The Best 84 Family Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Family jokes. There are some family generations jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these family family business puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Family Jokes and Puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Family joke, My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..


Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Family joke, My 93 year old grandfather FTW

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian

1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

You can explore family clan reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean family friends dad jokes. There are also family puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Iยดm at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

Family joke, A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

I almost got raped in jail ...

My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

 

 

*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*


My family treats me like a god

They only talk to me when they want something.

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

I froze myself to -273.1ยฐC

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf

What are the symptoms? The doctor asks

They're that yellow family that live in Springfield

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

What sex position are you not allowed to use in the south?

Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I๏ธ said, No, in fact, I๏ธ like your mother in law a lot better than I๏ธ like mine

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

The f in orphan stands for family

wait

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.

That didn't sound right, so he tried again.

Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.

That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.

(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

What a selfie called taken by an orphan?

A family photo.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked: How much did you make?

$804 she said

Which idiot gave you $4 ??? he asked

Well... everyone...

Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...

It's my longest running joke of the year so far...

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their piss.

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

I think my family is racist



I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But unexpectedly the 50 year old husband said.
"This is really romantic and wonderful, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry honey, but I want a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her magic wand once again, and immediately turned the guy into an 80 year old man.

My family gatherings follow Jenga rules

No winners. Just one big looser who ruins it for everyone else. Thanks uncle Steven.

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

Meeting the Parents

A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriend's home to meet her parents for the first time. The mother hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its testicles. To break the ice, the boy looks at the girl's father and says, "I wish I could do that!"

The father looks at the boy and says, "Give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"

The Holy Family were unable to participate....

...in the conference call.

There was no Zoom at the inn.

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.

A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:

'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'

'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'

'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'

The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I never knew your husband had amassed such wealth'

'Wealth!' Shouts out the grandmother 'These are his window cleaning routes'

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the family dysfunctional family jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working family family appropriate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes