Family Jokes

funny jokes about family and hilarious stories

BEST FAMILY JOKES

Family jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Family of all time along with the funniest family gags ever told.

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?
Arse skin for a friend.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?
Because you don't turn your back on family.

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LATEST FAMILY JOKES

What's the difference between a black man and a bench
A bench can support a family of 5

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My first orgy was like my first baseball game...
'Cept there were loads more balls and somehow more family members came.

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All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.
I beg to differ.

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It was a golden era when there was no internet
In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.

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I hate when people say, "obesity runs in my family"
Bullshit! No one runs in your family!

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Boogers are like your family members...
People will judge you if they see you eating them

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Have you heard that they don't do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
You never turn back on your family.

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I shook my family tree.
A bunch of nuts fell out.

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How do you make a baker cry?
You kill his family.

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In the doctors office
How's it been Albert, have your told your family about the new hearing device?

Not yet doc, but I changed my testimony 3 times already

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Did you hear that Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight?
It was a family feud

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Our family couldn't decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...
So in the end we just let her live.

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It's no wonder the Kardashians are so desperate to be seen
With their family life, it's only natural they don't want to become transparent.

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Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.
It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

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What's the difference between a black man and an elevator
One of them can raise a family.

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I caught my son googling really sketchy porn sites, and I was completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.

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My family is so southern that....
my brother and father are the same person.

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What do you call an orgy in Alabama?
A family reunion.

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A dyslexic Japanese man brought shame to his family name.
Because of this, he had to commit sudoku.

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A dyslexic Chinese man brought shame to his family.
His only choice was to commit sudoku.

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FAMILY JOKES THAT ARE...

Family jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about family, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?
Arse skin for a friend.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.

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Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?
Because you don't turn your back on family.

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I froze myself to -273.1Β°C
..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

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Why don't hillbillies do reverse cowgirl?
Because they don't turn their back on family.

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A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

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I almost got raped in jail ...
My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss
Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

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BEST DIRTY JOKES

Funny dirty jokes about families mom and dad will laugh at.

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."

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So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

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My dad recently passed away and loved dirty jokes. I need some new ones to cheer me and my family up.
Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.

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What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.

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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.

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Q: What's worse than ants in your pants?
A: Uncle.

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What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Jokes about accidents and death for those with dark sense of humor.

This could be considered the ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.


His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

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Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree.


He's been hanging there for quite a while.

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Q: Hey, what's the jew doing in the ashtray?
A: Family research.

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My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.

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Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right roasting.

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Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.


They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"

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"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

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A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.


One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal.
The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.
Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself.
She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.
The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."

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A single car crash kills a Mexican family.
15 people died.

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Cannibals capture three men.
The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Awful and creepy family jokes.

a guy checks into a questionable hotel with his family
as they're checking in, he takes the desk clerk aside. he says, "listen I never stayed here before, I'm with my family, if theres any pornography in the room can you make sure it's disabled please?" the clerk looks at him and replies, "you sick bastard! the pornography in the rooms is regular and doesn't cater to your disgusting fetish!"

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Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore.
Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!

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A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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The is a strip club opposite a indoor golf club personally this is disgusting what if you go for a nice family night out and look out the window
And see a bunch of losers playing indoor golf

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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.


It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.


The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
Again, she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back to put her upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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WHAT ARE FAMILY JOKES ABOUT?

Family is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about family.

Are Family jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring family joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read family jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with family jokes on YouTube.

TOP KIDS JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Jokes about families with babies, little boys and girls.

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

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I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.
My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

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I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.
The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

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I think my entire family is racist.
I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family

My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

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A man kills a deer...
A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

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A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...
...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The three kids jump in and realized that they don't know how to swim.

The mother says to the husband, "Are you gonna jump in and save them?"

The father responds and says, "No fuck those n***ers!"

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...
He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

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A smoker, an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...
The smoker says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any sexual contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The smoker and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The smoker says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.

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I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

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The blonde went to see her doctor.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," she said. "I've been very short-tempered lately. I'm always yelling at my husband and kids over the silliest little things."

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "Maybe you need to exercise more. Tell you what, try running ten miles a day. Call me in two weeks and let me know how things are going."

So two weeks later the doctor got a call. "Well, I followed your advice. I've been running ten miles every day."

"Splendid! And how are things between you and your family?"

"How the hell should I know? I'm 140 miles from home!"

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English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"

The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"

The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

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Family dinner
A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.

During dinner, his son asks:

"Dad, what meat is this?"

The man smiles at his wife and answers:

"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."

At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:

"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

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A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.

"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."

Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."

"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.

"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

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A family of four check into a hotel
The dad asks the manager, "we have kids with us, is the porn disabled?"

The manager replied, "no you sick fuck we have regular porn"

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There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors
He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, pictures of tractors.. everything was about tractors for him.

However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.

He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.

One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family were trapped inside!

He ran to the front door, took a deep breath and sucked all of the flames into his mouth.

Sobbing, his wife came out with the children and screamed 'HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?'

He replied, calmly 'It's easy. I'm an ex-tractor fan.'

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A hillbilly and his wife and kids go out to dinner
The waitress comes around to take their orders, and the hillbilly grabs her ass, pulls her close, and kisses her. The waitress pulls back and shouts, "what are you doing, sir??!!" The hillbilly sits there embarrassed and says, "I thought this was a family restaurant!"

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3 kids are discussing how they were made
One says, "The stork brought me!"
The second one says, "I was downloaded from the internet!"
The third one hangs his head down in shame and says, "Well, my family is poor, and my parents makes everything themselves."

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A father cooks his family venison for dinner, he doesn't tell the kids what the meat is and asks them to guess..
The dad says:
"I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother calls me."

His son yells:
"Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

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A man decided to go skinny dipping
He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he passed a house with an old woman in a rocking chair on the porch. When she noticed what was happening she burst into laughter. The man stopped and said, "Madam, if you were a lady you would not be laughing." Once the woman could control her laughter, she replied, "If you were a gentleman, you would tip your hat!"

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An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.
His entire family is gathered around him.

