Fantastic Jokes
103 fantastic jokes and hilarious fantastic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fantastic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is full of fantastic jokes that will make you laugh until your sides hurt. Enjoy jokes that range from the wildest to the most excellent, and find out what makes them so phenomenal. Get ready for a Fantastic Friday with these jokes!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Fantastic Short Jokes
Short fantastic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fantastic humour may include short fabulous jokes also.
- I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
- When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.
- My boss texted me "Send me a funny joke" I texted him back "Sorry, boss, I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied back "That was fantastic, send me another!" - A son says to his father... A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"
The father replies "No son, you're autistic." - If someone drinks alcohol. If someone drinks alcohol they're an alcoholic, does that mean if someone drinks Fanta they're fantastic.
- dad - For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed. I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.
- I received a letter stating I have outstanding debt. I thought, Why yes, it is pretty fantastic!
- Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....
That his dad was outstanding - I went to a planetarium show. While I thought it was fantastic, most of it was over my head.
- Went out for beers at a bar that serves fantastic German street food. They had stopped serving food when we got there. It was the wurst!
Share These Fantastic Jokes With Friends
Fantastic One Liners
Which fantastic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fantastic? I can suggest the ones about terrific and superb.
- What would you call the Fantastic Four if snoop dogg joined the team? The High Five
- What do you call a fantastic Japanese teacher? Sensei-tional
- How do you organize a fantastic winter solstice celebration? Just chill and let it snow!
- Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green. Its sublime
- Jesus is doing fantastically well at this crossword He's nailed two across.
- I'm fantastic in bed I can stay asleep for 15 hours!
- I've started dating a girl from the bakery. She's fantastic in bread!
- My friend told me a fantastic joke about 2020 It's a riot actually
- My wife told me I'm fantastic at cutting up cheese I told her she's greater
- My art is like communism. Fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.
- Why are squares fantastic lawyers? They are always right.
- I think women are fantastic Every man should own several!
- My new helium gas supplier's are fantastic! I can't speak highly enough of them!
- My grandfather was a fantastic fisherman... they used to call him the "Master-Baiter".
- What changed to make The Fantastic Four the Fantastic Three? Nothing.
Fantastic Beasts Jokes
Here is a list of funny fantastic beasts jokes and even better fantastic beasts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just saw that new Harry Potter movie, and was really disappointed... ...just looked at my ticket stub. It turns out the movie is called fantastic *beasts* and where to find them.
- Just saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Wife asked if the sequel would be called Grindelwald's Christmas Vacation.
- After seeing Newt Scamander in Fantastic Beasts, we will now see another Newt (Gingrich) in a new movie. A White House drama titled "Fanatic Beasts and Where to Find Them"
- The new Fantastic Beasts movie is just terrible. jk. rowling!
Fantastic Mr Fox Jokes
Here is a list of funny fantastic mr fox jokes and even better fantastic mr fox puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's a shame "Fantastic Mr. Fox" didn't win the Academy Award for best animated feature. There were too many *Up* votes.
Hilarious Fantastic Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about fantastic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wonderful jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fantastic pranks.
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine
A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".
"$500? Why is it so expensive?"
"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"
"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"
"$2000!"
"$2000?"
"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"
"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"
"The third one costs $200,000".
"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"
"absolute nothing."
"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"
"because the other two parrots call him boss".
Other students come by train
A student to his father:
Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son
Next day, an answer comes:
My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.
A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station
A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.
My memory is fantastic! In fact, I have a photogenic memory!
Whenever I think back, I recall how great I looked!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace
A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.
"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."
A few seconds pause.
"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
Dramatic Arts
Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is a lot like pizza. How? Let me tell you about the worst pizza I ever had:
It was fantastic.
How to lose weight easy
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to see Fantastic 4.
I said no, I haven't seen the first three.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "j**...".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
What would Jacob Kowalski's book about opening a bakery be called?
Fantastic Yeasts and Where to Find Them
New secretary
Frank and Harry have been business partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.
"How was it?" inquired Harry.
"Fantastic! And i don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."
A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better than your wife!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!
Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Progress is amazing. "w**... Only" is in the past
This new color safe bleach is fantastic.
I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover...
But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took l**... everyday in a class I aced.
It was fantastic, I got to see the flying colours I passed by.
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
I really enjoy a nicely deconstructed Black Forrest cake
It's fantastic, I just leave out the cream, the chocolate, the sponge and the cherries, allowing me to enjoy the wholesome Kirsch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.
A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic b**....
*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...
...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.
