farm Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious farm puns

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I'm the CIEIO

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A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

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A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

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If Snapchat has taught me anything ....

.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

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This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

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If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

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A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

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A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

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A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

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A farmer asked me for help with his chickens

He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"

I said "Sure... 90."

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A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this!
The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!

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How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

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If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

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An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

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A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house.

One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?"

Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot.

From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!"

"Well." Jimbo says, "it's two in the morning."

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Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

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A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

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A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep

I said 'Sure, seventy'.

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After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm...

... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.

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My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

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A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help

He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting

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Why did the cows return to the marijuana farm?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

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A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

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Why did the farmer get an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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Farmer and Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.

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Do you remember when people didn't have to make pop culture references to make a joke?

Pepperidge Farm remembers.

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A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

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A farmer To His Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank: This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field." The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field. That is where I hid the money I stole. The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes."

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The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

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A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."

Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

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Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!

"Must be a dog." He moves on.

He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

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Latvian man goes to buy iPhone..

Premise ridiculous! iPhone cannot be use to farm potato.
Also, salesman die of malnourish.

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What are the most funny Farm jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Farm? Well, here are the best Farm dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Farm pick up lines to share with friends.

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