fails Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fails puns

It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

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If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

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A teacher, a lawyer, and a Catholic priest are on a plane.

One of the plane's engines fails, and the plane begins to go down. During the rapid descent, the teacher stands up and exclaims, "We must save the children!". The lawyer then stands and says, "Fuck the children!". Upon hearing this, the Catholic priest rises and asks, "Do we have time?!".

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Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

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Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"

The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

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My blonde gf thinks...

My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

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Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

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UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

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A Russian joke

King Lion orders every animal to bring him some meat. The king hits the head of everyone who doesn't bring any meat three times with his dick. Rabbit fails to hunt, so he brings a few cabbages. Lion hits him for the first time and Rabbit starts smiling, the king decides to hit him harder. After the second time Rabbit starts giggling, so Lion decides to hit him as hard as possible. After the third hit Rabbit bursts out laughing. Lion asks him:

"Why the hell are you laughing?"

"I've just reminded myself that Hedgehog is bringing a sack of apples."

____________________________________________________
As my English sucks, feel free to suggest edits.

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Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

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My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!

I got a B+

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The lion king (a bit vulgar)

In the animal kingdom, all animals obey the lion. His word is law.

One morning, the lion summons all his subjects and tells them:
>Everyone of you now brings me something to eat, and it better be meat! I'll bang my big penis on the head of everyone who fails me!

On the course of the day, all the predator animals bring their king some meat, and even most of the herbivores manage to pick a caterpillar or similar. But then the rabbit arrives with a basket full of carrots. He hands the basket to the lion and says:

>Lion, please understand, I'm a rabbit, I just can't hunt! But I brought you some carrots.

The lion, untouched by the rabbit's pleading, whips his penis out and bangs it on the rabbit's head.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs and so on, until the lion asks:

>Why are you crying?

To which the rabbit answers:

>Because it hurts so much!

So the lion asks:
>And why are you laughing?

To which the rabbit answers:
>Because over there the porcupine waits with a basket full of lettuce!


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An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane...

The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", grabs the Englishman and throws him out.

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Two midgets walk into a brothel.

Determined to get their freak on, they are put in rooms adjoining each other.

The first one walks in to find a beautiful woman naked and willing on the bed. He tries all night to get an erection but fails miserably, meanwhile hearing his mate in the next room going "1, 2, 3, urgh. 1, 2, 3, urgh".

Annoyed that his mate is getting it on in such great fashion, he gives up and goes to sleep.

In the morning he wakes up, leaves the room and bumps into his mate on the lobby. His mate asks him how his night was. "Oh it was terrible, I spent all night trying to get an erection and failed. What about you?" he replies "You think you had a bad night? I spent all night trying to get on the bed!"

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Two nuns are driving through Romania

And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

The passenger nun shouts "GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!"

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If your parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

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A hunter and his friend.....

A hunter and his friend have been camping in the woods for a few days. One day, however, the hunter noticed his friend was sleeping for a very long time. He repeatedly tries to wake him up, but fails each time. He then runs to the cabin near him and dials 911. He says to the operator: "I think my friend is dead!" The operator thinks for a moment, and then says: " Make sure he is really dead, and not just sleeping." There is silence, and then the operator hears a loud bang. The hunter picks up the phone again: "Ok, now what?"

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A man walks into the bar

But fails since he was too busy drinking through law school

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A plane is going down...

An airplane of holiday makers is flying over the pacific when the engine fails and takes a nosedive. Everyone dies except for 3: two guys and one girl. They wash up on a beach of a deserted island and set about building a fire, fishing, making a shelter etc. When the sun goes down and they are bored there is only one thing to do, so they do what comes naturally to them . . .
This set up continues untill the girl gets sick, soon after she dies. The two guys are alone. So at night they continue doing what comes naturally to each other . . .
But after a few weeks they feel really bad about doing it so they bury her. . .

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There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

"Whew!" he sighed.

As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

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What happens when USA fails?

USB

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3 guys are sentenced to death...

They say to the first one "you can choose how you want to die: shot, hanged, or with the electric chair". He says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". He sits on it, but when they turn it on the electric chair doesn't electrocute him, so he is left free. Before he leaves, he says to the second guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the second guy, and when they ask him how he wants to die, he confidently says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". The chair fails again, so he is free. Before leaving, he says to the third guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the third guy. When they ask him how he wants to die, he says "getting shot is too violent, the electric chair is broken, I choose being hanged".

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I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

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White babies

So there was this white guy, a black guy, a german guy and this jewish guy. They all had white wives and they all had white babies on the same day. The doctor forgets to tag them. The white guy says, "I can figure out who's baby is who's." So he goes into the nursery. He comes out. The black guy asks, "Did you figure it out?" "No... I couldn't." So the black guy says, "I can do this." Goes in, comes out. "Did you figure it out?" "No." The jewish guy goes in, comes out, and fails. Then the german guy says, "I got this. I'll figure out who's baby who's. When I come out, be ready for your baby." So he goes in. Comes out. Gives the white guy his baby, the black guy his, and jewish guy his baby and keeps his baby. The black guy astounded says, "How the hell did you do that!" "It was easy," says the german guy. "I just walked in and said 'Heil Hitler'. The german baby saluted, the jewish baby crapped his pants, and white baby made the black baby clean it up."

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45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

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A man walks into a bar....

...and spectacularly fails at Limbo.

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An octopus walks into a bar...

Claiming that he can teach himself to play any instrument in a matter of minutes. The bar's patrons are sceptical and decide to test his boasted ability. First, they present him with a cello, to their astonishment he plays with ease. Next, he is provided a saxophone which also fails to present a challenge. Finally, they present a bagpipe. He is puzzled, having never seen such an instrument. He begins to examine it carefully. Five minutes pass and the crowd begins to grow impatient. One man jeers him. "You 'bout ready to play it for us?". "Play it?" he responds, confused. "I'm trying to get it's pyjamas off and fuck it!"

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Grandma Wants To End Her Life

And when she fails they take her to the doctor and the doctor asks "Why do you have a knife in your knee?" Grandma responds "I wanted to kill myself" doctor asks "But why this way?" Grandma says "I heard that it's best to jam a knife just below the left boob."

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What's the difference between a condom and a parachute?

Well when condom fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.

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Math in a nutshell

Catholic people fail trigonometry because they don't sin

Irish fail because they can't tan

Everyone else fails just cos

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What's the difference between a golfer and a hang-glider?

When the golfer fails he goes *WHACK* FUCK , when the hang-glider fails he goes FUCK *WHACK*

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So the first human head transplant was a success, on a dead body. The next step is on a living body, and as fantastic as it sounds, if it fails it will be such a damn shame...

Because it will be the first time in history some-BODY refuses some head.

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A Mobster's son fails his exam

Mobster asks him what happened. "They questioned me for three hours," says the kid, "but I told them nothing."

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A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

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What are the most funny Fails jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fails? Well, here are the best Fails dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Fails pick up lines to share with friends.

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