Family Safe Jokes
13 family safe jokes and hilarious family safe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family safe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Family Safe Short Jokes
Short family safe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family safe humour may include short family friendly jokes also.
- They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe It should be called Taken 4: Granted
- After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back. I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.
- Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean
He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks. - Finally got the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family Safe to say my wife wasn't happy.
- My grandfather always used to say, "Better safe than Sorry." Which explains why he always locked himself in the vault during family game night.
- A Polish man read... That 90% of fatal auto accidents happen within 10 miles of home. As the father of two teenage drivers, he picked up and moved the family 25 miles away to be extra safe.
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Family Safe Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about family safe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean safety jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family safe pranks.
Two chemists walk into a bar...
The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."
And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.
Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.
Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital
Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving the car with his family in it
He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:
"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"
The man responds:
"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"
And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder and say:
"Dad please slow down"
The man starts to get annoyed and says:
"I told you not to worry, God will keep us safe"
He once again speeds up even more. After a few seconds he feels another tap on his shoulder. He asks angrily:
"What the h**... is it this time?"
"This is God. Can you please stop the car for a moment, I need to get out"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy and Girl decide they are going to do it.
Boy unsure of what he needs to be safe, goes to the corner drug store and asks the pharmacies what the best condoms for safe s**... would be are. The Pharmacist shows him several brands.
Later that night the boy goes for dinner with the girl's family. When they sit down to eat the boy offers to say grace. After his 10-minute prayer the girl whispers, I did not know you was this religious. The boy whispers back, I did not know your dad was a pharmacist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father and his 11 year old son are walking through the pharmacy one day.
As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"
The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have s**... to be safe and not get girls pregnant."
"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.
"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"
"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.
"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.
"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.
With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a taxi home
As we welcome 2015, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, last night, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few v**... shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.