Sarah, the man calls for his wife...

Im here dear.

And the kids?

We are all here too dad.

And the grandchildren?

We are all here.

Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

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I can't marry you Christina, my family is totally against it.
"This is your life! Who are they to stop you?"

"My wife and two kids"

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You know, Dwayne Johnson was always a special kid...
In third grade, all the other kids drew a family tree. Little dwayne made a family quarry.

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Monkey Business
Cop shows up to a bad car wreck.

Car flipped over, family of four dead.

Cop sees a monkey hopping around trying to get his attention.

He asks the monkey, "Were you in this wreck with the family?"

Monkey shakes his head yes.

Cop asks, "What were the two kids doing at the time?"

Monkey pretends he's fighting with someone.

Cop says, "Ah, kids were fighting. And what was the mother doing?"

Monkey looks over his shoulder pretending to be yelling.

Cop goes, "Ah, yelling at the kids. And what was the father doing?"

Monkey pretends he's drinking.

Cop goes, "I see, he was drinking, hmm."

The cop gets up and is about to walk away, then turns to the monkey and says, "By the way, while all this was going on, what were you doing?"

Monkey pretends he's driving.

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A Brazillian Classic
There was a family with three kids. One day, the eldest kid, Dropey, came up to his mom and asked:

Mommy, why am I called Dropey?

It's because when you were born, a drop of water fell onto your forehead!

Oh, okay!

Then Flowey, the middle kid, got kinda curious, and decided to ask too:

What about me mommy, why am I called Flowey?

It's because when you were born, a little flower fell on top of your head!

Ah, I see!

Then, the youngest kid, Bricky, seeing all this, thought he should ask too:

HURUUUURR AHAHAUHEKAGDKAMNSSS?

A brick, Bricky. That's what fell right onto your face.

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I just saw a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place. Now, I'm pretty liberal, but I think that's taking it too far.
What if you're trying to enjoy a nice afternoon out with your family, but when you leave, your kids have to watch a bunch of losers playing mini-golf?

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So My Family is Definitely Racist...
I started dating an Asian Girl recently and brought her home to meet my family.

The kids wouldn't speak to her and my wife told me to pack my shit and leave.

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Business is going well
A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and lingerie business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 panties and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no panties Ive made 500,000 dollars!'

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A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs.
He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"

He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.

He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"

The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

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China has revised its on child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children.
Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work.

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Two high school kids decide to have sex for the first time.
He goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 2 dozen of his best condoms in preparation for the evening.

Before their big date, he goes to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet her family.

Before they eat, her father asks the boy to lead the prayer.

He leads a beautiful lengthy prayer about resisting temptation and maintaining purity.

As the young couple is walking out the door to go on their date , she says Johnny, I didn't realize you were so religious.

To which he replies, yeah, well I didn't realize your Dad was a pharmacist!

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Since we're doing hotel jokes..
A family comes into their hotel for the night and they get their keys. The father sends the wife and kids to the room and waits until they're out of earshot before giving the concierge a look and saying "I hope the porn is disabled."

To which the clerk responded "It's normal porn you sick fuck."

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Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi
I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.

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When my kids play The Sims, I always disconnect the power from the computer just after they've finished making their family
It's character building

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A Pilot, a Scientist, a Preist and a Boy are on a plane...
The plane is going down fast, and there are only 3 parachutes.
The Pilot says, "I have a family with a wife, 3 wonderful kids and a grandchild on the way!"
So he takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The Scientist says, "I am the smartest man on earth! I have to live!"
So he grabs another parachute and jumps off the plane.
The Priest then turns to the boy and says, "Son, I have lived my life. You should take the last parachute."
The boy responds, "It's okay, we can both live!"
The priest asks, "How is that?"
"Because the smartest man on earth just jumped off the plane with my backpack!"

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A catholic priest and an Indian named John...
One Friday afternoon on the reservation John and his family were starving. John, being a great hunter, went out and killed a deer to feed his wife and kids.

A catholic priest sees this and says, "John! What are you doing? You cannot eat meat on a Friday!"

John says to the priest, "It's not meat, it's fish!"

The priest couldn't believe his ears. He quickly replied, "It is meat and you should not tell lies, John!"

John says, "I assure you father, it is fish."

Cofused and curious the father ask John, "Why do you say it is fish?"

John says, "I sprinkled water on it and I said from meat you become fish."

The priest yells at John, "You cannot do that!"

John says, "Why not father? When I met you I was Mapuche, then you sprinkled water on me and I became John."

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A guy goes on vacation with his family
And asks his friend if he can take care of their cat.

Days into the vacation, he receivea a call from his friend, and he says:

"Hey, your cat just died..."
"Jesus, man! You just messed my vacation! How am I going to tell my kids now? And you should'nt say it like that! First, you'd call and say 'the cat climbed a tree'. Then you'd call and say 'the cat is still in the three'. Then you'd call and say the cat fell and is fighting for his life. Then you'd call and say that cat died!"
"You're right... I'm sorry, I should have done it like that"

Days later, he receives a call from his friend:

"Hey, your mother climbed a tree..."

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Kids Marry The Darnedest Things
A young son declared, When 
I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy.

You can't marry your own mother, said his older sister.

Then I'll marry you.

You can't marry me either.

He looked confused, so I explained, You can't marry someone in your own family.

You mean I have to marry a total stranger?! he cried.

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A family of gingerbread people lives next door to me. I hate their kids.
The crummy little bastards...

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How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

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Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

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"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,
"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "

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Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...
Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

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Who has the most children
There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". The judges were amazed and the crowd applauded.

The judges then called the 2nd contestant, Mr. China. He then sneered at Mr. India and loudly said "Only 100? I have 1000 children!!!". The crowd went wild. The judges couldn't believe that it was even possible.

The 3rd contestant was called. "Mr. Philippines, please come up to the stage. He was sweating. Shows on his actions that he was very nervous. On his was up to the stage, as soon as the crowd sees him, they went wild. They crowd cheered. Everyone on was rooting for him. The judges were amazed as they hear the crowd chant "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!"

