Family Guy Jokes
98 family guy jokes and hilarious family guy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family guy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Family Guy Short Jokes
Short family guy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family guy humour may include short american dad jokes also.
- Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg. - I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
- Did any of you hear about that deaf guy who saved a family from a burning building? Yeah neither did he.
- I want Family Guy to sing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious... ...though Disney probably won't let them because they find the idea quite atrocious.
- Guys, why all the hate for Ajit Pai? He just made a mistake. You can't blame him. Making mistakes runs in the family.
- Why was the mushroom invited to the party? He had a connection to a guy who could get cheap beer when buying in bulk, and he had connections to a family member of the host.
Oh and he was a fungi. - Christmas traditions Guy 1: hey what are you going to do on the Christmas holidays?
Guy2: family dinner, you?
Guy2 1: the same... Gets less every year... - What do you call a guy who traveled to his family just for their condiments? Home for the Hollandaise
- Two guys are talking about their family histories... GUY 1: Hey, I heard you're Einstein's distant cousin.
GUY 2: I'm not sure, really. It's just a theory of relativity.
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Family Guy One Liners
Which family guy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with family guy? I can suggest the ones about wise guy and fun family.
- What STD do sailors get the most? Merm-aids
(Inspired by a Family Guy joke) - Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls? Family reunions.
- Who do you guys think invented dancing? It was a big Irish family with just one toilet.
- A guy that smokes cannabis with his family is inweeding
- What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy? A family friend paying a visit.
- What's the differce between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
- Guys, cut the white nationalists some slack. They're just one big happy family!
- Why would Joe from Family Guy be bad at comedy? He can't do stand-up.
- Why is Family Guys Quagmire called Quagmire? Because he gets *morass* than anyone else!
- The creepy guy has a terrible secret in his attic A family of Jews
- On Family Guy, why is the Griffen's internet so slow? They only have one meg.
- Why did the Chinese guy put his whole family on a diet Because they had too many Chins
Silly Family Guy Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about family guy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean family feud jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family guy pranks.
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's."
"Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple.
Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work.
Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl.
Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby.
Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your d*c**... at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more John replied in the negative.
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back.
"You let in too much light!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the world Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... identify as a female
I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas
Superman grandpa
On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?
Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
So a guy lies on his death bed.
An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"
I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.
Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.
"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"
"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If you're in a hurry, though, you might pick something less popular, that no one's waiting for."
Over the crowd I could see the drink signs above each window: Coke, Sprite, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Hawaiian Punch, Mountain Dew, Guinness... "How long is the Guinness line?" I asked.
He laughed, "That one wraps around the back of the building and trails off into the parking lot outside. I think they're going for a world record or something."
I didn't have time for this guy's jokes, so I asked, "Is there a punch line?"
"Nope."
There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family...
There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family. He was a very smart boy, but he never did well in school because he lacked motivation. His parents tried everything: meeting with his teachers, one on one tutoring, etc.; however, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, they decided to send him to a private school, thinking a different environment would him good. Unfortunately, there are not many Jewish private schools, so they had to settle on sending him to a Catholic school. Surprisingly, this worked. The parents got his first report card and were astounded: all A's. The parents wondered what brought about the change. They said to their son "You made all A's! Even in math! (previously his worst subject) what changed?" The son replied "When I walked in on the first day and saw the Jewish guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."
Financial Planning like a pro
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial planning seminar, It was given by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was bright and personable to boot. Dan fell in love at first sight. He told her, "I may look pretty ordinary, but my father will probably die soon and I will inherit the family business and a large fortune. Impressed, the woman asked Dan for his business card, and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Photo Album
A young boy was looking through
the family album and asked his
mother, "Is this you on the beach?
Mother says "Yes, it is"
Son asks "Who's this guy with you with all the
muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed
fat man who lives with us now?"
There was once a man born with no arms...
So his family gave him to the local church. At first they had a hard time figuring out what to do with an armless guy, so they just had him teach choir. But one day, It was time for mass, and no one was there except the armless man. He knew the bell had to be rung to summon the people, so he walked up the stairs to the bell tower. After contemplating for a bit, he ran straight up to the bell and rung it with his face. When the minister and everyone else returned, they were so amazed with his performance that they designated him the official bell ringer. So he went on like that every day, slamming his face into the bell to ring it. One day, however, he slipped and fell off the bell tower to his death. Citizens crowded around him in horror. "does anyone know this armless guy?" a man called out. " I'm not sure," said another guy, " but his face sure rings a bell."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Catholic School
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"
A fine country lady is hosting a dinner party
and she wants to serve her famous Mushroom Soup. She invites over the whole neighborhood for dinner. The day of her big event she runs out of mushrooms and the small country store is sold out. She panics! "What evah shall I do??" she pleads to her husband.
