Family Christmas Jokes

66 family christmas jokes and hilarious family christmas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about family christmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Family Christmas Short Jokes

Short family christmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The family christmas humour may include short christmas family jokes also.

  1. Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything
  2. I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living... My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
  3. Do you know anyone who will be alone without family or friends for Christmas? Because I need to borrow some chairs.
  4. Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas? Because he was Snowden.
  5. I was going to give my family a cat for Christmas, Unfortunately it died before the 25th... I guess it makes it a future present that passed.
  6. Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party. It was a total buzzkill.
  7. My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"
  8. This year, my family and I are having a 'Brexit-themed' Christmas dinner... It's the same as a regular Christmas dinner, but without the Brussels.
  9. I'm not a good cook. At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes.
  10. Why did my family serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap for Christmas breakfast? Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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Family Christmas One Liners

Which family christmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with family christmas? I can suggest the ones about traditional christmas and christmas holiday.

  1. My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!
  2. I gave my family moving pictures for Christmas today. They were great gifs
  3. What did the Mexican family get for Christmas? Deported
  4. What game do M Night Shymalan's family play at Christmas? Secret Satan.
  5. What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pear.
  6. What did the orphan get for Christmas? A family.
  7. Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
  8. Christmas makes me realized that I actually do love my Husbands family ...Psych
  9. Too Soon? My family went to see 'The Interview' on Christmas day, it was a real blast!
  10. What did the kid who lost his entire family in a car c**... get for his Christmas? Cancer.

Great Family Christmas Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about family christmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids christmas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make family christmas pranks.

Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.

"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"

A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.

The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Christmas time. v**... and wine.

Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the w**... and mum's high on crack. Christmas is special when your family is black!

Cultural Diversity--True Story

When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."
That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.
In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"
We never went back.

An orphan had a rough year...

He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, "I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans." Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, "Cause they don't beat anybody."
[Insert the listener's favorite sports team for bonus laughs]

I play Santa every Christmas Eve for my family. What one liners/short jokes should Santa tell this year?

Christmas with the family

While I greatly enjoy the presence of their company, I prefer the company of their presents.

I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas?

Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.

Our family never could afford much nice for Christmas...

So one year I told my mom "I just want something I can play with." She said ok, went to the local thrift store to find me something, got me a good old used pair of overalls about my size and cut me a hole in the right pocket.

My new girl friend is always saying Christmas gifts should be "personal". So I was disappointed to discover... whole family named on the court order.

Money is really tight this year...

My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.

I give my family the best gift there is to give every Christmas.

I give them the gift of giving.. presents to me.

My wife won't be making it to family Christmas this year; She's got a black eye

There was a misunderstanding, she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.
His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of h**... Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

The dinner prayer

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...
Little Boy: But I dont know how to pray
Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy: "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor n**... ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."

Me and my wife were having an argument about which family we will spend Christmas Day with...

I'm sure many couples can relate. I want to spend it with mine and she obviously wants to spend it with hers. It led to a big argument where she yelled, You like your family way more, you hate my relatives
I replied, That's not true, I like your mother in law way more than mine


That's the last time I hire a dyslexic priest! Now my family can't celebrate Christmas and my daughter's possessed.

Can anyone pretend to be my gay lover at my family Christmas party?

My real ones are all busy this year.

My mom had the family watch the boy in the striped pajamas a few years ago.....

She thought it was a christmas story.
I wish this was fictitious.

Christmas is a time for all the family to be together...

apart from that, it's quite enjoyable.

What do you call it when Einstein performs a Christmas play with his family?


Christmas traditions

Guy 1: hey what are you going to do on the Christmas holidays?
Guy2: family dinner, you?
Guy2 1: the same... Gets less every year...

My family got angry at me for practicing for The Price is Right

I guess I shouldn't practice during Christmas

Traditionally, we always have a family christmas jumper...

...It's always my job to talk him down :/

I remember last Christmas we were sharing stories from the previous years. My sister had skipped the past and went right for the present. The whole family noticed the mistake.

It was intense.

It's Christmas. TIL Santa Clause really hate gay people.

Ever since I told my family I'm gay, I haven't have any christmas gifts.

I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway...

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

Feeding the family

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?

Because he'd alienated all of his friends and family by repeatedly asking them to touch his bones.

A dog is running awa

A dog is running away from a farm.
The pig asks him why?
The dog replies, "this family doesn't want me man, I'm out"
The pig says what do you mean, the humans always pet you, they take you in walks, you have free reign over the farm. To which the dog replies, "not even pig, all I get for food are left overs, you get corn, and fruits, look how fat you are. I even overheard Papa say he was going to make you Ham for Christmas!!"

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to h**...'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

jokes about family christmas