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For me, the term "stay-at-home dad" isn't just a term...
It's something my kids say whenever there's a family outing.

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How would 007 make his kids like him?
Family Bonding.

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Complete family talk.....
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

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Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.

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Kids are smarter than adults
I believe that kids are much smarter than adults.
Why?
Because I don't know one kid who has a wife and a family.

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I think my family is racist
I brought a black girl home and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

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The twins
There were two twin brothers called Juan and Jamal who had grown up and left their family to find their luck far away in two different parts of the country.

After a while, missing his sons, their father went to a trip to see them. When back home, his wife, who had stayed home, asked him about their kids.

"I went first to Juan. He is quite fine" he said.

"What about Jamal, did you visit him as well?"

"No need. If I've seen Juan, I've seen Jamal"

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[NSFW] A family walks into a hotel...
The dad being concerned about his kids asks the manager

"I hope you have disabled porn".

The manager stares at him for a while and replies.

"We only have regular porn here, YOU SICK FUCK."

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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

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Divorce Joke my Family Law Professor Told
Elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively. And they are getting a divorce. Judge asks them why they are getting one now...


"we were waiting for the kids to die"

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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A family is paying the bill at the restaurant...
Mother: "Can you pack the leftovers for our dog?"
Waiter: "Sure."
Kids: "Yay, mom's gonna buy us a dog."

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Sometimes I think my family is racist.
They caught me having sex with a black girl and none of the kids would talk to me. Then my wife told me to pack my bags and go.

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6 year old kid looking at Mom's ID card.
Sex: F
He laughs.
Mom: "Whats so funny?"
Kid: "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it."
Husband died laughing.

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If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

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Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?

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An apartment building with three floors...
There is an apartment building with three floors. A different family lives on each floor. Floor one a black family. Floor two a Mexican family. Floor three a white family. Unfortunately a tornado destroys the apartment building at 2:00PM, leaving only one surviving family. Which family survived? The white family ofcourse because the kids were at school and their parents were at work.

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Shoot the kids, hang the family...
And then frame them all

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Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

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A kid was crying standing outside his house.


A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"
Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."
Passer by: "Who is your father?"
Kid: "That is what the fight is about."

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Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

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Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, a joke's on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

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Friends and family sometimes said I was a kid stuck in a man's body.
The police say I'm a man caught in a kids body.

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Heart melting love story: Boy: My wife & 2 kids.
Heart melting love story:
Boy: I can't marry u.
My family is totally against it.
Girl: Who r they 2 stop u?
Boy: My wife & 2 kids.

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I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas?
Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.

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TIL it's ok to tell my new neighbor family that I like kids , but not I like 10-year olds .
I know! It's confusing to you, too, right?

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A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

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We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

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All generalizations are false, including this one.

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I got caught in police speed trap yesterday.

The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.

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A father was advising his son: "

If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

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I've got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation...
so if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

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A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.


The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."

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Little Johnny's brother, Little Jimmy, was in the toilet throwing Johnny's toys in the toilet.


Johnny saw his brother doing this and yelled "JIMMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
His brother replied "Next time you'll think twice before you don't let me play with you."
Little Jimmy threw a toy car in the toilet and said "Bye bye, racecars!"
Little Johnny stuck little Jimmy head in the toilet saying "Bye bye brother!"

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There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine dummy."

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Free pup to a good family
He's a friendly pointer-terrier mix who is full of excitement and energy. He loves kids, but he normally gets kibble.

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I'm a Hispanic man and started a family with my Japanese wife.
The kids names are Mikasa and Tsukasa, we're gonna stop visiting my folks for a while because they always laugh at them.

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How would you describe an anti-vaxxer family with three children?
Double income, no kids.

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My racist family
I think my family is racist beacause the other night i took my black gf home to meet my family
And the kids wouldnt speak to her and my wife to her to leave

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Feeding the family
The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

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The only difference between Brown Family and White Family is that
On an average Brown parents have 4 kids and White kids have 4 parents.

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Fathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter.

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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

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When you were born your mom said: "It's a treasure."
Dad said: "Ya let's bury."

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My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child.

Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

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Dads are like boomerangs... I hope.

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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.

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Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to.

..? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?

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3-year-old: *stares at the baby* What does it do? Me: Nothing yet.

She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is?

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My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

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One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.


Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of chips and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

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Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.

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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

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I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

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TOP MARRIAGE JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Laugh at these marriage jokes about married life.

Premarital sex
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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An older man was married to a younger woman.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

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The mystery of the Last son [long]
A man had four sons. The elder three were tall, muscular and blonde. The fourth son was a brunette and lanky.

The man always questioned if the last son was his. It would eat him inside. But to keep the sanctity of his marriage and family he never bought the topic up.

On his deathbed, he held his wife close and asked her "Darling, is the last child mine? Be truthful so I can die a peaceful death."

The wife replied "Yes dear. He is your own flesh and blood."

The husband breathed his last, content with a smile on his face.

His wife, wiping her tears, felt relieved he didn't ask about the other three.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening [NSFW]
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.
It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink.

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An elderly woman wants to join her husband of 60 years after he died two weeks ago.
She finds his old revolver, and calls the doctor. The doctor, having been the family practitioner for nearly their whole marriage, knows the woman is ready to go. So when she asks him how to end it all quickly with as little pain as possible, he tells her one bullet, straight to the heart, directly under your left breast. The elderly woman thanks him, they say their goodbyes, and hang up.

A few hours later the woman was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

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In an all out fight between a married couple
The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!

The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values...
Stuart said, I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? Leroy replied, I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

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A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.


"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team,"
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

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I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother and says "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me."


Her mother says "Don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father: go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there and he'll never know the difference.


So she does.


They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says "My darling Harriet, to think I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here right now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

.

Your loving husband,

Harry



.


PS your cunt is in the sink.

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Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.

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A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.


One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

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As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.


Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"

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We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.


My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"

Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.


He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

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Where does a cracker meet his future wife? Family reunion.

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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

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A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.

"
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

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TOP DAD JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Jokes about dad's role in family affairs on sex, life and political themes, or Q&A and conversations with kids.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"

The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"

The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."

Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.
"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.
The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

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Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

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[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian
1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

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A father tucks his son in
A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

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The Three Types of Breasts as told from father to son
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

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Boobs vs willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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This one is best said out loud.
A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.

Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"

The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.

As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.

The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."

The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"

"Sure did, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 24 bucks for a fucked-up duck."

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Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

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A family goes to a nude beach....
A family goes to a nude beach and their young son is curious about a few things. He come running back to his parents shouting, "Dad! Dad! There's all these women around with these things on their chest, some are big and some are small!" His dad replies, "Yes son. They're called breasts, the women with the small ones are smart and the women with the big ones are dumb!" So the kid goes off for a bit and then comes running back yelling out, "Mum! Mum! There's men all around with these things dangling between their legs, some are big and some are small!" His mum replies, "Yes son, the men with the small ones are smart and the men with the big ones are dumb!" Satisfied with the answer, he runs off to play again. He returns a few minutes later screaming out, "Mum! Muuuuuum! Dad's talking to a really dumb lady and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

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My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.
We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like someone else. Does he have any family?"

Dad: (gives a thoughtful look before replying) "Yeah he looks really familiar... Oh! His brother is Mike!"

Mom: "Mike Hunt?..."

(My dad breaks out into the biggest grin on record and we both start laughing our asses off)

Mom: "Oh **dammit.**"

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Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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So my Dad walked in on me making out with my girlfriend
I was naturally very embarrased, as I didn't want my parents to know I had a girlfriend and make a big deal about it. But my Dad said to me, "Don't worry son, I won't tell your mother, this will be our little secret".

The next day I'm eating breakfast with my family. My Mom says to me, "Son, where did that hickey on your neck come from?". In response I say, "This is me and Dad's little secret".

Afterwards, everyone at the table got really quiet.

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Family is driving... (don't know how old this but I laughed)
A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the families windshield and everyone gets a big fright. With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's too late and their son asks "Dad, what was that?".

He thinks on his feet and answer "It was just a big insect, son", thinking that they would avoid an awkward conversation.

The son, still puzzled answers "Damn... DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF IT'S DICK!?"

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2 original jokes
Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad!

1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon

2. A family of poothons were floating down a river.

The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?"

The mother replies "don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!"

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A happy family.
Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

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Dad and son at the Doctor
A man and his son are at a doctor appointment.

Their longtime family doctor enters and says "What seems to be the problem," and the dad answers "This is pretty embarrassing Doc but we hired a new Brazilian maid and turns out my son has been messing around with her... and I think he's got herpes."

The doctor says "Don't worry Sir I'll write your son a prescription and he'll be alright. Is there anything else you need?" The dad replies "Well there is something else... I've also been messing with the maid and I think I have it too"

"Don't worry I'll write you and your son a prescription and you can pick them both up today. Anything else?"

"Well Doc, last night I had sex with my wife and now I think she has it..."


"Damn it, now we've all got it!"

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My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

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- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…

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When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.
Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

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Little Johnny....back for more.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"

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Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.
Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

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Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

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My girlfriends family is quite religious.
I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.

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Mom, dad, daughter and the dildo
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, " I am surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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When I was a kid...
... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

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How's it hanging
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?


The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.


This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?


The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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Theory and practice
A family is eating dinner: mom, dad, little Johnny, his sister and his grandpa are all sitting at the table. At some point little Johnny asks his father:
- Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice?
- I'll show you.
He turns to his wife and asks:
- Would you suck a stranger's dick for $10,000?
- Well, the bathroom needs a renovation and we're behind on our mortgage payments and even then there would still be enough left for a nice vacation... I mean it's just one blowjob, right?
Then he asks his daughter the same question
- That's a lot of cash, so yeah, I guess.
- How about you grandpa?
- When I was a lad, I worked 12 hours in a coal mine for a loaf of bread and a place to sleep, what's one blowjob for that kind of money...
The father turns to his son
-See, Johnny, in theory we have $30,000, but in practice, just two whores and a faggot under our roof.

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When does a joke become a dad joke?
After the delivery


(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)

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A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."

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A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

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A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.
Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was looking at PORN, okay?"

The father shouts, "OKAY?!? Young man, when I was your age, I didn't know what 'porn' *was*!"

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

The mother laughs and shakes her head. "Well, he's certainly your son..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

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My father suffers from short term memory loss
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

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So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


[

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An old man lays dying in his bed with all his close family gathered around him...
Dying man: My son... Are you here?

Son: Yes dad, I'm right here with you, our whole family is.

Dying man: Daughter, are you here too?

Daughter: Yes dad, I'm here with your grandchildren, we're all with you.

Dying man: What about my wife and brothers?

Wife and brothers: Us too, everyone is here with you.

Dying man: Then why is the fucking light still on in the living room?

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Family dinner
A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.

During dinner, his son asks:

"Dad, what meat is this?"

The man smiles at his wife and answers:

"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."

At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:

"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

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Little Johnny at the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi
The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."

The boy seemed satisfied with the response for a moment then again questioned the father.

"Dad, why is grandpa named waxing moon?"

The boy's father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when your grandfather was born his parents took him outside and that's the first thing they saw, a waxing moon. Now tell me, two-dogs-fucking, why have you become so curious?

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Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

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3 Stages of boobs
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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My wife's 82 year old grandmother told this joke today at our family dinner
A grandfather and grandmother were visiting their son and family for a night. The father asked the son if he could have one if his viagra. The son said yes but that he needed to leave $10 in the cabinet.

The next morning the son found $110 cash next to the bottle. He went to his father and said "Dad it was only $10, you made a mistake."

The grandfather responded "The $10 is from me and the $100 is from your mother."

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Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...
A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits companionably next to the young man.

The two men chat for a few minutes, and as time goes by, the young man begins to feel more and more uncomfortable- a huge fart is welling up in the recesses of his abdomen. He tries valiantly to suppress it, but finally decides that he can probably safely release it into the cushioned seat, and does.

"Baron!" the dad exclaims.