My favorite supermarket had a fantastic deal on a mirror...
... I could see myself buying it.
The Brazilian ambassador meets with Donald Trump
The Brazilian ambassador meets with Donald Trump, and offers him 50 Brazilian soldiers to help with the fight against terrorism. Trump says, That's fantastic!"
Later that day Trump calls his Chief of Staff and tells him about the offer of 50 Brazilian soldiers.
The Chief of Staff says, That's fantastic!"
Trump says, Yes, but remind me again, how many is a 'Brazilian?'"
My wife and I went to a new restaurant last night, where they serve the flesh of exotic birds and animals.
We both decided to try pelican, which was absolutely fantastic, but the bill was enormous.
Today I found out that I'm a fantastic butcher,
but I still don't get why I was arrested and then giving a lifetime ban from the pet store.
I travelled all the way to India to find a fantastic joke about Indian food!
Sadly when I got there it turned out they had Naan. :'(
Finally !! 6 weeks without any sugar. Running 5 miles each day. stopped eating dairy and flour. The change in my body has already been fantastic! I feel great! Eating a healthy diet that is completely gluten-free and sugar-free. And working out for up to 2 hours every day! Lost 10Kgs.
I don't know whose status this is, but I was really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste it.
I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...
... it's so stressful.
It's just been one Thing after another.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried some anti-m**... hand cream for the first time.
It's fantastic - can't beat it
Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...
I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.
A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.
Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.
A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living
"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"
"My dad is a firefighter !"
"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"
" He's an accountant !"
"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"
Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"
So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.
Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
Two English men were debating the titles of their forefathers that had been passed down as their fantastic and very aptly regal Surnames.....
"Books has been our history! Books are our pride! Books for ever!" Said Mr. Henry Wordsworth.
"Pottery is our soul... Pottery is our pride! Pottery is the best!" Said Mr. Douglas Potter.
....but neither of them could look on towards the men of the men himself....
...Mr. DICKINSON
Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much
I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'd like to thank.....
Whoever told my Mom that w**... means Wow that's fantastic. Her texts are so much more fun now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My conjoined twin told me a fantastic joke today.
It was so funny, I almost p**... himself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Netflix's latest movie.
Netflix have released a powerful new film set in the 18th century about a princess who's cursed by non-stop m**... . The witch who cursed her says she has before the age of 21 to lift the curse by falling in love.
Honestly, it's a fantastic period drama.
More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.
Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told them what it was not, the natural response generally followed, "What kind is it?"
All this set-up and he would check his watch and respond, "About 4:30" (or whatever time it was)
I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!
My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.
I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I've ever made.
Mice
A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.
The small mice were very impressed. That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that?
That, son, explains Father Mouse, demonstrates the value of learning a second language.
"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"
"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."
* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*
What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?
I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon
Have you heard of the Russian who told a joke about the Honorable President?
The punchline was fantastic, but the execution was mind-blowing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's another hot day, so I've opened all the windows and stripped off all my clothes .... it feels fantastic
The other people on the bus are complaining though
I hate seeing commercials for new TVs
Every time I think I need a new TV, I see a commercial for one. As they're raving about how fantastic the picture is, I think, 'Yeah, it DOES look great, my TV must be fine!' That being said, I think I will buy one if they ever come out in color.
Selling brains for charity
Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.
Obama offers his brains for $100,000.
"Why so much?", someone asks.
"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".
Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.
"That's a lot!", someone exclaims.
"Let me tell you something", says Trump, "My brains are fantastic. They are great. They are the best brains, it's true. I have a great relationship with my brains. They are good brains, and very pretty too! I guarantee you, they are impeccable, brand new, never used."
A tourist in Madrid
A tourist hires a guide to show him around Madrid. He tells the guide, "If you don't mind, I'm trying to learn Spanish, so if I say something wrong, please correct me." The guide agrees, and they set off walking.
A fly happens to buzz by, and the tourist says, "Look at the *mosco*!" The guide corrects him, "No, señor, the word you want is *mosca*, a feminine noun."
The tourist watches the fly carefully for a few moments. Then he turns back to the guide and says, "You must have fantastic eyesight!"
A man had pen-pals all across the Caribbean.
He had one friend in in Cuba and many all across Jamaica. One day the Cuban is traveling abroad near the man's home and asks if he can stop by for dinner while he's there. The man thinks this is a fantastic idea and starts cooking when his roommate walks in.
"Hey, what's up?"
"One of my pen-pals is in the area and we're having him over for dinner."
"Sounds good. Whatcha makin'?"
"No, it's the guy from Cuba."
