Failed Jokes
159 failed jokes and hilarious failed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about failed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Failed jokes can affect our life in many ways - from failed relationships to failed driving tests and even failed marriages. In this article, we'll investigate the ways failed jokes can impact us and what we can do to move on from a failed situation. Learn how to take and retake exams, or recover from marriage or relationship failures, so you can laugh miserably and move on with your life.
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Funniest Failed Short Jokes
Short failed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The failed humour may include short fails jokes also.
- I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably. I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.
- Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & dragon campaigns? They always fail their Constitution checks.
- I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.
- My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
- McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed. Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
- TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand. Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays
- I failed my chemistry lab exam. I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
- Two chemists walk into a bar. Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed - A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."
- I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year... All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.
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Failed One Liners
Which failed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with failed? I can suggest the ones about successful and rejected.
- We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flag.
- It's very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.
- If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed I would have $7.20 by now
- Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years Lose an election.
- What did chuck norris do when his parachute failed to open? Brought it back for a refund.
- Why did the feminist fail algebra? She couldn't solve inequalities
- If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
- My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
- I think I'm failing my marine biology class My grade is below C level.
- In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter.. ..so I failed her!
- I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters
- If I had $5 for every time I failed a math test I would have $37
- My friend failed his Aboriginal Music class... I asked him "Did'ja redo it?"
- Why did the Atheist fail algebra? He didn't believe in higher powers.
- I failed my Greek Mythology exam. It has always been my Achilles' elbow
Failed Exam Jokes
Here is a list of funny failed exam jokes and even better failed exam puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There is a good chance you'll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins. Because it's hard to differentiate between them.
- I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. I couldn't differentiate between them.
- I have an archaeology exam tomorrow And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...
My future's in ruins. - If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college... I would be up to about $6.30 now.
- I signed up for Binary 101 this semester and I'm failing in all the exams. Turns out it is a level 5 course.
- What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams? "Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything!" - Just found out I've failed my German exam. Sacre bleu!
- If I had 50p every time I failed a maths exam I would have £3.57 right now
- My friend told me he failed his authentic Australian music exam. I asked "didja redo it"?
- I just failed my butcher's exam. Mis-steaks were made.
Failed Driving Test Jokes
Here is a list of funny failed driving test jokes and even better failed driving test puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?" I said, "probably failing my driving test."
- Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test? He made a few Wookiee errors.
- I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test... ...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
- my mate rang me earlier.... My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say
- My friend told me he'd failed his driving test for running over a rabbit I said they couldn't fail you for that, he said they can when it's in the butcher's window.
- Driving I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
- Why did Walter White fail his driving test? Because he was braking bad.
- Driving test (Blonde) Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test?
Every time the instructor said "let's start" she would jump to the backseat ...
....
.... - Paul Pierce failed his driving test because of poor turns Apparently, the Truth can't handle the U
- Why did North Korea fail its driving test? He has no concept of rights
Parachute Failed Jokes
Here is a list of funny parachute failed jokes and even better parachute failed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
- Chuck Norris once skydived and the parachute failed to open while mid-air The next day, he demanded a refund.
- If you parachute fails, don't worry You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
- If a parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry! You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!
- My parachute failed, so when I deployed my backup parachute... I floated back up.
- Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund
- I could tell you my jokes about failed parachute jumps But they don't seem to land
- What's the difference between a c**... and a parachute? Well when c**... fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.
- What happened when the parachuter's c**...... ...failed to open, right over the clock factory?
He fell on hard times. - The parachute making business must be great! Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed c**...!
Failed Marriage Jokes
Here is a list of funny failed marriage jokes and even better failed marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship. Blame her and her mother.
- My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...
- It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it Im not capable of making dad jokes
- How many children does it take to save a failing marriage? Zero.
- Why did the topologist's marriage fail? He thought that arbitrary unions were open.
- How are babies made? When a mummy and daddy love each other very much the get married, and when that marriage is failing they have a baby. That's where you come in.
- It's finals week and it's okay if you're gonna fail a course or two Because you'll still have a more successful career than Kim Kardashian's marriage
- What get wetter the more it dries? A woman in a failing marriage doing the laundry.
Failed Relationship Jokes
Here is a list of funny failed relationship jokes and even better failed relationship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Mrs. Piggy's relationship fail? She couldn't stand making Kermitments
- After my fourth failed relationship, my friend tells me 'keep your head up, these girls come and go, but you'll find someone for you', but deep down i know... Girls don't just come and go... I do.
- My sister failed high school and has never been in a relationship I told her "If you tried harder, you could have gotten a D"
- Why do colourblind people s**... at dating? Because they fail to see the red flags in a relationship
Unearthly Funniest Failed Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about failed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean collapsed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make failed pranks.
Fire safety
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..
She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
As I read my son's s**... letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent....
His grammar and spelling were terrible.
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Chemists in a pub
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
What did the kidney say to the other kidney when it failed?
u**... trouble now.
Two law students walk into a bar.
They both failed.
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester.
I was so close I could taste it.
Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"
Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
s**... Education
Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
I failed my Health and Safety Test today
apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
Husband in coma
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
So a teacher was lecturing his student...
Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!
Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.
I failed my biology test today.
The question was: "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently, "African Americans" wasn't the correct answer.
A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish.
I call it instant korma.
I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it.
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?
He didn't work well with udders.
I failed my biology test today.
Apparently, "black guys" isn't the answer to the question "What is found in cells."
I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
I guess my teacher didn't think "black people" was a good answer.
I failed my Biology test yesterday
I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.
Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.
2 scientists walk into a bar
the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...
I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.
Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.
If I had 25 cents for every time I failed my math test
I'd have $5.13
Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica?
Their journey went south.
What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an e**...?
No hard feelings.
I failed my AP Biology test...
They asked; "what is something commonly found in cells?"
Apparently black people wasn't the correct answer
Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party
But they failed because nobody knew how to planet
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar....
..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"
I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.
Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.
Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...
s**... - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in s**....
You Failed in it!!
My father asked for the Wi-Fi password...
It's taped under the modem, I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?
One night, Wonder Woman sent some n**... pics but one failed to impress...
...she didn't turn on the flash...
I belong to a family of failed magicians...
I've got two half-sisters.
I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells
Apparently black people was not the answer.
I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.
Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.
Police: How'd you kill 30 people?
Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
If I had 50¢ for every Math test I failed....
I still wouldn't have enough money to pay off my crippling student debt.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant
The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.
A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.
Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.
Translated Chinese joke
Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either
Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"
The other says "I'll have some water too please"
He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."
The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."
The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.
The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his s**... attempt has failed.
My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...
She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.
I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."
Its no wonder communism failed
there were so many red flags
Today I Failed my Biology Test.
One of the questions asked. What are normally found inside cells?
Apparently, 'Black People' was not the correct answer.
If I get 15 cents for every time I failed a math test
I would have $8.12
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.
Good players are hard to find.
A m**... attempted to commit s**......
... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.
2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.
You have to be moderately smart to understand it...
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then
I would have 37 dollars.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago
I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name 'Paperman'.
I failed to get in though.
At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn't want me beating him.
Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course
Apparently her grades were below C-level.
My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably
I guess it wasn't the first time he couldn't connect to the server
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.
What do you call a failed gathering of crows?
Attempted m**...
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.
His acting school clearly failed him.
Take it or leave it
Medusa never failed making a man hard.
Was up all night trying to think of a cake day joke, alas I have failed.
I'm in tiers
At least I'm baked.