The relieved young man thinks to himself, "Oh, good. He thinks it's the dog."

They chat on for a minute or two longer, and the young man feels the urge to fart another time, and silently fills the room a second time with a noxious cloud.

The dad again speaks sharply to the dog, "Baron!"

The young man, emboldened by his prior successful gaseous emissions, does so yet again.

"Baron!' the dad shouts loudly this time, "Get away from that man before he shits all over you!"

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Family conversation.
Dad: Say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck you, say, daddy!

Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

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Long joke.
A son asks his dad "what is the difference between fantasy and reality?" His dad said,"go ask the family if they would fuck Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars." So he did. He asked his mom and she said "Yeah! It's a million dollars." He asked his sister and she said "Yeah, he's cute." He asked his brother and he said "Yeah, who wouldn't?" After telling his father this, the father said "well, in the fantasy world, we would have $3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer. "

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How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "

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So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

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My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

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What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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An Amish family visits a mall...
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

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A family of four check into a hotel
The dad asks the manager, "we have kids with us, is the porn disabled?"

The manager replied, "no you sick fuck we have regular porn"

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democracy EL5
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of you, the people and your baby brother, the future.

So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, He gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,

He peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words ."What you think politics is all about."

The little boy, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner
BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.

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A rite of passage
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

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My Dad is a real family man.
He has three of them

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I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together
Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

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I thought this was funny.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...
finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

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Little Joe was at the farm, when he saw a dead chicken.
It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.

Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.

"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.

Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"

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new family robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."The robot slaps the mother.Robot for sale.

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nsfw Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly........
At Family Dinner:
Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly and you told me, "no butter for a week?"
Dad: yeah...
Son: and when sis killed that honeybee and you said, "no honey for a week?"
Dad: yeah, that was a month ago. So what?
Son: Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?

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Dad, are we a family of arsonists?
Yes, yes we arson.

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Dad finds out that his first daughter is lesbian...
Dad: Oh ok then.
Second daughter: I'm a lesbian too...
Dad: For fuck's sake is there anyone in this family who loves men?
Son: I do...

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Explaining how the parliament works.
One day a boy asks his dad how the parliament works. So his dad tells him,
"Well, i am the working man of the family so think of me as capitalism. Your mom is the government, your baby brother is the future and the housekeeper is the working class. Now ponder over what i've told you and tell me what you understand."
That night, the boy's brother shit his diapers, when he goes to call his mom, she doesn't wake up and his dad isn't there. So he goes to the housekeeper's room and finds it locked. He peeps in and sees his dad banging her.
The next morning the boy says to his dad,
"I finally understood how the parliament works. While the government sleeps and the future is in deep shit, capitalism is screwing the working class."

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A family walks into a hotel
The dad says to the clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk responds with, "No, it's just normal porn you sicko."

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Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.
After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" no one is in any other part of the house?"

His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"

The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

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A family walks into a Hotel...
The Dad walks up to the desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The receptionist says "It's regular porn you sick fuck."

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Politics, explained.
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the Family, so call me The President
Your mother is the Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep shit..

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After my dad died in WWII...
My family moved to America. I was still young so I don't remember a lot about it. I ended up going to the University of Maryland-College Park. My first couple of days there were nice and I was getting to know a lot of people. However, I was slowly beginning to realize that the athletes weren't the most popular people on campus. It was actually the brothers of a Jewish fraternity. I began to realize that they gathered every Tuesday to tell stories about their family in WWII. People would show up and listen and every night the brothers of this fraternity had a different woman in bed with them. They were using sympathy to get sex! I thought it was an amazing idea. I started telling people that I was Jewish. I would bring it up whenever I could hoping one of them would here me. One day, they did. A brother overheard a conversation I was having and invited me to join them on the next Tuesday. I was amazed! I showed up and it got started. Everyone was telling stories and it finally came to me. I started, "My dad actually died in a concentration camp". A couple of the guys look at me and ask, "Which camp?" Shit, I think. I don't know any camps. "Auschwitz" I say. "Wow, that place was bad. My Uncle was there." One of the brothers says. A guy looks at me, "How did he die?" It gets really quiet and everyone looks at me. I put my head down and say, "He fell out of the guard tower..."

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I just shot my mum, my dad, my sister and my brother.
Then my aunty walked in the door with my cousins and I shot them straight away. My grandma and grandad came in, I let them have a cup of tea before I shot them too. Tomorrow I've got to shoot my wife's whole fucking family!

It's hard work being the family photographer.

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Born without ears
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby, but the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He then said, "Did the doctor say he can see good?" The mother said a bit bewildered, "Yes..., why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, 'cause if he needs glasses he's screwed!

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A father and his 11 year old son are walking through the pharmacy one day.
As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"

The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have sex to be safe and not get girls pregnant."

"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.

"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"

"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.

"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.

"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.

With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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A father cooks his family venison for dinner, he doesn't tell the kids what the meat is and asks them to guess..
The dad says:
"I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother calls me."

His son yells:
"Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

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"Mom, where did people come from?"
"God created us"

"But Dad said we came from monkeys"

"Dad told you about his side of the family. I am telling you about mine"

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Eat Your Broccoli
Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.

Dad: What was that for?

Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

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A mother and son were washing dishes while...
...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."

"How do you know?"

"She didn't say anything."

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Funny Fart Jokes (family friendly)...
A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"

Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"

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An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.
His entire family is gathered around him.

Sarah, the man calls for his wife...

Im here dear.

And the kids?

We are all here too dad.

And the grandchildren?

We are all here.

Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

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A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...
His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

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PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'

The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.

He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'

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My dad says his friends called him a loser
After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

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A family is on a nudist beach for the first time
**The kid asks his dad:** "Why do some guys have a small one and others a big one?"

**His dad:** "Well you see, the less you have down there, the more you have in your head. The more you have down there, the less you have in your head.

***15 minutes pass***

**Kid:** Look dad! The more that guy is looking at mom, the dumber he gets!

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A man brought home a lie detector.
He told his family: "This robot will slap anyone that tells a lie."

 

During dinner,

Dad: "How was school, son?"

