Family Jokes

funny jokes about family and hilarious stories

BEST FAMILY JOKES

Family jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Family of all time along with the funniest family gags ever told.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?
Arse skin for a friend.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?
Because you don't turn your back on family.

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.
The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

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LATEST FAMILY JOKES

Whats the difference between an american indian and a picnic table?
A picnic table can support a family.

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A dad wants his son to go with him on a family vacation
"Okay son!" He says. "Time to go!"

The son responds "I'm coming dad!"

Three minutes pass however, and the boy stays up in his room. "Son, I said it's time to go!"

"Dad, I said I'm coming!" The son replies again.

Five more minutes pass, and the boy does not leave his room. "SON, IF YOU DON'T GET OUT HERE..."

"I'm COMING!" The boy shouts.

The dad is just about to go up to the boys room and yell, when a thought crossed his mind. "Son..."

"FOR F***'S SAKE DAD, I'M COMING!"

"I know son..."

"Then what is it!"

"Spell 'cumming'."

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Mom's side
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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IΒ΄m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

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Whats the difference between a family attorney and a pedophile?
A pedophile doesn't get paid to fuck children.

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I should get a bigger tax return
According to Digiorno's I'm a family of four.

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a pig with three legs in front of a house with a sign above its den saying "Worlds Greatest Pig"
He sees the pigs owner in the front yard and yells "Hey, what's so great about this pig?" The owner replies "That's Wilbur, greatest pig ever. One night we had a fire and Wilbur woke the whole family up by running through the house squealing, saved all our lives! Damn great pig!" The man says "Really!? He lost his leg saving all your lives, huh? That is a damn great pig!" "No" the owner says. "That's not how he lost his leg." The man asks "Well how did he lose his leg?" The owner replies "You just don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

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My uncle's kleptomania got so bad that it was decided to get the whole family together to talk about it with him, but I fell sick and couldn't come. When I asked my aunt how he took the whole intervention thing, she had no idea, it was secure, watched over by two people, and then bam, it was gone.

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A mother hears from her son that his dad was cheating on her...
So she decides to wait until they have a family reunion. Then, she asks the kid to say what he saw. The kid gets in front of everyone and says:




So... The maid and dad were in his room. He was naked and then she started sucking his... Mom, how do you call that thing that you suck when our neighbour's father visits you?

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They dont just hate him
Chris' family doesn't just hate him, they ate him too

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Friends and family sometimes said I was a kid stuck in a man's body.
The police say I'm a man caught in a kids body.

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What's the difference between a park bench and a Mexican
A park bench can support a family

EDIT- (insert any race) this is just how is was told to me

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What's the difference between a park bench and Mexican
A park bench can support a family

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How do you make a plumber cry?
You murder his family.

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A new guy moves into the neighborhood
And his next door neighbor comes to greet him. The newcomer says he works at a faculty of deductive reasoning.
"Deductive reasoning? What's that?"
"Hmm. How do I explain. Okay. I see that you have a family dog, so I deduce that you probably have kids."
"That's right, I've got kids."
"And from your kids, I deduce that you probably have a wife."
"Yes, I'm married..."
"And from that, I deduce that you are probably heterosexual."
"Oh, I see. That's very interesting! I should tell our other neighbors."

So the married guy later goes to talk to his other neighbor, who says: "Did you meet the new guy who just moved in?"
"Yeah, actually. He works at a faculty of deductive reasoning."
"Deductive reasoning? What's that?"
"Hmm. How do I explain. Okay, well, do you have a dog?"
"No..."
"Faggot!"

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The Family Car
A daughter really wants to borrow the family car so she can go to the mall with her friends. So she goes and asks her father. He responds that she may, only after she sucks his dick. She really wants the car so she agrees. While they are going at it the daughter tells her father, "Eww Dad! Your dick tastes like shit!!" To which the father replies, "Oh yeah, your brother has the car".

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I'll never forget how my grandfather died...
Every one in our family remembers it - he didn't hesitate, he looked calmly, then pushed forward, charging into the face of death, and managed to kill 5 of em' before a piece of shrapnel ended his life...

Meanwhile my grandma was shouting "IT'S A RED LIGHT!"

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My family travels alot and have experienced different cultures; I've only always wanted to tell this joke.
In every culture out there there's always the neighborhood ho that likes it in the ass.
behind a dumpster



So cut my sister some slack mate.

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I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.
But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the blessing on the dinner. I prayed for about ten minutes, the holiest prayer I could think of.

On the way out to the car, she quipped "I never knew you were so religious!" I replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

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Poor Placement
So one day little Billy grew up and got engaged. Now Billy is a little short in the dip stick, and all the male members of his family decided it would be a great idea to donate an inch as a wedding present. So a few weeks before the wedding everyone goes in to see the doctor and after multiple surgeries, the operation is a success. Fast forward a few weeks, Billy and his new wife return from their honey moon and run in to Billy's brother. His brother asks how did the honey moon go everything work out , then Billy replies with yeah, it was great except I wish we didn't put grandpa in the middle.

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FAMILY JOKES THAT ARE...

Family jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about family, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?
Arse skin for a friend.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.

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Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?
Because you don't turn your back on family.

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IΒ΄m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

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I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly way too seriously

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My family treats me like a god.
They only talk to me when they want something.

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Alcoholics don't run in my family...
They stumble around breaking things

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The life of a penis is not an easy one.
His family is nuts, his neighbour is an ass, his owner beats him and his best friend is a pussy.

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When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.
Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

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BEST DIRTY JOKES

Funny dirty jokes about families mom and dad will laugh at.

A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."

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So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

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My dad recently passed away and loved dirty jokes. I need some new ones to cheer me and my family up.
Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.

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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.

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What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.

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Q: What's worse than ants in your pants?
A: Uncle.

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What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

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You're the cumshot that your mom wanted to swallow but your dad couldn't pull out in time.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Jokes about accidents and death for those with dark sense of humor.

This could be considered the ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.


His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

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Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree.


He's been hanging there for quite a while.

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Q: Hey, what's the jew doing in the ashtray?
A: Family research.

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My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.

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Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right roasting.

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"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

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Cannibals capture three men.
The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

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A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.


