Facebook Jokes

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

Why is Facebook like a prison?

Because you write on walls and people you don't know poke you.

How many 12 year old girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11; 1 to actually put the lightbulb in, and the other 10 to take hundreds of pictures and upload them to Facebook.

What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?

I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.

Facebook

So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...

Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

What's the difference between Doctor Who and Facebook?

When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.

Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic..

Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

My New Girlfriend

Facebook asks what I'm thinking.

Twitter asks what I'm doing.

Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

I asked an Asian girl for her number

She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"

I said, "Wow.."

Her friend said, "She meant 6663629".

Found this joke on Facebook, so I thought I'd share with you guys :)

Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. What a bunch of morons.

They could've just downloaded it for free.

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.

Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp & Facebook?

My Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey

I log in facebook to see that everyone is at the bar...

I go to the bar to see that everyone is on facebook.

If you're going to do something i**... don't plan it through Facebook

Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

Facebook..in real life...

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook

So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.

Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

How did realism get me banned from Facebook?

I sided with cancer on the "Kids VS Cancer" page.

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

Facebook Problem

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

Roses are red, Violets are blue...

Pornhub is down, your facebook will do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user??

Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge.

It will be called YouTwitFace.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

I just realized I haven't taken a Facebook quiz in years.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

Why does Voldemort use Twitter but not Facebook?

He only has followers, not friends.

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.

-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

New fast and the Furious movie should be called... 'Fast 10: Your Seat belts'

Source: Wife's Facebook... made me chuckle.

I set up a Facebook page for Chinese n**...

It has 3 reichs

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative

Does anybody know what 'ternative' means?

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

So I set up an internet page for Chinese n**......

So far it's gotten three Reichs on Facebook

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese n**...

It has three Reichs so far

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

I started a Chinese-n**... Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We'd never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years.

Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy

at $157 Facebook stock price

Why did Zuckerberg create Facebook?

He couldn't pass the captcha for Myspace.

Just tried to change my password to..

Just tried to change my password to.. 'The_Last_Jedi,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there are too many useless characters.

If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called,

'Mark has read'.

People say Facebook knows more about us than we do

Facebook still thinks I have friends.

If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

I just got kicked out of a Flat Earth Facebook group....

.... because I asked if the 1.5m social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I swear Grandma didn't send this to me on Facebook...

Doctor - so, what did you have for dinner last night?

Patient - I had a fruit salad.

D - only fruit salad? Well, that should help with your cholesterol. And strawberries are very high in...

P - well, it was mostly grapes.

D - mostly?

P - well, all grapes.

D - still, fresh grapes are...

P - they weren't overly fresh. Well, a little older, maybe. Fermented?

D - ...

P - Okay, wine. I had wine for dinner.

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been n**... in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking a**....

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

You know why all the jokes on Facebook are recycled?

Because the rest of us already have reddit.

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...

I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...

I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

a g**... facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a s**... too"

Priests nowadays...

...have embraced technology. The have youtube channels, twitter, facebook and instagram accounts. And they just don't exorcise anymore, they uninstall demos.

What does the letter p in Facebook stand for?

Privacy!

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage

I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion

I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he's planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He's going to call it YouTwitFace.