Son: "It was nice, we had to write an essay."

The robot slapped the son.

 

Son: "Ok, I skipped school to go to a friend's house."

The robot slapped the son again.

 

Son: "Fine! I went to a whorehouse!"

The robot did not do anything, but the dad was shocked.

Dad: "How could you? When I was your age I didn't even know what was a whorehouse!"

The robot slapped the dad.

 

The mum, who was angry at first, couldn't help but laugh and said, "Well, he is your son after all!"

Then the robot slapped the mum.

 

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A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

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Family Drive
A young boy is sitting on the back seat out on family drive. The family are driving behind a large truck. As they are driving behind this truck it hits a pot hole in the road and a dildo falls out of the back of the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that"? The boy ask his Father from the back seat.

The Dad turns to the back seat and says. "Argh..nothing son, it was just a insect".

To which the boy replies "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big".

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Another adult joke :p
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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There was a black family...
And their kid smeared flour all over themselves.
He show his mother, "look mom, I'm white!" He said. The mom slaps the kid and says, "wait until your father gets home.

The dad comes home and the kid shows himself, "Look dad, I'm white!" The dad slaps the kid and says, "cut that shit out."

They go over to their parents house and their parents ask the kid, "so what have you learned about being white?"

The kid said, "Well I've been white for three hours now and I already hate you niggas!"

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when I was a kid, our family was very poor....
I remember when my dad was cutting onions and our whole family was crying. poor onions. he was such a good dog

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss ....
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
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A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...
... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

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A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.
A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks. The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.

The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son's confused face, he tells him, It's for Ron .

Who's Ron

Later Ron .

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Cutting Onion
When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

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What's the best part about living in a black family?
You never have to hear a dad joke.

Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost

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little johnny likes to gamble.
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

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TOP SEX JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Funny sex jokes for adults for those who like it kinky and dirty.

Premarital sex
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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An older man was married to a younger woman.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.
The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

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A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead..
A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,

All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.

The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "

The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !".

The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS "

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious
It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

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What sex position are you not allowed to use in the south?
Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.

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Someone asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with
I mean, obviously, anything for family

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A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow
She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."

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Adult joke
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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(NSFW) The whole truth
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.

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Mother explaining where babies come from to her daughter
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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The Birds and the Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?
Use incesticide.

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"Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with?"
"Of course, anything for family!"

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Family breakfast (NSFW)
In the morning, the whole family is eating breakfast, but at some point the wife gets horny, and winks to her husband. She excuses herself saying that she's not hungry, and that she will be upstairs to get some rest.

The husband follows her to the bedroom, and they start having wild sex.

The children, still at the tablet, don't understand what's really going on, so they send little Billy to check up on their parents. After a couple of minutes, he comes back, and starts eating like he hasn't seen food for a week.

Intrigued, his brothers ask him, what's wrong? What did you see?

Little Billy, still trying to catch his breath and east at the same time, says: "Eat faster because dad is fucking those who aren't hungry!"

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Curious Children
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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You should never have sex with anyone in your family...
Even if they inceest.

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How does sex work Mommy?
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

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-Expensive- Jewelery
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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You should never have sex with your family member.
No matter how much they incest!

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Baking a Cake
A family was out at a movie and there was a sex scene. Their little girl asks "What are they doing?"
Her mom replies "They are baking a cake." On the way home they saw two people in the park having sex. The little girl asks the same question. Her mother replies "They are baking a cake honey."
The next morning the little girl asked her mom "Were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Her mom says "No of course not, why?"
"Because I licked the icing off the couch."

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[NSFW] A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?" the girl asks.
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina." "That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

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A father and his 11 year old son are walking through the pharmacy one day.
As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"

The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have sex to be safe and not get girls pregnant."

"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.

"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"

"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.

"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.

"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.

With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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What's the best part about a redneck family fight?
The makeup sex

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A mother was in a kitchen...
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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Why do rednecks only have missionary sex?
Because they refuse to turn their back on Family

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sexual exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.


After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl during sex?
Because they don't turn their back on their family!

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Did you know that West Virginia's state sport is sex?
It's a game the whole family can enjoy!

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Mom where do babies come from.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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What's the best part about a rednecks sex life?
It's something the whole family can enjoy...

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I sexually identify as a female
I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet
The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.

When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for sex"
Then when the daughter arrives the parrot says: "A new face has come"

Then when the father comes home, the parrot says: "John, I haven't seen you in weeks, would you like the usual?"

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening [NSFW]
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.
It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink.

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What's the difference between family bonding and family bondage?
One is forced and borderline torture, the other is sex.

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Why should you never have sex in an Olive Garden?
Because when you're there, you're family.

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Do you know what happens when you have unprotected phone sex?
You end up on the family plan!

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Two high school kids decide to have sex for the first time.
He goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 2 dozen of his best condoms in preparation for the evening.

Before their big date, he goes to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet her family.

Before they eat, her father asks the boy to lead the prayer.

He leads a beautiful lengthy prayer about resisting temptation and maintaining purity.

As the young couple is walking out the door to go on their date , she says Johnny, I didn't realize you were so religious.

To which he replies, yeah, well I didn't realize your Dad was a pharmacist!

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LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.
Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

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What can you say during both sex and a family dinner?
Oops, I spilled on the baby!

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Paddy Irishman goes to the Zoo
Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for Β£500?". Paddy replies, " Ok, I will on 3 conditions:

1st, I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd, my family must never know.

3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

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"Doctor, I've listened to your advice, about getting my family involved in trying to help me recover."
He said, "Well, I've told you what the cures are. There are three. Two of them your children should have been able to aid you with, the third is sex."


"Yes," I said, "of that I am aware."


"So..." he began. "What does your son give you?"


"Ibuprofen."


"What does your daughter give you?"


"Paracetamol."


"Then what does your wife give you?"


"A headache."

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Mother kidding me
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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Donald Trump doesn't want to have sex with his daughter
He just has "alternative family values"

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Sex education
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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Are you a mum?
I am not a dad!
Maybe you could help me with that!

