Falling Asleep Jokes

96 falling asleep jokes and hilarious falling asleep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about falling asleep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Falling Asleep Short Jokes

Short falling asleep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The falling asleep humour may include short fall asleep jokes also.

  1. Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex? Because they still need to drive home
  2. I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
  3. What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
  4. Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night.
  5. CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately Trump says it's all just fake snooze.

    Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.
  6. Girl are you a dishwasher? Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish
  7. Did you hear the one about rim jobs? It's very tongue in cheek.
    -came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC
  8. I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. Apparently you can't lie on your resume.
  9. What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep? A bulldozer.
    I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.
  10. I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp

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Falling Asleep One Liners

Which falling asleep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with falling asleep? I can suggest the ones about fell asleep and falls asleep.

  1. I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.
  2. There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
  3. How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly? You don't.
  4. My daughters fall asleep to white noise. So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.
  5. Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep? He was resisting arrest.
  6. What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear? Everyone would fall asleep
  7. What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
  8. What do you get when your feet fall asleep? Coma-toes
  9. What do you call it when your foot falls asleep? Coma toes.
  10. Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping... That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!
  11. What do you get when paper towels fall asleep? Napkins!
  12. What do you call a machine that makes kids fall asleep? A kidnapper
  13. When people's feet fall asleep, why don't their toes signal for help? They're coma-toes.
  14. Where do babies always fall asleep? inside a hot car
  15. I was supposed to fall asleep in 18 minutes But 6 minutes later I was dozen off

Share Hilarious Falling Asleep Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about falling asleep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean asleep jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make falling asleep pranks.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

At this time of the year....

....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

If all men fall asleep immediately after s**......

Then what's so hard about catching rapists?!

if men fall asleep directly after s**... . . .

why is it so hard to catch a r**...?
-Jimmy Carr
p.s. never high five a rabbi


3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting j**... off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky b**.... I just dreamed I was skiing."

You fall asleep in lecture

and when you wake up you cannot remember what class you are in. A demonstration is happening at the front of the class. How do you figure out where you are?
If the demo moves its biology, if it stinks its chemistry, and if it doesn't work its physics.

I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...

I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had s**... with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

A man comes to a doctor and says...

— Help me, please, I can't fall asleep. Every time I go to bed there are a million thoughts in my head...
— I see, — replies the doctor, — I'll prescribe you a laxative.
— Will it help me fall asleep?
— Probably not but there sure will be only one thought on your mind.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed

Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?
floyd mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep
Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?
Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

My friends joke he made up!!

Why can you ask a NewZealander how many s**... partners they have had?
Because he would fall asleep counting all the sheep.
(Btw we are Australian sooo)

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."
The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.

How I fall asleep

People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I'm going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey...

Today I woke up to a b**.....

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

My girlfriend told my friends that it's awkward when I fall asleep while having s**......

...I then told them that it's more awkward when she wakes up.

2 Guys go Camping...

They both fall asleep in a tent. The first guy wakes up in the middle of the night, and wakes the second guy up.
Guy 1: "Hey, look up, what do you see?"
Guy 2: "I see stars"
Guy 1: "Yeah, and what do you think that means?"
Guy 2: "Well, considering how many stars I see, there is a good chance that somewhere out there in the world, there is some other life form for us to discover."
Guy 1: "No you idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little b**... to fall asleep

s**... goes to the doctor

A s**... goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. s**... says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.

woke up to a b**... earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues?

Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."

A man asks his welsh friend how many s**... partners he's had to this day

The Welshman starts counting but falls asleep.

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

What do s**... and church have in common?

My wife falls asleep during both.

Do you ever wake up, make love to the person next to you and be thankful you're alive?

I did this morning, I have to stop falling asleep at the morgue.

The best way to fall asleep is not by counting sheep....

It is to place a nice juicy steak beside your bed, call over a Vegan to let the whacko start talking about why meat is bad and why you should become a Vegan too

A sheep walks into a bar..

Bartender says "Sorry man, I can't serve you here."
Sheep says, "Relax, I'm the black sheep of the family.Check this out, I brought a fuckload of other sheep with me.
The bartender starts counting sheep. Falls asleep.
Sheep drink for free.

My wife is so good at multi-tasking.

She can have s**... and fall asleep at the same time.

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"

If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end

They would all be a lot more comfortable.

Church is like s**...

I fall asleep right after I come

A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.

God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.

The ironic thing about teachers is that they tell us to follow our dreams...

but will get mad when we fall asleep in their class.

I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

I had my prostate exam yesterday.

It's the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway.

More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides

Probably because their main courses are enormous

Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning

The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"

An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum

'Why are you laughing?' Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep
I just told myself a joke replies the patient, before falling back asleep.
A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.
'Why are you laughing now?' Asks the neighbour annoyed after being disturbed from his sleep the second time.
The patient replies I told myself another joke, but I didn't know it this time.

What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork?

Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.

An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their s**... prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.
"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

"I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep"

"Oh my God! Are you proposing?"
"What? NO! Just setting your photo as my phone wallpaper. Geez!"

my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance

So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?
So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream there, you know. Like in the first dream, I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley and we were swimming towards each other. And then I woke up. So I fell asleep again, and ended up shooting pool with David Brinkley.

There is an old Scottish proverb that says....

If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.

Alligator in a bar

Says to the bartender, see that woman over there? I'm gonna eat her.
Bartender says you do and you'll fall fast asleep.
In disbelief the Alligator does just that. Eats the woman and proceeds to fall asleep for some time. Wakes up befuddled and asks the bartender how did you know?
Bartender says easy,
Thats a bar b**... you ate

The day before an important meeting I always make sure to fall asleep on top of my watch.

That way I wake up on time.

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, what's wrong? The old man responds..

I'm married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed.
So the man, dumbfounded responded, so what's the problem? 😐
The old man responds, I forgot where I live.

A joke my mom told me when i was younger

An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.
So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

What's the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'?

Guys can fall asleep with a light on....

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?

Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

In a first year college course on philosophy, the instructor noticed one of their students about to fall asleep, so asked,

"You there, what is work?"
The student opened their eyes, thought for a second and responded, "Everything is work."
"What? Everything is work?"
"Yes, teacher."
"Then I take it you would like the class to believe that this desk is work?"
"Yes, wood work", they replied wearily."