One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal.
The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.
Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself.
She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.
The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."

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A single car crash kills a Mexican family.
15 people died.

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I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight.


It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Awful and creepy family jokes.

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore.
Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.


It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.


The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
Again, she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back to put her upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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WHAT ARE FAMILY JOKES ABOUT?

Family is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about family.

Are Family jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring family joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read family jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with family jokes on YouTube.

TOP KIDS JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Jokes about families with babies, little boys and girls.

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

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A man kills a deer...
A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

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I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

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The blonde went to see her doctor.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," she said. "I've been very short-tempered lately. I'm always yelling at my husband and kids over the silliest little things."

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "Maybe you need to exercise more. Tell you what, try running ten miles a day. Call me in two weeks and let me know how things are going."

So two weeks later the doctor got a call. "Well, I followed your advice. I've been running ten miles every day."

"Splendid! And how are things between you and your family?"

"How the hell should I know? I'm 140 miles from home!"

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3 kids are discussing how they were made
One says, "The stork brought me!"
The second one says, "I was downloaded from the internet!"
The third one hangs his head down in shame and says, "Well, my family is poor, and my parents makes everything themselves."

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Since we're doing hotel jokes..
A family comes into their hotel for the night and they get their keys. The father sends the wife and kids to the room and waits until they're out of earshot before giving the concierge a look and saying "I hope the porn is disabled."

To which the clerk responded "It's normal porn you sick fuck."

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A catholic priest and an Indian named John...
One Friday afternoon on the reservation John and his family were starving. John, being a great hunter, went out and killed a deer to feed his wife and kids.

A catholic priest sees this and says, "John! What are you doing? You cannot eat meat on a Friday!"

John says to the priest, "It's not meat, it's fish!"

The priest couldn't believe his ears. He quickly replied, "It is meat and you should not tell lies, John!"

John says, "I assure you father, it is fish."

Cofused and curious the father ask John, "Why do you say it is fish?"

John says, "I sprinkled water on it and I said from meat you become fish."

The priest yells at John, "You cannot do that!"

John says, "Why not father? When I met you I was Mapuche, then you sprinkled water on me and I became John."

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How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

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Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

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Who has the most children
There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". The judges were amazed and the crowd applauded.

The judges then called the 2nd contestant, Mr. China. He then sneered at Mr. India and loudly said "Only 100? I have 1000 children!!!". The crowd went wild. The judges couldn't believe that it was even possible.

The 3rd contestant was called. "Mr. Philippines, please come up to the stage. He was sweating. Shows on his actions that he was very nervous. On his was up to the stage, as soon as the crowd sees him, they went wild. They crowd cheered. Everyone on was rooting for him. The judges were amazed as they hear the crowd chant "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!"

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Complete family talk.....
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

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Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.

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Kids are smarter than adults
I believe that kids are much smarter than adults.
Why?
Because I don't know one kid who has a wife and a family.

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The twins
There were two twin brothers called Juan and Jamal who had grown up and left their family to find their luck far away in two different parts of the country.

After a while, missing his sons, their father went to a trip to see them. When back home, his wife, who had stayed home, asked him about their kids.

"I went first to Juan. He is quite fine" he said.

"What about Jamal, did you visit him as well?"

"No need. If I've seen Juan, I've seen Jamal"

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Divorce Joke my Family Law Professor Told
Elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively. And they are getting a divorce. Judge asks them why they are getting one now...


"we were waiting for the kids to die"

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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

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Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?

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An apartment building with three floors...
There is an apartment building with three floors. A different family lives on each floor. Floor one a black family. Floor two a Mexican family. Floor three a white family. Unfortunately a tornado destroys the apartment building at 2:00PM, leaving only one surviving family. Which family survived? The white family ofcourse because the kids were at school and their parents were at work.

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6 year old kid looking at Mom's ID card.
Sex: F
He laughs.
Mom: "Whats so funny?"
Kid: "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it."
Husband died laughing.

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Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, a joke's on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

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Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*

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A kid was crying standing outside his house.


A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"
Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."
Passer by: "Who is your father?"
Kid: "That is what the fight is about."

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Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

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Friends and family sometimes said I was a kid stuck in a man's body.
The police say I'm a man caught in a kids body.

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All generalizations are false, including this one.

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Little Johnny's brother, Little Jimmy, was in the toilet throwing Johnny's toys in the toilet.


Johnny saw his brother doing this and yelled "JIMMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
His brother replied "Next time you'll think twice before you don't let me play with you."
Little Jimmy threw a toy car in the toilet and said "Bye bye, racecars!"
Little Johnny stuck little Jimmy head in the toilet saying "Bye bye brother!"

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A father was advising his son: "

If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

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A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.


The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."

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A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

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We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

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I've got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation...
so if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

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I got caught in police speed trap yesterday.

The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.

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Hell hath no fury like a mother who sees her child using plates reserved only for guests.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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Male Pornstars
People hear about professional male pornstars who have families – a wife and kids - and they wonder why:


-Is he trying to have his cake and eat it?

-How does the romance work?

-What if the kids find videos?


These people are missing the point.


It's about being able to, as a frame of reference for their penis, tell people that it feeds a family of four.

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Three families live in an apartment building.
On the first floor is a Mexican family, the second a white family, the third a black family. Suddenly a tornado hits the apartment building. Which family survives? The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.

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there was a kindergarten teacher who had three students
teacher: alright kids, ill give you each one letter from the alphabet and youll give me a word that starts with that letter. student one, your letter is A
student one: apple!
teacher: good job. student two, your letter is B
student two: Banana!
teacher: awesome!
then the teacher starts to think.. student three comes from a very vulgar family.. if i say F he can say fuck... oh, i know.. what can he possibly say with R?
teacher: student three, your letter is R
student three: oh! i know.. a rat... a fucking huge rat!

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A new guy moves into the neighborhood
And his next door neighbor comes to greet him. The newcomer says he works at a faculty of deductive reasoning.
"Deductive reasoning? What's that?"
"Hmm. How do I explain. Okay. I see that you have a family dog, so I deduce that you probably have kids."
"That's right, I've got kids."
"And from your kids, I deduce that you probably have a wife."
"Yes, I'm married..."
"And from that, I deduce that you are probably heterosexual."
"Oh, I see. That's very interesting! I should tell our other neighbors."