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What do you call sex within the royal family?
Princest.

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Me and my coworker was having sex, until we got caught...
It really ruined the family buisness

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A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.

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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A little kid learns some new words.
There is a 4 year old kid, now obviously, he doesn't know any bad words, it is the day before Thanksgiving. His family is coming over to visit tomorrow so his parents have sex that night. Things got pretty intense and the child hears the word "bitch." The next day, the child asks his mom what bitch meant. Shocked, she said it meant "a beautiful person." Later, his dad is shaving and getting ready for the family, but he cuts himself with the razor, he says "shit!" The son hears him again, he asks, "what does shit mean?" The dad says it means "shaving." After, the mom is cutting the turkey, she slices her hand a little and exclaims, "Fuck!" The child asks, what fuck means. She says it means "to carve." Suddenly, the doorbell rings and the mom asks the son to get it, it is his grandparents, the son says. "Hi, bitches! Hang your things over here on this hanger. My dad is in the bathroom because he cut himself while shitting and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values...
Stuart said, I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? Leroy replied, I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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Q: What's worse than ants in your pants?
A: Uncle.

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What do you call a lemon that has sex with its family?
In*zest*uous

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The teacher had given the class an assignment.


He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

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You're the cumshot that your mom wanted to swallow but your dad couldn't pull out in time.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

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Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&

M magazine in her son's room.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"
"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

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Making a sandwhich
So one day a family are checking into a hotel. There is a lack of rooms so they have to make do with one with a bunkbed. The mum and dad are on the top bunk and their son, the bottom

So late at night, the son wakes up to his parents saying things. They had code words for sex and the mum said tomato for faster and lettuce for slower. Eventually the boy shouts up to his parents

"mum dad, stop making sandwichs, you're getting mayonnaise all over me"^(I'm Sorry)

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6 year old kid looking at Mom's ID card.
Sex: F
He laughs.
Mom: "Whats so funny?"
Kid: "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it."
Husband died laughing.

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Friend: "I think my mom hit her period last night"
Me: "Oh that's my bad I fucked your mom a little too hard."

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Sometimes I think my family is racist.
They caught me having sex with a black girl and none of the kids would talk to me. Then my wife told me to pack my bags and go.

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Never have sex at an Olive Garden.
Because when you're there, you're family.

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Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

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I have had sex with SO many clients on the job
And my family said being a school teacher would suck!

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I'm the GodFather of sex!!!
I take it to the matress and I keep it in the family!

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother and says "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me."


Her mother says "Don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father: go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there and he'll never know the difference.


So she does.


They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says "My darling Harriet, to think I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here right now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

.

Your loving husband,

Harry



.


PS your cunt is in the sink.

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I was fired from my last job after the owner caught me having sex with his wife.
Which really sucks, because I was next in line to inherit our family business.

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Whats the difference between a hillybilly family reunion and a hillbilly funeral?
At the funeral, there's DEFINITELY one guy not enjoying the sex.

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Yo momma's like a door handle... everybody gets a turn

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A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

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Daughter ask her mother where do babies come from
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

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the best part about arguing with family
make up sex

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Working out is like sex
It's the best way to make your family larger.

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So, we're doing race jokes: What do you call it when 5 white people have sex?
A family reunion

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To all the Dads out there, Happy Father's Day... you mother fuckers.

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A father notices his young son staring at something on the ground.


The father approaches his son and asks what he's looking at.
The boy says that he sees two daddy long legs on top of each other, and asks what they're doing.
They father replies that the two spiders are having sex.
It's a completely natural thing that a mommy and daddy do when they love each other.
The son then asks if one is a daddy long leg and the other is a mommy long leg.
The father says that they're both daddy long legs.
The son stomps on them, killing them.
The father asks why he did that.
The boy replies "I don't want any of that faggot-ass shit in my yard."

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A girl married with a man who had only one foot.


Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?"
Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!"
Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"

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I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.


And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

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A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex.
The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying.
"You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy.
As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room.
Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump.
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole.
Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?"
The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

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One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting.


Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean.
They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex.
He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean.
His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.
Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"

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What sexual position makes the stupidest babies? I don't know either, go ask your mama.

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

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As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.


Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"

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There are an older brother and a younger sister.


The sister went to the bathroom while the brother was in the bathroom.
The sister asks the brother if she could play with his dick and he says yeah.
A few weeks later there was a big storm and the sister goes to the brother's room and asked the brother if she could play with Mr.Cuddles he says no.
Then the sister said that she would tell on him so a little pissed of he says yes.
After a while, the parents hear a scream.
They rush to the brother's room and asks the sister what happened she said "Mr.Cuddles spat on me so I bit his head off."

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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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What do you call a guy who has sex with women outside of his family?
A Clitourist.

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So People who wait till they're married,
Only ever have sex with their family?

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A friend asked me if I'd take a bullet for the first person I had sex with
I said, Sure! Anything for family.

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Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner
How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

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Why do we rednecks never do the reverse cowgirl position during sex?
We never turn our backs on family.

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I was talking to my friend from Arkansas yesterday.
I asked him if he'd take a bullet for the last person he had sex with.

Ya damn right I would! Anythang fer family!

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When you get Married, Your Wife/Husband becomes part of your Family and having sex with them is technically incest.

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Sex is like a jigsaw...
...it's more fun with the family.

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I had sex with someone in my family last night...

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Things you can say after sex and and during dinner to your family:
Thanks grandma that you came.

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TOP WOMEN JOKES THAT ARE FAMILY

Funny jokes about housewives, moms and family women.

There was this man who walked into a bar..
And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "

The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "

The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "

The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .

Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "

The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! "

Edit : Thank you kind human being for my first goldie !

