Family Day Jokes
138 family day jokes and hilarious family day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Family Day Short Jokes
Short family day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family day humour may include short family vacation jokes also.
- What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence? Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days) - Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage. He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.... Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family.
- They should make another Taken film about how unappreciative Neesons' family is for saving them every other day Taken 4: Granted.
- What's the best part about living in a black family? You never have to hear a dad joke.
Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost - I took some days off from work to break my personal sleep record. Unfortunately my family has not been supportive of my "dreams".
- Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related... It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors
- Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.
- Kid and dad A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?"
The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.
" The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!" - China has revised its on child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children. Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work.
Share These Family Day Jokes With Friends
Family Day One Liners
Which family day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with family day? I can suggest the ones about family reunion and fun family.
- Today my family is celebrating my dad's 100 days w/o alcohol he is in a coma
- Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
- Which time of day is the best to be sad about a dead family member? In the mourning
- What day of the week do New York families play with their kids? Toysday
- Happy Valentines Day, who's your date today, your mom?
- At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.
- Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.
- Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
- What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.
- Too Soon? My family went to see 'The Interview' on Christmas day, it was a real blast!
Comical Family Day Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about family day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas family jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family day pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets. He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a s**.... The other man said "well thats unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But should'nt you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the f**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her p**... and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your p**...,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place.
A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal.
Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?
A conversation among my Children's Church a while back.
A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!"
The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"
Once a teacher asked one of her students to memorize the numbers from 1-10.
And that night when he was memorizing he saw his mother drinking 7up, so the next day the teacher asked the student to say the numbers that he memorized so he replied," 1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10".
The teacher was confused so she asked the student," Where is the 7" so he said," my mom drank it last night!"
A girl married with a man who had only one foot.
Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?"
Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!"
Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've 3 aunts and 4 uncles in any ceremony of wedding they mention me : "oh , Bill you are enough grown up , the next time will be your turn."
I also in payoff on f**... days tell them: "Woo you are enough old I hope next time would be your turn!"
One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.
Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of chips and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my t**... when I'm told the price of anything.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.
I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.
I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
Offer to wake up early and make pancakes for your family. Cut up round, pancake-size pieces of cloth beforehand. Coat the cloth pieces with batter and cook them up. They look like actual pancakes, but can't be cut, even with a knife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Lonely Weekend
A West Virginia man decided to go to the mountains for the weekend. After the first day he became somewhat lonely and hired an e**.... When she arrived, he invited her in and they were about to seal the deal when she asked "Before we start, what's your mother's maiden name?" Puzzled, the man told her and everything continued as planned. When she was on her way out after being paid, she handed him $20 back. "What's this for?" he asked. "Family discount."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My experiences working at an electronics store...
On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wise Italian Grandfather.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The McDonalds
When I was 8 I brought in my tomogatchi (**ignore spelling**) to a McDonald's. my family sat down to eat and I saw this girl with a tomogatchi too. She stares at me then goes into the bathroom. I wait a minute then follow her in. She was waiting for me. We linked our games and had tomogatchi babies together.
Still to this day, the most s**... thing I have ever done.
families
so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.
That pig is a hero.
One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
The boy went to say his nightly prayers....
His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out.
A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy"
The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong.
She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"
Man like Mum !!
A child asked his father: "What is a man?"
The father replies, "A person who takes responsibility for his family and his house and takes care of them."
Then the child said, "I hope I will be a man like Mum one day" !!!
I want to make a special present for my dad's birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?
He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together
Pregnant Lady on the Train
A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Making a sandwhich
So one day a family are checking into a hotel. There is a lack of rooms so they have to make do with one with a bunkbed. The mum and dad are on the top bunk and their son, the bottom
So late at night, the son wakes up to his parents saying things. They had code words for s**... and the mum said tomato for faster and lettuce for slower. Eventually the boy shouts up to his parents
"mum dad, stop making sandwichs, you're getting mayonnaise all over me"^(I'm Sorry)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tomatoes Family
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Catch up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Geometry
Dale was the first of his h**... family to make it past the second grade.