So the married guy later goes to talk to his other neighbor, who says: "Did you meet the new guy who just moved in?"
"Yeah, actually. He works at a faculty of deductive reasoning."
"Deductive reasoning? What's that?"
"Hmm. How do I explain. Okay, well, do you have a dog?"
"No..."
"Faggot!"

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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"
Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

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A smoker, an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...
The smoker says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any sexual contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The smoker and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The smoker says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.

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Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

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Deer Hunter.
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"

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Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

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"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.


At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

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Three friends are stuck on a deserted island.
One day, they find a magic lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and says he'll grant them each one wish. The first man says, "I need to take care of my dog, can I go to him?" So the genie teleports him to his dog. The next man says, "I miss my wife and kids, can i go to them?" So the genie teleports him to his family. The last man says, "I'm lonely, can you bring my friends here?"

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What sexual position makes the stupidest babies? I don't know either, go ask your mama.

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Spending Quality Time With Children
A man wasn't spending enough time with his children. He left his wife a note that said, "We're in the backyard. I'm hanging with the kids today.". His wife came outside to see her family hanging by a noose from a tree.

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A father started explaining how his family lives... Oldest son is an engineer, daughter a doctor, and the youngest son is a theif. Why is the young one the important one?
The other kids don't have a job. The theif is the one with the biggest "income".

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Hunter goes out in the Amazon
A rifle armed hunter goes out in the Amazon looking for some new game to show for. He stumbles across a monkey and points his gun right at him about to pull the trigger. The monkey yells, "Please Mr. Hunter don't shoot me! I got a family, kids, and a whole life just like yours." The hunter says, "Alright, alright. Let me just cut your arm off and that will hold me over for the night." The monkey says, "Please I need my arm to swing tree from tree and get home to my family, anything but my arm Mr. Hunter" The hunter then replies, "Ok let me cut your leg off then so I can eat tonight" The Monkey replies, "Anything but my leg, I need them to find food and survive." The hunter then says, "Ok then let me cut your tail off" The monkey replies, "Please Mr. Hunter! Anything but my tail, if you cut my tail off then I'd just be a nigger!"

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one day, my brother was born...
When my brother was born he was just a head. No arms, no legs, no chest, just a head. He was healthy so the doctors went ahead and sent him home with our family. My dad named him Fred. Fred the head. So Fred didn't have a terrible childhood, because he would watch the other kids play and he could watch TV. one day when he was 8 Fred was on the table while his dad was drinking cranberry juice. Fred had never had cranberry juice so he asked if he could have some, and, of course, his dad let him. he took a sip and *FLOOSH* he had a neck and shoulders. He exclaimed "WOW!" and had another sip, and *KERSHOOSH* he had arms and a torso, so he grabbed the gallon and drank the whole thing and *GERCLOSH* he grew hips and legs. Fred was so excited he jumped up and ran outside and while running around yelled, "I can jump and play!" He was in the street and got flattened by a truck. Moral of the story is quit while you're a head...

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The kids were feeling a bit ill
I cooked for the family last night and this morning they came downstairs complaining that they felt sick. I did put a lot of ginger in the curry last night... They loved that cat.

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A conversation among my Children's Church a while back.


A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!"
The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"

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I took my relatives kids to the movies it only cost all the money I had for the cookout tomorrow and my rent.

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I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

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Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

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One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.


Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of chips and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.

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My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

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3-year-old: *stares at the baby* What does it do? Me: Nothing yet.

She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is?

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Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to.

..? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?

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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.

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Dads are like boomerangs... I hope.

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My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child.

Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

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When you were born your mom said: "It's a treasure."
Dad said: "Ya let's bury."

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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

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Fathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter.

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There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine dummy."

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5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

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My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

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I turned on the light to wake up my kids.

My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.

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TOP MARRIAGE JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Laugh at these marriage jokes about married life.

Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening [NSFW]
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.
It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

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A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.


"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team,"
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother and says "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me."


Her mother says "Don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father: go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there and he'll never know the difference.


So she does.


They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says "My darling Harriet, to think I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here right now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

.

Your loving husband,

Harry



.


PS your cunt is in the sink.

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I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

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Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.

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A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.

"
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

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Where does a cracker meet his future wife? Family reunion.

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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.


One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

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Old Brake Up
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved.
The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."

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A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.


He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

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We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.


My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"

Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.


Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"

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On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

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After 30 years of marriage...
A husband and a wife were preparing to go out for their anniversary dinner.

As she was getting ready, she exclaimed to her husband:
"Honey! I bought this 30 years ago and it still fits!"

The husband replied: "Well scarves tend to do that."

The doctor is hopeful that the swelling in face will go down in a few days, but the family jewels have been heavily damaged.

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TOP DAD JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Jokes about dad's role in family affairs on sex, life and political themes, or Q&A and conversations with kids.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.
The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

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[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian
1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

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The Three Types of Breasts as told from father to son
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

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Boobs vs willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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A family goes to a nude beach....
A family goes to a nude beach and their young son is curious about a few things. He come running back to his parents shouting, "Dad! Dad! There's all these women around with these things on their chest, some are big and some are small!" His dad replies, "Yes son. They're called breasts, the women with the small ones are smart and the women with the big ones are dumb!" So the kid goes off for a bit and then comes running back yelling out, "Mum! Mum! There's men all around with these things dangling between their legs, some are big and some are small!" His mum replies, "Yes son, the men with the small ones are smart and the men with the big ones are dumb!" Satisfied with the answer, he runs off to play again. He returns a few minutes later screaming out, "Mum! Muuuuuum! Dad's talking to a really dumb lady and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

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So my Dad walked in on me making out with my girlfriend
I was naturally very embarrased, as I didn't want my parents to know I had a girlfriend and make a big deal about it. But my Dad said to me, "Don't worry son, I won't tell your mother, this will be our little secret".

The next day I'm eating breakfast with my family. My Mom says to me, "Son, where did that hickey on your neck come from?". In response I say, "This is me and Dad's little secret".

Afterwards, everyone at the table got really quiet.