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A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.
The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

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A family goes to a nude beach....
A family goes to a nude beach and their young son is curious about a few things. He come running back to his parents shouting, "Dad! Dad! There's all these women around with these things on their chest, some are big and some are small!" His dad replies, "Yes son. They're called breasts, the women with the small ones are smart and the women with the big ones are dumb!" So the kid goes off for a bit and then comes running back yelling out, "Mum! Mum! There's men all around with these things dangling between their legs, some are big and some are small!" His mum replies, "Yes son, the men with the small ones are smart and the men with the big ones are dumb!" Satisfied with the answer, he runs off to play again. He returns a few minutes later screaming out, "Mum! Muuuuuum! Dad's talking to a really dumb lady and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

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6 shots of whiskey
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey
Bartender say " whoa 6 shots? What's the problem" man says " I just found out my older brother is gay"

Next night the Same man walks into the bar again , and orders six shots of whiskey. Bartnender say " what's the matter now". Man says, " just found out my younger brother is gay".

So the next night the man walks into the bar again and orders up 6 shots of whiskey. Bartender says "Geeze man does ANYBODY in your family like women?"

Man then replies "yea, my wife does"

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Nude Beach
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Three guys die in a car crash...
At the pearly gates, the angel says, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can't send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?

One guy says, I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.

The second guy says, I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.

The third guy says, I want them to say, 'Hey, he's moving!'"

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The Boyfriend and the Old Dog.
A boyfriend is having his first dinner at his girlfriends house with her parents. Things are going great when the women leave the table to give the men some time to talk. Suddenly, the boyfriend feels bloated and is trying to not fart in the dead silence. The family dog, Duke, is sitting under his chair and he gets an idea. He slowly lets one go when the father yells "Duke!". The plan worked and he lets a louder one go. "Duke!" the father says again. The boyfriend finally decides to go for broke and lets out as much as he can. "DUKE! Get out from under that chair before that boy shits on you!"

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So a Man Finds a Magic Lamp...
... The genie comes out and tells the man he has 1 wish.

The man asks "I'd like a transatlantic highway so that I can visit my family in France more easily"

The genie replies "That is a bit of a daunting task, is there anything other than this that you'd like?"

The man says "I've never had any luck with women. So, I'd like to be able to understand a woman's thought at all times and know what exactly she wants."

The genie thinks it over for a bit and says, "So how many lanes do you want this highway to be?"

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A women has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Amal. The other one goes to a family in Spain, and is named Juan. Years later, Juan send a picture of himself to his biological mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But honey, they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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WALKS INTO A BAR DOUBLE VODKAS
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Your best clean joke?
Mine: 3 men are wandering lost in the desert, and stumble upon a lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. He tells them "I will give you each one wish."

The first man says "I really miss my family. I'd love to be back with them." *POOF* He's back with his family.

The second man says "I don't have a family, but I'd love to be on the beach in Hawaii, surrounded by beautiful women." *POOF* He's in Hawaii.

The third thinks for a little while and says "I'm lonely here. I wish my two friends were back here with me."

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A women has twins, but gives them up for adoption...
A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

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A boy was nervous about his first date
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card:

"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender to give 10 shots of whiskey.....
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

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Classic
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Interview with a stage magician
* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.

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A senior citizen gives birth
Modern medicine has allowed women to give birth at an even older age than than they had been able to do so before.

Using this new in vitro technology, a 65 year old has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says not yet.

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says not yet.

Finally they say, When can we see the baby?

And the mother says, When the baby cries.

And they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says, because I forgot where I put it.

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The young women who couldn't pay her rent
There was once a young lady who couldn't afford to pay her rent and as a result started doing bondage porn to make ends meet. The filming was extremely demanding and she ended up dying from complications. Her family was quoted saying she would still be here if she hadn't been strapped for cash.

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A man who walked into a bar and says
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

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Happy Family
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.


The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"


The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."


The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"



The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.




Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

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Three men on a deserted island find a genie.
The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."

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Three sheiks brag about the size of their family
I have 5 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own basketball team.

Oh yeah? Well I have 11 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own football team.

The third one is in a pinch, since he was blessed only with daughters. But then he thinks of something to brag about.

Oh yeah? Well I have 18 wives.

The other two look at him wondering what sport needs 18 members in its team or how women can be involved. Then the answer comes.

If I wanted to I could form my own golf course.

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I like my women like I like my heirlooms
In the family

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Women never listen properly
Wife: I lost my keys

Man: Its in your jeans

Wife: Dont drag my family into this.

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A wife and her husband are planning their family, the topic of gender comes up and the wife says: "Men are from mars, Women are from Venus, what do we want my dear?"
Husband: "I'm pretty sure they're both going to come from somewhere closer to Uranus, honey."

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A man and his wife were watching Family Feud...
When this question came up:

"What age do women stop looking for Mr.Perfect and settle for Mr.Okay?"

"25!" his wife shouted.

"What, that's crazy!" the man argued.

"Well that's when I married you."

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Not a nice joke
After my elder brother's wedding, all old women in the family started teasing me by saying "You're next, You're next"

So, I started saying the same to them on funerals

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Friend: "I think my mom hit her period last night"
Me: "Oh that's my bad I fucked your mom a little too hard."

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Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

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Why does a redneck go to a family funeral?
To meet women.

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I like my women like I like my wine...
Opened up with a cork screw and shared around with my whole family

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First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.


Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
First woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years!

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Why do women have babies? [First] [Terrible Xmas Joke from 95 Year old Grandpa]
Because they take it too seriously when men poke them in good fun.

I know, I know, this is absolutely terrible. But my 95 year old grandpa just said it at his birthday dinner with the rest of the family around... after hitting on 4 women at the restaurant old enough to be my mother. Oy.

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A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

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A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.


He called his mother to share his good news with her.
He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.
When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one.
He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.
She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."
"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."

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You might be a redneck if...
...you go to your family reunions to pick up women.

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The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem.

He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.


One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

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When you're wondering whether she's his daughter or his girlfriend, she's his girlfriend.

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A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.


This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.
Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.


"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a guy who has sex with women outside of his family?
A Clitourist.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

Best of 440 Hilarious Family Jokes. Laugh out loud on some of the jokes about families. Family jokes that can be short, dirty, disgusting or sexual for dad, mom, kids, marriage.

You've read some of the best family jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty family gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these family jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Family jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Family joke? You are free to share every Family joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

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