One day, Dale's pa asked, "What did y'all learn today in that geometry class?"
Dale replied, "Pi r squared".
"Dadgummit!", yelled Dale's pa, "I knew that there fancy school tweren't no good! Pie are ROUND! CAKE are square!"
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...
It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.
At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.
A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing b**... at the Post Office stole £5."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for six shots of v**.... As soon as the bartender gives it to him, he downs them in four seconds flat.
"Rough day, huh?" Says the bartender.
"Yeah," coughs the man, "I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the man comes back in, asks for six more shots, and downs them as fast as he can.
"What happened today?" Asked the bartender.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay, too." The man replies.
The third day, the man comes in, asks for the whole bottle of v**..., and starts chugging it. The bartender is mortified.
"Does *anyone* in your family like women?" He asks.
"Yeah," the man replies, "my wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... boy meets his dream girl!
A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.
"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."
Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."
"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a v**...."
At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."
Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"
"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GOD SENT YOU
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no s**... in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
My wifi has been down for the past few days...
My wifi has been down for the past few days so I've been conversing with my family. They're actually pretty cool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
A boy goes to the circus
and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"
Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.
Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.
Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"
The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the other day I called my girlfriend fa-
All family and friends are welcome to the f**...
In the days before the Internet...
did black people watch Cops to see what their family and friends were up to?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...
anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?
Country life is different from city life.
One day my mother told me the family dog had gone to another farm, where it was butchered.
My friends and family all laughed at me when I told them that one day, I was going to be a great comedian...
Well, nobody's laughing now!
The inventor of the Big Mac died the other day....
His family ordered the most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like the picture.
Christmas Day accident
Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.
His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking past the f**... directors.
I was walking past the f**... directors the other day, and I looked in, and was shocked to see a large, hairy elephant in a black suit showing a family a head stone.
I thought to myself "That's a mammoth undertaking."
A little girl asks her father where people came from.
He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.
Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's right, dear"
Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said. "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.
No I didn't honey. Your Mom was talking about her side of the family
One day when I was young......
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.
The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."
Me and my wife were having an argument about which family we will spend Christmas Day with...
I'm sure many couples can relate. I want to spend it with mine and she obviously wants to spend it with hers. It led to a big argument where she yelled, You like your family way more, you hate my relatives
I replied, That's not true, I like your mother in law way more than mine
A guy says to his friend...
My wife have died and I've been trying to cry infront of her family but just can't, his friend tells him try imagining her coming back to life....
Word on the street he's been crying for 2 days now
My new family doctor wrote me a prescription
... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.
Barry likes the number five.
He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.
One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.
It finished fifth.
I saw an ad for a php developer at Pornhub the other day
It was really attractive but I don't know if I could bring myself to admit before my friends and family that I do php
An Irish peanut farmer recently got married...
His new bride wants to be a part of the family business, and the farmer thinks that's a great idea, so he has her start trucking deliveries into town. A couple days go by, and the farmer's neighbor stops in to see how things are going with the new misses, and the farmer says Well, she just started drivin' me nuts.
A new boy has just enrolled at school and the teacher remarked on his unusual name, Aday.
I've never heard that name before, she said
My father thought of it, said the boy.
I was the 10th kid in our family, and when I was born, Dad said: 'For cryin' our loud, let's call it a day!'
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, when he was visiting family, Sleezy Steve happened to notice his cousin had become very attractive..
Steve: Hey cuz! Wanna play r**... family reunion?
Cousin: What?! No!
Steve: That's the spirit.
Having family spend time at your house and eating seafood are basically the same thing.....
Great at first but start to stink after a couple days
Why did the grandpa have a seizure in the middle of a family gathering?
- Because he wanted to seize the day.
Was watching this show with my family the other day.
All the scenes were people singing in the shower while bathing themselves.
Such a strange soap opera.
My family criticized me for drinking so early in the morning...
But the clock on the oven has said 325 all day