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When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.
Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

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Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

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When I was a kid...
... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

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How's it hanging
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?


The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.


This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?


The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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Theory and practice
A family is eating dinner: mom, dad, little Johnny, his sister and his grandpa are all sitting at the table. At some point little Johnny asks his father:
- Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice?
- I'll show you.
He turns to his wife and asks:
- Would you suck a stranger's dick for $10,000?
- Well, the bathroom needs a renovation and we're behind on our mortgage payments and even then there would still be enough left for a nice vacation... I mean it's just one blowjob, right?
Then he asks his daughter the same question
- That's a lot of cash, so yeah, I guess.
- How about you grandpa?
- When I was a lad, I worked 12 hours in a coal mine for a loaf of bread and a place to sleep, what's one blowjob for that kind of money...
The father turns to his son
-See, Johnny, in theory we have $30,000, but in practice, just two whores and a faggot under our roof.

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A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."

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Little Johnny at the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

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Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

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Long joke.
A son asks his dad "what is the difference between fantasy and reality?" His dad said,"go ask the family if they would fuck Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars." So he did. He asked his mom and she said "Yeah! It's a million dollars." He asked his sister and she said "Yeah, he's cute." He asked his brother and he said "Yeah, who wouldn't?" After telling his father this, the father said "well, in the fantasy world, we would have $3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer. "

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How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "

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So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

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An Amish family visits a mall...
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

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democracy EL5
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of you, the people and your baby brother, the future.

So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, He gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,

He peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words ."What you think politics is all about."

The little boy, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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A rite of passage
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

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I thought this was funny.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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A mother and son were washing dishes while...
...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."

"How do you know?"

"She didn't say anything."

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A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...
His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

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A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

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when I was a kid, our family was very poor....
I remember when my dad was cutting onions and our whole family was crying. poor onions. he was such a good dog

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Another adult joke :p
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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An old man's brush with death
An old man who was recovering from a near fatal heart attack was sitting in a hospital bed with his family at his side. The old man's son cautiously asked, " Did you see. . . the light, Dad?" His father replied, "Why, yes I most certainty did!" Everyone in the room gasped and eagerly stared at the old man to tell more of his experience. His son asked " What did you see, Dad, did you see God?" to which his father replied, " There I was son, being carried to heaven by two. . . . two people." His son blurts out, "Who were these people!" The old man looks up towards the sky and closes his eyes, " It was Jesus and Muhammad, they carried me and told me I was going to be okay th..." The nurse in the room bursts out with laughter, which immediately offends the old man's family. The son stands up and says " Who do you think you are laughing at my father during his most spiritual moment!" The nurse says, " Excuse me for laughing but Jesus and Muhammad are two of our ambulance drivers."

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Tis the season. (Please don't hate me, it's just a joke.)
Christmas time. Valium and wine. Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the weed and mum's high on crack. Christmas is special when your family is black!

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My dad recently passed away and loved dirty jokes. I need some new ones to cheer me and my family up.
Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.

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The family dog was in heat...
Little Bobbys family dog was in heat and his paretns did not want it to walk around the neighbourhood because it hadnt yet been spayed. After a few hours of little bobby bothering his dad to let his take her out for a walk his dad finally relented. He took the dog into the garage and rubbed a cloth in gasoline all over the dogs crotch. "there" bobbys dad said "That ought to keep the male dogs from catching her scent".

Bobby was gone barely 10 minutes before he returned without the dog "wheres Lassie?" the dad asked.

Bobby replied "she ran out of gas halfway back and a kind neighbourhood dog is just pusinng her back"

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This kid passed his driving test . . . .
This kid passed his driving test and said to his dad:

"How about me borrowing the family car dad?"

His dad said:

"You get your grades up to a B, read your Bible a little more and get your hair cut then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."

A month or so later his dad said:

"Congratulations, your grades are up to a B, plus I've noticed you reading your Bible a lot more but you still haven't cut your hair, so no car I'm afraid."

"But dad," the kid said, "in reading my Bible, I have learned that Samson wore his hair long, so did John The Baptist and probably Jesus did too."

"Very true" said his dad, "but did you notice they walked everywhere."

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Daddy cool
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and

she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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From my dad (a pilot): "What's the difference between a pilot and a pizza?"
"A pizza can feed a family of four."

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I ran into my dad earlier...
Shitty driving must run in the family...

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Gay Sons
Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay'' Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you'' Other son said ''Me too Dad'' Dad said Fuck me doesn't anyone in this Fuck'n family like Pussy. Daughter said ''I do''

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I'm convinced my dad does the ultimate dad joke
Whenever we are at a restaurant and my dad ends up with baby corn on his plate he waits for the waiter to come back and he takes the baby corn and eats it as it were a corn on the cob and asks, "Is this how you're suppose to eat it?" Usually this happens at some sort of Asian restaurant and the Asian waiter is very confused and awkwardly smiles. The rest of my family always fear there will be baby corn on his plate when we go out but once the plate comes, we know theres no stopping it.

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Complete family talk.....
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

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The Family Car
A daughter really wants to borrow the family car so she can go to the mall with her friends. So she goes and asks her father. He responds that she may, only after she sucks his dick. She really wants the car so she agrees. While they are going at it the daughter tells her father, "Eww Dad! Your dick tastes like shit!!" To which the father replies, "Oh yeah, your brother has the car".

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stormtrooper family dinner
So a stormtrooper tells his son its time for dinner.
the boy asks his dad "what are we having?"
"Wookie meatloaf." He replied.
After a few minutes of eating, the stormtrooper asks his son "How is it?"
"It's chewy."

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At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.



Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?

Dad: They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying Oh God, I'm coming but she didn't float anywhere..

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a very sad story...
when i was a kid, my family was very poor. i remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. poor onion. he was such a good dog...

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Making a sandwhich
So one day a family are checking into a hotel. There is a lack of rooms so they have to make do with one with a bunkbed. The mum and dad are on the top bunk and their son, the bottom

So late at night, the son wakes up to his parents saying things. They had code words for sex and the mum said tomato for faster and lettuce for slower. Eventually the boy shouts up to his parents

"mum dad, stop making sandwichs, you're getting mayonnaise all over me"^(I'm Sorry)

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Ballons
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?

