Fami Jokes

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

Are you a mum?
I am not a dad!
Maybe you could help me with that!

When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.
So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.

My son was like "I got a D in my maths" and I was like "That's really bad" and my wife was like "you need to stop doing his homework."

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?
Dad: They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying Oh God, I'm coming but she didn't float anywhere..

According to my family tree

I'm the sap.

families

so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.

Why are families only allowed 1 child in China?

The government is opposed to euthanasia.

You are my family? Nice to meet you!

Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters

Family Fight

My neighbours' family had a huge fight yesterday. Allegedly it started when their son introduced his girlfriend and granny responded: 'See what happens when you don't pray?'

My family treats me like a god

They only talk to me when they want something.

Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful...

...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead.
I beg to differ.

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

A family is at the table eating dinner.

"I don't like Grandpa" said the boy to his Mom.
"That's okay honey, just finish your potatoes instead." She replied.

Family reunions must be really awkward in the south...

Especially when you see your exes there

Our family never could afford much nice for Christmas...

So one year I told my mom "I just want something I can play with." She said ok, went to the local thrift store to find me something, got me a good old used pair of overalls about my size and cut me a hole in the right pocket.

My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

My whole family loves iron

It runs in our blood.