Farm Animal Jokes

A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.
O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.
They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside.
He is gone for a long time.
When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.
The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour.
The chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane.
He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman.
"How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer.
"We've never caught one."

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.
There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.
When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Snow White and the Farm Hand

A newly hired farm hand is tending to his daily duties when he's approached by Snow White.
"How are you today, good sir?" she asks.
"Very good, Snow White." He responds
"How are the animals today? Have you yet to ask them?" She asks.
A bit confused, the farm hand answers, "Animals don't talk, ma'am. However, I'm sure they're just fine."
Snow White walks up to the donkey. "How are you today, donkey?"
"Very good, my lady!" replies the donkey.
She walks up to the pig. "How's your day, pig?"
"A fine day, indeed!" replies the pig.
Suddenly the man starts shouting, "The sheep LIES! The sheep LIES!"

Little Johnny at the Farm

Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.
Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.
Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.
Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?
Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

Little Johnny had a bad day.

He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious.
"Johnny, I saw you just did and you're in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don't get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either!"
Just then, the two of them saw Johnny's dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says,
"Shall you tell him, or shall I?"

A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the morning on the weekend.

She tells him he won't get breakfast until he does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.
While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of them.
He kicks a chicken, flogs a cow, and a pinches a pig.
When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he flogged the cow.
He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he harassed the pig.
Right then his father comes in trips over the cat and gives it an unmerciful kick up the hole out the door.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Would you like to tell him or should I?"

3 guys are lost and stumble upon a farm.

There was a indian, a jew, and a mexican. They asked if they could sleep there for the night. The man says "sure but one of you will have to sleep in the barn" the indian says "it is fine I will sleep in the barn" about a minute later there's a knock on the door, it's the Indian and he says "im sorry but I can not sleep in the barn there is a cow and it is a sacred animal" so the jew says "its fine I can sleep in the barn" about a minute later there's a knock on the door, its the jew. He says "im sorry but I can't sleep in the barn, there's a pig and it's not Kosher" so the mexican says " it is okay, I will sleep in the barn" about a minute later there's a knock on the door. It's the donkey.

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it into the hole. They wait and wait, but they don't hear anything happen. Suddenly, a donkey comes running full speed ahead and just leaps into the sinkhole. The two men are shocked, "Did you see that donkey!? I've never seen an animal sprint like that!" Minutes later, a farmer comes sprinting into the scene and says, "Guys! Have you seen my donkey? He was just on the farm and completely took off!" One of the men answers back, "He was just here! He came sprinting through the woods and took a leap into this sink hole!" The farmer answers back, "No, that's absolutely impossible. He was tied to an anvil."