Dad: They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying Oh God, I'm coming but she didn't float anywhere!

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I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night...
"This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the oldest?"

I said, "My dad."

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A family and three wishes
Mom, dad and their little girl were walking in the woods when they come across a magical fairy.

"It's your lucky day" says the fairy "I am in a wish granting mood and I will grant each one of you one wish!"

"I want a pony!" Shouts a little girl

"Fuck your pony!" Yells dad angrily

"Get my daughter off of that thing!" Screams mom

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Worst dad jokes are emoticons
Had a group message with family and my sister wanted to go get coffee. So my dad sent this

*$ Enjoy

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Elephant Anatomy
A family take a trip to the zoo and, whist stood by the elephant enclosure, the young son walks over to his father.
"Dad" starts the boy. "What is that long bit hanging down from the elephant?"
"Why that's his trunk." replies the father.
"No, I mean between his legs!" continues the son.
"Go and ask your mother." says the dad.
"I already asked her." says the young lad.
"And what did she tell you?" asks the father.
"She said it was nothing" replies the son.
"That's the problem with your mother." says the father "She's been spoiled."

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Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

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Family goes to a zoo and they see an elephant with an erection
Their little daughter goes to her Mom: "Mommy, what's that thing between elephant's legs?"
- "Uhhhhh, you should go ask your Dad".

Girl goes to her Dad: "Daddy, what's that thing between elephant's legs?"
- "Uhhh, sweetie, that's his peepee"

She goes back to her Mom: "Mommy, Daddie said it's the elephant's peepee"

Mom looks at her: "Your Dad has a peepee, that's a cock."

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Magic tooth paste
A child goes into his parent's room and sees his dad ejaculating. He asks his dad "What's that white thing?"

"Oh, that's just some magic tooth paste, son"

He leaves, not entirely convinced.

A few hours later, when the family sits down for dinner, the child asks "If that white thing was really magic toothpaste then why were you giving it to the baby sitter? She has very nice teeth already!"

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Potato Family Circus
Mama Potato and Papa Potato had a precious little baby Sweet Potato. Life was wonderful. The little Sweet Potato grew up and eventually went away to college, making her parents very, very proud.

One day the little Sweet Potato returned home for a surprise visit. "Mom, Dad," she proudly exclaimed, "I have some very exciting news for you! I want you to meet the man I am going to marry!!!" Her parents were brimming with joy. Their little Sweet Potato goes outside to fetch her new mate and comes in and says, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Walter Cronkite!"

"Walter Cronkite!?" her parents exclaimed in utter disbelief. "You can't marry him, he's a commentator!!"

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A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

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A father was advising his son: "

If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

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Russian Knock Knock Jokes (a Latvian joke tribute)
In light of recent political tensions, my girlfriend's dad and I sat down and tried to come up with some Russian knock-knock jokes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Potato.
Potato who?
Just kidding, is secret police.


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ukraine
Ukraine who?
Ukraine your neck left, see secret police.


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Putin.
Putin who?
Putin your family is Gulag for asking so many question.


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Secret police.
Secret police who?
If I told you, wouldn't be secret.

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Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm.

You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

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"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

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Couple of racist jokes my dad told me(not racist just found them funny)
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza
One screams when it hits the oven

What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza
A pizza can feed a family

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A mother hears from her son that his dad was cheating on her...
So she decides to wait until they have a family reunion. Then, she asks the kid to say what he saw. The kid gets in front of everyone and says:




So... The maid and dad were in his room. He was naked and then she started sucking his... Mom, how do you call that thing that you suck when our neighbour's father visits you?

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Russian knock-knock jokes (A Latvian Joke Tribute Song)
In light of recent political tensions, my girlfriend's dad and I sat down and tried to come up with some Russian knock-knock jokes.



Knock Knock

Who's there?

Potato.

Potato who?

Just kidding, is secret police.




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Ukraine

Ukraine who?

Ukraine your neck left, see secret police.




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Putin.

Putin who?

Putin your family is Gulag for asking so many question.




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Secret police.

Secret police who?

If I told you, wouldn't be secret.

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Jesus is the son of God.
God is the son of Chuck Norris.

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Guess my age
Ok so there was a little boy that just turned 8 years old and he wanted to see if anyone in the family knew his age before his party. So he walked up to his dad and asked him "dad how old am I" his dad thought a little and said "i dont know" and the boy said he was 8. Then he walked up to his grandma and said "how old am I" and the grandma thought a little then she slipped her hand down his pants and she fondled a good 2 hours then finally said "your 8" and the boy said " how do you know" the grandma says "I heard you tell your father"

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Dad and son at the Doctor
A man and his son are at a doctor appointment.

Their longtime family doctor enters and says "What seems to be the problem," and the dad answers "This is pretty embarrassing Doc but we hired a new Brazilian maid and turns out my son has been messing around with her... and I think he's got herpes."

The doctor says "Don't worry Sir I'll write your son a prescription and he'll be alright. Is there anything else you need?" The dad replies "Well there is something else... I've also been messing with the maid and I think I have it too"

"Don't worry I'll write you and your son a prescription and you can pick them both up today. Anything else?"

"Well Doc, last night I had sex with my wife and now I think she has it..."


"Damn it, now we've all got it!"

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A dad wants his son to go with him on a family vacation
"Okay son!" He says. "Time to go!"

The son responds "I'm coming dad!"

Three minutes pass however, and the boy stays up in his room. "Son, I said it's time to go!"

"Dad, I said I'm coming!" The son replies again.

Five more minutes pass, and the boy does not leave his room. "SON, IF YOU DON'T GET OUT HERE..."

"I'm COMING!" The boy shouts.

The dad is just about to go up to the boys room and yell, when a thought crossed his mind. "Son..."

"FOR F***'S SAKE DAD, I'M COMING!"

"I know son..."

"Then what is it!"

"Spell 'cumming'."

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My family is involved in the lumber industry. My dad chops wood...
... and my mom takes it.

