Faith Jokes

What are some Faith jokes?

Science builds planes and skyscrapers

but faith brings them together.

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.

I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

I never believed that faith could move mountains

But I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Faith vs Science

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

I'm not convinced faith can move mountains, but I know what it can do to skyscrapers.

(Come on, it's been 15 years.)

"Science gives us airplanes and skyscrapers..."

"but it's faith that brings them together."

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night...

He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

The Pope walks into a synagogue...

The rabbi says, "Why the wrong faith?"

What does a teenager with a lisp and a nun have in common?

Faith book

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

The pope walks into a mosque

The imam says "Hey, why the wrong faith?"

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

The pope walks into a Mosque

A Muslim looks up and asks

"Why the wrong faith?"

I'm so faithful, I don't even have a girlfriend and I STILL don't sleep with other women!

A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.

Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.

A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Three nuns

Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car crash and all die tragically.

In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"

The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.

"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"

She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"

*Gong!*

The gates open and she enters.

Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"

"Eve!"

*Gong!*

The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.

St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"

Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."

*Gong!*

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spinal cord and is paralyzed from the waist down.

The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off the plane, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand.

The Buddhist, relieved to have been caught, says, "Thank God," and the hand drops him.

Priest and Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Faith is everything

A man is about to jump from a plane. Right before he jumps, he looks down and freezes in place.

"Don't worry," says the pilot, "If something goes wrong - start chanting 'Oh great Buddha, please save me'".

Skeptical but with renewed confidence, the man jumps. At the right height, he tries to open his parachute. Nothing happens.

He tries to open the spare parachute. Nothing happens.

Terrified, the man shouts: "OH GREAT BUDDHA, PLEASE SAVE ME!!"

Suddenly, the man stops falling. He looks down and finds a huge hand, safely carrying him to the ground. As soon as the hand reaches the ground, he jumps down.

"Phew, thank God!"

*smack*

Faith healer visits a small town

And sets up a prayer meeting. All the faithful are there and are ready for a miracle.

One man hobbles up and says "I've been lame since I was a boy. Can I be healed?"

The preacher says "All who believe will be healed. Now go behind the curtain"

Another man walks up and says "C-c-can you c-c-c-cure a stuttttttter?"

Preacher says "all who believe will be healed. Now go behind the curtain"

The preacher starts praying then tells the lame man, "throw out your crutches". Two crutches come flying out from behind the curtain. The crowd goes wild!

Then the preacher asks the stutterer "tell us in a loud clear voice, what are you seeing?"

A voice comes from behind the curtain,

"the f-f-fucker f-f-fell flat on his f-f-face"

I don't like how people love their fandoms more than their god

Especially Star Wars fans

I find your lack of faith disturbing

A priest gets into quicksand...

he notices he canΒ΄t get himself out of there, so he starts praying. Along comes a guy. The guy sees the priest and asks: "do you need help?" But the priest just answers: "No, god will help me." He sinks in deeper and deeper, is in to his hip, as antoher guy comes by and asks the priest wether he could help him. Again the priest turns him down: "My faith will safe me." By now the priest is in the quicksand up to his chin. A third guy comes by and offers his help, the priest turns him down yet again. Finally, the priest dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to god and complains: "Lord, iΒ΄ve prayed for you to save me, yet you let me die in the quicksand!" God just looks him in the eye and says: "I sent three guys, wasnΒ΄t that help enough you moron?"

~~I hope this is no repost.~~

Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

Three men were sitting in a life boat...

Three men were sitting in a life boat for 4 weeks after their boat had collapsed. On the start of the 5th week, one of the men said "We might as well kill ourselves, we'll never be saved!" The other man replied "No, my friend. I still have faith that the Lord will save us." That's when the third man stood up and revealed himself to be Jesus Christ, "Your faith has saved you brother." The two men stared in shock at the revelation when one of them said "You could have said something before we ate the fourth guy."

A wife begins to question the faith of her husband.

Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Husband: "You're Both."

Wife: "What do you mean?"

Husband: "You're pretty ugly."

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

A religious blonde is going bankrupt...