"Well" he says "There are lots of mushrooms growing back in the cow pasture. We could use those." "Absolutely not!" she yells. "Those might be poisonous!"
He replies "Tell ya what, I'll go back and pick some and you make a small batch of soup. We'll feed it to the dog, Jack. If he is OK in an hour or so, we'll know they're OK". With no other options, she agrees. He goes and gets the mushrooms, she makes up some soup and old Jack just LOVES it. He horfs it right down and is just happy as a clam.
Few hours go by and old Jack is just dandy. The lady of the house goes into full Dinner Party mode. She is running behind schedule now so she calls the neighbor girl over to help her prepare. The lady figures she should warn the girl about Jack but doesn't want to confess the whole story. She tells the girl to just keep a CLOSE EYE on Jack, that he is very special to the family, and to let her know if anything comes up.
A few hours later the guests start to arrive and they all sit down for an absolutely wonderful presentation of Mushroom Soup. The guests are raving about it. They can't get enough. Everyone is just having a wonderful evening,..
When all the sudden the neighbor girl bursts into the room in hysterics! "OLD JACK IS DEAD!!!!" she cries. "HE'S DEAD, JUST.. DEAD!!"
The country lady immediately jumps into action. She calls the paramedics, the hospital and the police! They all arrive quickly and begin pumping stomaches and administering anti-poison medicines. People are puking in the yard, screaming, and crying. Ambulance after Ambulance comes and goes with guest after guest for what seems like hours.
Finally.. at 5am an exhausted lady and her helpful neighbor girl are setting in the kitchen trying to take stock in what happened. The neighbor girl looks over at the lady and says
"It really is a shame. The guy that ran over old Jack didn't even stop."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys die in a car c**......
At the pearly gates, the angel says, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can't send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your f**..., and it will become true. What do you want it to be?
o**... says, I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.
The second guy says, I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.
The third guy says, I want them to say, 'Hey, he's moving!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final
He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.
MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"
GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...they are all currently at her f**...!"
⚽⚽⚽
FIFA FEVER
Going to be Emceeing my sister's sweet 16 birthday tonight. Do you guys know any good jokes?
Just some clean jokes because there will be family there also and about 150 people in total and I cant find any amazing ones online.
Thanks
The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School
A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a black guy and a bench (offensive)
A bench can support a family.
The Indian Driver
An Indian guy was driving with his family, when he noticed that a cop car was following him. After a couple seconds, he pulled over, and one of the cops came out to his window. He rolled it down and asked, "Is there a problem, officer?"
The cop said, "No, no problem at all, sir. We have been observing you for your entire right. You've stuck to the speed limit, followed traffic rules and were respectful to other drivers. It's Road Safety week so you've been selected as the Best Driver today. So allow me to present to you this $1000 cheque as a token of our appreciation."
The Indian was so pleased. "Great! Now I finally have money for a driver's license."
The officer did a double take. Immediately, the Indian's wife said, "Oh, don't mind him, officer, he blabbers when he's drunk."
This prompted the driver's old mom to mutter, "See, this is why you shouldn't pull over when you're driving a stolen car."
A guy is telling his friend a story...
Guy: A nut in a bar was telling the bartender's family he could jump over the sun
Friend: I'll bet he failed, ha!
Guy: Technically no...
Friend: What? But it's impossible for someone to jump over the sun!
Guy: He almost did - but his foot got caught on a loose nail - he fell into the middle of the sun.
Friend: ... Okay... Where is he?
Guy: In the hospital with a head injury
Friend: (jokingly) and where's the sun?
Guy: He's in the hospital too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you guys hear about that dolphin at SeaWorld that committed s**...?
Apparently after he was separated from his family and forced into captivity, he lost all sense of porpoise in his life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
A f**... procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely n**...
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the n**...," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...
But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife's. We've been to all 49 Superbowls, but she passed away." "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find any friends or family to come?" "No, they're all at the f**...."
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
A guy takes his family to see monkeys in a zoo...
Unfortunately, the monkeys are indoors furiously mating. The guy asks the keeper, ''Would they come out for a few nuts?'' The keeper replied, ''Would you? ''
English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey don't be racist!
I have a black guy on my family tree...
And he's still hanging there
Please stop
A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donut Man
What did the donut delivery man say to the guy who was r**... and murdering his entire family?
"Please donut do that"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a hillybilly family reunion and a h**... f**...?
At the f**..., there's DEFINITELY o**... not enjoying the s**....
A poor mexican went to a hill to pray for a way to feed his family
As he was praying a black guy was walking nearby with groceries when he dropped his cheese wheel and it rolled to the Mexican. The Mexican grabbed it, praised god, and ran home.
When he gets home he instructs his wife to make nachos with the cheese.
