The Best 84 Family Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Family jokes. There are some family generations jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these family family business puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Family Jokes and Puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

jokes about family

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Family joke, My 93 year old grandfather FTW

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

IΒ΄m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

You can explore family clan reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean family friends dad jokes. There are also family puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I almost got raped in jail ...

My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

My family treats me like a god

They only talk to me when they want something.

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Family joke, I just found out I'm colour blind

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

Family joke, One day when I was young......

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

I froze myself to -273.1Β°C

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf

What are the symptoms? The doctor asks

They're that yellow family that live in Springfield

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

What sex position are you not allowed to use in the south?

Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

The f in orphan stands for family

wait

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.

That didn't sound right, so he tried again.

Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.

That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.

(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

What a selfie called taken by an orphan?

A family photo.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked: How much did you make?

$804 she said

Which idiot gave you $4 ??? he asked

Well... everyone...

Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...

It's my longest running joke of the year so far...

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

I think my family is racist

​

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Got the whole ice cream shop with this one:

While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.

I proceeded to ask Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?

Confectioner - I'm not sure… the morning crew makes the batches

Did they learn at sundae school???

I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.

This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Well??"

Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"

Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."

Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby. Who's the biggest in the family?

The baby of course - because he's a little Bigger.

I inherited my great-grandfather's antique wig-making equipment.

It's a family hairloom.

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...

St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.


-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.

Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.

-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!


-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...

Why don't rednecks like reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."

"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

what do you called a insomniac's family tree

Napkin

Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.

A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?

Terrible, he said. They won't let me fart.

What keeps members of a dysfunctional family together?

Crazy Glue

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it's a family air loom.

Positivity

Was discussing the power of positivity with family members. Told them I could turn any situation into a positive one.
About a month later one of our cousins passed. He was a very heavy drinker & smoker. At the funeral another cousin came up to a group of us talking & said let's see you turn THIS into a positive. I thought for a minute…and realized our cousin was being cremated. That's when it hit me. I told the group, the good news is he quit drinking, and a few days from now when the flames die down, he'll have quit smoking too.

My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.

I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.

I like to make my presents felt.

So I arrived at the restaurant……………..

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
-"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
-"Good," he said.
And then added,
-"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the family dysfunctional family puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working family family appropriate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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