells *offal* in here!"
Farmers cows are out
A hefty woman at the bar approaches a man and asks, can i get your number?
The man replies, sure do u have a pen?
She responds, yeah here ya go.
He concludes, alright well you better tell the farmer to put you back in it and lock it.
Why did the farmer give the cow a pumpkin?
He wanted to squash his beef.
I can't decide what to buy for my farm?
Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?
Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.
Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!
A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
Don't worry, Grandpa, says the boy helpfully, she can't have gone very far with an empty tank.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police were called to the scene of a m**...
A man escaped a mental hospital and stole some porcelain figurines. Later that night he snuck into a farmers field and used them to beat a cow to death with them.
It was the first documented case of a nic-nac patty wack
The Great Cow Escape
A group of cows who were no longer producing the required amount of milk were scheduled to be butchered. They had a long discussion the night before, and decided to try an escape. They used cow mannequins to fool the farmer and snuck out successfully. It was an elaborate plan filled with bravery and heroism. Proving true, once again, that drastic times call for plastic heifers.
Farmer - the other day I saw a baby cow jump over the fence
Me - you know, it's all in the calves.
A Rich Farmer Said;
Boy if you can get my cow to hit that joint, I'll give you $10,000
The steaks were high.
What did the vet say to the farmer about his terminally ill cow?
It'll beef alright
why did a cows get slaughtered by a farmer
because they had beef
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.
**TOWN AND COUNTRY**
The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.
It must be on account of that red blouse you've got on, miss, answered the farmer.
Dear me! exclaimed the girl. Of course, it's out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.
(From the London Journal, July 2nd, 1904)
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An assassin was apprehended for murdering a farmer's cow with the trinkets he had stolen from the farmer's wife's china cabinet.
It was the first recorded case of a knick knack p**... whack.
If a farmer keeps telling the same joke over and over again to a cow
Would you say he's milking it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Buddy Hackett duck joke
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old f**.... Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought a cow last week...
The old farmer who sold her to disclosed that only 3 out of the 6 teats produced milk. I brought home and went to milking only to find that he lied and not a single t**... produced milk! It was an udder failure.
A blonde was touring a farm...
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife
He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow
She reaches down between his legs and says yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A milk thief goes into a barn
He finds a suitable cattle, and tries to milk it. Eventually he resorts to s**... on the udder, and eventually gets a spurt of gelatinous, salty milk. The farmer enters to see the man spitting it out, before the man remarks about the disgusting milk.
Farmer hands him a bucket, and points to another heifer. He says
"That's the female cow right there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his w**... field
Dinner that night was high steaks
There once were two cow farmers that absolutely hated each other.
I guess you could say they had major beef.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young country girl (Mary) was walking down through the village with a large bull
Mr Jones stops her and says : Young Mary, where are you taking that beast?
Im taking him to farmer Giles so that the bull can mate with his cows. She replied
Can't your father do that? Asks mr Jones
No sir, says Mary, It must be the bull that does it.
What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?
We just want to be herd.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does the farmer say to his wife when he's feeling s**...?
Brown Chicken Brown Cow
A blonde is walking past a pasture
Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accidents, don't hurt each other, don't get tangled into branches or fences or simialr. We do that by either sawing them off of putting a drop of acid on the horns when they are still young so they don't grow. But those particular cows don't have horns because they are horses."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
farmer: how many cows got out?
**me:** seventeen
**farmer:** round 'em up
**me:** ok twenty
Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.
He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"
A little boy walked up to the farmer watching over cows in his field.
Boy:wow! Would you look at that bunch of cows!
Farmer: Herd
Boy: Heard of what?
Farmer: Herd of cows
Boy: Of course I've heard of cows
Farmer: No, a cow herd
Boy: what do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.
(No punchline but my dad used to say it every time we passed cows on road trips and it still makes me smile)
A farmer goes to his wife and says...
You know, if you were a real, real woman you'd give milk and we would 't need cows!
She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.
Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn't need farm hands!
Dad joke
Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it's going to be rainy weather.
When all of the cows are sitting down, it's going to be sunny weather.
What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?
Partly Cowdy.
You're welcome.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg
Thats a ton of b**... !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's two cows talking in a field.
The first one says, "Did you hear the farmer just bought a new tractor?" The second cow is about to reply when a dog walks up and says, "What's up, ladies?"
The first cow says "Holy s**...! A talking dog!"
A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.
One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."
A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".
# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... and m**... take a short cut home across a farmers field
p**...: "Ahhh, m**... look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"
m**... says: "Herd of Cows, p**...... Herd of Cows"
Mildly infuriated, p**... replies:
"Of course I've heard of Cows, m**...: there's a b**... flock of them in the next field!!"
A farmer was milking his cow
At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.
Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.
"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the f**... cow say to the farmer who fed him?
Gassy a**...