"Why nachos" asks his wife "we can make so many better meals with this cheese"
"No" said the Mexican "god instructs me to make nachos."
"What do you mean" asked the wife
"As I was praying God sent me the cheese wheel and as I was running home with it I heard him yelling That's Nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
Three guys are stranded on a desert island
Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells them: "I will grant each of you one wish".
The first guy says: "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, I just want to be home." His wish is granted.
The second guy says: "I've always wanted to see the world so I wish to be in Paris." His wish is granted.
The third guy says: "Oh man, now I'm all alone :(.
I wish the two other guys back!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income
Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: What does your sign say?
Guy 1: No work, wife and 2 kids to support. What does your sign say?
Guy 2: Need a few bucks to go back to my country.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A family is on a nudist beach for the first time
**The kid asks his dad:** "Why do some guys have a small one and others a big one?"
**His dad:** "Well you see, the less you have down there, the more you have in your head. The more you have down there, the less you have in your head.
***15 minutes pass***
**Kid:** Look dad! The more that guy is looking at mom, the dumber he gets!
[credit to Mohammed Ali - r.i.p] Mohammed Ali walked on an Elevator...
He sees a guy and a pregnant woman in the elevator.
Ali looks at the guy and says "I swear I never saw her before in my life".
note: this really happened. Older family members who bumped into him in the late 70's to early 80's said he was really funny in real life.
A guy says to his friend...
My wife have died and I've been trying to cry infront of her family but just can't, his friend tells him try imagining her coming back to life....
Word on the street he's been crying for 2 days now
Two guys from the 50's
Two guys from the 50's were talking out front of one's house.
The first neighbor says to the other, " what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"
The second neighbor looks at him and replies, " I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags."
When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...
I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.
Three world famous conductors walk into a bar
A fan comes up to them and asks them, What's your secret to being such a successful conductor?
Conductor 1: I just always remember to stay calm and do what I practiced
Conductor 2: I always think about doing it for my family
Conductor three stares at them with a confused look
He says, I don't know what you guys are doing, I'm usually busy making sure I'm not holding onto my electrons to tightly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
True Love
Guy: "who'd ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"
Man: "That was my wife's seat, we have been to the last five World cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
Guy: "Oh.... That's terrible and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat..
But, these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member or friend with you?"
Man: " No .....
They all are at her f**...! "
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy in West Virginia gets a girlfriend...
He runs to his dad and says, "I just got a new girlfriend and she's a v**...."
The dad says, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
[Pelican family pay for meal with $100 notes]
WAITER: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?
PA PELICAN: \[Dignified\] We're as God made us, Sir
I love Halloween
It's the one night of the year where I can dress in drag and have it be about the holiday and not a lifestyle choice that disappoints my family.
-Guy Glover
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A trol guy at an ITALIEN f**...
He turns to the family and goes : it's such a shame he ... PASTA WAY!
Isaac Newton was having a family reunion...
It turns out that his cousin Gravity is a really down to Earth guy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the different between a black guy and an elevator
An elevator can actually raise a family
Classic Family Guy Joke
Peter: Brian, Look! There is a message in my Alphabet Cereal. it says, "oooooo"
Brian: Peter! You are eating Cheerios.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
What do you call the violent guy whose family was slaughtered, yet he still spits out word jokes constantly?
The punissuer.
A guy once dated a very nice girl, and had a fair relationship with her family.
One night after she proposed to me, her sister came up and said: "I know you liked my sister all the way, but if you'd like one wild time before the wedding, come up to my room.
He immediately headed to the front door, and was met by his father-in-law with tears: "I always knew you were the right choice for our daughter, Wellcome to the family!"
Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in your car
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers f**...?
Unbereavable...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The t**... says "Give me money or I shoot the girl"
The family looks at each other and the boy says, "Does this mean I get her car?"
The mother says "I thought we weren't bringing work home, dear."
And the father shrugs and says, "He's doing this for free. I don't know the guy."
Then the t**... gives up and says, "this family is more messed up than me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.
Dave wanted two things:
1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my Father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman requested his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his Stepmother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
family who saw mirror for the first time
a guy from a family which had no concept of a mirror one day found a mirror he looked into it and saw a good looking friendly man looking back at him, he took the mirror home and talked to his reflection all day everyday for a couple days his wife and mother got alarmed and one day decided to check the mirror
"is this the ugly b**... my husband has been talking to" the wife said while looking at the mirror
"oh don't worry she is so old she'll die soon" the mother replied
A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time
The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?
Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.
Cabbie: so is frank your friend or...?
Passenger: no I've never met him but I married his ex wife
A fairy once appeared and told a family couple
"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But unexpectedly the 50 year old husband said.
"This is really romantic and wonderful, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry honey, but I want a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her magic wand once again, and immediately turned the guy into an 80 year old man.
