Falling In Love Jokes

A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet.
What are they thinking?
The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet.
He doesn’t want to talk.
May be he’s get tired of me.
He doesn’t love me anymore.
He’s probably got someone else.
I see.
We’ll have to separate each other."
The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling.
Wow!
How keep it there and don’t fall?"

A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea.
She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe.
As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea.
Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I"m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s:
"Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..."
He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
To which the worker replies:
"I"m waiting for the bus!"

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."

A man and his wife are on their honeymoon...

The two are in a splendid hotel, in their beds, snuggling down to make love when the newly made wife complains, "Honey, I feel like we're being watched." Because they're both former CIA, he decides to humor his wife and check around the room. Beneath the bed, behind it, even around the corners of the room.
"There's nothing here," he assures her and tries to start up the mood again. But she won't have it, so he goes looking around the room a second time. Since she's so upset, he keeps looking until he pulls back the rug to find a funny looking device. He unscrews the device, telling her, "Look, I've gotten rid of the bug. Now we can make love!"
The next morning, they're served breakfast in bed. The girl who brings their food asks if they had a nice night, to which they reply it was wonderful. But why does she ask? "I just wanted to make sure you were safe," she says. "Some time last night, the couple below you had a chandelier fall on them."

A prince is cursed...

A prince is cursed one day by a witch so that he can only speak a single word a year. However, any word he does not say in a year can be rolled over and used in a following year. The prince is discouraged, but decides to go about his life anyway.
A few weeks later, the prince meets a beautiful young woman, and he waits an entire year to say "hello". He begins writing her letters, explaining his situation, and they begin to fall in love. Three years later, the prince uses his saved words to tell her, in his own voice, "I love you".
Soon, the prince decides he wants to marry her. But to make it special, he saves up his words for twelve years, so he can ask her himself. He takes her to the most romantic part of the royal gardens at sunset, gets down on one knee, and says "my darling, I love you more than anything. Will you marry me?" The beautiful young woman turns to him and says:
"Pardon?"

In Lebanon, a christian man falls in love with a muslim woman...

Her parents won't allow him to marry her unless he converts to islam. The man goes to see the sheikh and is told that he has to circumcise. He reluctantly agrees and gets married.
A month later, the man is walking down Hamra street, with a gold chain around his neck attached to a crucifix on his chest. The sheikh sees him and the crucifix and stops him to say: "My son what are you doing? you are a muslim now. why are you wearing that cross on your chest?".
The man looks at him and says: "Well you know sheikh, I thought that with the country being unstable, if I were to get killed and I go up to heaven and find that Jesus is there, I would unbutton my shirt and show him the crucifix. He might be merciful and allow me in".
The sheikh is quiet for a while, then he asks: "But my son, what would happen if you find that Muhammad is up there?".
The man says: "I will unbutton my trousers and show him my..."

A physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week...

He always orders an ice cream sundae and offers one to the empty stool next to him.
One day the owner asks, "Why do you do that?"
The physicist replies, "Well, the laws of quantum mechanics teach us that there is a possibility that the matter above this stool will spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman who will accept my offer of an ice cream and fall in love with me".
The owner says, "We have beautiful women come in here all the time. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe she'll fall in love with you".
And the physicist replies, "Yeah, but what are the odds of THAT happening?

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.
So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"
So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, "So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"
"The one in the middle," says the mother
The man is shocked, "That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"
"Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like"

Anti jokes

What smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We're both lawyers
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead
Feel free to share some anti jokes in the comments i'd love to hear some more

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Trust Issues

A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.

Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.
Wish 1: The squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.
Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.
Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.
Wish 3: The Bear wishes that none of the female bears ever wanted to get married.
Wish 3: The Squirrel wishes the Bear was gay.