Family Friendly Jokes
122 family friendly jokes and hilarious family friendly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family friendly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short Family Friendly Jokes
- Family Friendly One Liners
- Family Friendly Christmas Jokes
- More Family Friendly Jokes
Funniest Family Friendly Short Jokes
Short family friendly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family friendly humour may include short child friendly jokes also.
- Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg. - What's Alabama like? My new company owner is from there. Seems friendly, he said he's going to treat us employees like we was family?
- There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die He's unbereavable
- Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?" His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"
- What's the worst thing for a cannibal to say to a friend? Your family has impeccable taste.
- Do you know anyone who will be alone without family or friends for Christmas? Because I need to borrow some chairs.
- I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?
- An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend's house as they couldn't taste anything.
- My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don't know why. I've asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.
- My good transgender friend My good transgender friend doesn't like to talk about growing up in a very religious family.
She was a heathen.
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Family Friendly One Liners
Which family friendly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with family friendly? I can suggest the ones about kid friendly and kids friendly.
- I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
- My friends and family treat if as if I'm a god! They don't believe in me
- My girlfriend is like a goddess... My friends and family don't believe she exists.
- A fat friend said baldness runs in his family I replied with nothing runs in your family
- "Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country." -His 3rd wife
- How does every Romanian recipe start? 1. Steal a chicken.
From an old family friend. - Friends are like family ...Too bad I'm an orphan.
- What is the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your friends and family you're gay.
- How does a Xenomorph reveal its sexuality to friends and family? At night. Mostly.
- Keep racism where it belongs Between family and close personal friends.
- What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy? A family friend paying a visit.
- You know the old saying from Alabama...Keep your friends close... But your family closer.
- Are your friends and family not calling you? Stop paying for your Netflix account.
- What's "dengue"? When you're out to friends and family; not really closeted.
- Killers normally target Family and friends Good thing I don't have any friends.
Family Friendly Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny family friendly christmas jokes and even better family friendly christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he'd alienated all of his friends and family by repeatedly asking them to touch his bones.
- My new girl friend is always saying Christmas gifts should be "personal". So I was disappointed to discover... ...my whole family named on the court order.
Quirky and Hilarious Family Friendly Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about family friendly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean school friendly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family friendly pranks.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
k**... Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux k**....
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux k**.... I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...
... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.
In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.
families
so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.
Empty seat at the world cup
Its the world cup final and a man sits down and realizes that the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the guy the other side of the seat and asks. "is the person sitting here with you?"
The man cheerlessly replies, "it was my wife's seat, but she sadly passed away"
"how awful, do you not have any family or friends you could have given the ticket to?"
"well no, they're all at the f**..."
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
A Blond a red head and a brunette are stuck on an island
A magic lamp washes up and they rub it and a genie comes out, he says I will give you all one wish each. The brunette wishes to be home, the red head wishes to be with her family, the blond starts crying the genie asks why and she says "I wish for my friends back!"
A brunette and a blonde are stranded on an island.
Suddenly, a magical genie appears to them. He says, "You girls have stumbled upon an unfortunate fate. Therefore, I will grant you each one wish."
The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family!"
"So it is done," the genie says, and the girl is poofed home.
The blonde looks over to where her friend had just been standing and says, "Aw man, I wish she hadn't left me here."
Final exam
My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?"
After the chuckling died down, the professor replied, "Nope, you can use your other hand to write."
A boy and his father are playing catch
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
What's the difference between squash and zucchini?
You can't zucchini bugs!
A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
Funny f**... Jokes (family friendly)...
A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"
The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"
Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who f**...?"
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
A French Girl gets her Period
My friend's family is French.
His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.
Then one night she got her period.
Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.
Three girls are stuck on an island
They find a lamp and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish. The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *p**...* shes gone. The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *p**...* shes gone. The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying. He asks "why are you crying?". She responds "I wish my friends were back".
A friend of mine was run over by a red lorry,
then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
When the policeman informed his family he said
"There's no easy way to say this"...
Crossing the Border
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
Today I made this one without knowing it at first...
I always keep forgetting unimportant things and my friend asked me: "Does someone in your family have alzheimer?"
Me: "Not that I would know..."
My friends starts laughing, I realize why and join in.
2 out of 15
MY friend Sophie said to me recently:
"Did you know 2 out of 15 families live next door to a p**...?"
I replied in shock:
"oh that's actually quite worrying... That isn't the case with me though; I live next to two smoking hot 10 year old's"
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the f**... really awkward.