She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the third week and again doesn't win. So she starts asking God why he doesn't help her, why he left her to sell her car, her house. Just as she's about to lose her faith God appears and says "My dear child, I truly want to help you through these difficult times. But, to win the lottery you have to play"

Jesus and Muhammad were having an intense debate about which of their religions is stronger.

My faith moved mountains, exclaimed Jesus.

Yes, agreed Muhammad, but mine moved skyscrapers.

A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars out of his own pocket. The next time he saw Cohen the rabbi gave him the money and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"
Back home Cohen was grateful. "Thank you Lord," he said. "But next time can you not send it thru Rabbi Schomburg? That crook kept half of it!"

Three Nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each.

The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?"

The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam"

The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first nun walks through.

The second nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?"

"Easy" says the second nun "It was Eve"

The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The second nun walks through.

The third nun was then asked "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"

The nun, stumped by the question, says "Boy, that's a hard one."

The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open.

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will we know that theirs is the true faith. " After thinking about it, the other two agreed.

They found a cliff and the Muslim went first. As he jumped, he shouted "Aaaaaaalllllllaaaaaa...." SPLAT!

Both were shocked but not surprised. They said their prayers for the Muslim and continued.

The Buddhist went next and as he jumped he chanted "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha..." And miraculously, just before hitting the ground, he floated back up to safety.

Giving a smile to the Christian, he gestured to the cliff for his turn.

The Christian was unperturbed. Taking a few minutes to compose himself, he then took his leap of faith:

"Jeeeeeesssssuuuussss.... Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha."

Christian to an Atheist, "If God isn't real, how do you explain walking on water? Can you walk on water like Jesus?"

Atheist : Yes.
Christian : Show me a video of you walking on water.
Atheist : I don't need to. You just need to have faith that I did.

After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.

At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!"
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.

What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.

I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.

What did he say? asked the man.

He said, Funny you should come to me...

A White guy, a Black guy and a Mexican are out in a boat fishing

when a big storm blows up and threatens to sink them.

The men begin praying, and the storm disappears.  They look up and see Jesus walking towards them across the water.  Jesus says to the men, "Because of your faith, I will heal each of you."

Jesus turns to the White man and says, "Your arthritis is cured."  The White man rubs his hands and exclaims, "It's true, my hands don't hurt any more!"

Jesus turns to the Mexican and says, "Your vision is restored."  The Mexican blinks and says, "My cataracts, they're gone!"

Jesus turns to the Black man, who throws up his hands and says "DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M ON TOTAL DISABILITY!"

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

The Pope-mobile

Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...

Jesus said, " my faith can move mountains"

Mohammed said, "my faith can move skyscrapers"

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.

If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...

Saint Bernard.

They say faith can't move mountains

But I've seen what it can do to skyskrapers

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabbi takes his friend's place, only to come back in because there's also a pig in the barn, and in the Rabbi's faith, pigs are unclean.

So the Alabama fan grudgingly goes to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door, and standing in the doorway are the cow and the pig.

Bus driver and a priest

Died, and went to the gates of heaven

There they were greeted by Jesus, who said that heaven is full, and that only one can come in

So they had to wait for heavenly decision. After some time, Jesus came back and said

"Alright, we can take the bus driver"

The priest protested saying that he has lived a good life in faith, why should he not get to heaven?

Jesus answered

"When you were giving speeches about the word of the God, everyone slept, but whenever this bus driver drives, everyone prays"

Why did Rihanna abandon the Catholic faith?

She found love in a Popeless place.

THE LORD TRIED!

A church was flooded out and as the preacher stood on the pews, parishioners came by in a boat. "No thanks" the preacher said, "I'll put my faith in the Lord."
As waters rose, the preacher climbed on the roof of the church. When the boat passed by again the preacher said "No thanks, I'll put my faith in the Lord."
The waters rose and as the preacher clung to the steeple he refused a helicopter stating, "No thanks, I'll put my faith in the Lord."
The preacher drowned and when he met the Lord he said, "Lord why did you forsake me?" The Lord said, "What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter"!!!

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."

No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.

A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm...

A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm and insists that he join everyone for beers.
New guy looks at him, and tells him, my Faith doesn't allow me to drink.
Why the co-worker asks, are you muslim?
No, my wife, Faith, she punches above her weight.

