Family Matters Jokes
36 family matters jokes and hilarious family matters puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family matters that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Family Matters Short Jokes
Short family matters jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family matters humour may include short family law jokes also.
- After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because black eyes matter.
- My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.
Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow. - I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study. Except for my Auntie Matter.
- An eccentric dutch inventor whom invented inflatable shoes has died. A member of the family said it was only a matter of time until he popped his clogs.
- Trevor Noah needs to go back to Africa and spend some quality time with his family.
It's important that, no matter where you are in life, you never forget who you are and where you came from. - After being brought to so many weddings by my family I can't wait for my own! So I know who the guests are!
Or anyone for that matter. - No matter how far behind they got, John Kerry's wife never actually worked in the family business She was just playing ketchup.
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Family Matters One Liners
Which family matters one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with family matters? I can suggest the ones about family business and family reunion.
- Ten of my Family Members are Non-Binary Doesn't matter to me though, I love them both.
- My family asked me to stop devoting my life to Metallica I told them nothing else matters
- Why doesn't Carl Winslow like Steve Urkel? Because for him only his "Family Matters"
- You should never have s**... with your family member. No matter how much they i**...!
- Don't sleep with family members... ...no matter how much they i**....
Family Matters Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about family matters you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean family day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family matters pranks.
Trump and his family are traveling in a plane.
Trump decides to drop a 100 dollar note from the plane. His wife asks what he is doing. His reply is I want to make an American happy
His wife replies back Why don't you drop ten 10 dollar notes and make ten Americans happy?
Their daughter gives a suggestion Why don't you drop hundred 1 dollar notes and make hundred Americans happy?
The pilot overhears their conversation and gives his own suggestion on the matter.
Why don't you three drop yourselves from the plane and make all Americans happy?
I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...
... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.
In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.
Drinking lots of shots
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says,
\- "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks,
\- "What's wrong this time?"
The man says,
\- "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks,
\- "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says,
\- "Apparently my wife does."
The f**...
A f**... procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
Family Matters
A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.
Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"
The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."
Fred and Susan were having their usual loud...
...and endless argument about family reunions.
At last, Fred relented. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."
Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing.
His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender to give 10 shots of whiskey.....
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
A Jewish guy walks into a bar.....
and he says to the bartender with much determination, "I'll take 10 shots of whiskey."
The bartender asks the Jewish guy, "What's the matter?"
The Jewish gentleman explains, "I found out my brother is gay and is marrying my best friend."
The next day the same Jewish gentleman comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The Jewish gentleman says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same Jewish man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
A man is going out of town on a buisness trip
So he asks his brother to watch his cat. Two weeks into the trip he calls his brother.
Man: "So, how is my cat?"
Brother""Well listen the cat died"
Man: "That's not how you break something like that to someone. That cat really meant a lot to me. You should have said something like 'the cat got out on the roof and it got scared so it latched on. By the time the fire department came it had died of exposure.'"
Brother: "Oh, I'm sorry. Next time something like that comes up I will let you know"
Man: "Anyway, thats not what matters. What matters is family how's mom?"
Brother: "Well mom got out on the roof....."
There was this man who walked into a bar..
And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "
The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "
The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "
The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .
Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "
The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! "
Edit : Thank you kind human being for my first goldie !
The Mole family
Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.
So here goes..
Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next to her. Baby mole went up too but was stopped because mama and papa left no room. He started crying. Mama mole "What's the matter, can't you smell the syrup?". Baby mole said "No, I can only smell molasses."
Alabama Wedding
Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.
"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"
The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.
"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.
"And best of all... she's a v**...!"
At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,
"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"
Little Joe was at the farm, when he saw a dead chicken.
It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.
Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.
"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.
Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"
Hillary Meets with Satan
Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
An older man was married to a younger woman.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out s**.... He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without s**... wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
A man goes to a bar
A man goes to a bar and asks for 5 shots of Whiskey and the bartender asks "Woah buddy, what's the matter?" the man responds with "Today I found out my son is gay". The bartender hands his 5 shots. The next day the man comes back and asks the bartender for 10 shots of Whiskey, the bartender asks "What's wrong today?" the man responds with "Today I found out my father is gay" the bartender gave him 10 shots. The man is back the next day yet again and asks for 15 shots of Whiskey. The bartender says "Is there anyone in your family that doesn't like men?". The man responds "My wife."
Sorry if this joke was told already, I heard it many years ago and thought you nice folks would like it.
Difference between Ravens and Crows
I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this:
"All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska's thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it's just a matter of a pinion."
There once was an old cathedral in rural England...
There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."