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Magic River
One time, there was a black family of four. They heard about this river, and if you swim to the other side of it, you turn white. So the Dad swims across and turns white, and then the Mom. The sister struggles because of the strong current, but makes it across and turns white. When the youngest child, the brother starts to swim across, he is taken away by the current. The sister says, "DADDY' DADDY!, TYRONE IS GETTING TAKEN AWAY BY THE CURRENT!" And the Dad says, "Ah, screw that nigger."

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...
A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits companionably next to the young man.

The two men chat for a few minutes, and as time goes by, the young man begins to feel more and more uncomfortable- a huge fart is welling up in the recesses of his abdomen. He tries valiantly to suppress it, but finally decides that he can probably safely release it into the cushioned seat, and does.

"Baron!" the dad exclaims.

The relieved young man thinks to himself, "Oh, good. He thinks it's the dog."

They chat on for a minute or two longer, and the young man feels the urge to fart another time, and silently fills the room a second time with a noxious cloud.

The dad again speaks sharply to the dog, "Baron!"

The young man, emboldened by his prior successful gaseous emissions, does so yet again.

"Baron!' the dad shouts loudly this time, "Get away from that man before he shits all over you!"

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Politics, explained.
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the Family, so call me The President
Your mother is the Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep shit..

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family dinner
A family of five is having dinner.

After dinner the eldest son stands up and says: "Mom, dad I have something to tell you." His parents look at him and await what he has to say. " I've known for a while now, but I've decided to tell you guys. I'm gay."

The Father is pissed and about to shout at him, but the mother calms him down. "Its good that you decide to be open about, son. Your father and I apreciate your honesty and will support you, right dear?"

The father is cornered and reluctantly agrees. The other son of the family now stands up and says: " What a coincidence, I'm gay too."

At this point the father snaps and shouts: " Are none of you attracted to hot babes?" The daughter then stands up and says: " Yes dad, I am."

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A black kid is the first in his family to go to college.
He comes home for Christmas break and His dad "imagine that" says Hey college boy tell me something smart you learned up there? He said well Pops Pie R Squared. What de fuck they be teaching you up there? Everybody knows Pies R round cornbread bez square.

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A baby polar bear asks his Mom
Mom, am I a polar bear?

Yes, dear.

And you and Dad are polar bears?

Yes, of course.

Gramma and Grampa are polar bears, too?

Yes, honey. You and me and the whole family are polar bears. Why do you ask?

Because I'm fucking freezing.

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little johnny likes to gamble.
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

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Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"

The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"

The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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Mom, why am I black?
- Mom, why are you, dad and everyone else in the family white, and I'm black?
- The party was so crazy you should be happy you don't bark.

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A man dies of old age and goes to heaven where he meets his family...
A man dies of old age and goes to heaven where he meets his family after a long time.

"Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, uncle who used to touch me.

Wait... How did you get here?

Aaah, I remember. You worked for the church."

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Dinner at robots family
Mum, dad and little robot.
Little robot asks his mom - What we'll have for dinner today.

Mom replies: SCREW.

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After my dad died in WWII...
My family moved to America. I was still young so I don't remember a lot about it. I ended up going to the University of Maryland-College Park. My first couple of days there were nice and I was getting to know a lot of people. However, I was slowly beginning to realize that the athletes weren't the most popular people on campus. It was actually the brothers of a Jewish fraternity. I began to realize that they gathered every Tuesday to tell stories about their family in WWII. People would show up and listen and every night the brothers of this fraternity had a different woman in bed with them. They were using sympathy to get sex! I thought it was an amazing idea. I started telling people that I was Jewish. I would bring it up whenever I could hoping one of them would here me. One day, they did. A brother overheard a conversation I was having and invited me to join them on the next Tuesday. I was amazed! I showed up and it got started. Everyone was telling stories and it finally came to me. I started, "My dad actually died in a concentration camp". A couple of the guys look at me and ask, "Which camp?" Shit, I think. I don't know any camps. "Auschwitz" I say. "Wow, that place was bad. My Uncle was there." One of the brothers says. A guy looks at me, "How did he die?" It gets really quiet and everyone looks at me. I put my head down and say, "He fell out of the guard tower..."

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What are the odds?
Daughter: Dad, I'm a lesbian
Dad: Its cool
2nd Daughter: Dad, I'm also a lesbian
Dad: OMG! Does anyone in this family like dick?
Son:ο»Ώ I do!"

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PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'

The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.

He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'

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A family are having dinner...
A family are sitting at a table having dinner when the son says "Dad, I don't like my sister" The dad looks at him, disappointed for a while until he says "Fine, just put her to the side and eat your vegetables"

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A girl asks her dad to borrow the family car...
The dad says fine, "but you have to suck my dick." She says, "Come on dad, I need to use the car!" "That's fine but you have to suck my dick first." She agrees and starts going down on him, she quickly comes up and starts spitting, "Dad your dick tastes like shit!" Dad says, "That's right, I'm sorry but your brother is using the car tonight."

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"But I feel great."
Johnny went to a family reunion. While there his Dad said, "Johnny, you don't look so good."
Johnny replies, "Really? because I feel great."

Johnny runs into his uncle. His uncle say, "Man, you don't look so good."
Johnny replies, "But I feel great."

Johnny becomes worried so he decides to go see his doctor.

Johnny: "Doctor, everyone says I look bad...but I feel great."

The doctor proceeds to look through his medical book. The doctor scratches his head.

Doctor: "Hmmm... Looks bad, but feels great....you must be a vagina!"

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A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex.
The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying.
"You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy.
As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room.
Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump.
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole.
Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?"
The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

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A Family of Balloons
There was once a family of balloons; Balloon Dad, Balloon Mum and Balloon Jr. As Balloon Jr was only very young he was still getting used to sleeping the whole night in his own bed. Mum and Dad would always say that he is now too big and he simply must stay in his own bed! One night Balloon Jr just couldn't take it anymore he HAD to sleep in his parents bed so he crept in to their room, but looking up at the bed he could see that there really wasn't enough room for him to fit in. To solve this problem he decides to let a little air out of his dad, a little air out of his mum and quite a lot of air out of himself. The next morning the parents are very disappointed, Balloon Mum says to Balloon Jr

"You've let me down, you've let your father down, but most of all, you've let yourself down."

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.


This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.
Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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Racist jokes my dad told me
Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza

A pizza can feed a family

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So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


[

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Deer Hunter.
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"

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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

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Family is driving... (don't know how old this but I laughed)
A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the families windshield and everyone gets a big fright. With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's too late and their son asks "Dad, what was that?".

He thinks on his feet and answer "It was just a big insect, son", thinking that they would avoid an awkward conversation.

The son, still puzzled answers "Damn... DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF IT'S DICK!?"

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A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...
... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

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Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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A family of three goes to the zoo.
Mom, Dad, and their little daughter.

They come to the elephant enclosure. And just as they approached, it so happened that elephant had a boner at that moment.
Curious, little girl asked: "mommy, why does the elephant have 5 legs?"
Mom awkwardly says: "well, I think it's better if you ask your dad."
Dad: "well, sweetie, I guess it's time you learn about this. This is not a leg honey, it's elephant's weener"
Mom immediately says: "honey, weener is what you dad has. What the elephant has is a cock."

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A happy family.
Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

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While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, What are politics?...
Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now. The father says, Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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TOP SEX JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Funny sex jokes for adults for those who like it kinky and dirty.

A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead..
A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,

All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.

The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "

The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !".

The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS "

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Adult joke
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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(NSFW) The whole truth
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.

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Mother explaining where babies come from to her daughter
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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-Expensive- Jewelery
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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Baking a Cake
A family was out at a movie and there was a sex scene. Their little girl asks "What are they doing?"
Her mom replies "They are baking a cake." On the way home they saw two people in the park having sex. The little girl asks the same question. Her mother replies "They are baking a cake honey."
The next morning the little girl asked her mom "Were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Her mom says "No of course not, why?"
"Because I licked the icing off the couch."

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What's the best part about a redneck family fight?
The makeup sex

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I sexually identify as a female
I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening [NSFW]
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.
It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink.

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What's the difference between family bonding and family bondage?
One is forced and borderline torture, the other is sex.

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Are you a mum?
I am not a dad!
Maybe you could help me with that!

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A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A little kid learns some new words.
There is a 4 year old kid, now obviously, he doesn't know any bad words, it is the day before Thanksgiving. His family is coming over to visit tomorrow so his parents have sex that night. Things got pretty intense and the child hears the word "bitch." The next day, the child asks his mom what bitch meant. Shocked, she said it meant "a beautiful person." Later, his dad is shaving and getting ready for the family, but he cuts himself with the razor, he says "shit!" The son hears him again, he asks, "what does shit mean?" The dad says it means "shaving." After, the mom is cutting the turkey, she slices her hand a little and exclaims, "Fuck!" The child asks, what fuck means. She says it means "to carve." Suddenly, the doorbell rings and the mom asks the son to get it, it is his grandparents, the son says. "Hi, bitches! Hang your things over here on this hanger. My dad is in the bathroom because he cut himself while shitting and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

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What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.

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Q: What's worse than ants in your pants?
A: Uncle.

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Making a sandwhich
So one day a family are checking into a hotel. There is a lack of rooms so they have to make do with one with a bunkbed. The mum and dad are on the top bunk and their son, the bottom

So late at night, the son wakes up to his parents saying things. They had code words for sex and the mum said tomato for faster and lettuce for slower. Eventually the boy shouts up to his parents

"mum dad, stop making sandwichs, you're getting mayonnaise all over me"^(I'm Sorry)

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The teacher had given the class an assignment.


He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

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Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&

M magazine in her son's room.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"
"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

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You're the cumshot that your mom wanted to swallow but your dad couldn't pull out in time.

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6 year old kid looking at Mom's ID card.
Sex: F
He laughs.
Mom: "Whats so funny?"
Kid: "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it."
Husband died laughing.

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Friend: "I think my mom hit her period last night"
Me: "Oh that's my bad I fucked your mom a little too hard."

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Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother and says "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me."


Her mother says "Don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father: go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there and he'll never know the difference.


So she does.


They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says "My darling Harriet, to think I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here right now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

.

Your loving husband,

Harry



.


PS your cunt is in the sink.

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A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

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Daughter ask her mother where do babies come from
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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Yo momma's like a door handle... everybody gets a turn

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A father notices his young son staring at something on the ground.


The father approaches his son and asks what he's looking at.
The boy says that he sees two daddy long legs on top of each other, and asks what they're doing.
They father replies that the two spiders are having sex.
It's a completely natural thing that a mommy and daddy do when they love each other.
The son then asks if one is a daddy long leg and the other is a mommy long leg.
The father says that they're both daddy long legs.
The son stomps on them, killing them.
The father asks why he did that.
The boy replies "I don't want any of that faggot-ass shit in my yard."

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To all the Dads out there, Happy Father's Day... you mother fuckers.

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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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There are an older brother and a younger sister.


The sister went to the bathroom while the brother was in the bathroom.
The sister asks the brother if she could play with his dick and he says yeah.
A few weeks later there was a big storm and the sister goes to the brother's room and asked the brother if she could play with Mr.Cuddles he says no.
Then the sister said that she would tell on him so a little pissed of he says yes.
After a while, the parents hear a scream.
They rush to the brother's room and asks the sister what happened she said "Mr.Cuddles spat on me so I bit his head off."

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As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.


Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

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What sexual position makes the stupidest babies? I don't know either, go ask your mama.

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One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting.


Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean.
They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex.
He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean.
His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.
Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"

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A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex.
The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying.
"You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy.
As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room.
Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump.
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole.
Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?"
The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

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No sex for six months
The doctor told a patient not to have sex for six months. However, after four months, both the man and his wife grow restless and horny. They have sex, and the man is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up and finds his family and friends by his bed to check up on him. He says:"God damn this fuck, everybody knew about it".

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Just saw myself naked in a full length mirror, and I had an epiphany.
Either someone in my family tree had sex with the baboon or pissed off a gypsy.

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I think my Daughter is Sexually Active
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.


The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.


Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman brought up her concerns and handed her a box of condoms.


The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!

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I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.


And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

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A girl married with a man who had only one foot.


Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?"
Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!"
Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"

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Family breakfast (NSFW)
In the morning, the whole family is eating breakfast, but at some point the wife gets horny, and winks to her husband. She excuses herself saying that she's not hungry, and that she will be upstairs to get some rest.

The husband follows her to the bedroom, and they start having wild sex.

The children, still at the tablet, don't understand what's really going on, so they send little Billy to check up on their parents. After a couple of minutes, he comes back, and starts eating like he hasn't seen food for a week.

Intrigued, his brothers ask him, what's wrong? What did you see?

Little Billy, still trying to catch his breath and east at the same time, says: "Eat faster because dad is fucking those who aren't hungry!"

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The sexy Indian [nsfw]
One day a guy(john) is on a plane going to see his family. On the way however, the plane crashes. John then is travelling through the woods until he reaches an indian tribe. Upon reaching the tribe John is greeted by the Indian chief. The Indian chief approaches John saying that he can have sex with any one of his 50 wives. John quickly chooses the redhead. During sex, the redhead moaned "gawatchi" "gawatchi". John was like wow this is the best sex I've had and assumes that the redhead is enjoying the sex. The next day the Indian chief invites John to play golf with him. During the first hole, the chief gets a hole in one. Just as John says "nice" a bird hits the chief in the head. The chief yells "gawatchi" "gawatchi" . John turns to the chief confused as the chief says "At least I got it in the right hole".

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The Birds and the Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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Vaseline research
A market researcher is going door-to-door. After one particular door opens, he's greeted by a mother with two children who seem to be getting under her feet, he asks "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Do you or any other family members or friends use the product?"

"Yes" She says, "My husband and I use it a lot."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"Oh, sex." She answers, matter-of-factly.

The researcher is a little taken back. "People usually lie to me and say that they use it for cuts and bruises, creaky gate hinges, that kind of thing. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. So thank you for your honesty. However since you admitted that that's why you use it, would you mind me asking how exactly you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "Of course, no problem, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out."

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TOP WOMEN JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Funny jokes about housewives, moms and family women.

A family goes to a nude beach....
A family goes to a nude beach and their young son is curious about a few things. He come running back to his parents shouting, "Dad! Dad! There's all these women around with these things on their chest, some are big and some are small!" His dad replies, "Yes son. They're called breasts, the women with the small ones are smart and the women with the big ones are dumb!" So the kid goes off for a bit and then comes running back yelling out, "Mum! Mum! There's men all around with these things dangling between their legs, some are big and some are small!" His mum replies, "Yes son, the men with the small ones are smart and the men with the big ones are dumb!" Satisfied with the answer, he runs off to play again. He returns a few minutes later screaming out, "Mum! Muuuuuum! Dad's talking to a really dumb lady and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

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Three guys die in a car crash...
At the pearly gates, the angel says, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can't send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?

One guy says, I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.

The second guy says, I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.

The third guy says, I want them to say, 'Hey, he's moving!'"

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A women has twins, but gives them up for adoption...
A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

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Classic
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Happy Family
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.


The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"


The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."


The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"



The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.




Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

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Three men on a deserted island find a genie.
The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."

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Three sheiks brag about the size of their family
I have 5 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own basketball team.

Oh yeah? Well I have 11 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own football team.

The third one is in a pinch, since he was blessed only with daughters. But then he thinks of something to brag about.

Oh yeah? Well I have 18 wives.

The other two look at him wondering what sport needs 18 members in its team or how women can be involved. Then the answer comes.

If I wanted to I could form my own golf course.

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Women never listen properly
Wife: I lost my keys

Man: Its in your jeans

Wife: Dont drag my family into this.

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Friend: "I think my mom hit her period last night"
Me: "Oh that's my bad I fucked your mom a little too hard."

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Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

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Why do women have babies? [First] [Terrible Xmas Joke from 95 Year old Grandpa]
Because they take it too seriously when men poke them in good fun.

I know, I know, this is absolutely terrible. But my 95 year old grandpa just said it at his birthday dinner with the rest of the family around... after hitting on 4 women at the restaurant old enough to be my mother. Oy.

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First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.


Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
First woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years!

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A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

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A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

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A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.


He called his mother to share his good news with her.
He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.
When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one.
He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.
She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."
"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."

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So a Man Finds a Magic Lamp...
... The genie comes out and tells the man he has 1 wish.

The man asks "I'd like a transatlantic highway so that I can visit my family in France more easily"

The genie replies "That is a bit of a daunting task, is there anything other than this that you'd like?"

The man says "I've never had any luck with women. So, I'd like to be able to understand a woman's thought at all times and know what exactly she wants."

The genie thinks it over for a bit and says, "So how many lanes do you want this highway to be?"

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6 shots of whiskey
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey
Bartender say " whoa 6 shots? What's the problem" man says " I just found out my older brother is gay"

Next night the Same man walks into the bar again , and orders six shots of whiskey. Bartnender say " what's the matter now". Man says, " just found out my younger brother is gay".

So the next night the man walks into the bar again and orders up 6 shots of whiskey. Bartender says "Geeze man does ANYBODY in your family like women?"

Man then replies "yea, my wife does"

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When you're wondering whether she's his daughter or his girlfriend, she's his girlfriend.

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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.


One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

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A woman goes to their family doctor and tell him.....
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on TV launch he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on TV launch, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his TV launch stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on TV launch, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.


This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.
Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem.

He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

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What did the feminist women get each of her family members for Christmas?
A brand new scratching post

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The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.


"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

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Your best clean joke?
Mine: 3 men are wandering lost in the desert, and stumble upon a lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. He tells them "I will give you each one wish."

The first man says "I really miss my family. I'd love to be back with them." *POOF* He's back with his family.

The second man says "I don't have a family, but I'd love to be on the beach in Hawaii, surrounded by beautiful women." *POOF* He's in Hawaii.

The third thinks for a little while and says "I'm lonely here. I wish my two friends were back here with me."

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The results of a study
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

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CONCLUSION

Best of 440 Hilarious Family Jokes. Laugh out loud on some of the jokes about families. Family jokes that can be short, dirty, disgusting or sexual for dad, mom, kids, marriage.

You've read some of the best family jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about family. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty family gags to your kids.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these family jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our jokes archive.

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