Fails Jokes

What are some Fails jokes?

It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"

The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

My blonde gf thinks...

My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!

I got a B+

An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane...

The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", grabs the Englishman and throws him out.

Two midgets walk into a brothel.

Determined to get their freak on, they are put in rooms adjoining each other.

The first one walks in to find a beautiful woman naked and willing on the bed. He tries all night to get an erection but fails miserably, meanwhile hearing his mate in the next room going "1, 2, 3, urgh. 1, 2, 3, urgh".

Annoyed that his mate is getting it on in such great fashion, he gives up and goes to sleep.

In the morning he wakes up, leaves the room and bumps into his mate on the lobby. His mate asks him how his night was. "Oh it was terrible, I spent all night trying to get an erection and failed. What about you?" he replies "You think you had a bad night? I spent all night trying to get on the bed!"

A hunter and his friend.....

A hunter and his friend have been camping in the woods for a few days. One day, however, the hunter noticed his friend was sleeping for a very long time. He repeatedly tries to wake him up, but fails each time. He then runs to the cabin near him and dials 911. He says to the operator: "I think my friend is dead!" The operator thinks for a moment, and then says: " Make sure he is really dead, and not just sleeping." There is silence, and then the operator hears a loud bang. The hunter picks up the phone again: "Ok, now what?"

A man walks into the bar

But fails since he was too busy drinking through law school

A plane is going down...

An airplane of holiday makers is flying over the pacific when the engine fails and takes a nosedive. Everyone dies except for 3: two guys and one girl. They wash up on a beach of a deserted island and set about building a fire, fishing, making a shelter etc. When the sun goes down and they are bored there is only one thing to do, so they do what comes naturally to them . . .
This set up continues untill the girl gets sick, soon after she dies. The two guys are alone. So at night they continue doing what comes naturally to each other . . .
But after a few weeks they feel really bad about doing it so they bury her. . .

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

"Whew!" he sighed.

As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

What happens when USA fails?

USB

3 guys are sentenced to death...

They say to the first one "you can choose how you want to die: shot, hanged, or with the electric chair". He says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". He sits on it, but when they turn it on the electric chair doesn't electrocute him, so he is left free. Before he leaves, he says to the second guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the second guy, and when they ask him how he wants to die, he confidently says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". The chair fails again, so he is free. Before leaving, he says to the third guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the third guy. When they ask him how he wants to die, he says "getting shot is too violent, the electric chair is broken, I choose being hanged".

I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

A man walks into a bar....

...and spectacularly fails at Limbo.

What's something that can stop water but never fails to make someone wet?

A kink.

What's the difference between a condom and a parachute?

Well when condom fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.

A Mobster's son fails his exam

Mobster asks him what happened. "They questioned me for three hours," says the kid, "but I told them nothing."

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

what do you call a substance which fails to reduce friction

lubrican't

They should call the "Emergency Brake" the "All-Hell Brake"

Because if it fails on a step hill, then "All-Hell brake's loose."

If a parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry!

You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!

Jesus Never Fails

If Jesus was a program, he would never fail.
Why?

Because he was born in a stable environment.

If someone fails while attempting the Heimlich maneuver...

...is it fair to say he choked?

What does Batman say when he fails his mission?

Gotham it.

Three guys talking in a bar ...

Their names are Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. All three are having a political discussion and things start to heat up between Somebody and Nobody. Crazy fails to calm them down. Then this escalate and Nobody picks up a bottle and smashes it in the table then holds the broken bottle up to somebody's neck. Somebody pulls a gun out and shoots Nobody in the head. Crazy panics and pulls a cellphone out. The police dispatcher asks what the problem was. Crazy screams back. "HELP SOMEBODY KILLED NOBODY! ". the dispatcher says back "What are you crazy?". He replies "yes I am, why?

A French Execution

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution.

The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine.

The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck.

The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released.

Next up is the lawyer, placed face-down on the guillotine ready to die.

Again the machine fails two feet from his neck.

"According to your laws, since you failed to execute me, I must be let go", and he is.

Finally the engineer is set to be killed, and placed upon the instrument he is to die upon.

As the blade falls, it stops short once again failing it's only task.

As the engineer looks from his prone position, he examines the failed machine.

"I can totally fix that for you."

What does a samurai do when he fails a math class?

He commits Sudoku.

What happens when a political party filled with loyal members builds its entire platform on being unwilling to cooperate with the opposing party in a system based on compromise between parties that share power?

Your government fails.

wait... sorry I wrote this joke last year, I guess its not that funny anymore.

Le'veon Bell is a famous football player,

However his fame fails in comparison to his older brother, Taco.

Engineering Joke: What do you call a musical artist who screws up and fails due to stress?

Thread Shearin'

"Sorry someone hacked my Facebook"

The best comeback when coming out fails.

Fast Thinker

Guy's first time parachuting... yada yada chute fails, reserve fails. He's falling. But he sees a speck coming up toward him, faster than he's falling. He realizes it's a guy and figuring he has nothing to lose, he yells,
"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?"
and as they pass the other guy yells back,
"Sorry man, I don't . Do you know anything about propane BBQs?"

Your mom fails so hard at life...[nsfw]

I gave her a D out of sympathy.

When all else fails...

...make All Else 2.

We can learn so much from Internet explorer.

Even if it's clicked on by accident still it never fails to aspire to be the default browser.

How to survive a Canadian goose attack.

1. Try reasoning with the goose.

2. Contact the parents of the goose.

3. And if all else fails, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

A French, a German and a Spaniard are trying to shoot three targets at 50 meters

The French goes first and gets it in one shot

The German goes next and also hits the target with his first shot.

Turn now for the Spaniard, who fails. The other two men are very surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish imprecision.

TIL if one of the engines on a plane fails, the remaining engine can still get the plane to the ground.

Even faster, in fact.

If someone fails at performing the Heimlich

Is it safe to say they choked?

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.
Husband is liver & wife is kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails.
If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

Mobile

While engaged in the sex act, wife to her hubby, "You're just like a mobile."
The husband proudly asks, "You love my vibration."
Wife: Na Na Na... the moment you get into basement, your network fails!"
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Best Ultimate Fails and Funny Compilation March 2015 part 1

How to make Fails jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Fails to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Fails? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Fails pick up lines to share with friends.

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