Unearthly Funniest Failed Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn't differentiate between them.
If I got 50Β’ for every math test I've failed
I would have $7.20 by now
Fire safety
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..
She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter..
..so I failed her!
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Chemists in a pub
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...
...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester.
I was so close I could taste it.
Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"
Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
You can explore failed miserably reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean failed sines dad jokes. There are also failed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
s**... Education
Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
I come from a family of failed magicians
I have 2 half sisters
I failed my Health and Safety Test today
apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
Husband in coma
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
So a teacher was lecturing his student...
Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!
Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.
I failed my chemistry lab exam.
I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
I failed my biology test today.
The question was: "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently, "African Americans" wasn't the correct answer.
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?
He didn't work well with udders.
I failed my biology test today.
Apparently, "black guys" isn't the answer to the question "What is found in cells."
If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam,
I'd have $ 6.30 now
I just failed my butcher's exam.
Mis-steaks were made.
2 scientists walk into a bar
the first one says: IΒ΄ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: iΒ΄ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really donΒ΄t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...
I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.
Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.
If I had 25 cents for every time I failed my math test
I'd have $5.13
Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica?
Their journey went south.
I failed my AP Biology test...
They asked; "what is something commonly found in cells?"
Apparently black people wasn't the correct answer
Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party
But they failed because nobody knew how to planet
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?
"Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything!"
A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar....
..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"
I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.
Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.
Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...
s**... - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in s**....
You Failed in it!!
My father asked for the Wi-Fi password...
It's taped under the modem, I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?
One night, Wonder Woman sent some n**... pics but one failed to impress...
...she didn't turn on the flash...
I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells
Apparently black people was not the answer.
I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.
Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.
Police: How'd you kill 30 people?
Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
Two scientists walk into a restaurant
The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.
A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.
Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.
Translated Chinese joke
Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either
Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"
The other says "I'll have some water too please"
He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.
Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college...
I would be up to about $6.30 now.
My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...
She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.
I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."
Today I Failed my Biology Test.
One of the questions asked. What are normally found inside cells?
Apparently, 'Black People' was not the correct answer.
If I get 15 cents for every time I failed a math test
I would have $8.12
I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...
All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.
Good players are hard to find.
If I had $5 for every time I failed a math test
I would have $37
Just found out I've failed my German exam.
Sacre bleu!
2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.
You have to be moderately smart to understand it...
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then
I would have 37 dollars.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.
Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays
I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago
I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name 'Paperman'.
I failed to get in though.
At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn't want me beating him.
My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably
I guess it wasn't the first time he couldn't connect to the server
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.
I failed my Greek Mythology exam.
It has always been my Achilles' elbow
What do you call a failed gathering of crows?
Attempted m**...
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side⦠You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.
His acting school clearly failed him.
Was up all night trying to think of a cake day joke, alas I have failed.
I'm in tiers
At least I'm baked.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed
My friend failed his Aboriginal Music class...
I asked him "Did'ja redo it?"
I got caught faking my way through an ancient history course
I failed because Greek mythology is my Achilles horse
My friend told me he failed his authentic Australian music exam.
I asked "didja redo it"?
I failed as a farmer. I think I could be a musician.
Look at all my sick beets.
No Words...
6-Year-Old Child Looking At Moms ID Card.
s**...: F
He Laughs.
Mom: What's So Funny?
Kid: I Can't Beleive You Were So Bad In s**... That You Failed It.
Husband Dies Laughing.
Two chemists walk into a bar
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O please.
Chemist 2: I'll have some water also.
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed.
I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.
I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.
If I had 50p every time I failed a maths exam
I would have Β£3.57 right now
They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test
I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.
They asked about the m**... and c**....
I told them it was an everything bagel.
I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...
I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.
It was impossible to differentiate between them.
Chuck Norris once skydived and the parachute failed to open while mid-air
The next day, he demanded a refund.
If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of lifeβ¦
β¦please press 3.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test...
I'd have 27Β’
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?
Brought it back for a refund.
Why banks fail
Why banks failed?
A naked & drunk woman boards a cab in America.
Driver of the cab, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab
Woman: Haven't you seen a naked woman before?
Cabbie: calm down. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me?
Moral:
This is what most of the banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposureβ¦
Koalas aren't bears.
Even though they're koalafied, they failed bearification.
A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar
He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."
