Falls Asleep Jokes

140 falls asleep jokes and hilarious falls asleep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about falls asleep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Falls Asleep Short Jokes

Short falls asleep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The falls asleep humour may include short fall asleep jokes also.

  1. Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex? Because they still need to drive home
  2. I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
  3. What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
  4. Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night.
  5. CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately Trump says it's all just fake snooze.

    Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.
  6. Girl are you a dishwasher? Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish
  7. Did you hear the one about rim jobs? It's very tongue in cheek.
    -came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC
  8. I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. Apparently you can't lie on your resume.
  9. What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep? A bulldozer.
    I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.
  10. I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp

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Falls Asleep One Liners

Which falls asleep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with falls asleep? I can suggest the ones about fell asleep and asleep.

  1. I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.
  2. There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
  3. How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly? You don't.
  4. My daughters fall asleep to white noise. So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.
  5. Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep? He was resisting arrest.
  6. What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear? Everyone would fall asleep
  7. What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
  8. What do you get when your feet fall asleep? Coma-toes
  9. What do you call it when your foot falls asleep? Coma toes.
  10. Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping... That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!
  11. What do you get when paper towels fall asleep? Napkins!
  12. What do you call a machine that makes kids fall asleep? A kidnapper
  13. When people's feet fall asleep, why don't their toes signal for help? They're coma-toes.
  14. Where do babies always fall asleep? inside a hot car
  15. I was supposed to fall asleep in 18 minutes But 6 minutes later I was dozen off

Unearthly Funniest Falls Asleep Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about falls asleep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean falling asleep jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make falls asleep pranks.

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

At this time of the year....

....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

If all men fall asleep immediately after s**......

Then what's so hard about catching rapists?!

KGB is Always Watching!

One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

if men fall asleep directly after s**... . . .

why is it so hard to catch a r**...?
-Jimmy Carr
p.s. never high five a rabbi


3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting j**... off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky b**.... I just dreamed I was skiing."

Why did the motorcycle fall asleep?

It was two-tired.

You fall asleep in lecture

and when you wake up you cannot remember what class you are in. A demonstration is happening at the front of the class. How do you figure out where you are?
If the demo moves its biology, if it stinks its chemistry, and if it doesn't work its physics.

I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...

I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had s**... with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

Why did the drunk fall asleep at the wheel?

He needed a place to c**....

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

How do big yellow machinery fall asleep.

they bulldoze

A man comes to a doctor and says...

— Help me, please, I can't fall asleep. Every time I go to bed there are a million thoughts in my head...
— I see, — replies the doctor, — I'll prescribe you a laxative.
— Will it help me fall asleep?
— Probably not but there sure will be only one thought on your mind.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

I once asked a Welshman how many s**... partners he had had in his life but never got an answer.

He kept falling asleep whilst counting sheep.

How do you make a Welshman fall asleep?

Ask him how much s**... he's had in his lifetime.

Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed

Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?
floyd mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep
Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?
Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want

A sheep walks into a bar joke

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Why is it so hard for New Zealanders to fall asleep?

They're too turned on from counting sheep.

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

my doctor told me to count sheep

I was having trouble sleeping so I finally decided to see a doctor. He asked me some questions and then eventually came to a conclusion. "I know this may sound silly, but try counting sheep to help you fall asleep." he said. Well I don't know what this doctor was thinking because I have been up for 37 hours straight and still haven't found a single sheep...

I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me

but each time, I kept falling asleep

My friends joke he made up!!

Why can you ask a NewZealander how many s**... partners they have had?
Because he would fall asleep counting all the sheep.
(Btw we are Australian sooo)

I fall asleep every night

While browsing the chlora forum

I love these hot summer nights

when you can open all the windows and fall asleep n**.... I'm not sure my taxi driver appreciates it though.

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."
The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

Unable to fall asleep all night from browsing on your iPhone?

There's a nap for that.

What do you get when you fall asleep in Jamaica on a sunny afternoon?

A Red Stripe.

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.

How I fall asleep

People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I'm going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey...

How do you make a child fall asleep at night?

You scare the living daylights outta them.

A guy goes to his psychiatrist . . .

And he tells him, "doc, something is wrong with me. Every night I fall asleep and I am awakened by one of two alternating dreams; one night I'm a teepee, and the next night I'm a wigwam. You gotta help me, doc, it's driving me crazy!"
The doctor thinks for a minute, then looks up at the man and says, "you're two tents."

How come the Welsh can't keep track of how many they've had s**... with with?

Well, they start counting, but they fall asleep before they're finished.

Today I woke up to a b**.....

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

A nacho enters the stomach

A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.

My girlfriend told my friends that it's awkward when I fall asleep while having s**......

...I then told them that it's more awkward when she wakes up.

I've been watching the Netflix series about Escobar, but I keep falling asleep...

I think I have Narco-lepsy.

2 Guys go Camping...

They both fall asleep in a tent. The first guy wakes up in the middle of the night, and wakes the second guy up.
Guy 1: "Hey, look up, what do you see?"
Guy 2: "I see stars"
Guy 1: "Yeah, and what do you think that means?"
Guy 2: "Well, considering how many stars I see, there is a good chance that somewhere out there in the world, there is some other life form for us to discover."
Guy 1: "No you idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"

I was fired from my old job for constantly falling asleep...

counting sheep on the farm was really tiring.

He's making a list, He's checking it twice.

And now I'm falling asleep.
And she's calling a cab.

The common connection between Hillary Clinton and Acid

Trying to fall asleep on acid is like Hillary's presidential career. No matter how much you force it, its never going to happen.

A Welshman is talking to his girlfriend...

when she asks, "How many s**... partners did you have before me?"
"I don't know." replies the Welshman. "Everytime I try and count them I fall asleep."

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little b**... to fall asleep

What's worse than a girl falling asleep during s**...?

A girl waking up during s**....

s**... goes to the doctor

A s**... goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. s**... says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.

woke up to a b**... earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

How does Bill Cosby fall asleep at night??

Take's a sip of her drink!

Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues?

Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."

A man, his girl and his nights.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

A man asks his welsh friend how many s**... partners he's had to this day

The Welshman starts counting but falls asleep.

Why did the builder fall asleep on the job?

Because he was hammered

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

I'm building an app to help people fall asleep at night. It'll be recordings of straight white men talking about gender identity, cultural appropriation and modern racism...

Name of the app is White Noise.

What is the similarity between having s**... with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I made this joke up when I was falling asleep!

What do you call a blind optometrist?
"Eye-rony" !!!!

What do s**... and church have in common?

My wife falls asleep during both.

Do you ever wake up, make love to the person next to you and be thankful you're alive?

I did this morning, I have to stop falling asleep at the morgue.

The best way to fall asleep is not by counting sheep....

It is to place a nice juicy steak beside your bed, call over a Vegan to let the whacko start talking about why meat is bad and why you should become a Vegan too

A sheep walks into a bar..

Bartender says "Sorry man, I can't serve you here."
Sheep says, "Relax, I'm the black sheep of the family.Check this out, I brought a fuckload of other sheep with me.
The bartender starts counting sheep. Falls asleep.
Sheep drink for free.

My wife is so good at multi-tasking.

She can have s**... and fall asleep at the same time.

s**... with Bill Cosby is like watching Ghost Dad.

You'll fall asleep two minutes in, and won't want to admit it happened for the next 30 years.

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"

If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end

They would all be a lot more comfortable.

Church is like s**...

I fall asleep right after I come

A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.

God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.

What does the impotent, dyslexic, physicist with insomnia think about while he tries to fall asleep?

His hadron