My friend got angry at me for sniffing his sister's p**....
It didn't help that they were still on her.
Or that their whole family was watching.
This made the rest of the f**... quite awkward.
My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.
Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the f**... very awkward.
My best friend got mad at me for sniffing his sisters p**...
I'm not sure if it was because his family was around or the were still on her, but whatever it was, it really ruined the f**...
Me talking to a friend
Friend : Has anyone ever told they love you?
Me : Does family count?
Friend : Of course!
Me : Then no
Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s**... or family relations?
Asking for a friend.
All my friends and family thought I'll be a broke socialist out of college
**BUT I BECAME A BOLD CAPITALIST**
Can you work a pole?
So the other night my friends and I are having a few drinks and our one female friend is an ex-stripper, so we got into the topic of dancing and she looked at me and said yeah, can you work a pole xschlots? And for some reason the first comment that comes out is I mean yeah my family's mostly German. Working poles was our thing I have never heard a more deafening silence followed by laughter
A guy says to his friend...
My wife have died and I've been trying to cry infront of her family but just can't, his friend tells him try imagining her coming back to life....
Word on the street he's been crying for 2 days now
They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed s**......
So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.
Two men are sat at a cup final with an empty seat between them.....
The younger man says " I cant believe there is an empty seat here on a match of this importance"
"It was my wife seat, but she recently passed away" replied the older guy.
"oh im sorry to hear that, didnt you have any friends or family that wanted to come with you today?" Said the younger man.
"No" said the older guy.........."they are all at the f**..."
My friends and family laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they aren't laughing now.
My fat friend said I'm fat because it just runs in the family
I responded with Ha! Nobody runs in your family
My friend really got mad at me for sniffing his sister's p**......
I think part of the reason was that the rest of the family was there. It really made the rest of the f**... awkward...
Final Memories
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.
Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?
Not anymore, it's was suppose to be my wife's.
Why isn't she here?
She died.
I'm sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?
They're all at her f**....
My dad says his friends called him a loser
After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.
My friend got made at me for smelling his mothers underwear.
I'm unaware whether it was cause she was there or cause the rest of the family was there. Either way it made for a uncomfortable f**....
When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike
People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
A blonde, redhead and a brunette
A blonde, redhead and a brunette are lost and have found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appears and grants them 3 wishes in total.
The redhead wished to be back home.
p**..., she was back home.
The brunette wished to be back with her family.
p**..., she was back with her family.
The blonde said: Wow! I wish my friends were here.
My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sister's pants.
Probably because her family all saw me too.
And that she was still wearing them probably didn't help.
It made the rest of her f**... really awkward.
Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?
Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)
Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.
VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.
At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.
Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.
What happened?
I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.
Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.
Well, she was still wearing them.
Oh, that's even worse.
Yeah, it ruined her whole f**....
Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.
Two r**... were fishing when one asked the other "If I slept with your wife, wouldn't that make us like family?"
His friend replied "No, that would make us even".
I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.
A close friend recently died, and at the f**... I asked if I could say a word
The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".
Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.
I met a happy gay couple while passing through Mobile, AL
I asked if it was hard being gay here because I heard these jokes about how backwards Alabama is. They laughed and said it was a fair question, but all of their friends were really cool with it. I thought this was great news, so I asked how their families felt about it. I was shocked when they said everyone but their sister was also really supportive.
family who saw mirror for the first time
a guy from a family which had no concept of a mirror one day found a mirror he looked into it and saw a good looking friendly man looking back at him, he took the mirror home and talked to his reflection all day everyday for a couple days his wife and mother got alarmed and one day decided to check the mirror
"is this the ugly b**... my husband has been talking to" the wife said while looking at the mirror
"oh don't worry she is so old she'll die soon" the mother replied
A foreign family is about to travel to america
The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said
"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"
A man goes to a bar, and constantly orders whiskey all night so the bartender asks him what's wrong.
A man goes to a bar, and constantly orders whiskey all night so the bartender asks him what's wrong.
"I've just found out my brother is gay and he's getting to my best friend"
The next day the man goes back to the bar and does the same thing as the day before, and again the bartender asks him what's wrong.
"I've just found out my son is gay and is sleeping with my boss"
On the third day, before the man orders his whiskey the bartender asks "does anyone in your family like women?"
The man replies "Yeah, my wife".
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time
The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?
Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.
Cabbie: so is frank your friend or...?
Passenger: no I've never met him but I married his ex wife
When your in your casket............?
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God,
who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian
To show up at my f**... in black suits and say "thank you boss", then leave.
Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.
