Family Jokes
149 family jokes and hilarious family puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best family jokes to bring your family together in a light-hearted way. These humor and laughs are especially suited for all ages, gatherings, and occasions — no matter how large or small the family reunion. Whether it’s a zinger from the long-running show ‘Family Guy’ or an Italian proverb passed down in your own family, explore our collection to find your hilarious tradition and store it in your clan’s shared memories.
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Funniest Family Short Jokes
Short family jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family humour may include short community jokes also.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- A man crosses the mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
- What's the difference between Thailand and America? Thailand reunites boys with their families.
- I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her. - I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment. - What's better than enchiladas? n+1 chiladas.
(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny). - Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg. - Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby. Who's the biggest in the family? The baby of course - because he's a little Bigger.
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
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Family One Liners
Which family one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with family? I can suggest the ones about group and team.
- I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
- The f in orphan stands for family wait
- A japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
- I inherited my great-grandfather's antique wig-making equipment. It's a family hairloom.
- What a selfie called taken by an orphan? A family photo.
- My family treats me like a god They only talk to me when they want something.
- I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly He wasn't even Il
- What STD do sailors get the most? Merm-aids
(Inspired by a Family Guy joke) - I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters
- I need glasses to see my family Specifically, two glasses of scotch.
- Why is it good being an orphan Every bag of chips is family sized
- When Vanna White dies... Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
- Why are Alabama weddings so small? Because you only need to invite one family.
- I like my butter how I like my family In bread.
- Why are there no Jewish Jedi family's? Because they have no force kin
Family Friendly Jokes
Here is a list of funny family friendly jokes and even better family friendly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's Alabama like? My new company owner is from there. Seems friendly, he said he's going to treat us employees like we was family?
- There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die He's unbereavable
- Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?" His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"
- What's the worst thing for a cannibal to say to a friend? Your family has impeccable taste.
- I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?
- An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend's house as they couldn't taste anything.
- My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don't know why. I've asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.
- My good transgender friend My good transgender friend doesn't like to talk about growing up in a very religious family.
She was a heathen. - My dad says his friends called him a loser After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.
- Me talking to a friend Friend : Has anyone ever told they love you?
Me : Does family count?
Friend : Of course!
Me : Then no
Family Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny family day jokes and even better family day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence? Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days) - Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage. He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.... Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family.
- They should make another Taken film about how unappreciative Neesons' family is for saving them every other day Taken 4: Granted.
- What's the best part about living in a black family? You never have to hear a dad joke.
Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost - I took some days off from work to break my personal sleep record. Unfortunately my family has not been supportive of my "dreams".
- Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related... It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors
- Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.
- Kid and dad A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?"
The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.
" The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!" - China has revised its on child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children. Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work.
Family Guy Jokes
Here is a list of funny family guy jokes and even better family guy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
- Did any of you hear about that deaf guy who saved a family from a burning building? Yeah neither did he.
- Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls? Family reunions.
- I want Family Guy to sing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious... ...though Disney probably won't let them because they find the idea quite atrocious.
- Guys, why all the hate for Ajit Pai? He just made a mistake. You can't blame him. Making mistakes runs in the family.
- Why was the mushroom invited to the party? He had a connection to a guy who could get cheap beer when buying in bulk, and he had connections to a family member of the host.
Oh and he was a fungi. - Christmas traditions Guy 1: hey what are you going to do on the Christmas holidays?
Guy2: family dinner, you?
Guy2 1: the same... Gets less every year... - What do you call a guy who traveled to his family just for their condiments? Home for the Hollandaise
- Two guys are talking about their family histories... GUY 1: Hey, I heard you're Einstein's distant cousin.
GUY 2: I'm not sure, really. It's just a theory of relativity.
Family Reunion Jokes
Here is a list of funny family reunion jokes and even better family reunion puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Funerals are like family reunions minus one
- What is the saddest family reunion? A chicken omelet
- Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning Runs in the family
- What's more covered in sweat than a marathon runner at the end of a race? Josh Duggar at a family reunion.
- How is the south dealing with birth control They are banning family reunions
- West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions Not The Onion.
- My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama To keep things simple, I call him "dad."
- What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion? Seeing your ex.
- My single friend told me he just wants to find someone he can relate to. I told him to try the family reunion.
- Family reunions must be really awkward in the south... Especially when you see your exes there
Amusing Family Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about family you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean relationship jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't h**... ever try reverse c**...?
Because you don't turn your back on family.
My 93 year old grandfather FTW
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
That pig is a hero.
One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.
The category was "Describe your s**... life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I almost got r**... in jail ...
My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?
It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.
My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...
A Mexican man was visiting America.
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...
He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...
Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?
He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
My mum suffers with short term memory loss
Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
One day when I was young......
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.
Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"
How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?
"Sorry, not Sari."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My three favourite things
My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had s**... with
I mean, obviously, anything for family
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf
What are the symptoms? The doctor asks
They're that yellow family that live in Springfield
People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.
We now live in a one bedroom unit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What s**... position are you not allowed to use in the south?
Reverse c**..., you never turn your back on family.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..
Me: But mom, I lov.....
Mom: I was talking to her.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A family takes their sick dog to the vet.
The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking w**... at a family gathering....
.....but the i**... part would be the gathering.
Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas
The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been n**... in WWII...
It's called Facebook.
Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19
They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.
Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.
I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids
The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.
I was born male and I identify as male, yet...
... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!
A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.
Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history
Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their p**....
Sadly, it runs in our jeans.
Got the whole ice cream shop with this one:
While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.
I proceeded to ask Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?
Confectioner - I'm not sure… the morning crew makes the batches
Did they learn at sundae school???
I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.
He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.
"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."
"Yes, sweety?"
"I, uh, I'm gay."
"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"
"Grandma!!!!"
"Well??"
Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"
Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...
St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.
-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.
Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.
-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!
-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...
An Irish boy comes home after school. His father asks him how his day went. The boy replies: "I think I'm in love."
His father says: "But that's great, son! Tell me, who are you in love with? Is it Fiona?"
No.
"Is it Mary?"
No.
"Is it Rosy?"
NO, dad... I... I'm in love with Tim.
The father explodes:
"Tim? TIM? My son, why are you doing this to your family?
Tim is Protestant!!