A Jewish father was troubled...

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

A Jewish Lawyer...

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Faithful dog for sale

Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.

- Hey, I saw your offer for a good natured dog, I have a couple of questions.

- Shoot.

- He good with kids?

- Very. He's kind and gentle and has endless patience.

- yard dog or house dog?

- House trained but loves the yard as well.

- Cool. Last, is he really faithful?

- Oh yeah, very faithful. This is the fifth time I'm selling him.

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complaining about this exact problem
"Every time I ask Aeris to clean the pews he sleeps on them instead!"

"That's nothing, once I found the Alter boys gambling behind the church one Sunday afternoon!"

One astute priest from america chuckes to himself and proclaims:
"Whenever an alter boy acts up I bring him directly to Jesus and we iron it out right there, right then."

The other priests were dumbfound as even they with all their devotion could not speak to Jesus directly! Well a year went by and the priests met up again and exclaimed the same problem with the alter boys was not getting any better. In an attempt to finally resolve their problem they confronted the American priest and asked him for advice. When the American priest spoke he did so with a sad tone in his voice and declared that Jesus had left his church shortly after last years meeting. Shocked the priests asked how this could be! The American priest told them that while he was gone Jesus was caught stealing red wine from the cellar and he had to hire a new janitor.

What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty?

Faith lifts

THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS IN AMERICA, WE CANNOT ESCAPE:

1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists AND MORMONS do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

A man is stranded on an island

A plane flying nearby see's his smoke signal and goes to his aid. Upon landing the pilot see's three huts.

"Thank you for saving me! I've been here longer than I can remember. " The man says.

"Where are the other survivors?" The pilot asks.

"It's just me, myself and I" says the man.

"So why are there three huts?" Asks the pilot.

"Well that small one is my home." The man replies.

"What about that big one?" Says the pilot.

"Thats my church." He responds. "I'm a man of great faith".

"Okay, and what's the third hut for?" The pilot wonders aloud.

"Oh that's my old church, but I don't go there anymore, the pastor's a lunatic".

A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.

The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: "I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted."

The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: "I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!"

Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: "Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision."

My girlfriend is like Bigfoot

She hasn't been found yet but I have faith she's still out there.

Science created airplanes and skyscrapers

Faith brought them together

Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts?

He found his lack of Faith disturbing.

What do Bill Gates and the Pope have in common?

They've both put their faith in the cloud.

Why is faith a virtue?

Doesn't matter, I have faith that it is.

Darth Vader...

Of all the things that Darth Vader lost when the Death Star blew up, it was the destruction of his George Michael box set that affected him most deeply.

He finds his lack of Faith disturbing.

Faith

God and Jesus are planning the inspiration for the Bible. Jesus asks God, "Dad, shouldn't we say something about not taking these stories literally?" God replies, "Don't worry Jesus, these people aren't that dumb... Have a little faith!"

The stripper's parents didn't have faith that their daughter would go on to do something better...

They just didn't believe in destiny.

Jesus and Mohammad are debating religion.

Jesus, with a smug smile, says: "My faith can move the tallest of mountains."

Mohammad confidently replies: "How well does it do with skyscrapers, brotha?"

Faithfull

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to ST.Poerre and asked:
Where is my husband?
He is lying on the sewing-machine table St.Pierre replied.

Midget priest

The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.

He walks in to see a midget priest.

Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"

The midget says "actually we prefer little people"

Bishop replies "Who doesn't"

Jesus and Moses were hanging out having some drinks...

"Moses, nobody believes in us anymore. I'm going to perform a miracle," says Jesus.

He leads the way down to the beach.

"I'm going to walk on water. That will restore their faith!"

Jesus steps out onto the water, but he falls right in. He brushes himself off and, with much determination, steps out on to the water again. Once again, he falls in and is now soaked.

Wringing his his clothes out, he exclaims "Moses, I don't know what happened! The last time I did this trick it worked like a charm!"

Moses replies "The last time you did this you didn't have holes in your feet."

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

My Future

I have a lot more trust and faith in my guidance counselor's advice after getting an empty fortune cookie at a chinese restaurant.

How to make Faith puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Faith to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Faith? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Faith pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes