family Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious family puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

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One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

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The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

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I think my family is racist...

when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

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I froze myself to -273.1Β°C

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

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A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

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I almost got raped in jail ...

My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

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Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

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Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

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Introducing my girlfriend to the family

Me: This is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

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I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

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Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

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Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

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Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

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My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

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Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

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I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

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A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf

What are the symptoms? The doctor asks

They're that yellow family that live in Springfield

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My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

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A penis has a hard life

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

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A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

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What are the most funny Family jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Family? Well, here are the best Family dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Family pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes